• Published 27th Mar 2015
  • 8,440 Views, 1,350 Comments

The Poisoned Barb's Tale - ManlyDerp



[Sequel Story] A mother, reborn into the mirrored world of her daughter's bygone years, desperately tries to find purpose in her second childhood. This is Barbara's diary.

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Entry 8, Part 9 (Dragonapped)

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Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid!

How could I’ve been so flipping stupid?!

There was no point in bringing my purse with me to the interrogation! There was no point in putting my diary in that kind of danger! Was I worried about Butter’s animals ripping it up? Was I worried about leaving it unguarded…? Ugh! I don’t even remember what my stupid reasoning was anymore!

Regardless, I have to stop Artemis from opening The Poisoned Barb before it’s too late!

From atop Red Gala’s back, wind whips past me as I hold onto her yoke for dear life. Galloping towards the train station results in powerful clouds of dust getting kicked up in her wake, scaring away the odd pony or two who had not been content with simply staying indoors. The fact that the sky above is still covered in the dragon’s smoke neither deters these few equine, nor grants me any comfort; the forecast may say that this episode isn’t over yet, but that won’t mean squat if Artemis discovers the truth about me!

Toot toot!

“No!” I wail out from my steed, as the Friendship Express departs Ponyville station. Uncaring for my struggles, the engine rapidly gains steam. “Stop, please!”

Doubling her efforts, Red puts the metaphorical pedal to the metal as she quickens her pace...

Clipclipcllopclopclipclipclopclipclipclipclopclop

… but it was all for naught, as not even her mighty stride could keep up with the speeding locomotive. I whimper a defeated “No no no,” as my last chance to retrieve my diary evades me, and the dark reality settles in to stay. “It’s… all over…”

Artemis has The Poisoned Barb.

Artemis is heading towards Canterlot.

Artemis has access to the Canterlot Archive, the smartest unicorns in all the land, and his all-knowing brother...

… Thus Artemis likely has all the tools he needs to decipher my book.

It’s… over.

It’s all over, isn’t it?

Ever on my side, even as she carries me, Red lets out a defiant, “Nnope!” as she pushes herself to the limit.

CLIPCLOPCLIPCLOPCLIP

Still the caboose remains ever out of reach.

“D-don’t hurt yourself, Red,” I speak to her kindly; appreciative of all her efforts, even as my life hurtles towards its inevitable end. “It wouldn’t be worth it if you did.”

The earth pony shoots me a brief side glance for this…

… the train another…

… and then she asks me a rather random question:

“How hard are yer scales?”

“Huh?" This catches me off guard. "Um, like, quartz level, last I checked… but why are you asking me that all of a sudde-”

Before I could finish, Red lowered her head; causing me to unintentionally flip forward onto her snout.

“W-what are yo-”

Before I could even finish that, Red jerks her neck forward and tosses me into the air like a freaking volleyball. Using her momentum to then pivot a complete one eighty, she springs back her hind legs-

Annnnnd I already don’t like where this is going.

“TUCK AND ROLL SUGARCUBE!!”

“RED WAIT-”

WHOMP!!

Ah.

So that’s what the trunk of an apple tree feels like.

How very educational.

Thump!

Fump!

Tumble tumble

… Somehow, some way... I found myself laying on the floor of the elusive caboose…

...

… Don’t know why, but I suddenly have a powerful urge to stay where I’m at, and simply watch these pretty birdies twirling in my vision.

Getting up and doing anything else feels like a whole heaping helping of more trouble than it’s worth.

“Barb!” cried Red Gala’s voice, coming from outside the train car. “Are ya okay?!”

“Oh, I am die,” I woozily call back. “Thank you forever.”

“What?!”

“Uggghh,” I eventually groan out, once I found my footing again. Shaking off my daze, I rush to the guardrail to shout, “I’m okay!”

“Eeyup?!”

“Yup!” I confirm, waving my arms above my head. “I’ll figure out a way back to Ponyville as soon as I get my diary!!”

“Eeyup… Be… careful...

... With that she vanished into the distance, as the train left Ponyville’s border and sped off towards what I can only assume to be Canterlot...

Gulp

Looks like I’m really on my own now.

No backup versus no alicorn magic; will that be enough to even the odds, or am I just as out of my league here as I was at the start...?

“... Gotta get my diary back,” I remind myself of my mission, swallowing my fear; gripping my purse strap for strength. “Gotta get it fast.”

Slapping my face, hyping myself up, I barrel forward into the passenger cars.

“If I were a disgraced Prince,” I whisper, scanning my eyes over every pony I come across. “I’d probably want to keep a low profile, and not make a scene. I’d want to avoid wandering eyes too, and any possible paparazzi.”

Exiting the first car, I make my way through the second.

“Did Red give him enough bits for a private booth?” I ask myself aloud, rewarding me with a few strange looks from bystanders. “Hmmm… Probably not, but that doesn’t mean there’s not a few open ones. They only really charge for those when they think they'll be all booked up…” I halt in place, and take stock of my surroundings. “... This isn’t nearly as packed for something like that,” I note, resuming my dashing. “He must be in a sleeper car then.”

Satisfied with my deduction, I bob and weave through a sea of legs in my pursuit to find my cloaked pony. Narrowly dodging a ticket master, and sidestepping an old mare who swore I was somepony’s dog, I shortly arrive at the more private seats; i.e., the ones with insulated walls separating them. Inside each of these lies a bed or two, a small end table, and, if I’m lucky enough, my thief.

Let’s see what’s behind door number one.

Slide

Behind door number one is a whole lot of nothing… This only feeds my theory that Artemis is in one of these even more.

Okay, let’s see door number two.

Slide

“Eek!”

Shut

… Door number two was hiding a couple on their honeymoon.

That’s about the extent of what I’m willing to share on that one, so let's move on.

“L-looks like number three it is then,” I stutter under my breath, having reached the final door. Gripping the handle with a claw, I brace myself for whatever it is I’m about to find. “Please don’t be too late… Please don’t be too late…”

Slide

I open the door…

… find The Poisoned Barb propped up against a pillow…

… and Artemis’ snout buried deep within it.

“Spit-to-wee!”

An emerald-hued fireball crashing against the wall quickly puts an end to that nonsense. Startled by the surprise fire hazard, Artemis sits up straight in his bed only to immediately fall right out of it.

Taking advantage of the chaos I had conjured, I nimbly jump over the pegasus’ catatonic form and successfully reclaim my diary. “Yes!”

“B-barbara?!” Artemis shouts, skittering madly back to his hooves. “How in Equestria did thee-”

“Spit-to-wee!”

Another fireball, this time aimed an inch from his head, shuts the guilty stallion right the hell up.

“How, much, did, you, read?” I snarl from the pony’s bed, using it to tower above him. “How… much?”

