Sleeping In

WorkingClassWriter #1 · Mar 14th, 2015 · 7 · ·

*sighs*

-How is Spike able to cast magic?

-What were you trying to depict by Spike and Big Mac being (ugh, how I hate this word) girly? Are you implying that they're gay? For political correctness' sake, I hope not.

-YOU DO NOT USE STUFF LIKE 'OMG' IN REGULAR DIALOGUE OP.

-If I found out the person who I was living with was a shape shifting bug I would be scared to hell

-

"Hey, next time, I should come over! Since you got Twi under control so well, then maybe I can share some of my Shandler brand eyeliner with you! I even havsies in pink."

Havsies is not a word

Havies is not a word.

HAVSIES IS NOT A WORD.

CrimsonEquine

CrimsonEquine #2 · Mar 14th, 2015 · · 17 ·

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5735677
You seem to be overreacting, my prescription is too take a chill pill.

OMG and Havsies was more a joke than anything else.

Also, the whole gay thing was a joke as well.

Plus, Spike using magic is as possible as any other creature using magic.

Like, Zecora and her potions, The Pegasi and their control over the weather, stuff like that.

WorkingClassWriter

WorkingClassWriter #3 · Mar 14th, 2015 · 2 · ·

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5735694 Are you implying that this work was supposed to be a parody? ...maybe you should have put it under the comedy tag? Just suggesting

CrimsonEquine

CrimsonEquine #4 · Mar 14th, 2015 · · ·

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5735700
Well, if it makes you feel better, theres the tag.

WorkingClassWriter

WorkingClassWriter #5 · Mar 14th, 2015 · 1 · ·

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5735712 That's better, then. Though, it was already established in canon that those species could do magic. We've never seen Spike due any magic before by his own, unless you count breathing fire. If Spike is doing magic at least give a good explanation of things.

CrimsonEquine

CrimsonEquine #6 · Mar 14th, 2015 · · ·

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5735721
eh, I was gonna leave it to interpretation.

Honestly, that wasn't the focus of the story and just wanted to add in the whole magic thing to be apart of the joke.

Iseeyou

Iseeyou #7 · Mar 14th, 2015 · · 10 ·

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Well I see your having a bit of trouble. I gave this a read and i'll say this... Not bad but could use some inprovement (typo?) P.S- don't feel bad, I'm bad at spelling. I'm giving the story a like since it made me laugh a bit

Utopianking

Utopianking #8 · Mar 14th, 2015 · 1 · ·

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I want to scream, but my family will hear, so deal with screaming ponies.

ShadowblazeCR

ShadowblazeCR #9 · Mar 14th, 2015 · 1 · ·

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This is a thing. That passed...somehow.

DeadEcho

DeadEcho #10 · Mar 14th, 2015 · 1 · ·

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Wow this was so bad it was funny.

Majin Syeekoh

Moderator

Majin Syeekoh #11 · Mar 14th, 2015 · 2 · 2 ·

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This is fucking amazing.

ChangelingLumin

ChangelingLumin #12 · Mar 14th, 2015 · · ·

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This was very painful to read.

Deadreaderz

Deadreaderz #13 · Mar 14th, 2015 · 5 · ·

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"Hello? Oh my gosh! Spikester, its so nice to hear from you!"
"OMG! Big Macky! I'm just trying this awesome new pink paint on my toesies! What are you doin?"
"Oh nothin, I'm just puttin on some blue lipstick from Horse & Shandlers! Its too die for and it matches so well with my eyes!"
"Holy shit girl, I'm like, how did you get that stick without ponies finding you out? Usually, like, I can't even go in there with how crowded it is."

Well, All I gots ta do, is just tell that its for my sister and they eat it up like some sweet caramel covered bon-bons, Yum!"
"No way! You have bon-bons too? Like, get over here and give me some!"
"Ahaha! No way, I'm not getting caught for that, get some of your own! OMG, I'm so bad!"
"You bad girl! I would love nothin more than getting some of those bons and be like, sucking them all night."

"Hey, hows Twi-Twi doin? She hasn't found out yet right?"
"Oh no Macky, I've got it all down, she won't even know what we've been up to all this time!"
"Ahahah! Were such bad girlies, no pony can get us on our swag!"
"Oh my gosh! So much Swagger, like LMAO."

Oh sweet Celestia, I couldn't even handle that, I would be like really ruined by everypony, It be a disaster, but we got this so no big!"
"Oh my gosh! So sassy, you could be the queen of sass, and don't forget that ass."
"Oh you think so? I've been like, working the fields so much, I've got such a toned butt that no stallion could not want, am I right?"
"You definitely got it going on, girl."
"Hey, next time, I should come over! Since you got Twi under control so well, then maybe I can share some of my Shandler brand eyeliner with you! I even havsies in pink."
"Omg! You would do that for me! Your the bestest friend ever!"
"You know we are BFF Girl, we are pretty inseparable."
"Hey like, you should see my toesies now! There so hot pink! I could sweep any boy away easily."
"Yea, yer claws must be hot as hell! I could get burnt by the hotness."
"I know right!"

Twilight unleashed her horn, magic swirled around her until a vortex of energy gave way to a more muscular form. Black carapace skin and bug like wings, as well as holes all over its body.
"Your, your a changeling!?

"Hey girl! What happened? You hanged up on me, so uncool."
"Oh my gosh girl, I just got such splenderifous news! Twi-Twi is a Changeling!"
"No way! Thats so cray-cra-

Whelp, I don't what to say, but it's hilariously bad!

Pirate Jesus

Pirate Jesus #14 · Mar 15th, 2015 · 2 · ·

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Oh my... This is... Something.

If I had to give one bit of constructive advice, I'd say work on making your story more about description and plot development. The vast majority of this is dialogue. Also, make the dialogue match the characters. The words the characters are saying should match the personality. Example: the only character that I could feasibly see saying "cray cray" is maybe Pinkie. Maybe.

DAMN HAMSTER

DAMN HAMSTER #15 · Mar 16th, 2015 · 2 · ·

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Trollfic. Have a thumbs down.

Beta Bookworm

Beta Bookworm #16 · Mar 17th, 2015 · · 1 ·

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I like this more than I should

Jordan179

Jordan179 #17 · Apr 7th, 2015 · · ·

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5738700

Example: the only character that I could feasibly see saying "cray cray" is maybe Pinkie. Maybe.

Possibly as a fourth-wall-breaking joke, as this isn't normally the English idiom into which Equestrian is normally-translated, and doesn't at all fit Pinkie's normal cultural background, whether as rock-farming little filly or baking and catering town-dwelling older filly to young mare.

Spike has a somewhat feminine side, though he's obviously heterosexual (given his crush on Rarity). Big Mac ... not so much. Really, you could illustrate Pony masculinity with a picture of him. Which I'm assuming was the joke in this tale.

DiscordFan