Dream Quill
Joined 20th Sep, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Moon_Fire · 208k words · 249 64 · 3.9k views
- golden dawn · 9.2k words · 104 45 · 3.4k views
- Kris The Kris · 3.1k words · 90 14 · 3.4k views
- BlueSkyHeadLeft010 · 16k words · 35 4 · 984 views
- Grey Ghost · 5k words · 49 9 · 876 views
- kris664 · 19k words · 117 19 · 2.3k views
- Kris The Kris · 23k words · 167 18 · 5.9k views
- Spartan889 · 11k words · 66 11 · 2k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.052 seconds
Total duration
744 users online
736,639 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Oh fuck, another shitty LoHAV. An extraordinarily whiny one, too.
I'm exited for this one, let's see where this is going.
I know nothing abaut final fantsy bit this is really cool.
So, she killed a mare,framed the human, and then had her stoned so she couldn't defend herself?
Brutal
5760019
No. Celestia thinks, that she killed Sephiroth, cause in this version of equestria she was the first and only living being turned to stone.
She calls Sephiroth a 'mare' because it is the appropriate term of a female for equines.
5760029 Hold on, was Sephiroth Celestia's lover in this story?
5760222
Negative.
Maybe I should have made it more clear. Well the love of Sephiroth is unknown at this point in the story, cause I never mentioned who he is. The only thing about him that is known (cause of the pronowns used in the prolog) is that he is, in fact, male.
Obligatory theme music GO!
I think I'd like to do a crossover sometime soon with you. If you're not gonna be straight evil.
5760468
Sure. Sounds like fun.
5760502 Might have to wait a week or two. Currently trying to do another crossover with someone else.
that made me sad D: being betrayed by the one you love has got to be terrible T_T
Well, I'm a bit skeptical but everybody gets a shot. Let's just see how this goes
Some grammar issues and the one she's crying about is obvious. Other than that this is a great premise. 7/10
I... I have to. Holy Celestia, I have to review your story.
I cannot just leave something like this. I'm sorry.
Disclaimer: Not actually sorry.
I saw this. I saw the name with poor capitalization, and I thought to myself, "This is the one." I started today with an open mind. Was I going to write a blog post? Maybe work on a story? Or was I going to review a FFVII crossover? When I saw the name, I had my moment of clarity.
lh4.googleusercontent.com/-mAXyqUGuhVc/VQxSZiqI67I/AAAAAAAAEe0/5U9l-zX_03M/w898-h50-no/imprisioned.PNG
That is what the plain text in the comment box looks like to me. I see a suspicious red line under one of those words. Like, holy shit, I would understand if for some silly reason a word processor wasn't to catch it, but right here in a comment, it's pointing out to me this misspelled word. How did you miss it?
Also, dat edge.
kidshealth.org/kid/talk/qa/headers_96055/pain.gif
That kid holding his asshole seems bizarrely fitting.
I'll tell you what. Every time you give me edge, I'll give edge in response.
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/9d/45/84/9d4584d50206554fabfd38bc76e0e999.jpg
It'll be Tom Clancy's Edgewar.
redorbit.com/media/uploads/2013/02/Pain_022713-617x416.jpg
You also managed to typo that word a second time. You even italicized it.
psychicdonut.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Miserable.bmp
images.sodahead.com/polls/003591051/4843836987_tumblr_md6r04awoM1rs4cudo1_500_xlarge.jpeg
I... heard something about these Displaced story things. Where you're cosplaying as someone, then you get teleported to Equestria as that person.
I remember trying to read one of these and not getting past the description; the fact that it was over 100k words was too daunting a task for me to read something I already hated. I don't even remember if I said anything about it.
Let's go check!
Looks like I read his (at the time a single chapter) sequel and left my thoughts over here: 5468991
There was no gauntlet thrown in this story's comments, but hey, why not, right? At least you'll have some actual feedback, instead of just, "Wow, another one of these," or, "Good chapter! more please!