“W-we only just opened it!” the cloaked Prince shrinks away, now a lot more compliant to my demands then when I first met him. “Not even a full minute ago! Barely even skimmed the blasted thing!”

“Skimmed?” I question with a hiss, my anger all encompassing. “You… skimmed it?”

Fearing another display of my dragon fire, Artemis shakes his head ‘yes’ rapidly.

“...”

… Drawing my attention to The Poisoned Barb, I take a second to ‘skim’ the pages myself.

You know what I found when I did?

I found several hundred pages of English written script.

“...”

Whomp!

Slamming the book shut, making Artemis jump; I flip the closed tome over, display the title forward, and ask the Prince a single burning question. “What does this say?”

“...”

… The pony doesn’t answer back right away.

Instead the pony sweats.

Fizzle

Smoke leaves my clenched jaw as I repeat my question. “What, does, this, say, Artemis??

“H-how should we know?” he tries to fight back, refusing to meet my gaze. “It’s complete nonsense to our eyes… Dea Suecdahat Mynt, or some such gibberish…”

“...”

“...”

… I reach into my purse, and pull out Artemis’ journal.

Opening my mouth, fire dances in the back of my throat as I dangle the book dangerously close to the open flames.

That got the stallion’s attention real quick.

“No no, stop!” he wails, tripping over himself to reclaim what's his. “That was a gift from my brother!” he pleads, dropping his Royal We once more in a show of surrender.

Stepping further back from the bed’s edge, becoming out of reach, I push the tome ever closer towards the blaze.

“Barbara, please!”

I take a deep breath, agitating my fiery throat.

“Please!”

“Spit… to…”

“No!”

“... Wee-

“THE POISONED BARB!!!”

Sucking in my flames, my scowl drills holes into the now weeping pony's pathetic form.

“It r-reads Dra Buecuhat Pynp,” he repeats with foreign tongue, and misting eyes. “In ponish it means; 'The Poisoned Barb'.”

Seeing no more need for it, I toss the blue-ink journal back over to its author. Gripping it tightly like a precious teddy bear, Artemis hunches over the small gift and shields it further with his wings.

Trees rush by the window to the small room as the Friendship Express continues on its journey, heedless of the scene taking place within. Outside of the clicking and clacking of the tracks below us, the world is still. If I wasn’t on such a time crunch I’d relish the opportunity to take a nice little breather here on this comfy bed, and simply do nothing else but listen to all this relaxing ambience...

… Since I am on a time crunch, however…

“You know English?” I bluntly ask the catatonic pony, knocking him from his funk.

“Not... really,” is his eventual reply, one that was mumbled softly from behind blue wingtips. “J-just bits and pieces, in all honesty...”

“How?”

“We learned it from a… a-a dear old teacher of ours… May she rest in peace...”

… May she rest in…?

… Uggghhhh!

Damn it!

Of course he learned it from someone long dead!

Just my rotten luck… Though I suppose him saying 'Solaris' would have made things uncomfortably worse… So yay, I guess.

"Your teacher?” is how I choose to continue this line of questioning. My desire to gain some sort of consolation prize from all this nonsense is overwhelming, so I might as well get all the details while I can.

“Y-yes,” Artemis reveals gloomily, his head no doubt swarming with memories of years long since passed. “The same one we shared with brother Sol so very long ago:

“Starswirl The Longmaned.”

… Well.

I can safely say that I wasn’t expecting to hear a bombshell like that when I woke up this morning.

“S-... S-starswirl?” I stumble backwards, not believing what I had just learned. “Starswirl, the Starswirl, knew English?!”

It’s been so many years since I’ve last seen My Little Pony that I don’t remember if this particular pony was ever mentioned in it. Her stallion half certainly never appeared on screen, I recall that much still, but maybe there was a reference to the archive wing named after him in Canterlot… Though, now that I think about it, Twilight Sparkle might have dressed up as him for the Nightterror Night episod-, er, oops; sorry. I meant the Nightmare Night episode.

Well, while I may not have too many human memories to draw information from on this, being Dusk’s assistant and Solaris’ Squire means I’ve heard the name tossed around more than once. True I never had much interest in learning about Starswirl until just now, but I’m pretty sure I still would have remembered it if somepony had mentioned her knowing a unique language!

Nodding simply, Artemis resituates himself off the floor and onto the adjacent bed. “Y-yes,” he again confirms, tightening the hold on his tome. “She could be very strict as a teacher, and so very reserved as a mare, but she was without question one of the brightest unicorns of her era. English was but one of the many languages she learned over the course of her long life.”

“But where did she learn it from?” I push back, wading through the padding.

“We… do not know.”

I angrily scrunch my face.

“S-sorry,” Artemis apologizes, shying away from me. “She traveled to many different lands before she became mine and brother’s teacher... Perhaps she learned it beyond Equestria?”

“Hmph,” I grunt, not liking that answer at all.

Since the tender age of three I’ve searched high and low for any traces of the English language in this world but, four years of nothing later, I had all but abandoned the idea that it had existed here at all. Starswirl having learned it from some far off, unknown land might still be a possibility… but I doubt it.

I doubt it because Elusive knows it too.

Thanks to Sweepy Belle I know that Elusive has lived in Ponyville all his life, and has rarely left it except for trips to neighboring towns to browse their bazaars. He's not the sort of stallion to, say, travel outside of Equestria on a whim; even without confirming this with his brother, it's pretty easy for anyone to see that he doesn't get out nearly as much as he should. Foundation only covers crow’s feet so much, as too does hair gel with split ends. He's nowhere near as bad as, say, Dusk, but much like… Sigh… Jason… Elusive too has a bad habit of working on his muse to the point of exhaustion.

That's not the sort of lifestyle that supports the casual study and mastering of an unknown, and undocumented, language. Elusive's knowledge of it must have been obtained supernaturally then, meaning that it's more likely than not that Starswirl's was also obtained in a similar fashion:

Through Reincarnation.

Starswirl; the mare who crafted many revolutionary spells far beyond her time, who accomplished many notable feats once thought impossible, who mysteriously charmed Ignatius The Phoenix the same way I have, and who personally taught Artemis and Solaris herself MUST be a-

Hey... Wait...

… She taught Artemis… and Solaris…

“... You said she was your teacher, right?” I probe Artemis, locking my eyes with his own.

“That’s correct,” he answers, again nodding compliantly.

“And Solaris’?” I follow up the question with another.

“Indeed,” the pony answers this as well, no longer giving me any resistance.

So Starswirl taught both Solaris and Artemis, huh…

... Please please please don't tell me that means what I think that means!

“So I guess Solaris knows English too then,” I state what I think to be the truth, praying that my assumption is wrong.

...

...

… But, instead of providing me with the dreaded ‘yes’ I was expecting, Artemis instead does something else entirely.

He stares at me blankly.

“...”

“... Artemis?” I call his name, getting a bit freaked out by his strange reaction.

