Law, And Sometimes Order
Thanks again to Sabre for giving up both time and dignity to help proofread this.
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All was quiet in Rarity's boutique that night, as usual. The seamstress and fashion diva had put her mannequins and tools away hours ago in favor of some well-earned rest for the evening, as usual. Dresses, covered from hem to hem in rare and faintly glittering gemstones, stood proudly on display in several of the store's windows, each of them trying to outdo the next in drawing an eye to the unicorn's stock of painstakingly tailored (and modestly priced, as Rarity often told herself) outfits.
As usual.
A soft click echoed through the first floor showroom as a lock disengaged from a windowpane near the rear of the boutique. The window slowly panned open, letting four hooded figures scramble inside and fan out around the store. The first one inside, an earth pony, tugged slightly at the immaculately designed balaclava that covered his snout and adjusted the dark aviator sunglasses that covered his eyes. With a snort, he turned to his three companions: a unicorn and two pegasi.
"Everypony spread out and start collecting. These dresses are worth thousands of bits apiece, so grab as many as you can hold in those sacks of yours. And take care not to wrinkle them, you rogues. I'll be working on getting into her gem collection. You-" He pointed a hoof at the burlier of the two pegasi. "You get over there to the staircase and keep an eye on it. If anypony comes down, put them back to sleep. And be quick about it. We need to be back in Canterlot before sunrise, and-"
The thief's monologue was cut short by two things: a massive crash that shook the entire structure, followed immediately by a large produce wagon that was rocketing through the heavily damaged front door and towards his face.
"Oh, buck me in the-"
Shards of glass, wooden shrapnel, and a few dozen apples flew through the air as the wagon bore the pony into an impressive set of mirrors along the showroom wall. His lackeys jumped behind what cover they could, shielding themselves from the destruction caused by the blast. Peeking out from behind shelves, trunks, and one of the few mannequins that hadn't been crushed by the wooden missile, they glanced towards the hole where the front door had been moments ago.
Estimated damage: 56,020 bits.
They held their breath, listening for any sign of the attacker as bits of wood and glass fell from the battered storefront. Nothing. A shuffle of hoofsteps on the upper floor made them glance towards the ceiling.
"Is anypony down there? ...What time is it?" A dignified voice groggily called out from upstairs, distracting the criminals from the increasing whistling noise coming from outside.
"You have the right to remain silent! But I wanna hear you scream!" A second wagon flew through the open wall, detonating against the thieves' cover and showering them with planks, shredded dresses, and an impressive flower arrangement. The larger pegasus shook himself free of the debris and stretched his wings to take flight, only to receive a loud crack against his jaw as a baton forced his teeth down his throat.
"Ponyville Police! I'd advise you to stop resisting, but it's cute when you try!" The baton shifted in midair, returning to the white unicorn policepony that had just galloped through the widening hole in the wall. She lit the interior of the shop with a flick of her horn and shook the blood off the end of her baton and the dust from her bright red mane. A mark of two red cherries over a police badge proudly covered her flank.
Estimated damage: 89,550 bits.
"Get 'er!" The second pegasus took off like a bullet from his hiding spot, aiming straight for the officer and unfortunately flying straight past the staircase leading down from the second floor. A massive hoof reached out and clotheslined him in midflight, sending the choking thief hurtling through the air and into a display case filled with an extremely delicate selection of tiaras.
Estimated damage: 184,200 bits.
"Sorry, Cherry. Th' one upstairs threw a cat at me." A huge earth pony stallion trotted down the last couple of steps, ignoring the piles of smashed wood and priceless accessories scattered around the floor of the shop. Right above his dark blue tail and his cutie mark of a checkered flag, a tiny, white cat was furiously attached to his grey hide. It looked absolutely pissed.
"Lemme get that for you, Dodge." Cherry trotted up to him and levitated her baton until she could get it wedged between his rear and the snarling feline. With a quick shove, she pried the cat free and tossed it into the only un-shattered display case in the store. A quick flick of the lock left the hissing, spitting creature trapped behind a safe veil of glass. “Hey, you said there was one upstairs, right? I could’ve sworn I only counted four of these jokers earlier.”
