• Published 8th Jun 2015
  • 2,338 Views, 58 Comments

Life, With Style - Friggin Jake

Rarity and Rainbow Dash's life together as a couple one moment at a time.

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Scootaloo's Brilliant Math

“They are so not!”

“Yes they are!”

“Look, Sweetie, I don’t know why you’re trying to stink up Dash’s reputation, but it’s not funny, and you need to stop.”

“I’m not trying to stink-up anything. I’m just telling you what I saw with my own two eyes. I saw them together at the town dance and the picnic, and they’re together at the Boutique all the time.”

“That could be a lot of things. You’ve got no right to spin it into a sappy fairytale.”

“What I’m wonderin’ is, why is any of this important at all? If ya don’t mind...” Apple Bloom pointed to the chalk mural that was now going sorely neglected.

Scootaloo stood up at full attention. “Apple Bloom, one of the coolest ponies to ever grace the planet is being degraded, defamed, denigrated–”

“What’re you, a dictionary?”

Sweetie poked Scootaloo’s side and glared. “Just how is Rainbow Dash going out with my sister such a bad thing?”

Scootaloo rubbed the back of her neck and let out a nervous chuckle. “Uh, well, see, Sweetie, it’s not really that. I mean, Rarity’s fine and all, she’s just... uh, I dunno, not really a Rainbow Dash type. I dunno, it would be like if she was dating Applejack, I picture it in my head, and I have to tilt why head and go ‘whaaa?’”

“And just what in the heck is wrong with Applejack?” Apple Bloom asserted as she too got up and glared at Scootaloo.

“Nothing! Jeeze, you two are prickly about this. Look, nothing is wrong with Rarity or Applejack, but I feel like if Dash is gonna...” She shuddered. “date, it should at least be with someone cool enough for her, and trust me, there’s not a lot to choose from.”

“Rarity’s really cool!”

“And so is Applejack!”

“Apple Bloom, quiet, mommy and daddy are talking. And Sweetie Belle, look, Rarity’s nice and all, but... let’s face it, she is in no way cool on any objective measure.”


“What in the heck are ya talkin’bout, Scoots?”

“Look, it’s very simple...” Scootaloo took a piece of chalk and walked over to an empty part of the blacktop. As she began writing, she explained “You see, every pony has a list of factors that help determine their coolness: charisma, style, prowess, and general awesomeness, which we’ll label C, S, P, and A.”

“Ain’t coolness and awesomeness just the same thing?”

Scootaloo chuckled. “Not to the untrained mind, dear Apple Bloom.”

“What’s wrong with ya? Ya sound like a fruitcake.”

“Fruitcakes don’t talk, Apple Bloom.”

“It’s a figure of speech, Sweetie Belle.”

“Guys, please, I’m trying to explain important concepts to you. Anyway, as I was saying, these four factors help determine coolness, and they’re each graded on a scale of zero to twenty-five. Each of those individual scores add up on a scale of zero to a hundred.”

“Mhm,” Apple Bloom hummed as she rolled her eyes. “And I’m just gonna take a wild guess and say that Rainbow Dash is rated twenty-five on each o’those stats?”

Scootaloo gave a nod. “You’re learning, Apple Bloom. Naturally then, only ponies who are at that same level of coolness should have the right to go out with Rainbow Dash, and no offense, Sweetie Belle, but while Rarity has 25P, C, and S, her Ga levels are sorely lacking.”

Sweetie Belle glared. “What’s not awesome about Rarity?”

Scootaloo clicked her tongue and shook her head. “Oh, Sweetie Belle. Poor, naive Sweetie Belle. I’m sure as her sister, you only see her qualities through rose-tinted glasses, but it’s time we stop kidding ourselves.” She wrapped her foreleg around Sweetie Belle and brought her close. “Awesomeness generally doesn’t take the form of prissiness and all-around stick-up-the-buttitude. Rainbow Dash doesn’t need that. Heck, Rainbow Dash doesn’t want that. What Rainbow Dash wants and needs is someone who can keep up with her. Someone who knows her on a deep level. Someone who understands awesome stuff like flying and extreme, to-the-max stunts. Someone–”

“Someone like you?” Apple Bloom smirked.

Scootaloo pointed to her friend. “Shut up, Apple Bloom! You don’t know what you’re... you... just shut up, okay?!”

Sweetie Belle patted her on the back. “Scootaloo, it’s okay, none of this matters.”

“Seriously. Now can we get back to our mural? If our cutie marks aren’t in street art, I don’t know what they are.”