“... No, he doesn’t,” he at last states plainly, though his staring continued on uninterrupted. “Or, at least he didn’t back when Starswirl disappeared all those many moons ago…” Artemis then shook his head. “We assume he still doesn't know English to this day, Barbara.”

“Why do you think that?” I fire back, wanting to know why he’s so certain; leaving nothing here to chance.

“Because it’s typically difficult for one to learn a new language that lacks other speakers to practice it with,” the pony confidently points out, “Nor tomes written in its characters to compare and contrast with thy own tongue.”

“But… you know it,” I point out in turn, zeroing in on the most interesting detail out of this little reveal.

“Hmph, barely,” Artemis admits, dragging a hoof idly over the bedspread. “Just what we gleaned from teacher’s long gone diary and nothing more.”

From her… diary...?

... What?

“I thought you said she taught it to you?” my head tilts, reflecting my desperation for clarity.

“...”

“... Artemis?”

… Prince Artemis’ cheeks then turned crimson red.

“W-well, um, y-yes!” he manages to sputter out, now no longer looking me in the eyes. “S-she did teach us the language… in a roundabout fashion, so to say…”

I raise an eyebrow.

“... Indirectly…”

My eyebrow raises higher.

“... W-without her consent.”

“...”

“...”

“... You peeked at a mare’s diary?” I ask, dumbstricken; having finally put two and two together. “Like, you broke into her room and read it?”

“W-we were but thirteen at the time!” Artemis squeaks, the rest of his face now equally bright red. “A mere thrall of ignorant youth! We couldn’t help ourself, okay?! B-but we feel we have grown much since those yesteryears, trul-”

“Dude, you just tried to do the same thing not even ten minutes ago,” I deadpan, pointing at The Poisoned Barb in my purse. “I’m a girl too, or did you forget?”

“...”

… Unable to properly counter or defend himself, the pegasus buries his tomato head behind shaky wingtips.

Getting really tired of talking with this dirtbag, if I’m being honest.

“Moving past the fact that you’ve always been a dirty little sneak,” I shiver before continuing. “If your only knowledge of English comes from peeks at Starswirl’s diary, how did you even learn to read it in the first place?”

More than grateful for the change of subject, Artemis willingly elaborates with, “We learned it through the use of the Dream Realm.”

“From the... Dream Realm?” I parrot, leaning back on my bed; consider the words more deeply. “Dream Realm…?”

Suddenly a memory crosses my mind.

“Oh yeah!” I sit up straight, having remembered something important. “You were reading over my shoulder when I wrote that dream diary entry!”

“We’d hardly call what we do in the Dream Realm as ‘reading’, Barbara.”

“... Can I get that reply with, like, a lot less snootiness, Princy?”

With a rolling of his eyes, Artemis complies.

“Words do not function in the Dream Realm as they do in reality, Seer,” he starts over, and talks noticeably slower. “When thou picks up a book within a dream and ‘reads’ it, what thou art truly doing is absorbing the concepts and ideas directly into thy mind; nothing more.”

“Um, what?” I blink, trying to process the image he’s painting. “I remember writing words though…”

“Yes, but what thou was doing in actuality was expressing thy thoughts upon an empty container,” the pony elaborates, tapping the cover of his own tome to illustrate. “Language barriers simply do not exist within the collective unconscious, thus translation of unknown script is not only possible, but also possible with little effort.”

“But you just read the cover of my book in the real world!” I reply back quickly, taking Artemis aback.

“C… C-correct,” he confirms, his surprise evident. Maybe he thought I was too young to understand what he was talking about or something. “We did in fact translate the title without the assistance of Dream Walking.”

“So then how did you learn what little you know?”

“By copying the words down upon a blank piece of parchment and taking it with us through Dream Walking,” Prince Artemis finally answers fully, taking pride in his ‘brilliant’ work around. “Practicing words as such is actually how we learned the art of reading in the first place!” He snorts. “Never could wrap our head around those blasted squiggles until we fell into the Dream Realm for the first time.”

“Neat,” I comment neutrally.

Not really sure how to incorporate ‘Male Luna grew up with a reading impairment’ into my everyday life, but I guess that’s a thing on the table now.

“If we had been granted even a minute more with thy diary, in fact,” Artemis goes on, making me nervous. “We are certain we could have easily conquered the first few pages before thou arrived!”

“C-coulda woulda shoulda,” I sputter, sweating bullets.

Really, really grateful Red launched me aboard now.

“There is ONE odd curio, however, neither the Dream Realm nor our English knowledge will be sufficient enough to solve for us, Barbara…”

Turning my head back towards Artemis across the tiny room, I find him again staring at me expectantly…

… Oh boy.

“And… what’s that?” I ask cautiously, no doubt about to trigger yet another one of his dirty traps.

“...”

“...”

… Artemis then took a nice a deep breath, before asking me straight up:

“How did thee learn this language, Seer, if clearly not through brother?”

Again the room is assaulted with the sound of clicking and clacking tracks, and not much else.

“...”

“...”

“... I’m not telling you how I learned English, Artemis,” I state resolutely, leaving no room for compromise. “I’m not going to tell you anything at all, or even give you a hint.”

“...”

“...”

“... Okay.”

Oh... wow.

Didn’t think the biggest shock of the day would come in the form of a single word sentence…

… Yes I remember Red Gala’s “nnope”; I’m just being dramatic.

“Okay?” I repeat, making sure I heard that right.

“We lost our horn the last time we faced thee, Barbara,” Artemis snorts back indignantly. “For all we know, thy burly companion is waiting on the rooftop above us, ready to strike at a moment's notice!”

“That’s ridiculou-” I start to say, but then I immediately think better of it. “Sure, yeah, whatever… As a quick side note, she’s usually not that brutal.”

Artemis grunts angrily, and roles his eyes, but ultimately chooses to say nothing.

“No, really, she’s not,” I stick up for my friend, wanting to set the score straight before this train stops at the next station. “She’s usually a lot more in control of her strength. I honestly don’t know what came over her when she knocked your horn off like she did.”

“... Does she perhaps have a younger sibling?” the Prince questions back somewhat relaxed, though his side glancing suggests that he’s more interested then he's letting on. “Maybe even one around thy age?”

“I’m not answering that question either,” I again reply thusly, unwilling to provide this pony ammo in any form.

“We were simply curious,” he huffs in turn, casting his eyes back towards the window. “If one of the foals we had dragged into the Dream Realm during the night of our return were to be related to her by chance… Well that would go a long way towards explaining her animosity, wouldn’t it?”

“Maybe,” I shrug, granting his train of thought some merit. “You didn’t really endear yourself to anypony that day though, Princy; least of all the families of said foals."

