"Welcome to the fifth broadcast of the ever more popular Discord Underground Talk Radio! However, despite the name of the radio station, I am recording this week's show outside, on the beaches of quite a lovely tropical island. But I'll explain more about that later.
"The top story this week! Four fillies and one mare were discovered in identical states of sleep that nopony could awaken them from. They were in this state for over twenty-four hours before Princess Luna finally determined that they were all stuck in a mysterious dream world and rescued them, and also identified the culprit behind putting the in such a state in the first place.
"The culprit was me! Who would have guessed! And so, as punishment, it was decreed that I was to be confined to the very same dream world for an entire week. Which explains why I am currently stranded on the beach of this lone island with nothing but ocean around me for as far as my eyes can see.
"I can't help it! An outburst of chaos was bound to occur sooner or later! I just can't seem to stay out of trouble. Hopefully I will be released on time so that this week's program isn't late.
"Naturally, this is a problem for me. It is impossible for me to receive my weekly mail here. But something so trivial is no problem for the lord of chaos!
"I present to you a special program: Discord the Island Survivor, where I tell the tale of how I manage to survive a week in complete isolation without the every day conveniences that make life easy!
"This is the first day of my isolation on this forsaken island, and I must admit... I don't have any idea what I'm doing.
"I am awfully hungry though. In fact, I would go so far as to venture to say that I am getting faint with hunger. And thirst. That tends to be a problem when you're stuck on an island, you see. Food is an especially serious problem when you are a draconequus and can't even eat the ferns and grass and palm fronds as a last resort like ponies can. Because I'm picky like that.
"I am hoping that I can loot the shelter of the island's previous occupants and make the problem go away. I'm coming up on it right now.
"Hmm, how unfortunate. It would appear that all of their supplies has been removed from the site, with only a crude lean-to shack left as evidence of former occupation. That is a problem. Now I have to actually work to find something edible.
"There has got to be something around here. Think, Discord. What was that old saying again?
"Oh, yes! 'One can always find food if only they know where to look.'
"At first, there appears to be nothing edible on this whole island. But, lets look, say... underneath this rock. Now, remember, always keep a stick ready when looking under the rocks in case a snake comes slithering out. Let's see what we have here.
"Nope, no snakes, just this chocolate sponge cake.
"Day two.
"One important difference between life on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean and life in a pony settlement is that the weather tends to run wild. This is because the weather outside of Equestria is not controlled by pegasi, but rather by the spirit of the air.
"I bring this up because there is a thunderstorm on the horizon today, and, of course, it's headed straight my way.
"You may think that the best way to deal with a thunderstorm is to hide in a shelter, but you would be wrong. Actually, the best way to get away from a thunderstorm is to build a raft and oar out of driftwood and row out to where the thunderstorm can't get you.
"I have already built myself a raft. Let's see how well it holds my weight.
"Hmm. Not very well apparently. I promise that it's not because I'm fat. In fact, the problem is that the spirit of the water is looking on top of my little raft and beholding the terrifying image of the one and only lord of chaos, which causes it to move away out of fear, leaving no water left for the raft to float on.
"The only solution is to hide my figure from the spirit of the water by putting walls on the raft.
"So, let's try this again now, shall we? Ah, just as I suspected. With the addition of the walls, my raft now floats just fine, and just in time too. The thunderstorm is almost here. I am now currently in the process of rowing out.
"There. I should be safe here. There's no way that stupid thunderstorm is going to rain on me when I've parked my raft above it.
"Now all that's left to do is wait for the storm to pass while I eat this strawberry ice cream that I found in a burrow today. And play 'I spy' with myself.
"Oh, that's right. I won't be able to see a thing on the ground when those rain clouds get here. How about a nice game of 'tag, I'm it' then?
"Day three.
"Last night, I was reminded of something very important when it comes to surviving on a deserted island. One some nights, it can get unusually cold. In order to combat this, one needs to have the knowledge to build a fire.
