Entry Derp, Part Derp (April Derp... Er, Fools)
~In Another Time... But, Like, Canonically After Griffon The Brush Off... And Before Boast Busted... And Does Anyone Actually Pay Attention to These Blurbs? They're, Like, Super Important, Man. They Hold Clues To Most Of The Major Mysteries... Except For Elusive's. THAT Hot Mess Ain't Gonna Be Answered Until Cduns Uv Dra-
Wait... @#$%! Was This Still On?! Son Of A Bitc-~
Running errands in Equestria flipping sucks.
They take me twice as long to do here then they did back on Earth, and this fact never fails to bum me out. I fondly remember used to being able to hop into the family van, swing by a couple of stores, and be back home with hours still left on my clock. Most Earth businesses had you in and out at a reasonable click; decide what you want, pick up or ask for said want, and then pay for it with the wave of your smartphone. Small lines, small waits, very small interaction with teenagers who didn't know how to bathe themselves properly... 'Magical' is how I'd describe such a process to someone not native to my birth planet, because looking back it honestly was.
As you probably already guessed, this isn't how it works in Equestria.
Despite this world's access to actual magic that could replicate such conveniences with ease, I know better than to hope for something that will never be; such enviable levels of automation are well beyond Equus' current grasp. Ponies prefer to linger, after all. Ponies prefer to talk as well. Ponies prefer to have their needs taken care of by a fleshy expert, ponies prefer to see familiar faces.
And ponies, unfortunately, prefer to be slow as sloths.
The novel concept of 'quickly picking something up from the store' doesn't exist in Equestria. Every transaction is a potential barter opportunity, meaning prices can always be talked down if you put in the effort. This increases the wait time between customers significantly, as you can imagine, and spending hours waiting is not unheard of nor considered unusual. Think 'extreme couponing' and you'll instantly get what I'm talking about. It's frustrating in every sense of the word...
... but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't gaming the system the same as everypony else.
Hypocrisy, thy name is Barbara.
P-please don't judge me too harshly for my sins, folks! When all you need to do to get a few bits taken off your bill is to point out how you're an adorable baby dragoness, and say 'pwease', it's hard not to join in the 'fun'... But, hey, at least I'm considerate of the other ponies waiting in line when I play it! I'm not like those people who don't give a flying feather whether they're wasting everyone's time or not! Get this, I once saw a stallion argue for a solid hour straight just to get a single bit taken off a Hay Burger meal.
Not a day goes by where I haven't thought about setting him, and others like him, on fire for their crimes against my patience.
Sadly burning my problems away is seldom the answer; sometimes all I can do is complain about the stupidity and move on. There's nothing I can do to change how ponies operate... but I still wish Equestria would get with the times already! Money was invented to replace barter systems, not complement them! Oh how I long to return to my carefree days of swinging by McDonald's for a bite, or hopping onto Amazon for an essential! Those were happier times indeed...
... Sigh... More so than the slowness, I think this overwhelming sense of homesickness might be the true culprit behind why I feel running errands in Equestria sucks so much. Mentally I know that there's nothing wrong with missing my old life, but emotionally I'm still stuck in the past.
If this idiotic heart of mine would just shut up for, like, five minutes maybe I could start recovering already! I can't start living my new life until minor crap like this stops bugging me, but I can't do that until said minor crap stops cropping up!
Being held down by such heavy baggage gets so tiring after awhile, you guys...
...
... Speaking of baggage; before I wrap up this discussion/rant I feel the need to point out how there's one business in all of Equestria that has failed to give me this same sense of longing. If anything... its made me feel pleasantly nostalgic instead!
The reason behind this is of no mystery to me; I fully understand why I feel this way when I visit this specific store. It's not because of the sights, it's not because of the sounds, and it's certainly not because of the smells.
No...
... The post office is equally as slow in Equus as it was back on Earth; that's why it feels so nostalgic to me.