“Hm… Indeed,” Artemis admits, shrugging with his wings. “Resetting their internal clocks to be more conforming to the eternal night seemed like a brilliant idea at the time, though perhaps we should have waited until after our victory was assured before resorting to suc-”

“Hey, dude? Remember that thing I told you about redemption?” I interrupt, having decided that I’d rather not hear anymore of this villain talk. “Taking notes on where your plan went wrong instead of your actions does not a redeemed pony make.”

“...”

“... Well it’s the truth,” I pout, not for the first time wishing my baby body didn’t make it so gosh darn hard for others to take me seriously. “If you want ponies to love you as much as they do Solaris, you gotta stop being so rash and controlling.”

“But that’s how brother has operated since even our time,” Artemis points out the obvious.

“Yeah, but he’s not as blatant about it as you are,” I argue back, waving a claw. “He does stuff behind the scenes when nopony else is looking, and when he does get his hooves dirty he’s experienced enough to play it off like it was somepony else’s idea the whole time… Cough cough cou-having Dusk make friends-gh.”

“Thou should really get that cough looked at by a doctor, Barbara. It does not sound pleasant.”

“... God you’d be cute if you weren’t so stupidly thick in the head.”

“Pardon?”

“We’re getting off topic,” I brush off his question with ease, reasserting control. “I want to know more about Starswirl, and I want to know before this train hits the last station before Canterlot.”

“But-”

Click! Click!

“No buts,” I snap my claws, hurting the pegasus’ ears with the sound. “I was already planning on taking this route this weekend, so I know we only have, like, five more minutes before we hit that stop.”

“But-”

“Unless you want me to ask Solaris instead, and mention how you told me about her... I’d start talking, Princy.”

"... We could always simply drag thee into the Dream Realm, and end this back and forth on our terms..." he threatens.

"And I can do the same thing by lighting you on fire," I threaten back without missing a beat.

“... Ugh… Very well,” Artemis groans out for his continual defeat. “For the sake of keeping brother in the dark about this most horrid of days, and our flesh uncharred, we’ll tell thee what we can still recall about teacher... though do not expect it to be some thrilling tale or the like.”

“I can live with that,” I agreeably shake my head. “I won’t even fall asleep like I do when Dusk starts lecturing! Promise!”

“We hardly care either way,” the Prince mutters gruffly, before asking, “What specifically does thou wish to learn about Starswirl?”

“Well... what did she write in her diary, to start,” I try to ask offhandedly, and pretend that I’m not one hundred percent invested in the reply.

“Private affairs, mostly,” Artemis stretches his wings tiredly, unaware how thirsty I was for this information. “Though it was also where she kept her innermost thoughts concerning subjects such as the cycle of life and death, the existence of worlds that stand beside our own…

“... and of creatures beyond our wildest imagination.”

Whump whump whump

Out of the corner of my eye, I spot my tail wagging joyfully out of my control.

Discreetly burying it below a pillow, I resume listening.

“She would often write her greatest discoveries in ponish, and share them with the masses, but her more interesting theories were kept in this special tome. The nature of souls, the concept of eternity... Oh how we wish the book hadn’t vanished along with its author,” the stallion sighs wistfully. “We can only dare to imagine the multitudes of other fascinating concepts and ideals she pondered on, and kept so very close to her chest …”

Artemis’ eyes then begin to wander back over my way.

Back towards my purse…

… I grip its strap instinctively.

The cloaked pony snickers wryly at my reaction.

“We doubt the contents of The Poisoned Barb could hold a candle to Starswirl’s writing, Barbara,” he keeps chuckling, as if he hadn’t just talked smack about my hard work. “Thou and her may inexplicably share the same language, and apparently the same taste in overly extravagant titles, but thy tale is still so fresh and raw! Perhaps in time it will be an odyssey worth reading… For now though… Heh… For now we won’t even bother with a second glance.”

“You have such a way with words,” I growl, masking my growing annoyance. “Don’t make yourself a target,” I’m forced to remind myself. “Don’t make yourself a target.”

Artemis responds equal part cheerily and obliviously with, “Many thanks to thee! Was there anything else thou wished to learn?”

Not answering back right away, as I really wanted to do, I instead chose to take a moment to debate on whether there really is anything else worth asking about here.

Let’s see… So far I've learned that Starswirl knew English just like me… that she was likely a reincarnated person just like me… had the same idea of hiding her thoughts in an English written diary just like me… unintentionally had Artemis sneak a peek at said diary just like he did with mine... and then she disappeared off the face of the planet, taking her diary with her; not just like me…

… Guess ‘Where did Starswirl go?’ would logically be my next question.

If she lived around the time period where she could teach a young Prince Solaris and Artemis, the mare of the hour most likely died sometime after vanishing. That’s quite unfortunate, as a human with a unicorn’s intimate connection to magic would no doubt have much to say concerning our strange condition.

Her diary might still be kicking around though, if the state of her ponish written works are any indication. Whatever magic she used on them that keeps them undamaged and clean has lasted well over a thousand years, as well as a thousand re-reads by Dusk Shine, so perhaps there’s still a chance for me to learn something new from the dusty old mare if I find this elusive diary...

… But my five minutes are sadly up.

The train will be stopping too soon for me to even ask.

“Not today, Artemis,” I report diplomatically, as I jump down from the bed and back onto the floor. “You gave me a very important clue though, so thanks, I guess.”

“Thy gratitude does not return to us our magic, Barbara,” Artemis retorts with a heated huff. “It doesn’t undo what has transpired.”

“Yeah, I know,” I offer back, somewhat sympathetic. “I wish it did…

“... But I also wish your stupid answers made me feel safe in my own home again!” I fire back just as heatedly, unable to help myself. “You lost your horn, and I lost my sense of security… I think that makes us even here, Princy.”

“Bah!” Artemis turns away angrily, sulking on his bed. “There was no equivalent exchange this day, Seer! We will have to lay low, and avoid brother’s gaze for stars know how long, while thou, on the other hoof, shall return home as if nothing happened at all!"

“Like nothing happened?!” I stomp in retaliation. “I’ll be sleeping with a flipping nightlight for years after what you pulled on me today!”

“Oh do not pretend thou doesn’t do such already,” Artemis whips his head my way, pushing his bare temple against my own. “We would expect nothing less from a foul-mouthed infant such as thyself!”

“Infant?!” I snarl, pushing back against his headbutt. “That’s rich coming from a freaking manchild like you!”

“Manchild?!”

“Ooooh~ My apologies, your highness! Was that too much for your old-school brain to handle? Would you prefer to be called a stallion-foal instead~?”

“We’d much prefer to be known as thy Prince of the Night, insolent dragon!”

“The only kingdom you rule over is the one made up of envious glory hounds and big brother worshipers, you empty-headed pegasus!”

“Ah! But, what-, How dare thee-, why we’d outa… grrrr… Infant!”

“Manchild!”

“Whelp!”

“Jealous jerk!”

“Clawsucker!”

“Foalnapper!”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“... I hate you, Artemis.”

“... Well we hate thee more.”