"The procedure is fairly straight forward. I will explain my process as I do it. First, take a sturdy long strip of bark, and wrap it around a stick a couple of times. Then, take the ends of the bark and tie them to the ends of another flexible stick, creating something that looks rather like a bow.
"And then all you have to do is put the stick that you wrapped the bark around with its end poking into something flammable, like this piece of driftwood. Push back and forth on the flexible stick, causing the bark to spin the stick that it is wrapped around, which in turn causes friction on the driftwood."
BLAM
"... This simple, but shockingly effective ritual will cause the spirit of fire to rain flaming brimstone from the sky and ignite the driftwood, as well as everything else in a small radius.
"Day four.
"Today, something strange washed up on the beach. It was some sort of ball thing with dried grass poking out of the top of it. Strangest of all, it had a face painted on it.
"It turns out that not only am I the only intelligent creature on this island, I am in fact the only creature on the island whatsoever. So I have made the ball my new best friend in this world. It bears a giant letter 'M' on the side, which clearly indicates that his name is Milton.
"An important part of life on a deserted island is that, after you have secured your own survival, find something entertaining and chaotic to entertain yourself and your comrades while awaiting rescue, or, in my case, release.
"Like drag racing.
"The contestants are all waiting at the start line, ready and eager to go! And there's the green flag!
"Discord opens by rocketing ahead of the competition!
"And then subsequently veers off course because he was looking back at the competition instead of keeping his eyes on the track. This will certainly be a tremendous setback for the lord of chaos!
"But, astoundingly, Discord makes a smooth recovery and reclaims the position of first place!
"And with an incredible burst of speed, Discord crosses the finish line almost as quickly as it began! Better luck next time to Milton, who apparently has yet to move from the start line.
"Day five.
"Milton is gone.
"Earlier today I noticed that he was glaring at me, so I asked him what was wrong.
"He told me that he couldn't believe that I would force five young ponies to go through the experience of being stranded on an island for a week."
"I didn't realize that Milton is such a judgmental thing. So I decided to get rid of him.
"I shot him out of a tree cannon and into the ocean. See how he likes that.
"I spent the rest of the morning wondering if I had done the right thing. While eating waffles.
"I spent the afternoon tap-dancing.
"Day six.
"In light of the loss of Milton, I have decided that I need to find some new friends. And what better way to find new friends than to open a popular new business?
"So, I have now crossed something else out on my rather lengthy bucket list when I opened a martini bar.
"A good bar tender needs to be patient. So I have waited and waited.
"So far, no customers, but it's the thought that counts.
"Of course, such an envious business is sure to become the target of pirates at sea. I need to consider making fortifications and defenses to protect my assets.
"Of course, I should be getting out of here tomorrow, but you never know. It could happen before then.
"Day seven.
"Halt! You are trespassing on the grounds of Fort Luftwaffe! State your business or prepare for aerial bombing via coconuts!"
"Discord? What in Equestria are you doing?"
"Why, it's Princess Luna in the flesh! Stand down, everypony!"
"Who art thou talking to?"
"I'm talking to my audience of course!"
"Thou art transmitting even here?"
"No, but I can record everything and transmit it later! Would you care for a martini, Princess?"
"What? Nay! What art we to do with you, Discord? I told them that something like this would happen, but they decided to go along with it anyway. Can they not see that this effort is in vain?"
"Nonsense! I think I needed this! A much appreciated island vacation. Oh, by the way, Princess. I would like to ask you to reconsider my offer to interview you for my audience."
"The answer is still no, Discord. Why would I submit to thy foolishness?"
"Because, Princess, on D.U.T.R., you can say whatever you want about whatever you want! And there's nopony else here to stop you!"
"... Discord. I have reconsidered your offer. Ask me your questions."
"Really? Fantastic!
"Okay, so there is just one thing that I just have to know. What is your opinion of my radio show?"
"At first, I found it to be repulsive garbage."
"You wound me, Princess! But considering you said, 'at first', I assume your opinion has changed?"