What's the point in pining for something when it's basically the gosh darn same? I bet if ponies had a DMV it would be equally as archaic, with a line just as intimidating as the one I've been trapped in for most of this afternoon. The ticking clock on the wall has been a constant reminder of just how long I've been here. I could have been starting my next O&O session with Red Gala today, or I could have been playing pretend Power Ponies with Sweepy and Scooter but noooo; I just had to sacrifice my day off to stand around and wait.
Bleh. Well... whatever. Thankfully I'm almost next. I have my receipt in claw, the one indicating that a package was delivered while Dusk and I weren't home, so hopefully it won't take too much longer for me to get the goods and make off like a bandit.
"Next!"
Ah! Right on cue!
As the pony in front of me grumbles, stomping away from the counter, I pay him little mind as I pad my way forward. Getting on my tippy toes so I can reach, I'm at last able to see that this office hired a new mail carrier since my last visit.
Not only that, but said carrier is somepony I recognize from My Little Pony!
... Like... completely recognize... Huh.
"Oh! Cool!" the familiar grey pegasus chimed pleasantly. "You're that dragon from Rainbow Dash's party!"
Surprised to have been recognized too (especially considering how I didn't do all that much mingling during the aforementioned party), I blush as I realize that this pony remembers me but I don't them. "Um... Yeah. Hi. I'm Barb."
"Hi!" the blond mare waved back enthusiastically, uncaring that the chitchat was slowing down the line. "I'm Derpy! Wow, I've never met a dragon before!"
And, yes, you heard that right; I said mare.
Though I mentioned that I don't remember this pony all that well, I meant it in real world context. Of course I 'know' Derpy Hooves from the show; she appeared in the season two episode that involved Applejack and the blue ribbons. Her speaking role in her one scene was incredibly minor, and I hardly remember what she said, but her appearance still left a lasting impression on me regardless. Why it did I'm unsure, but I can hazard a guess that the ungodly loud squee my daughter produced at the time might be part of the reason.
Ashley once tried to explain to me how My Little Pony had something called 'background ponies', characters with their own names and adventures that happened behind the scenes of the regular show. I never payed attention to this aspect of the series, and I can't for the life of me recall any of the ponies she told me about, but it appears that I somehow still remember Derpy after all these years. Despite that pony's origin as a pallet-swapped Rainbow Dash, her lazy eye and bold name must have marked her as something special in my mind; a mare worth remembering the same as any main character.
I'm extremely surprised to see that she's still a pallet-swapped version of this world's more feminine Rainbow Dash though, and that she's clearly a she. Her voice gives it away, as it's much more high pitched in tone than her show counterpart's was...
... But... Maybe I'm wrong? Maybe this is the stallion version of that bubbly pony? Or maybe the show's was a boy this whole time? I did think their voice sounded a bit too masculine for a mare... Again I'm presented with another strange swerve to canon, but this time it doesn't feel nearly as earth shattering as some of the others I've experienced so far.
This time it's just... odd.
"How can I help you today?" Derpy asks, returning my mind to the present.
Oh, right. I'm here for Dusk's latest care package from Canterlot. I tell the mare just that. "I'm here to pick up a package for the library." I them present my receipt.
Gripping it with her wings, one of Derpy's eyes scan the message while the other stays stationary in place.
"Hmmm... Oh! I know which one! Brb!" With that she tosses the slip of paper aside and digs deep underneath her desk.
"Thank you," I polity comment as she goes to work.
"Just doin' my job, little lady!" she cheers as she continues to dig. The top half of her head is poking out while she searches, allowing me to see how one of her eyes is bouncing up and down in rhythm to her happy bobbing.
The sight of it is... mesmerizing.
"..."
"..."
"..."
"... You're staring."
With cheeks suddenly burning bright red, a great feeling of shame washes over me.
"I'm sorry," I apologize, looking away. And here I was trying so hard not to stare too. "I-I didn't mean to..."
A sniffle escapes my nose.
I'm fighting to hold back tears.