"
i.ytimg.com/vi/1B09eIgzIjs/maxresdefault.jpg
I... I feel like... I've read this before...
Maybe I had a dream about this story.
There's so much deja vu going on right now that I'm convinced I'm in the Matrix.
I had to take a minute here to laugh. The fuck is this even.
Like, in what context are those two words together? Whatever came before these two words, those two together is just... WAT.
I think you meant "not supposed." If you had a boner for the word "don't" and required it, you'd need to turn it into an inquiry, like, "...don't suppose you're typically here this late?" It makes it sound like you caught the tail end of a question. The words "don't supposed" are never together, though. Never ever.
Apart from the description copy-paste that I'd already read and had no reason to read again, your first two words were a grammatical mistake. The first word of your first chapter's title was also misspelled.
img.pandawhale.com/78387-Dis-gon-b-gud-gif--This-is-gon-sWM8.gif
This is actually a very cool stylistic enunciation. I've never read this in a story, but it's a good way of pronouncing something differently. Granted, there are other ways to convey the same thing, but this is a good way to give the character depth through speech alone. Weird that I'd appreciate a tilde mid-word as much as I have here.
Grammar be damned, it's a good stylistic choice.
The fuck are you, Captain Kirk?
fc07.deviantart.net/fs28/i/2008/061/3/8/ComiStock___Kneeing_2_by_Stickfishies_Stock.jpg
Lapse?
images.wikia.com/mlp/images/archive/1/16/20120904135257!Spike_still_confused_by_%22brink%22_S1E01.png
This is so comical, you need a comedy tag. You even have an empty tag spot. Why don't you add a comedy tag and fulfill the 6-tag rule?
bodybuilding.com/fun/images/2012/razor-sharp-shoulders-&-abs.jpg
I should also mention that your spacing between paragraphs is shit. Sometimes it's got the space of separation, other times your paragraphs are just rammed together--like in this case.
philelmore.us/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/close-shaves.gif
WHERE IS THE COMEDY TAG
THIS NEEDS IT SO MUCH
img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140505231544/mlp/images/thumb/b/b3/Wonderbolts_cringing_at_Spike's_singing_S4E24.png/640px-Wonderbolts_cringing_at_Spike's_singing_S4E24.png
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130823122819/mlp/images/9/9b/Spike_confused_by_Twilight_S1E24.png
thenypost.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/grey.jpg
How does it hurt? Isn't this person stone?
I also don't know what would be ironic about this. Maybe I'm just missing it, but it doesn't seem ironic that a "crying" statue that leaks gems would be considered amiss in any way in such a strange and magical world. Sure, they're little gems that are good luck charms. I don't get the irony of a weeping statue's tears being used to bring couples closer together. I think it could be good symbolism, that love can be born from hurt. It sounds like teenage edginess to me--hence the Christian Grey picture above.
25.media.tumblr.com/033c32b927a44be52eac164cd1a09e88/tumblr_mv2k415ohl1rb77ido1_250.jpg
Damn it, where is the comedy tag!
28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lxv2ybQGgu1r4wsi8o1_500.jpg
I think a little bit of forced exposition that jerks us out of the story is entirely necessary, rather than revealing the story incrementally as a clever and competent author would do.
i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc149/karlaAKAsadgirl/emo.jpg
lookhuman.com/render/product/8558/8558202250384856/tote13in-w800h800z1-36331-busy-destroying-the-patriarchy.jpg
No LoHAV story I've ever read had this premise before!
N-not that I read LoHAV stories.
stream1.gifsoup.com/view1/1251321/original-sephiroth-fire-o.gif
quickmeme.com/img/d7/d7833736acbcf4c2bd6096d8152527a9d6becc7b3c98c34c65b1a5595d2784e6.jpg
You're talking about Sephiroth, right? Like, stab Aeris in the gut, burn down Cloud's whole town, destroy the whole world because of petty whims Sephiroth?
Lel.
Wasn't that Sephiroth from the beginning?
