• Published 18th Mar 2015
  • 5,101 Views, 425 Comments

Discord Underground Talk Radio - Ironskull



With the invention of the magical radio, ponies from across Equestria await the first public radio broadcast, which will come from Princess Celestia herself. One week before the presentation, an unauthorized broadcast appears, hosted by Discord.

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First Broadcast

"Hello? Is this thing working? Testing, testing, testing."

"Hello? Is this thing working? Testing, testing, testing."

"Oh, good, it is working. Just a little feedback problem.

"Oh, good, it is working. Just a little feedback problem.

"Give me a second to fix it...

"Give me a second to fix it...

"Ah, there we go. Am I good now? ... Great! Now then... ah, right. Ehem!

"Welcome to the Equestria's first radio program, Discord Underground Talk Radio! Hosted by yours truly, Discord! Lord of chaos!

"Many of you might be wondering why I am calling this program Discord Underground Talk Radio. The answer is quite simple. I am literally underground right now to ensure that this presentation can be brought to everypony without interruption.

"Discord Underground Talk Radio, or D.U.T.R. for short, exists to exercise the freedom of speech that dear Princess Celestia guarantees to all. Is there a topic that you have always been curious about, but you never had the nerve to bring up? Do you have any questions about facts long forgotten to everypony except for the princesses and myself, but the princesses have never found time to answer? Do you just want your question to be heard by anypony in Equestria who owns a radio?

"You can ask your questions and ask for the knowledge and opinions of the lord of chaos here on D.U.T.R! To learn how, just wait until the end of the program and I will give you instructions on how to contact me!

"Unfortunately, as this is my first broadcast, there are no topic requests or questions from anypony. Therefore, I have something special for you all. Many of you may not actually understand exactly what it is that you purchased when you bought your radio. I now present to you an interview with the mare who made this marvel of magic possible. Princess Twilight Sparkle!

"Princess Twilight, could you please tell me about your latest project?"

"Discord? Why are you talking like that? Are you talking about the radio project?"

"Yes. I would like for you to tell me how you came up with the idea for your new invention."

"I didn't realize that you were interested in magical advancements of our age. But, I would be happy to explain! First of all, the radio is not actually my own invention. You see, I recently came to possess a number of books that were originally lost to ponies forever. One of these books contained the notes of a unicorn named Nicker Tussler. Among other things, he was studying a new field of magic in hopes that he could create a more efficient way of communicating across long distances.

"The problem with trying to instantly communicate with magic over long distances is that the energy required goes up exponentially with distance, and messages can only be sent to one location at a time. But Tussler managed to create a solution to this problem with two magical devices. The first device, the transmitter, is capable of sending signals across a spherical area, and the amount of energy required to transmit across distances only goes up linearly with the radius.

"And then the other device, the radio, is nothing more than a device that is able to translate the signals in the magical field into audible sound so that ponies are able to understand the message! Unfortunately, Tussler's laboratory mysteriously burned to the ground and his research was lost forever. That is, until today!"

"Could you explain how the transmitter and radio work together in simpler terms?"

"Sure! Think of the transmitter as a center of a ball. If you have a radio anywhere on the inside of the ball, it can receive messages from the transmitter, and the transmitter can send messages to every single radio in the ball at once. While the transmitter does require alot of magical energy to make a ball big enough to send long distance messages, the radio needs almost no energy whatsoever. The prototype radios we have made so far are expected to be able to work for years."

"Is the radio expected to see commercial use any time soon?"

"Yes. Several have already been placed on store shelves in towns across Equestria. Everypony who purchases one has been told to expect the first broadcast in the form of a speech from Princess Celestia herself next week. They aren't being mass produced yet, but I expect that when everypony sees how useful they are, the demand for radios will go up."

"Have you discovered anything else of interest from the formerly lost books?"

"Well, yes. But I'm afraid that it isn't going nearly as well. There is another book that describes how magic can be stored and manipulated by non-unicorns using a sort of artificial horn called a wand. They are actually just sticks with a gem embedded in the tip to control the flow of magic in the same way that unicorn horns do. Unfortunately, it seems to be nearly impossible for non-unicorns to actually use the wands. There are three main problems.

"The first problem is that the pony has to be touching the wand for it to work, and they are rather unwieldy in hooves or in one's mouth. The second problem is that the book claims that the pony needs to have a strong connection to the wand, and nopony can bring themselves to feel anything special for a stick. The last problem is that there are surprisingly few earth ponies or pegasi willing to actually make a committed effort to the study.

"A few ponies from around Ponyville have volunteered to try their hoof at it, but nopony has been able to get any results at all. I'm hoping that with more volunteers I can find somepony who is able to get results."




"Princess Twilight Sparkle is currently accepting applications from aspiring students. Could you be the lucky pony to prove yourself to the princess of friendship?

"The next topic of discussion is about something that everypony should be familiar with: Apples. Apples are among the most abundantly available crops in Equestria and is the main ingredient in an astounding number of recipes, most of which invented by none other than the family of the element of honesty. In fact, the town of Ponyville, where the Apple family resides, is the top producer of apples in Equestira.

"But is it possible that apples have previously unknown side effects? One expert Draconequus suspects that the consumption of apples could be tied to feelings of paranoia!

"If you or somepony you know has been experiencing feelings of suspicion recently, they are urged to see the nearest doctor and blame it on apples.

"For my last topic, a bit of advice to help you save both time and bits with less than no effort at all! The secret is to conserve, conserve, conserve!

"For instance, you can save time and bits by bathing only half as often, or even less, if you can get away with it. Other ponies may look at you and tell you that you are filthy, but remember, when you finally do get around to taking that bath, you'll be just as clean afterward as you would be if you had also had a bath the day before.

"Your foals can conserve time to devote to their studies and play time by not cleaning their rooms! While this may seem to promote a lazy lifestyle, it is more practical. You never actually set hoof into their rooms anyway, and they prefer to have all of their toys strewn across the floor for easy access.

"Contrary to what most ponies believe, an unclean lifestyle is actually something to be proud of, as it promotes conservation, practicality, and a stronger immune system from living in filth! Make the change today!

"I now give you this week's chaotic climate prediction: There is a ninety percent chance of a significant outbreak of chaos in the town of Ponyville and a fifty percent chance of significant chaos in Canterlot. All other locations in Equestria have approximately a twenty-two percent chance of chaos.

"To end today's program, I now provide the instructions on how to contact me, as promised earlier in the program. Send any and all questions and topic requests to Ponyville Post Office addressed to Discord Underground Talk Radio. It's that easy! I hope to receive some truly compelling letters by next week, when this program is schedualed to run again. If your letter is not chosen for reading, remember, I'll only respond to letters that I like.

"You have been listening to Discord Underground Talk Radio. For those of you who missed part of the program, tune in again in two hours for a repeat of this week's program."