Stupid child body, s-stop influencing me. I remember being an adult, damn it; I'm supposed to be tactful and in control of my emotions. I'm not supposed to be such a blubbering, inconsiderate baby...
Halting her work, the postmare leans over the counter and lays a calming hoof on my shoulder.
"Hey there," she coos, her tone nothing but motherly. "Don't cry! I get it all the time!"
"T-that doesn't make it right," I mutter back, eyes still glued to the ground.
"Hehe, nope," Derpy laughs in agreement. "But it's nothing to be ashamed about either!" she then insists, and my melancholy doesn't stand a chance in the face of her chipperness.
Placing a wingtip underneath my chin, she next lifts my head up until we're once again eye to eye... or at least as eye to eye as we can get.
"I actually prefer when ponies ask me about it, Barb," Derpy reassures me with a soft smile. "Ignoring it doesn't make it go away, and it's a big part of who I am, so I'm always willing to help ponies to better understand me!"
"..."
... This...
... This is making my heart feel a heck of a lot lighter.
There's this feeling of kinship now growing within my chest; Derpy's words are striking a deep chord with me. 'It's a big part of who I am'... If only I had the same courage as her when it came to sharing my true nature with my friends. Maybe restarting my life wouldn't feel as daunting as it does if those around me understood what I'm going through...
"Really?" I proceed to ask Derpy, willingly showing my interest to know more. Perhaps I can learn a thing or two from her through the story behind her unique ey-
"Yup!" the pegasus answers back, cutting off my train of thought. Pounding her chest proudly, she follows this up by stating quite clearly that, "I'm always willing to tell ponies how I was born a mare!"
...
...
... Wha?
"Wha?" I repeat, feeling like I had just made a wrong turn at Albuquerque.
"I'm all mare, little lady," Derpy declares, jumping up onto her desk and pointing a hoof into the air; striking a pose...
... much to the dismay of everypony behind me realizing that I had just delayed them all.
Oops. My bad.
"Ponies keep thinking I'm a dude like Rainbow Dash just cuz I like to wear my mane the same way he does!" the postal postmare reveals, practically snarling at the fact. "Isn't that just the most messed thing you've ever heard, Barb?!"
I invoke the rule of three by again asking, "Wha?"
"I know, right?!" she continues to rant, getting in my face. "He doesn't have a monopoly on casual chic, girl! He doesn't!!"
I have made a grave mistake.
"Even the ponies who haven't met him think I'm a dude!" Derpy huffs, now dramatically flopping upon the counter; defeated. "Oh cruel fate, why am I forsaken so?!"
"... Can... C-can I get my package now please, ma'a-"
"I don't look like a dude or something," her head snaps back to me. "Right?!"
"N-no!" I quickly answer, waving my claws up in a show of surrender. "Not at all! You're very pretty, Derpy! I hope I get to be half as pretty as you when I grow up!"
"... Aww you're a little charmer, hehe," the mood-swinging pony chuckles, rubbing my head playfully.
She then shoves a warm muffin into my claws.
"On the house!" she declares, not offering further context.
Ummm... This... isn't a bakery... H-how is this thing still oven fresh?
...
... Munchmunchmunch...
Whoa... this muffin's got gems in it.
Ballin'.
While I work on my surprise treat, Derpy let's low a small sigh before resuming. "I wish I knew why everypony thinks I'm a dude," she laments, and as she does her eye begins to droop along with her ears. "Makeup, dresses, purses; nothing seems to work! What am I doing wrong? I just don't know..."
"You're doing nothing wrong," I answer back around a full mouth. "Ponies don't know what they're talking about! You don't look like a stallion at all, Derpy. Honest."
These kind words of mine earn me a second muffin.
Best post office in the multiverse. Ten out of ten, would wait in line again.
Derpy Hooves grants me a genuine smile for my understanding, and her eyes straighten for a fleeting moment as her frustration begins to subside. "Thanks, Barb. You're a good foal... Let me get back to finding your package."