Yeah, I was so curious about this that I looked it up. You basically never see Sephiroth when he hasn't already gone crazy. There's not much of anything that you could do to correlate a "before he goes all crazy world destroying stuff" past hearsay.
I don't get why you didn't add a comedy tag to this. It's hilarious!
Why wouldn't you think about garbage?
Sounds like she got very drunk and slept with a guy she probably shouldn't have slept with.
It's odd that she recollects the Cloud cosplayer buying her the sword, and this guy is obviously her burgeoning love interest, but she's being a massive edgelord in Equestria despite her inability to recall anything past his purchasing the sword for her. Basically, she doesn't remember how much he meant to her, but she's still being whiny and angsty because he left her boo hoo.
You mean infallible? Unfailable isn't even a word.
lh3.googleusercontent.com/-PkfI1dbf95A/U5JSCAfcQtI/AAAAAAABOr8/PufOMhIThys/s650/CelestiaBestPrincess.png
humorinamerica.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/poe_reading.jpg
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120412013327/dragonball/images/a/a6/Burn_After_Reading_Punch_GIF_by_Teri928.gif
Looks like some LUS.
I couldn't necessarily fault the flashback scene--I'm actually somewhat enjoying it, in a certain sense of the word--up until this part.
Like, come on. Really.
media.giphy.com/media/SriJPYsPgvpNm/giphy.gif
Sheeit, is that all she regrets? Banishing things? Does she regret banishing Discord, too?
You switched tenses mid-sentence here. First time you made this mistake, I'm happy to say.
Ugh, your fucking prologue was shit. It's supposed to give you some semblance of understanding of what you're about to read. It sounds like whatever BS you stuck into the prologue has absolutely no relation whatsoever to what I'm reading, like I shouldn't have read that altogether and just allowed myself to wonder incessantly instead of thinking I had some semblance of what was going on and then get this shit. Who's Sephiroth's love and why has he not been mentioned except for maybe a Cloud cosplayer in the human world that she obviously saw as a sugar daddy and just used to get a big sword (if ya know what I mean)?
WHAT THE FUCK
ARE YOU GOING ON ABOUT
Sephiroth isn't dead, just like Discord wasn't dead. If Sephiroth is sealed into a statue--much less one with the unusual property of fucking crying--I'm pretty sure Celestia wouldn't be sitting there bawwing and booing about how shitty of a pony she is. She'd probably be looking into helping Sephiroth escape her prison.
Oh, if she's fucking dead, why don't we just end it now?
lolwut
Well, at least this is AU. It certainly doesn't seem to scream AU at me, at least not in the traditional sense. There's some stuff that just doesn't jive right, how it fits together, that just seems like lazy writing, lack of creativity... not deliberate use of an alternate Equestria.
I guess you've got till the end of this chapter to convince me otherwise.
Wow. Such profound. Much cry.
... Huh. I guess you didn't have long to convince me otherwise.
All right, let's wrap this up with a neat little bow.
This fic bathes in cringe. From the overwhelming edgelord that is female Sephiroth to the incessant "I put an innocent future genocidal maniac in jail for life" Celestia, there's just too much angsty teen and too little rational thought for this to make any sense.
The prologue in particular stuck out as teh suck. You gave us an angsty power fantasy from a pessimistic statue with a shitty outlook, then a random break of "I was cosplaying and got a cool sword and then I woke up here how dis happen guys."
Chapter 1 was primarily Celestia going, "I did the world a favor, let me bitch and moan about how shitty of a pony I am." The spheroid thing or whatever that was that she was listening to--that part was actually nice and bearable because you were writing from the perspective of a new blood being listened to by a remorseful ruler. It worked well enough with your writing style, but there was no emotion, only "look how sad she is, you see how sad she is guys."
Like, you need to focus on your prose here. The entire prologue was junk, it needs a massive overhaul because all I get out of it is angsty teen gargoyle followed by lel I'm a cosplayer that ended up in Equestria and none of this shit is pertinent.