“I hate you more than Princess Bluebelle.”

“We hate thee more than the full backing of our once mighty magical wellspring.”

“I’ll hate you forever.”

“Well we’ll hate thee…er... five-evers!”

“That’s not a real thing!”

“Tis so!”

“Is not!”

“Tis so!”

“Is not not not!”

“Tis so so so so!”

“...”

“...”

And then, all of a sudden...

“S-snrk"

Snort"

… a dam broke wide open...

"..."

"..."

“... H-hah, hahahah!”

“Heh, hehehehe!”

… resulting in good-natured, hearty laughter flowing forth like a river.

“Hahahaha!!”

The reason for this was simple, him and I had come to a realization at the exact same moment; one that didn't need to be shared with mere words.

“Heheheheh!!”

Our daylong battle of wits, full of twists, turns, mind games, deception, lies, manipulation, and even brutality... had devolved into little more than a schoolyard shouting match between children.

“Hahahahah!”

Considering Artemis is a thousand and twenty year old stallion with the emotional maturity of a foal, and I'm a woman of forty seven going on zero eight...

… well...

“Heheheheh!”

"Hah... hahah... hah!"

... how else could this have ended for a couple of stupid kids like us?

"Heheh, o-oh our sides... hehehe!!"

“Hahaha… snrk… Hahaha…”

“Heh… hehe… hehsnort…”

“...”

"..."

"... Haha... This was a dumb day,” I at last declare out loud, expressing our shared thought through a barely suppressed snicker.

“V-verily,” Artemis agrees wholeheartedly, snorting wryly.

“Just so… hah... So unbelievably dumb!” I repeat, unable to hold back my splitting ribs any longer.

“Hehe, indeed!" the pony snorts, failing just as hard as I am at stopping the giggles. "Truly, hehe… t-truly moronic! Heh!”

“I mean, at one point you made me think I was, haha, five again, dude!" I gasp for air, recalling my adorable lisping. "Wes I would wike hayburgers...Hah! How messed up, snrk, was that?!”

“But thou retaliated by punching, snort, p-punching royalty in the face!" Artemis throws out in turn, pointing at his snout. "Royalty! Hard! Hehe! Most amusing!”

“Yeah but then you riled me up over my title!" I titter uncontrollably, gasping for air. "My title! The thing I've had for years! Hah! How did I not see that coming?!”

“Do not fail to recall that thou tricked us brilliantly from the start with a mere pastry!" Artemis stomps his bed in equine applause. "Well done well done!”

“Hahahah!”

“Hehehe!”

“Hahah... I-I got punted like a freaking hoofball onto a moving train! Hahaha!”

“Heheh... And... a-and one kick from a peasant stole from us our immorality! Hehe... heheh!”

"Oh, and Dusk? Snrk… Dusk is going to, haha, kill me when he sees how badly those animals messed up the library! Hah!"

"And brother will certainly... certainly... snort, Oh it's too terrible to even describe for thee!"

"Well I thought about burning you alive more than once," I disclose casually, no longer seeing it as all that big a deal. "In comparison to that, will his wrath be better or worse?"

"Oh certainly worse," Artemis waves a hoof back and forth. "Much, much, worse... especially if he learns how we almost transformed back into Nightterror Nebula this day.”

"Whoa, wait, what? Hold up... When did that happen?!"

"It almost occurred in the brief moment when our eyes changed to match thy own."

"...Oh... Oh yeeeaaahhh... I remember that now... You almost lost your cool there?"

"Indeed..."

"..."

"... We were quite livid with thee at the time..."

"..."

"..."

“... Hahahah!”

“Hehehe!”

“... Haha… hahaha… hah…”

“Heheh… hehehe… heeehhh… huuuuuhhhh...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“... Tit for tat, Barbara?”

“... Umm... Eh, sure. What the hay? Tit for tat, Princy.”

“Why did thou title thy diary; ‘The Poisoned Barb’?”

“...”

“Er… W-was that perhaps too bold of us to ask?”

“No… No I… I guess it’s not... Sigh... No real point in hiding it anyways..."

"... Thou doesn't have to answe-"

"Nah... Nah... it's fine..."

"..."

"... Sometimes I don’t like knowing what I know.”

“Verily?”

“Yeah… Yeah...

“But why ever not?”

“Because… Because..."

"..."

"... B-because there are days where it feels like I was only born to mess everything up…”

“..."

“... If I didn’t know anything... if I was just the clueless little kid I’m supposed to be… maybe I’d be something new and unique, instead of old and borrowed…”

“...”

“...”

“... Does thou imagine thee would still be Dusk Shine’s assistant, or that earth pony mare's friend, if thy path had gone differently?”

“... No…”

“And thou still loves them both dearly, correct?”

“Without question...”

“Then we implore thee to envision this curse as thy cutie mark instead.”

“... Huh?” I ask the pony, as I turn back to meet his now kinder gaze.

“Thy destiny is to shape destiny, Barbara The Dragoness,” Prince Artemis proclaims softly, placing a hoof upon his heart. “It has become clear to us that this is the potential brother sees in thee, and has been working so very hard to cultivate. Perhaps thy skill will even eclipse his own in time, if thou simply learns how to hone thy 'messes' instead of fearing them.”

“But… I’m not special,” I argue back, shifting my sight downwards. “I’m just a regular old... Seer.”

A light blue hoof suddenly finds its way below my chin, and lifts it up until my green eyes meet cyan.

“Thou art anything but a regular old Seer,” the pony tells me clearly, without hesitation. “Of this we art most certain.”

“...”

“...”

“... I still hate you, Artemis.”

“And we still hate thee just as immensely,” the former alicorn smiles in turn...

… and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t doing much of the same as well.

Huh.

Can’t seem to scowl anymore… Weird… Not bad, just… Weird.

Deciding not to dwell on it, I chuckle lightly as I push myself away from Artemis. “That was perhaps the first bit of princely ‘wisdom’ you’ve given someone in, what, an eon?” I ask cheekily, becoming more relaxed around the jerk. “What gives?”

“Well don’t act too surprised,” the Prince jokes pleasantly in return. “Despite our poor showing this day, dispensing wisdom is still an essential part of a royal’s duty to their subjects... though the irony of us only offering such after losing our claim to the throne is undeniable.”

I wince thanks to this last bit.

“Oomph,” I comment. “Losing your horn really screwed a lot of things up, huh?”

“In ways thou can not possibly imagine.”

“But you're going someplace where you can fix yourself up, right?” I ask honestly, at last becoming genuinely concerned. “Canterlot has loads of unicorns! I bet there has to be a spell or something that’ll put your horn back on your head… right?”

“Hmmm, perhaps,” Artemis replies contemplatively. “The possibility did cross our mind at a point… The risk of bumping into brother was too great though, hence why this train isn’t heading towards Canterlot.”

“Oh,” I nod in understanding. “I see. That makes sense...”