Dodge shrugged and stretched the considerable muscles in his shoulders. Deftly lighting a cigarette with his hooves (something Cherry refused to ask him how to do), he blew out a puff of smoke and let the cigarette hang from his mouth.
“I dunno. She was sneaking around in the bedroom up there when I busted through th’ window. She screamed for a second and then started lookin’ me over like I was a piece’a meat. Muttered somethin’ about 'unshorn fetlocks' and adjustin’ somethin’ for ‘Big Mac’ measurements. Cuffed ‘er to the bed for now.” He kicked a loose piece of rubble.
“That was Rarity, Dodge.” Cherry lit her horn and lifted a few planks of wood off the whimpering, toothless pegasus she had just beaten.
“…”
“Fashionista? White coat, purple mane? Unicorn-type, extra prissy?” The hulking stallion stared at her, his cigarette dangling loosely from his mouth.
“She owns the bucking store, Dodge.”
He pulled a pair of hoofcuffs from a stack carried on his tail and lifted the second pegasus by his mane from the mess of debris he had landed in. With a couple of clicks, the pony’s wings and hooves had all been cuffed together in a Gordian knot of chains. Dodge tossed him in the middle of the showroom floor where Cherry had finished cuffing the larger subject.
“Details. Write it off as officer safety. Wasn’t there a unicorn down here?” The two policeponies turned to the rear of the room where the hooded unicorn was quietly attempting to slip back out the window. Cherry whipped her baton back into the air with a buzz of unicorn magic, sending it flying towards him and knocking him roughly across the back of the skull. He tumbled face-first out the window, landing on the grass outside with a dull thud. Jogging to the open window, she looked outside to make sure he was sufficiently unconscious.
“Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law, which will lack any peers, because jury duty doesn’t send letters to asshole criminal scum!” She telekinetically lifted the dazed unicorn back inside, enchanting two pairs of hoofcuffs around his legs. Another one on the pile.
Dodge took a quick look around the boutique, assessing the damage dealt by two airborne wagons, flying bodies, and surprise entrances. His cigarette was burning dangerously low as he did a couple quick calculations.
Estimated damage: 200,000 bits. He spat his cigarette out, grinding it into the rubble on the floor with one hoof.
Estimated damage: 200,001 bits.
“Record low for collateral damage. We only smashed up one building this week, an’ it’s still standin’. Mostly. Th’ Commander should be happy.” He lit another cigarette, stashing his lighter back into the equipment harness draped over his shoulders.
"What in the blueberry buck happened down here?”
Both policeponies spun towards the stairwell, where a frazzled, fuming unicorn was hopping daintily down the stairs – hoofcuffs on all four legs. Her stylish purple mane was ragged with fury, her eyes pinpricks of total rage. Cherry noted that Dodge might have crossed a line restraining the owner of the place. Maybe several lines. With police in hot pursuit.
Heaving a pile of wreckage to the side, Dodge unearthed the leader of the thieves and picked up the stallion’s stylish shades. Somehow undamaged in the brutal retribution of The Law, they appeared as good as new. He slipped them onto his nose and dragged the groaning earth pony into the light of the store.
“Sorry, ma’am. We’ll finish takin’ care of these morons and be on our way. Let’s jus’ get this mask off your snout…” Rarity babbled to nopony in particular for a few seconds, and then resigned herself to fuming silently as she watched Dodge try to remove the balaclava from the mystery pony’s head. “Cherry, would ya mind getting those hoofcuffs off ‘er for me?” Cherry moved to begin removing the enchanted steel cuffs as Rarity hopped the last few steps down to the ground level and surveyed the carnage in her showroom. Something seemed to fizzle out in her mind once she saw the full extent of the damage, her eyes glazing over for a moment. When she turned her head back to the policeponies, they could see a singular thought behind her gaze. Murder.