"Thank you," I nod as she dives under the counter. "And I really do mean it," I add in before starting my second muffin. "I didn't think you were a dude at all. I've got no clue why anypony would think otherwise."
The mare snorts.
"My gal pal, Doc, thinks it might be because ponies are subconsciously sensing and repressing the eldritch knowledge that I'm an essential fixed pillar in the multiversal expanse that needs to remain constant under fear of catastrophic dimensional collapse the likes of which unseen since the dark primordial affront that originally birthed our perceived reality."
I stop chewing.
"... Umm..." I astutely note upon swallowing. "Those... were... certainly... words... I think?"
Derpy giggle-snorts at my confused reaction.
"That's what I said! Doc can be such a silly filly sometim- Oh! Found it!"
Plop
With an unceremonious drop onto the counter, I finally receive my package at long last.
Holding out a clipboard with her wing, Derpy presents me with a quill and asks me to, "Sign here, here, initial here, hoof-, er... clawprint here please, aaannnddd there you go! Have a nice day!"
"You too!" I reply back, taking the box with both my claws and carrying it out of the office. I give the building one last glance as I leave.
That was certainly... weird... Not a bad weird, by any means. Just... a weird weird.
Derpy's gal pal's undecipherable explanation aside, I'm still confused as to what the show's version of her was if not a mare. I'm wracking my brain trying to remember any lines that would have hinted at them being a him, but I can't seem to recall any. I don't really remember any suggesting that they were a mare either, just the character model. Their voice was certainly masculine, buuutt I vaguely recall Ashley once saying something about how this being changed in a re-airing of the episode. Everypony in this Equestria is a mirror of their show counterpart, so logically there has to be a male one somewhere, but...
...
... You know what? It doesn't matter. This is just another little quirk meant to keep me on my toes. It doesn't affect anything major, and it doesn't hurt anypony, so I suppose it's not really something I should be stressing over.
Besides... when I get right down to it, and drum up all of my creative juices...
... I can't really picture a ManlyDerp, can you?
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10159294
You're thrown tomatoes give me power overwhelming
There is only one response to this chapter...with that final line...*slowclap*
Even Derpy’s aware. I’m honestly used to RD being a drag queen here.
If this isn't canon it should be
Wow.
I just... I don't... WHY!!!
Just... No. Please... No.
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i.imgur.com/bfxuuWa.jpg
... Gosh I suck at editing. I should probably stick to writing
10159625
Thy wish is my command!
I love it. You used April Fools Day to spread lore of the only Overqueen of all things fluff-topped and wrapped in crinkle paper worth talking about.
10159804
Hold my beer for a second...
derpicdn.net/img/2020/2/27/2284814/large.png
Maybe Barb could ask the female doctor about her situation in this universe
pm1.narvii.com/6169/06062c3b40b444270d5e728f20dcab57965e26e0_hq.jpg
10160954
Hmmm... I'd say this is aaaabbbooouuuttt... a 7.
I'll see myself out *dives into the hole*
10160086
... Well... shoot. That IS, indeed, a ManlyDerp... My hats off to you
i feel like I should have seen that coming.
Kudos.
I love how you just suddenly stuck in some random fact about Derpy being some sort of eldritch being that is keeping the entire Multiverse from collapsing by being the same in every single timeline ever. And then the MC doesn’t understand, and it’s left there just for our sake. Absolutely beautiful thank you.
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*Bows so lowly that she flips and lands on her back*
I don't know. I think I see a perfectly ManlyDerp right here.
The anticipation is killing me.
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...
...
... Check back later today
This entire chapter was purely for that last line, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for you over it.
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Writing backwards is my specialty, and puns are my weakness; it was a match made in hell
This would be a good way to find out seers. Just ask derpy who thought she was a guy, and boom, you've got prime suspects.
10609987
Would definitely be a good way to weed out which camp Trixster's assistant is in...
... though, to be honest; I think if a Seer did see Derpy in one of their visions, all they would probably see is a walking talking 404 Error Code and nothing else