"Yes. I have realized that you bring to light many glaring issues that my sister has neglected to address properly, including problems with the sewage system, garbage disposal system, and public school system. I find it shocking that my sister procrastinates this much."
"Ah. It is good to know that those discussions were not in vain. Can we expect you to step in and correct the problems where Princess Celestia has failed?"
"Indeed. But my greatest complaint with the rule of my sister is her insistence on keeping secrets from everypony when their safety is on the line. It is almost enough for me to take matters into my own hooves!"
"I see. One such matter being the threat that Equestria currently faces from... a certain dragon?"
"Wha- Why... Why, of course... Maybe. Perhaps you could refresh my memory?"
"Oh, you know, that one thousand mile long space-dragon creature that wants to eat the sun for lunch."
"Hmm. Indeed, that is probably him. He threatens to cause Equestria to fall under eternal night. Again. Celestia wishes to keep this a secret until the last possible minute, but I believe that it is only fair to warn the general population as soon as possible.
"Do you have any information on when this dragon might be arriving?"
"Yes. I have managed to pinpoint his location in the east during the night sky, with the assistance of a fine telescope. Based on my calculations, he should arrive in almost exactly one month."
"I'm sure that there's no need to panic. Princess Celestia is certain to have some sort of a plan."
"I do have plans myself, should my sister prove unwilling to act."
"Well, thank you for your time, Princess. I would very much like to return to the world of reality now so that I can prepare the program for this week."
"That is all that you have to ask me?"
"Yes. I think, considering the weight of the situation, we have given everypony more than enough to think about."
"... Very well."
"Wait, before we go, I need to sign out! Apologies for my inability to answer questions this week, but everything should be returning to normal next week. Remember, keep your eyes out for some changes in the near future! Also remember to stay reasonably safe while still allowing for a healthy dose of chaos, everypony!
"You have been listening to Discord Underground Talk Radio. For those of you who missed part of the program, tune in again in two hours for a repeat of this week's program."
I have now figured out exactly how and when I will end this story. There will be a total of ten chapters plus one final goodbye chapter, which means that there will be five plus one more chapters after this. I will stop considering new questions after the publication of the eighth broadcast so as to ensure that I have the chance to address each question.
I am also currently writing an actual story that occurs at the same time as these radio broadcasts. The more perceptive of you might have figured out clues as to how it might go.
Oh, crap, it would appear that I released this ever so slightly too early, even though I swear I see other stories being updated on April 1. I guess I don't understand how the date thing works. Sorry!
Edit: Apparently the date changes depending on whether or not I'm logged in. I don't get it.
Thank you for the Rincewind, Pratchett reference.
Tom Hanks, in the movie I cant remember,
Marties Martinie Bar?
Finishing off with a nod to The Planet Eater?
5808074
Shushshushshushshush.
For us, it will always be April Fool's.
In our hearts.
It's okay Milton, take your time.
WOOHOO! Way to go Rock--I mean--Milton!
Loved the Last Continent reference. GNU Terry Pratchett.
Anyway, Discord: What is the best place to find a good apocalypse bunker around here? I love them, but I simply can't find a Stable to stay in.
Milton?
5808177 The last two I don't know what you are talking about. All I know is that martinis are a thing on tropical islands. I have no idea what planet eater is at all either.
Everypony panic!
5808338 They won't. Not really. Because they know that Discord is a liar. Plus, it was announced on April Foals Day.
Dear Discord, does this thousand mile long space-dragon creature happen to go by the name Apophis, Jörmungandr, or Lord English?
Dear Discord: Who's cuddlier, Luna or Celestia?
Dear Discord,
What sort of chaos is your favorite? Or is categorizing types of chaos considered giving it order?
~Sammy
static.giantbomb.com/uploads/original/9/93770/2361964-nes_lifeforce.jpg
Unintended Life Force reference?
5808804 No, it's not a reference to any particular thing other than the myth solar eclipses are caused by a Chinese dragon eating the sun. I'm not surprised that the concept has been used for things like that.