“I'll destroy you! You...you fiends! You monsters! You've committed nothing less than fashion murder in the third degree!” She tried to lunge at Dodge, tripping herself up on the half-unlocked hoofcuffs and falling to the floor in a fit of screaming and barely understandable threats.
“I take it back. Best to leave ‘er in the cuffs for now.”
As the stallion regained consciousness, he shook his head out of the mask and blinked at his captors. Rarity paused her shrieking to stare at the pony’s face before sudden realization crippled her on the spot.
“Hoity Toity? What in Equestria are you doing here?” She looked confused, growing still enough to let Cherry unlock the cuffs around her legs with a burst of magic. Stumbling to her hooves, she stepped closer to the battered fashion mogul. He snorted, spitting out a tooth and whining when he saw the molar on the floor.
“Rarity, you foal, I wanted your ridiculously fabulous dresses. If I’m going to crush the Canterlot fashion scene with my withering critique, I need a line of my own work that can put everything else to shame. And these-“ he gestured wildly to the few remaining dresses on display, “-were going to lead my unveiling next week. Nopony would listen to the amateur designer from boring old Ponyville if I said they were all my design.” Venom dripped from his words as he looked at Dodge and Cherry. “And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for you two sadistic ruffians!”
With that, he kicked himself out from under Dodge’s grip and sprinted through the hole in the front of the shop, heading for the hills. Dodge grinned and winked at Rarity, puffing slightly at his cigarette.
“Want me to get ‘im, Cherry? Nothin’ my pals Law and Order can’t deal with.” He flexed his gigantic hind legs, lowering himself and preparing to charge after the fleeing Hoity Toity. Rarity couldn’t help but glance at his frame again as he settled into position. She reflexively gnawed on her hoof as she tried not to blurt out the fashion brainstorm that was building inside her. With a smirk, Cherry stepped ahead of Dodge and lit her horn up with magic.
“Don’t worry about it, Dodge. I was kinda hoping he’d make a run for it.” As Hoity Toity rushed away from the boutique, a loud rattling began to grow in intensity. He never saw the last wagon coming for him. With a deafening crash, the cart T-boned him and sent hundreds of pieces of fine china hurtling through the air around his body. “I set that one up earlier. It looked too loud to resist hitting somepony with it.” She took a few steps outside, amplifying her voice with a quick spell from her horn.
“HOITY TOITY! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR ATTEMPTING TO STEAL PRIVATE PROPERTY, SELL IT AS YOUR OWN, AND GENERALLY BEING A TOTAL DICK! YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, WHICH I SUGGEST YOU EXERCISE BECAUSE YOUR ACCENT IS ANNOYING AS HELL! ANYTHING YOU SAY, AND LOTS OF THINGS YOU DIDN’T, WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW! YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN ATTORNEY! WE DON’T CARE IF YOU HAVE AN ATTORNEY OR NOT, SINCE REGARDLESS OF YOUR DEFENSE YOU WILL BE FOUND A GUILTY, USELESS SACK OF SHIT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THESE RIGHTS AS THEY HAVE BEEN READ TO YOU?”
The three ponies could faintly hear the sound of a grown stallion weeping under a heap of crushed china.
Total estimated damage: 245,679 bits.
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An interesting premise good sir,
I am very anxious for the fallout of this little misadventure, as it stands it almost feels like half a joke. Still this is one of the best takes on Ponyville Law Enforcement I've seen and hope you continue it.
574308
Thanks, Kandagger. We'll see where it goes from here. I plan on including plenty of property damage in the near future.
The Law - Kyuss
Officer Dodge Charger
I see what you did there.
574346
That is officially the theme song for this fic now.
574447
fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/080/a/d/profile_picture_by_plopomon-d4tg8tj.png
Read it twice for good measure.
Bad Cops in both senses of the term, and I'm getting Duke Nukem parallels from Dodge
Let there be more property damage!
*Breaks the Like button*
Estimated Damage: More than I can pay for.
Reminds me of that movie of that black and white cop. Was it Blue Streak?
Still this was entertaining.
