• Member Since 22nd Aug, 2013
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twilightsparkle3562


I am a man from Massachusetts with Autism who enjoys MLP, Disney and writing!

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Following his defeat by Twilight and her friends, Tirek is visited in Tartarus by some unwanted guests: the four alicorn princesses he tried to overthrow.

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Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 28 )

a very interesting concept, my friend:heart:

Do you think you can make a story in which the princesses (Including Twilight sparkle the princess of friendship) take bendy from "Foster's home for imaginary friends" to canterlot and put him to death for his crimes?

“There was another reason to why I threw you down here as well, Princess Cadence,” coughed Tirek. “You killed King Sombra, somepony who was very close to me and the only true friend that I ever had.”

Cadence stepped back in fear upon what Tirek was trying to say to her. It was very clear that the friend that Tirek was mentioning was in fact King Sombra himself.

Well, yeah, of course it was clear, since he outright said who it was.

I would recommend removing the part of the sentence that I've placed in bold.


5741117 Yeah, that's not gonna happen. That would be out of character for the princesses.

You know what will be even funnier?

the other elements of harmony

They used their Rainbow Power, the Elements of Harmony were returned to the tree and aren't used anymore

5742676 People tend to refer to the Mane Six as the Elements even though they merely REPRESENT the Elements. The easiest way to get around this is to use something like "Element Bearers" or something along those lines.

5742498 No, we don't. Enlighten us.

Interesting concept with alright execution.

You seem to know what you want to say, but there's a rule to the art of writing that I think might improve your skills; show, don't tell. We know that Celestia's angry, we know that Tirek has fear of Celestia's power; but instead of telling us these things, do more showing of the things you want to tell. For example:

"Do you know why we are here, Tirek?" she asked coldly, glaring at him. But Tirek didn't respond to this question, which only made Celestia cross and angry.

The last half of the last sentence isn't really needed, because we already can tell that Celestia's pretty angry at the moment. Do more showing; if you have to tell us that someone is angry or sad or feeling emotion, make it extreme. Go over the top with description, make sure to hammer that point home.

...That segways nicely into the other thing that could help: description! You could use far more descriptive text to fill in the void; we have a decent understanding of how Tirek's prison looks like in the show, but maybe more subtle showings of the Princesses' power in comparison to Tirek's. Have the ground tremble when they stomp, have the area light up brilliantly when they're charging magic, stuff like that. Again, this ties into showing instead of telling: if Tirek's afraid, no need to tell us that he has fear. Think of how you feel when you're afraid; your actions, your body language, your physical reaction. Be the thing you want to write.

A few more quotes for good measure.

"Don't you dare mock my husband and my subjects like that!" hissed Cadence, not afraid to use her magic.

Yes, she's not afraid to use her magic...but don't tell us. Show us. Say, something like...

"Words WORDS WORDS!" Tirek felt the gust of wind from the Princess' voice push him back against a boulder, the strong light from her horn seemingly distorting the air around the criminal in preparation for an attack.

Gets the point across, but it's more dynamic, sets the tone for what could potentially be a death sentence.

This made Celestia and Luna feel concerned and Celestia had to step in to calm her niece down.

Again, same here; you're telling, not showing. A suggestion for you:

A yellow light surrounded the Princess of Love before anything further could take place, Celestia stepping forward and draping a wing around her niece.

"Stand down, Mi Amore Cadenza." Luna spoke sternly, a glint of worry in her eyes as she stepped forward.

I apologize if I sound redundant, but...well, you asked for feedback. I felt like giving it.

I do hope this helps you, though! Perhaps you'll revisit this concept another day, or possibly revise it. Either way, I look forward to it.

5743088 All right, I have done the edits you recommended me to do. Let me know if there are any more that need to be done.

5744016 Waitwaitwait. I offered those quotes as suggestions; examples that one could use. I would rather appreciate if you didn't outright use them in your story; rather, use them as ideas from which you can apply to your writing.

5741300 But what separates Tirek from Bendy entirely is the fact how Tirek was a type of villain we bronies loved to hate, He who was the worst type of charavter, but we got so much enjoyment out of watching him that we end up actually liking Tirek, succeeding in every way that Bendy failed, even the Grinch singer would have felt like:
Lord Tirek vs Bendy: And given the choice between the two of you I take the uuuhh........
Bendy: Oh, Heck, No, I,m going with the....
Lord Tirek: centaur, well at least he didn't write....
A pal for Gary: A pal for Gary, That episode was a seasick crocodile!

I REALLY hate that guy:twilightangry2:

"LOOK AT ME WHEN I AM TALKING TO YOU!" she bellowed, glaring at him while using her royal Canterlot voice. "WHEN I ASK YOU QUESTION, I EXPECT YOU TO ANSWER!"