… WAIT WHAT?!

“We’re not heading towards Canterlot?!” I scream, only now realizing that the train hasn’t slowed down like I thought it would. “W-where are we going then?!”

Dashing to the window, gazing outside, I spot Cloudsdale in the distance… only to recall that the city is currently scheduled to be traveling waaaaaaayyy south in preparation for the upcoming mini-winter!

Crap crap crap!

“Not Canterlot, that’s for certain,” Artemis reports calmly, watching my panic grow. “We tried to offer a warning earlier, but thou insisted on us answering thy questions concerning Starswirl and nothing more.”

“B-but I need to get back to Ponyville before the boys do!” I whimper, as my world comes crashing down yet again. “When is this train supposed to stop next?!”

“Early tomorrow morning.”

“AHHHHHHHH-”

Plump

Artemis’ hoof this time finds its way over my lips instead of my chin.

Rude.

“None of that now,” he scolds, shaking his head. “We believe the couple next door is attempting to sleep or the like.”

Using my claws, I rip the hoof away.

“Where, are, we, going?” I snarl, lighting up my mouth with flames once more.

“Towards Mount Aris,” the pony answers, unfaced by my fiery threat.

“... Where the hell is that?”

“... What the hay is a ‘hell’?”

“My question first; tit for tat.”

“Tit for tat,” echoes Artemis solemnly. “It is part of the land King Novo resides over...”

I blink blankly.

“... He is the King of the hippogriffs…”

I blink again.

“... His ancestors owe the Equestrian royal family a great debt, hence why we are seeking him out…”

Still... just... blinking...

“... This ‘hell’ must be quite the guarded secret if we have yet to provide sufficient tradeoff.”

“Hell is a place worse than Tartarus,” I sputter weakly. “And exactly how I would describe the state of my life right now.”

“Oh… That is most unfortunate.”

“Verily,” I steal his word, as I powerful desire to sit down washes over me. “I… don’t understand… Are you leaving Equestria?”

“That is correct,” Artemis grins, and chuckles mirthfully. “We take it thou never foresaw such an outcome within thy visions?”

I can only shake my head ‘yes’.

“Hah!” he then shouts loudly, disregarding his own command to speak quietly. “It would seem we’re still quite skilled at contradicting Seer predictions! Huzzah!”

“That’s not a good thing though,” I try to dissuade him, as my mind works on a way to fix my latest mess. “You’re supposed to have fun with everypony next Nightterror Night in Ponyville! Horn and all! Isn’t that a future you’d like to have for yourself?”

“... Hmmm… Yes, we suppose,” Artemis relents, taking a second to actually consider my words. “Though such a fate is not impossibly out of our reach yet, so long as the legends concerning Mount Aris are true.”

“Legends?”

“Tit for ta-”

“I just told you your future, dude!” I snap at him. “That’s worth, like, three tats at least!”

“... We shall accept thy juvenile logic.”

"Well, gee; thanks, I guess."

“Legends foretold of a mighty artifact hidden within the mountainside, Barbara,” Artemis explains excitedly, as trees continue to rush by the window beside us. “A relic so enchanted with transformative spellwork as to be capable of transfiguring even a lowly mouse into a imposing elephant!”

“And you think you can become an alicorn again if you use it,” I finish for him, having quickly put together his train of thought. “Changing back before your brother ever discovers what happened.”

“Yes!” he squees, still ecstatic over the possibility. “Exactly! Thou truly has a gift for reading our mind.”

“Reeeeaaaalllly wish I didn’t though,” I groan out, placing a claw over my face.

“Oh? How come?”

“Because I can see how stupid this plan of yours is,” I monotone in reply, my gaze piercing. “While, at the same time, knowing full well that there’s nothing I can say to convince you not to go through with it.”

“Ah… We see…” Artemis acknowledges my words, yet remaining unfaced by their implication. “... Thou may try though, Barbara. We’ll grant thee that much at least.”

“... Really?”

“Truly.”

“... Okay... You asked for it.”

I take a nice deep breath…

… and switch into emergency mother-mode.

“You don’t have enough bits for a ride home, nor enough for food, nor enough for an inn!”

“Well… yes… thou is correct... but-”

“You also didn’t have enough for a train ticket there in the first place!” I push forward, cutting him off. “I may not know where the hay Mount Aris is, but what I do know is that cross-continental trips cost a whole lot more than what my friend loaned you!”

“... Okay, yes; thou art correct in that respect as well…”

“What,” I stomp powerfully, trying to weaken my opponent's resolve. “Were you planning to fly the rest of the way there or something?!”

“... Per-... P-perhaps…”

“Stupid,” I spit crossly, throwing my claws up. “So, flipping, stupid... Literally winging it, good lord… Do you even have a passport to officially cross Equestria's border with?!”

“... What is this 'pass' of 'ports' of which thou speaks?”

Placing my fist into my mouth, I suppress a second scream.

“... We take it that it’s something important to our travels then…”

“You are going to die, Prince Artemis,” I state clearly, removing my gag to do so. “No backup plan, no bits, no clue about the modern world, no clue if this artifact thing is even real, and no immortality… You are going to legit die out there, dude! Don’t need to be a Seer to see that!”

“... The possibility does exist…” Artemis at last admits, becoming meditative.

This fills me with hope.

“... But we feel we must still risk the journey.”

This fills me with dread.

“Are you so flipping afraid of what your brother will do to you that you’re willing to freaking die to avoid it?!” I wail, completely flabbergasted.

“We art not afraid of him, Barbara.”

“It sure looks like it though, Princy!”

“We assure thee, we art not.”

“Are too.”

“Art not.”

“Are too!”

“Art not!”

“Are to-”

“SILENCE!!” Artemis unleashes the Canterlot Voice, shaking the small cabin. “Would thou please allow us to explain ourself first before simply assuming we are an imbecile?! Bah!" he then spat. "We swear thou has the patience of a child sometimes...”

“...”

“...”

“... Did... Did you seriously just forget-”

“Yes we forgot that thou art literally a child,” Artemis muffles behind his double facehoofing.

“Eh, happens to everypony.”

“Bleg… Despite thy assumption that we are foalishly attempting to avoid brother’s ire and nothing more,” the Prince goes on, speaking patiently. “There is a method present in our so-called madness.”

“Oh yeah? Prove it!”

“Gladly,” Artemis smirks, eagerly rising to my challenge. “Mount Aris is located upon the waters of a vast ocean, one whose waves will strengthen our connection to the moon the closer we draw towards them. Though this train will not take us all the way to the foot of the kingdom, we can follow the tracks leading towards the southern desert in order to avoid getting lost. For food and shelter we will live off the land; our youth was spent exploring what is now known as the Everfree Forest, and nature has not changed all that dramatically in the last thousand years, thus we feel our foraging skills will still be up to the task.

"Lastly, the most important detail of all…

“... we were bested by a child this day.”