'tis a good story
Hmmm I can see this turning out quite amazing. 574475 just outa curiosity what is you favorite line that you wrote in this chapter? I can't pick there's to many to choose from but the reading of Hoity's rights was great.
police stories, this is new to me!
574621
Glad you enjoyed it! Always bet on the Duke. Stop giving me ideas.
574898
That's what we're aiming for.
574963
Thanks!
574970
I did have some fun writing those. It's always entertaining to mess around with the Miranda rights and see if anyone notices.
...and I thought those two cops on Futurama were bad; these two are walking disaster areas!
After reading this, I only have one thing to say.
dl.dropbox.com/u/76518391/youwintheinternet%5B1%5D.jpg
575166
I promise to use it in the most irresponsible way possible!
575192
You make me proud
This. No, this, right here! Brilliant! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time!
I love the banter and the quirks. "Estimated Damage?" Priceless.
Good sir, keep writing. And don't stop. I expect more, dammit.
roflol!!!
this is hilarious!! great job, i wouldn't be surprised if it made it to the feature box. i hope it does, this kind of hilarity NEEDS to be shared.
This was great.
Different... VERY different, but great.
575841
/glee
Yeah alright I guess
575875
Thank you! It is, one day, my dream...
576013
Thanks.
I'm going to hate myself for saying this but...
I'm looking forward to the Fluttershy chapter.
Hoping it'll be as glorious as this one, with 52% less hoofcuffing the innocent... or more, whichever strikes you as the better idea.
576308
Fluttershy...in hoofcuffs?
i624.photobucket.com/albums/tt323/puppyzrock7/hjukguilihl.png
stoppin crime...
fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/114/0/4/pinkie_pie_uses___party_cannon___by_mylittlepinkiedash-d4xhwih.png
pinke style
576327 I knew I was either all around terrible, or was insane to say that.
Seems like a bit of both.
Didn't finish reading yet because I had an idea for a story halfway through, but rest assured, I will.
I SEARCHED and searched HARD and counld find a single thinkg i would change, oh except you need to add my hospital bills to the estimated damages, because you split my sides bahahahaa
That was an awful, awful joke. I really cannot believe you just said that. That's worse then most of your one liners during the adventures, those are at least punny.
Oh lighten up Darey
Don't call me that.
Loved it, loved it, loved it. And I thought the cops I wrote in my story were terrible.
Okay, this is brilliant.
is there an officer, problems?
Reminds me of the rock and Samuel l Jackson at the start of the other guys
Loved it, beyond words. Cliché but in a good way. :P Keep up that good work my brother.
Cherry's description reminds me big time of Blackjack from Project Horizons. The only difference is the lack of a black streak in her mane, and even the way she talks reminds me of her. Which is a large plus for me.
This reminded me of Team America...
767148 Oh really? Did you hear the one about me givin' a shit? Cause if I did, I don't remember it
They racked up damage count... of 245,679 bits in less then an hour?
...SWEET CHRIST! Its one thing to be loose cannon, its another when your trying to actively make your place go bankrupt!
Officer Samuel L. Jackson at the end.
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m7tt2yxnuR1rutokxo1_500.gif
best line this chapter:
"what in the blueberry buck happened down here?"
is this a reference to the green mile??
well placed
This is the best shit.
Of all shitty time.
Why did it take me so long to find this?
My god... This is GLORIOUS.
~Skeeter The Lurker
ANYTHING YOU SAY, AND LOTS OF THINGS YOU DIDN’T, WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW!
At first it was just plain amusing, but then at the end I finally lost it. Thanks for posting this!
...
This...
...
I approve.
Now I must continue reading.
Write on,
Legion
An mp wrote a story about cops? Hah.
Come now Moniker, we both know MPs know nothing about law enforcement.
After reading a story called Jericho, the name Cherry n' Berries was enough to get me interested.
Wow, was reading this a good choice.
I absolutely love it.
3169835
Ha. I didn't know he was an MP.
Those are the best right in the world.
A job well done.
Cya
Raziel-chan
sounds about right
3148557 legion? You are not a changling. Get back in your story.