Love the Rincewind reference, although I have a bone to pick with you. You had an opportunity to do Desert Island Discs, and you didn't take it?!?! It's appalling,
5809122 Um, I don't know what that is?
5809131
Suprised me, it was saved.
Desert Island Discs, Pratchett.
Pity the image here isnt one of the best.
Planet Killer, Star Trek.
I have a letter.
Dear Discord
W
5809131
Ignorance is no excuse. It's a very famous British radio show, it's been running since 1942, on a weekly or biweekly basis, and as such there have been over 3000 episodes. The presenter asks their guests, called castaways, to choose eight records, a book and a luxury to take with them to the mythical desert island. Discussion of their choices permits a review of their life. The luxury must be inanimate and no use in escaping the island. John Cleese for instance was only allowed to take Michael Palin with him on the condition that he was dead and stuffed. Lots of famous people have done it, it's the radio version of being The Star In The Reasonable Priced Car on Top Gear, as was.
5809171
I tried to get a recording of that back when it was broadcast, but I couldn't manage it, terrible shame.
5809295 I'm not British. Also, after reading what Booster Spice linked, I don't really know how I would have used it.
Dear Discord,
I am a special breed of pony, a bat pony. But I am half unicorn. So, this makes me a sort of chimera such as yourself. Any ideas on how to cope with that? Your admirer- Pixel Fangs
Here's a scenario; Milton escapes into the world of the waking.
What do you do?
5809310
If you search for it, Desert Island Discs Pratchett, one of the first links takes you to the BBC archive of all transmissions, even though its from 1997, the audio is there, and it says amazingly, right click and download. 40 minutes, 16 Meg, so I wouldnt expect the quality to be top notch, it might be because someone actually carefully tuned the mp3 file to the fm radio quality.
Sorry about the rather obscure references, I blame it on Dimwich Arhyming Slang.
5809777
No worries, I just love referring my balder friends to a syrup of prunes supplier.
Dear Discord,
What do you think of Twilight Sparkle?
Stalking You Always,
The Horse
Discord! I have a question. Do you know any good jokes? Can you tell us some?
(Okay technically that was two questions. Bite me! *OW!* Not literally!)
<written on the tail of a living platypus>
Discord I haven't seen you since my wedding all those millennia ago, You never call you and you don't write, so I am informing you via platypus gram that me and my husband and our kids are planing to visit soon and we, well mostly me look forward to catching up.
Your Twin sister, 63 Dimensions removed
Eris
<followed a moment later by geometric crystal teleporting into the room and delivering a vocal message>
"Discord my wife may be looking foreword to seeing you but I'm warning you, I don't care how unusual my affinity is. I better not here any wisecracks about how symmetrical I am for a draconequus, or so help me as a Lord of order I will tell everyone the pocket dimension WHERE YOU KEEP YOUR SHIP..!!"<message interrupted possibly by discord himself>
<lastly one normal letter>
RETURN MY WINGS AT ONCE
Signed Prince Blueblood
<is it OK that I am referencing at least 2 other fics I have seen around the site?>
5812249 I try to make sure that everything Discord says conflicts with as little head canon as possible while still allowing for the existence of everyone's head canon. In other words, when it comes to facts established in fan fiction, Discord will neither confirm or deny their existence. The question about Screwball was pretty close to crossing that line, but when I discovered that Fimfic actually has a character tag for her, that was enough for me to decide to address the issue. But that is why I won't use questions like that. Sorry!
5812462 that's OK I mostly wrote that to get it out of my system anyway
5812462
5812523
how about this one?
Dear Discord
Unnatural events have begun happening around me. To name one in particular just the other day I saw a falcon feed its chicks by regurgitate a bowl of cereal, I have include photo documentation at 3 photos a second of the entirety of this specific event if you flip through them you will witness the event just as I saw it, can you help me?
signed Navy Spice
P.S. Oddly enough this began happening after I started using a new brand of deodorant...