“That’s not a positive, Princy,” I swiftly point out, after taking all that in. “That’s just a statement of fact.”

“On the contrary, it is another important detail, Barbara,” Artemis defends himself, his tone still resolute. “Thou beat us so thoroughly that it can be argued that we left Ponyville an entirely different stallion than when we arrived!”

"Well no duh, you left about five pounds lighter."

"..."

“… Too soon?"

"Verily."

"S-sorry."

“Apology accepted," he waves me off. "As we were saying, we feel as thou we are not the same stallion who ventured forth from Canterlot this morn'… and we do not yet know whether that is a favorable sign or not,” the pony looks away briefly, before turning back to face me. “The way we see it though, there is but only two options left to us for moving past this most dreadful of days:

"We can either hold ourself up in our room until we hopefully heal, and stew over where we went so wrong while waiting…

“... or we can journey forth into this vast land and capitalize on this strange twist of fate!”

“...” I tilt my head, completely lost. "... Huh?"

Displaying his wings fully, Artemis explains that, “We are but a simple pegasus now. Without our horn, we appear no different than any other Equestrian citizen; save for thyself.”

“Which means… what, exactly?”

Artemis’ lips twist cockily upwards, basking in my confusion.

“It means we can explore Equestria and beyond as a vagabond instead of a prince!” he reports energetically, as if his whole life hadn’t been upheaved for the second time. “We can use this chance to observe how different the ponies of this modern era are up close and personal! Their hopes, their wants, their dreams, especially their dreams, actually, will be the building blocks towards us becoming just as beloved a prince as brother himself!”

◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠

Prince Artemis then went on to describe many more opportunities that were apparently now available to him thanks to his mutilation. From being able to see plays and art galleries and museums, to experiencing simpler things like fishing and sports and even magic shows; my knee jerk reaction was that princehood shackled ponies far more aggressively than I ever imagined... but that was far from the truth.

In actuality, I've come to realize that Artemis' excitement towards being able to experience so much stemmed from an honest and pure desire to grow past his faults, and to become the stallion he always wanted others to see him as.

I can’t believe how something as benign as me staying awake during the season premier had such a devastating butterfly effect on Equestria's future! There’s nothing wrong with a pony wanting to better himself, of course, but I find it hard to imagine that the Princess Luna of season two experienced anything near as life changing as what Prince Artemis just went through.

Stubborn, Headstrong, and a bit Oblivious when it came to modern social etiquette... these are just some of the words I would use to describe what I can still recall from Luna’s four appearances on the show. These are mostly the same words I would use to describe Prince Artemis as well, along with Conniving, Selfish, and Jealously motivated; traits Princess Luna never displayed anywhere near as blatantly...

… “World-weary” isn't a word I would use to describe her with though.

World-weary might be reserved only for Artemis if he survives his insane journey of self-discovery.

The reason I believe this will be the case for him is because my imagination can string together hundreds of different scenarios where the Luna of season one grows into the Luna of season two. I can imagine her having done so through meditation, or therapy, or even through the help of her big sister; traveling across Equestria though… I can’t picture that.

I can’t picture a somewhat awkward mare such as her staying awkward after going through such an ordeal.

Sure a similarly awkward mare such as, say, Fluttershy, remained mostly the same throughout what I still remember of the cartoon, but when she left the confines of Ponyville she always did so alongside her friends. They helped her to gradually come out of her shell, and become more confident, but their presence also made it easy for her to fall back on her old habits when times grew hard.

Artemis won't have that same luxury though.

Artemis will be traveling alone.

It'll be difficult, it'll be challenging, and it'll no doubt leave him unrecognizable from the pony I met today...

… and, despite my best efforts, there wasn't a single thing I could do to stop him.

◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠◠

“... What about bandits?”

“Save for our journal, our severed horn is the only thing of value that can be stolen from us; with enough lumber though, we can easily disguise it as an unassuming staff or the like.”

“... Well what if you get into a fight?”

Sling

Without missing a beat, Artemis draws the flipping warblade he used as Nightterror Nebula out from Dusk’s borrowed saddle bag.

“Fati-Torquent has been loyally by our side ever since we won her in a fateful game of chance,” the cloaked pony speaks reverently about the, if the tingling on my scales is right, lightly-enchanted hunk of tempered metal. “We are certain simply brandishing her will deter any potential foes from wanting to take us on.”

“What is it with colts and their silly obsession with swords?” I can’t help but ponder. “… But what are you going to do about bad weather?” I next ask.

“We can rise above the clouds with our wings whenever the need arises.”

“... Dragons?”

“We will not be traveling anywhere near the Badlands, and the Great Dragon Migration is still quite a ways away if we recall correctly.”

“... Timberwolves?”

“Again we shall remind thee of our wings.”

“... Rodents of unusual size?”

“We don’t think they exist.”

Snrk

“Huh?”

“N-nothing,” I cough. “Well it looks like you put a lot of thought into this, smart guy... But what are you going to do about your big brother?” I whip my talon forward, judgingly. “The moment he realizes you’re gone is the moment he’s going to launch a full scale ponyhunt for your flank!”

“Why just our flank?”

“Ugh!” I groan, wiping a claw across my face. “See, see?! That, right there, is enough to convince me that you won’t last a day outside in the real world!”

“Because we do not understand the importance of our own flank?”

“Because you’re helpless!” I plead with the stallion, begging for him to see reason. “You got tricked by a kindergartener more than once, lost your horn half a day after leaving Canterlot, folded immediately after being threatened by two little fireballs, and you couldn’t even leave the flipping library without asking for help first!

"You, are, helpless, Artemis! Completely and utterly helples-

“Thou art showing an awful lot of concern for somepony who isn’t thy friend,” the cloaked Prince cuts me off, pointing out the obvious. “Or… at least, sompony who assumed they weren’t thy friend.”

“...”

… Against my control, my cheeks blush profusely.

“I-I’m just doing my job as a Seer,” I croak, as I decide to turn away from Artemis for no particular reason whatsoever. “Someone has to make sure you ponies don’t do anything stupid, like get yourselves killed, so it might as well be me!”

“Thou shoulders quite the heavy burden then, little Seer,” Artemis teases back, and I can practically hear his smirk in his tone. “We shall wish thee luck in thy endeavor, but only if thou returns the favor by granting our journey a similar blessing.”

“Your brother is still going to-”

“We possess brother’s blessing already, Barbara.”

I didn’t even know my neck could turn so quickly.

“When the hell did you get that?!” I interrogate immediately, violating the pegasus’ personal space.

“Again with this hell nonsense,” he murmurs to himself, before addressing me literally head on. “We pitched the idea of us traveling to brother shortly after our return from banishment, but it was vetoed thoroughly at the time...”

"..."

"..."

“... T-that’s the complete opposite of a blessing, dude!”