Chapter 1's prose managed to completely forsake the angsty teen you'd been building up in the first half of the prologue, especially in the spheroid scene. The spheroid scene sounded like someone who felt things listening to a past memory that haunted them... then you fucked up all the prose by lathering up the rest of the chapter with "look at how badly I hurt this angsty teen, I overreacted and tried to kill myself because I was so mean to this angsty teen."
So, for the 3/4 of the story (that is, both halves of the prologue and the second half of chapter 1), you get a 3/10 for putting poorly written words on a page, and for the 1/4 of the story that I enjoyed, You get a 7/10 for being a competent writer and giving me something worth reading.
My suggestion: Don't write angsty teen drama. You can do far better than that, and the spheroid scene is proof of such a thing. You need to find what you can write, not what you want to write.
Oh yeah, and fuck LoHAV in general--or, I guess you called it Displaced. The general formula for it is angsty teen, so you're going to be wrong no matter what you write in most cases. I haven't found a single one that's well-written in any manner to date. Then again, I don't go out looking for LoHAV/Displaced stories... but I'm not willing to wade through crap to find gold. So far, you've had a ten out of ten chance of drawing the ticket of "disproportionately higher upvotes than downvotes with no justification of substance."
Okay, this just jumped up to 8/10
I HAVE to know how this goes now.
5761354
wow. Well I think you meant well and I thank you for taking the time to review my story to such an extend.
I'm actually sick of this excuse, but english is not my native language. And on top of that I'm a dyslexic.
The Prolog was supposed to show what became of the initially open hearted, kind of childish, woman.
And Celestia did never try to kill herself. She wanted to go into exile.
Sorry that I cannot write more at the moment, but the various reminders that I just suck at writing english in your review crushed my high spirit of actually getting a story into the populars.
I'm just... going to cry now.
5761436
You don't suck at writing English. The scene with the spheroid is indicative that you write English just fine. There were a few funny words, but they weren't poor writing.
It was the choice in subject matter that was substandard. Edgelords aren't indicative of your grasp of a language, they're a weakness of teenage writers (or writers who idolize teenage drama) and will always make the story weaker.
You're fine with your English, but you need to choose better things to write your stories about.
LoHAV/Displaced is not somewhere you want to be, as it causes a lot of polarized opinions. I am, obviously, biased against them, whereas there are many who are biased towards them. You'll get ceaseless praise or dismissive "oh, this is another one of those" comments, with very little in between.
If you're looking to improve your writing, you'll want to find new stories (romances/shipfics tend to get a lot of good feedback) to write about and expect a good amount of positive with a decent amount of negative. It's not nearly as polarized as this type of story, though.
5761460 your review did feel a tad harsh if well intentioned
Well, it could be worse for Sephy. She could of been forgotten in the Everfree forest and her tears could actually be a legitimate test of ponies willingness to be together. "You went into the evil forest that normally kills ponies just to retrieve a gem for me? Marry me!" That would be mind numbing annoying to watch after the tenth idiot showed up, and I can only imagine how many nobles would pay mercenaries to go out and do stupid stuff to get the statue to cry for them.
nice ^^.
A gender switched cosplay of Sephiroth.
And she hates Sunbutt XD
This screams of a great future for Equestria XD
Well, Tia got a little bit to cry baby like.
I don't like the sunbutt, but with such an Character i don't think she could ever overcame all the hardships and evil in the past.
And if she was crying like this all the time her weak personality should have her crawling in front of the statue to beg for forgiveness. She just don't look like a person that can stand not begging for mercy.
“Wh-what are you doing? Hey! Get off of me! What has- hmpf!”
What silenced her this time was revealed instantly as the last sound the crystal replayed was that of a kiss…
...and a slap.
....
Interesting! *grins evilly* Veeery interesting indeed.
Awesome! Update this again soon! I'd love to see where it goes!
6026596
Actually the next Chapter is already written. But it seems that my editor disappeared somehow
6029326 Oh? I see. If ya want, I can look at it for ya. Don't know too much about FF though.
5759733 you are rude.