Scootaloo sighed. “Look, clearly, you guys still don’t understand the fundamental concepts behind my findings. Strap in, let me explain.” Despite her friend’s objections, Scootaloo resumed scribbling numbers on the blackboard. “Now, I read the cliff notes of this book about Starswirl’s Law of Averages, and–”

“Hey, squirts, what’re you up to?”

Scootaloo jumped from her position and turned to see Rainbow Dash hovering above them. Not far behind was Rarity, who was strolling casually toward the blacktop.

You’ve gotta be kidding me.

“Oh, isn’t this darling? They seem to be drawing a mural.”

Apple Bloom beamed. “Yep. We’re tryna get our cutie marks in street art.”

Dash glanced. “Heh. Looks like a bunch of squiggles and squares. Pretty cool.”

Rarity scoffed. “Your shocking lack of culture is showing, darling. It’s clear this is supposed to be an abstract meditation on the equine condition.”

“Naw, Dash’s right. It’s a buncha squiggle’s ‘n squares we thought looked cool.”

“Aw yeah,” Dash proclaimed as she pumped her hoof. “Score one for me, Rarity.”

Rarity rolled her eyes and scanned the rest of the blacktop. “Scootaloo, what is it you seem to be doing over there?”

“Yeah, what is this, Scoots?” Dash lowered herself to the ground and got a closer look. “Are you doing math?”

Scootaloo beamed. “Oh, it’s this brilliant thing I came up with where–”

“Hey, Rarity,” Sweetie interrupted, tugging at her sister’s leg. “Are you and Rainbow Dash going out?”

Rarity and Scootaloo’s eyes popped open in unison while Apple Bloom simply slapped her forehead.

Sweetie Belle,” Rarity chided. “It’s not polite to be so forward with that. Rainbow Dash and I–”

“Yeah, we’re dating. It’s awesome.” Dash had a proud smirk on her face as she blurted it out. It was now Rarity’s turn to slap her face. Scootaloo’s mouth fell open in horror. Sweetie Belle squeed as she rapidly jumped in circles around her sister.

“Ooh, ooh, have you told your friends? How often do you go out? Do you kiss?!”

“Sweetie Belle!” Rarity shouted, a blush coming on her face. “Please, would you not–”

“Yes. A lot. And yes, a lot.”

Rarity glared. “Rainbow Dash, I swear, the only thing more brutish than your anti-culturalism is your tongue.”

Dash waved her hoof. “Oh, whatever, they were probably gonna find out soon enough. Anyway, Scoots, what was it that you were showing me?” Rainbow Dash jostled Scootaloo’s mane while Scootaloo continued to sit in silence.

This is the lamest day of my life.

Scootaloo, then realizing where she was, snapped back to reality and shook her head. “Oh, uh, it’s just, uh...” she tapped the blackboard and looked away from Dash. “You know, just some... stupid thing, I dunno.”

Dash nodded. “Huh. Well, good luck with that.” She set Scootaloo and refocused her attention to Sweetie Belle. “So yeah, Sweetie Belle, Rarity and I go on dates, kiss, and... well, other stuff I can’t tell you about.”

Sweetie’s eyes filled with disappointment. “Aw, why not?”

“Oh, well, it wouldn’t be cool of me to tell you, since I’m not family, but I’m sure Rarity would be eager to tell you all about it.”

Rarity gasped before charging toward Dash. “Just what in the he–”

“Looks like it’s my cue to exit. I need to head to work.” Dash saluted her friends. “Rarity, I will see you later tonight.”

“Now just you wait–” Before Rarity could get another word in, Rainbow Dash was off in the distant sky. Rarity gave a harsh growl as she looked to the sky and yelled “I hate you!”

After that came a long, awkward silence. Scootaloo stared at the blacktop in utter dejection while Sweetie Belle continued to circle Rarity.

“Hey Rarity, are you and Rainbow Dash mad at each other? Are you going to break up? What was she talking about when she said adult stuff?”

Rarity sighed and rubbed her temple. “Sweetie Belle, no, Dash and I aren’t breaking up. As for everything else... can I just tell you when you’re older?”

“But why?”

“Yeah,” Apple Bloom chimed. “What’s the big secret?”

“Tell you girls what, you drop the whole thing and stop asking questions, and I’ll treat us all to some ice cream.”

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle cheered as they excitedly followed Rarity from the park. Before they were off in the distance, Apple Bloom turned around.

“Hey, Scoots, aren’t ya gonna come with us?”

Instead of giving an answer, Scootaloo let out a heavy sigh. Apple Bloom shrugged as she galloped off to rejoin Rarity and Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo, now completely alone, fell to her back and looked to the sky, seeing the remains of the streak of color Dash’s bolt left behind.

Rainbow Dash and Rarity... how uncool can things get?