5813237 That's... pretty freakin weird. It does reek of Discord's influence though, I suppose. I dunno, maybe I'll think of a way to make it work.
Dear Discord, Is the moon made of cheese? If it's not was it back when you ruled and what kind of cheese was it?
Dear Discord, are there other draconnequi out there?
Dear Discord, way hay and up she rises, way hay and up she rises, way hay and up she rises early in the morning! Oh what would you do with a drunken sailor, what would you do with a drunken sailor, what would you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?
Dear Discord, I heard that there is a changeling working at Sugar Cube Corner and that Pinkie ties him to the bead at night so he can't escape. That true?
Dear Discord, have you ever chatted with other versions of yourself from other dimensions and who did you talk to in dimensions where you did not exist?
Dear Discord, why are you so obsessed with Celestia's gluteus maximus? I swear you always comment about it whenever your near her.
5819182 Any relation to modern life of the Bible is established by the show, not by me. Because Discord causes unnatural things to happen, it causes you to question your sanity, and you don't know what is real and what is not, what is dangerous and what isn't, whether the other pony is lying to you or not. Especially with the evil King Discord that spreads chaos and manipulates the minds of ponies constantly, as is implied to be the case before his reformation. Still, I wouldn't compare evil Discord to Satan. Satan supposedly doesn't usually drive people insane, he drives them to evil.
Did you make a reference to The New Way Things Work, or was that book referencing something else? The bit with having to build walls around your raft to hide from the spirit of the water.
5821364 Hahaha, yep. I've got several rather obscure references in this thing and it always makes me smile when someone finally catches one. There's still more of them to find too.
Dear Discord-senpai,
Might wanna tighten your security on the hatch leading down here, but I'll find you no matter what anyway. Please keep being your usual handsome, chaotically-charming self.
Lots of love,
Fangirl DX
P.S. - Attached is some magic cream. That zit on your back is looking rather nasty, and my future husband should look his best always.
Discord, should Celestia forbid, your talk show ever prematurely end would you consider doing a spin off with one of the Elements of Harmony? If so which one?
T
Oh my gosh!
This was great!
Well... damn.
Gotta build an apocaliptic shelter then... just in case
Dear Mr. Discord
We here at Bunder-Millings feel the need to point out that you have no licence for that radio. Just because you're powerful doesn't mean you can ignore the rules of society. Society needs order, or it falls apart.
Please send your fee of 12000 bits to the following adress:
12 Dwight street, Canterlot, 3178.
Yours Sincerely, Paper Pusher.
G'day 'Cord!
M'name's Sunshine.
Jus' figured I'd warn ya 'bout a scammer. Earth Pony, brown coat, calls 'imself Paper Pusher. Business type, ya know. 'E scammed meh outta six 'undred bits, somethin' 'bout a "Sunhat Tax". Anyway, ah found out later the great yobbo was lyin' to try and scam meh outta meh bits, can ya believe it?
Peace.
Dear Discord,
Have you ever been/seen Tartarus?If so please describe it and how to get out.
Totally not suspicious,
Double U
Based Discord,
Do you know anywhere I can get a hat made of spoons, if so, what would I need to buy/steal one?
Many of you probably won't see this, but if you do, I'd like to assure you that now that I am back from my rather long trip, I intend to pick this up again asap. The issue however is that getting my other story to tie in with this one is something of a jigsaw puzzle, and sometimes I'm too stupid to see how the pieces all fit together. Do not worry, I'll beat the writers block soon. In the mean time, I'm working on other stories to keep my inspiration alive.
Dear Discord.
Hi! Longtime fan, first time caller. I was wondering if you had any advice for an aspiring conqueror with his eyes set on Equestria.
Your faithful and chaotic acolyte, Trouble Maker.
Hey Discord! I have a serious and major question for you;
EXPLOSIONS?
6112313 explosions is not a question, it is the answer to any and all questions.
The fact that Milton is so obviously a ripoff Wilson...