5761354 this is areally long response
6055584 No quarter should be held for shit like this.
6055650 alright I'll concede defeat, IF you can give five reasons why this is bad besides it being a LoHAV story
6057507
That's cute, you think I care about your opinion.
6029326
2 Weeks later... need someone to hunt your editor down and drag them in?
6087516
Maybe. But if you all don't mind my, admittedly, bad english, then I could post the chapter uneditted.
Finally! Wish the chapter was longer though
And so the apocalypse begins
START THE ONE-WINGED ANGEL THEME!!
Mwahahahahaha!!
And finally we have a strong as hell and take no shit attitude Displaced! Finally!
A little over the top is some ways, but then again Sephiroth is an over the top villain. It's all monologues and that "You're so far beneath me I don't even need to acknowledge you before I kill you" kind of smugness before waiting for the perfect time to cause as much psychological damage as he can to the ones he does view as important.
It's an entertaining story, so I don't get why it has so many down votes.
been waiting for this...
Here you might fins some of these useful as links in further chapters.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPx3h5bwXVQ&index=1&list=PLE2A0E6ABD12E81DA
... You know, this is by far the best accidental summon I have seen yet. Valid reason for her first time and everything. Most just do it because the token says to, but not Sephy, no, she does it because she is mad and then annoyed on top of that. Actually, now that I think about it, Kat's token probably wound up in the bucket of crystal tears.
6385764
Thanks for the comment. Made my day.
But if Kat's Token really was with Sephiroth's tears then it is either in the possession of the merchant now or a random couple took it at some point.
I want to seize this opportunity to make something clear. There were a few comments that stated something about this story being of the LoHaV kind. The coming crossover (which stands at 16.000 word and counting) will show very clearly that this is not the case. Sephiroth will fall out of character and some of her past will be revealed.
I won't blame anyone who liked this story so far to remove their like over it if they deem it not worthy anymore. Just know that this crossover was planned for a long time and that I never intended this story being LoHaV.
6387938 ... Some one thinks this is a LOHAV? Wow, they have to be some type of special. Sephiroth is just angry at Celestia for events to be revealed. She just wants to make her feel what she felt, not necessarily kill her. Angry, powerful woman with probable trust issues does not a villian make. No, she would be a villainess if she enjoyed causing pain for the sake of pain. So far, she hasn't shown such an inclination. Hell, the new Okami Displaced is more of a villian.
Huh. That's got to be a complicated summoning. Mirror portal, to Equestria, to token in the multiverse. Anyway, seems Sephy forgot her age. Only three have a similar age, and they aren't exactly on speaking terms with her. Then again, she could fall for one of them, oh wait. Celestia fucked up hard with Sephy, plus trying to force her into a square hole like her precious ponies is just asking for at least one stabbing session, regardless of any thing else.
shits be crazy...
and so many displaced made Tia and Woona the bad guy...or just plain old xenophobic to da Xtreme.
Great story... I liked it.
........this crossover is really annoying
MUAHAHAHA! Another character has taken up residence in their creators mind! Now to work on the other seven million so I can have my head to myself. Seriously, take your characters and put them somewhere so I don't have to. I am fine holding on to the big and important to me ones, but they all decide to move in as I come across them, ranging from Rand al'Thor and friends (keeping Perrin, screw you), to Echo the Diamond Dog, to Blackjack, to Harry Potter, to the Big Guy, to Megaman, and so on... Please take your characters so I don't have to watch them make a mess in my head worse.
I wonder how Twilight would feel if (or when) she finds out what Celestia told Luna...
Wait. Does this mean that somewhere, somewhen Blank is still petrified in the Evil Forest? Because to the best of my knowledge only one supersoft was ever made... Poor Blank, you are still my favorite of the Tantalus Theater/Thief group...
Edit: poor Professor Iforgetyournamewiththereallyhugenose, I don't think Garnet will be able to save you if you are unable to make a new one.