Woah. Love it when Celestia gets like this. Moar please.

I really like this concept, they only defeated and imprisoned Tirek in the show, never got a chance to attempt to reform him. However, some people really Do enjoy being evil. And I don't believe he would or should be reformed, it would be forced and untrue to his nature. But being true to Celestia's nature, she believes everyone should be given a second shot. Well done. Off to read the sequel!

6075626 That's prequel, but glad you enjoyed it. :pinkiehappy:

Really good and I am glad, Tirek rejected the offer. It would not suit him. But I do not think, Celestia would freak out like that. I could understand, if Luna, Cadance and Twilight do it. But Celestia is far more calm and strict for doing so.

6102507 Celestia had every right to blow up like that, you know. It takes someone like Tirek to really get a calm pony livid.

They rage too quick, in a ooc way i dislike.

6232417 You are free to dislike this, but remember to ask yourself this question: how would you react if someone like Tirek would turn your world upside down like he did in "Twilight's Kingdom"? Would you hold in your feelings and pretend like it didn't happen or release your anger onto the individual and let him know how you feel?

6245478

Look at Discord.

They were mad at him, but not as much as they are at Tirek in this story, far from it.

6246450 At least Discord was sorry for his actions and apologized for what he did. In my story, Window Repairs, Celestia had expressed her feelings to him about turning him back to stone as punishment. Plus, in that story, Discord at least tried to atone for his actions by repairing all the windows he had defaced when he was aligned with Tirek. It wasn't until he got to Twilight's melted coronation window did he fully realize his actions. Plus, you have to remember that Tirek used Discord and lied to him that friendship was a form of imprisonment, when it really wasn't.

My headcanon is that the criminals of Equestria are offered a choice to either reform and learn the magic of friendship like Discord or be condemned to spending life or a lengthy amount of time in Tartarus.

6301521 I talk about when they reformed Discord, not when he betrayed them.

And Discord didn't really want to be reformed either, he maked fun of them, did they turn him to stone once again? No.

Not only would they not act like this with Tirek, they would even give him a REAL chance, they would have made him quit Tartarus and showed him what friendship mean. He would have returned to tartarus after if he really didnt care and tried to do something.


Discord: I don't want friendship! what happened? they still tried and succed.

Tirek in this story?: I don't want friendship! what happened? STFU STAY HERE AND DECAY FOREVER!

" "That is what I think of your offer!" retorted Tirek, his eyes blinking in rage of this offer. "If you think that I am just going to give up everything I have done to conquer Equestria, then you are wrong. I will one day escape from this prison and return to finish what I have started and that there will be nothing you or anypony else can do to stop me!"

It was at that moment that the princesses finally realized that their chance at giving Tirek a second chance was not going to happen. He was just far too evil to even be offered a chance.

“Then there is nothing we can do for you,” said Celestia, "

This is how I believe that should have ended : said Celestia as she calmly pulled out a weapon and shot Tirek three times point blank in the head. Tirek had a very surprised expression on his face. Then he fell down to the floor, quite dead.

Best case scenario: "Then there is nothing we can do for you," said Celestia quite calmly. To the horror of her fellow alicorns, Celestia's horn glowed, a thin yellow cord swimming away from the magical aura, straight into Tirek's chest. His face contorted into confusion, then the cord suddenly turned black. Celestia's eyes had turned red. The blackness in his eyes were slowly dwindling into white. The cord withdrew itself, returning into Princess Celestia's horn, which glowed a creepy, blood-colored red. Then, quite abruptly, Tirek fell. He didn't stir or appear to breath.

"Sister?" whispered Luna, aghast. "Did you-"

"It had to be done," replied the former. "I regret nothing."

"But what did you do, Celestia?" Cadence inquired.

"I took his ability to travel to other dimensions freely," murmured Celestia,"I plan on returning it to Discord quite soon."

(THAT NIGHT)

Celestia chuckled darkly at the knocked out human as she turned to the 'computer'.

"Now. . . what's this? Fim fiction dot net? Intriguing. . ."

...but four alicorns came down towards the two brothers with looks of disgust deep in their faces.

What two brothers? Tirek is in the cage by himself.

Tirek felt the gust of wind from the Princess' voice push him back against a boulder,

What boulder? He was locked into a cage.

As for the story, this is very interesting. This begs the question though, would they give Chrysalis that same offer?

6581322 :pinkiegasp: *ANIME GASP* YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Now I have to look up if there is a shipping FF about Tirek.

I think it's funny how Tirek refers to Sombra as a friend and that he was trying to avenge him when he, at the same time, brags that he only cares about himself and power. He never cared about Sombra, he's just using his death as an excuse to be crueler than usual. I think that's interesting. :duck:

Great story by the way. :twilightsmile:

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