“Hehe, indeed!” Artemis grins toothily, clearly out of his little horse mind.

“Quit smiling!” I resist the urge to slap him… but only barely. “Solaris saying no means he’s going to hunt you down even worse than he would have in Canterlot!”

“Brother never said ‘no’ though, Barbara,” the pony pushes me gently away. “He simply said that it was a bad idea; nothing more.”

“... How does that change anything?!”

“It changes the context considerably!” he raises a hoof up, reminiscent of how Dusk does when he gets into lecturing mode. “He never outright forbid our departure from Canterlot, meaning the moment we disappear is the moment he realizes that we have taken our destiny into our own hooves! So, in a roundabout fashion… we have his blessing.”

...

… That…

… I don’t even know where to begin describing how ludicrous that sounds!

It’s asinine! It’s ridiculous! It’s… It’s…

… Oh my god it’s moon logic.

He’s using freaking moon logic against me.

How did I not see this coming...?

… Okay.

That’s it.

We’re done here.

“I fold, Artemis,” I report sullenly, making my way now to the windowsill. “You win.”

“Verily?”

I start feeling up the bottom of the window, searchingly. “Yeah,” I confirm again for the pony, no longer granting him my full attention. “Clearly you know better than little not-so-old me, so I’m not going to argue anymore.”

“... Oh,” Artemis notes in surprise, perhaps thinking I was going to provide him with more of a fight. “Well… huzzah, then.”

“Huzzah indeed,” I parrot, too focused on my new task to offer anything more.

“So thou will keep the reasoning behind our travels a secret from brother?”

“Yeah,” I grunt. “Make sure to write to him though so he doesn’t get worried.”

“We agree to these terms,” the former alicorn happily chimes. “... Oh! That would give us the opportunity to experience the wonders of the postal service too! How exciting!”

“Uh huh,” I add with a shrug, not really listening.

“But, wait a moment… Postage costs bits, does it not? T-that may prove to be quite the obstacle for us-”

Clink clink clink

I toss some bits from my purse over my shoulder before resuming my hunt.

“Huzzah!” Artemis cheers joyfully. “We are most grateful for thy donation towards our journey!”

“Uh huh,” I repeat, still working on the window.

“Is there anything we can offer in exchange for thy generosity?” the former alicorn nudges me, regaining my attention.

“Help me find the latch on this stupid thing,” I order, pointing to the window; saying nothing more.

“Ah! Certainly,” the pony smiles brightly. “Tis indeed a bit stuffy in here.”

Stepping aside, the pegasus uses his wingtips to locate the elusive latch, and to slide the window completely open. Wind dashes into our small cabin soon after, granting us some much needed air.

“Ahhhh… Lovely,” Artemis sighs dreamily in the now noise polluted room.

“Yup,” I nod in agreement. “This is lovely. It's just the right size for me to throw myself out of.”

“Verily,” Artemis offers contently.

“... Wait what?!” he then yelped, only now realizing that I had moved myself to sit on the now open windowsill. “W-what ever art thou doing?!”

“LEAVING!” I yell loudly, speaking over the rushing wind and clicking tracks. “I can’t wait for this train to stop tomorrow! I have to get back to Ponyville today! The future depends on it!”

“B-but that’s lunacy!” he roars wildly back, using his hooves in an attempt to pull me free. Dragon strength trumps pegasus strength though, so his efforts are all for not. “Thou will surely perish from the drop alone!”

“My scales are thick, and I’m running out of time!” I roar just as passionately. “If I’m not in the library by the time Dusk returns, he’s going to wonder where I went! And when Dusk gets curious about something…”

“He stops at nothing to get to the bottom of the mystery,” Artemis finishes for me, having realized the credible threat to secrecy my charge poses. “That was exactly how he bested us when we were Nightterror Nebula…”

“And it’s how he’ll best both of us unless I give him nothing to worry about!” I, in turn, finish for Artemis; tit for tat. “Don't fight me on this, you won't win!"

"But-"

"LOOK!" I bark, shutting him up. "Look... You have your path, and I have mine. Neither of us wants the other to walk down it…”

“But we both feel it necessary...” the stallion ends the back and forth sorrowfully, at last acknowledging the truth of our dilemma. “... Safe journey, little Seer.”

Cranking my head towards the train car, I meet Artemis' determined eyes with my own.

“Safe journey, Princy.”

Turning back to the rushing scene before me, I wait for the tree line to thin out enough for me to jump- Oh dear lord am I really about to do this...?

... O-oh dear lord I think I’m really about to do this.

“...Um... Does thou require any… assistance?” the stallion in the train asks me meekly, still greatly skeeved out by this whole affair.

“Well, if you're offering, you could fly me down safely with those wings of yours…” I suggest expectantly.

“... Is there any assistance we can offer that doesn’t involve us losing our precious spot on this locomotive?”

“... And thus Equestria’s gentlecolt population remained pathetically low,” I proclaimed under my breath, disappointed. “J-just kick me or something so I can soar past the train tracks!”

“Surely there must be a better option!”

“Don’t call me Shirley,” I jokingly snark, momentarily distracting myself from the bone chilling terror. “The longer I wait here the further I’ll have to walk; there’s nothing else either of us can do!”

“But-”

“Just get your horn back back on your head, become a better stallion, and come to Ponyville in time for Nightterror Night!” I command, hardening my nerves. “Make zero eye contact with me on that day, and I’ll call us even!”

“But-”

“We’re almost out of trees, Artemis!” I hurriedly report, as both my grip and resolve start to shake loose. “It’s now or never!”

“B-b-but-

"Beginning count down in; Three… Two…”

… Inhale… exhale...

... Tuck and roll, sugarcube.

“... ONE- Heeeey wait don’t trains usually have an emergency break or something for stuff like thi-”

“Ahhhhh!”

WHOOMP!!

“OH GOD MISTAKES WERE MAAAADE!!!”

Thump!

Fump!

Tumble tumble… tumble

… Suddenly I don’t completely hate being a dragon anymore.

Scales freaking rule…

… G-gravity still hurts though… ow...

Wobbling out of the thorn bush that had mercifully broken my fall, I cast my eyes out over the train tracks…

… spot the Friendship Express speeding off towards the horizon…

… and proceed to scream at the top of my lungs a loud and truthful declaration of:

“YOU KICK LIKE A LITTLE FILLY!!!”

“Thou art literally the woooorrrrssssttt...”

With that last shout of defiance, Prince Artemis was finally, and truly, gone.

The day… was saved.

Now all I have to do to end this living nightmare once and for all is to head back to Ponyville!

Back… to Ponyville…

… Miles and miles and miles away Ponyville…

Sticking out my thumb, I begin what will undoubtedly be a very, very long walk.

“I wonder if ponies even know what this gesture means,” I ask myself aloud, homeward bound. “I bet they do... I mean, hitchhiking is totally a universal concept, right...?"

...

“... R-right?”

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