furry writer, sometimes artist, trying to find his path in this crazy world
One tripp of the Cutie Mark Cruzaders will reveal a secret from the Equestria Dark Ages, one secret than involve both Princess and Nightmare Moon affair, and was buried for 1000 years; one powerful army whose wait to be released again. Only Celestia and Luna will awake them and deal with them and the powerful unicorn, Grey Shadow, the Luna´s most loyal general.
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awesome begining
not ganna say this is a good or bad story, it's not far enough in yet
i'm intrigued mate, i would like to see were this is going. Tracking.
Ps: Night Guards ar best Guards!
Enough spelling and grammar errors, in the description alone, to convince me you didn't even try.
5756914 give it a chance, yoc can judge it after read it n_n
5756653 thanks, i working in second chapter, will get ready soon n_n
5756640 still working on it, don´t gonna reveal all stuff now, enjoy this first chapter
5756064 thank you, its my first MLP story, more coming soon n_n
5759094 if this is your first then i love to see you 10th story when you are much better
not bad for the first chapter. keep it up
5759292 I agree with you mate
5759579 thank you, more surprises will coming soon
Although an great chapter and history of the new legion, there are quite a few mistakes you have in this chapter. One small example is that Celestia "Banished" Nightmare Moon, instead of "Vanished". Although the mistakes are there, i can understand the story. Albeit an bit difficult.
Advice? Keep going! You'll become better along the way!
5801470 thank you for your constructive critique, my english is too basic, so a friend help me with traslations, but we work all day, maybe i let some gramatic mistakes. Will be more cafeul in the future.
Glad to see you like my story, and more things will come soon with this new legion, i promise n_n
thanks again
Ok while this a good chapter, I don't think it's suitable for the end of the story. it feels like there is much more to tell at this stage. Ending things here just doesn't seem right. As to criticism, the interactions between Twilight and the princesses feel a little too aloof, it strikes me that Celestia would take every opportunity to drop formalities around Twilight, not just for her student's conform but because she strikes me as wanting to be "normal" every chance she gets. The Dark Legion staying in the Everfree also feels out of place, the barracks being destroyed and the problem of housing the sudden influx of soldiers on short notice driving the 4th chapter feels more "right". Also if your going with the Lunar guard being thestrals (bat ponies) I would like to see Grey Shadow's interaction with them, if their aren't any in the legion then how would the general deal with sudden having some under his command, I'd assume Luna would see the Lunar Guard as part of the Legion.
5821159 Personally, i agree with you on those points mate.
Some things didn't match up with the characters, for example, when rainbow dash talked with the little filly, i expected her to be more "Boastfull" about her self, like; "Of course i will be your friend! Hay, which pony would not like to be the friend of the most awesome pegasus in Equestria!"
( Something like that.)
I think you meant: "No pony may leave this place!!" / "No pony can leave this place!!" ( Depending on how you visualize Celesita in the way of saying it.)
But i have noticed an great improvement in grammar, and also it is an great chapter overall!
Ps: It would be awesome if the Legion could get into an serious dispute with the Solar guards and kick their flank! ( Yeah i favorite the Lunar Guards over the Solar.)
Good story so far, would like to see how it goes in the future!
5822456 thank you, like i said, was our first story project, maybe will require a reboot of this story later, and english grammar still my worst enemy, but we are improve it every chapter.
And of course, Dark Legion and Grey Shadow will share some stories with Solar and Night Guards, just give us sometime to do it n_n
Glad to see you like my story, more will come in the near future
5821159 well, its the end, just of this story, more stories with them will come soon. its just the beginning
About batponies, they form half of the Dark Legion, like other creatures described, but full description of Dark Legion will be part of more stories.
Thanks for your constructive critiques n_n
I have reviewed this HERE.