• Member Since 26th Nov, 2011
  • offline last seen 19 minutes ago

Rated Ponystar


"You think you know me..."


T

Nobody has seen the Sirens since the Battle of the Bands, and nearly everyone is fine with that. Months later, Sunset Shimmer feels her entire life is going better then it ever was since the Fall Formal. She has her best friends, the school no longer hates her, and it's summer vacation.

One night on her way back home from band practice, she finds the three powerless Sirens who are now homeless. Deciding to be a nice person, she takes them in, but the question becomes how long will they stay? And what will happen to them in the future?

Commissioned by: Dashhole

Edited by The Myth and DBZorDie and InsanityCorps

Chapters (8)
Comments ( 254 )

Apple Bloom and her friends. it made

it should be capitalized.

without it that protection goes. ]thought Sunset, feeling guilty

Eliminate the ]

Adagio spat out her soda onto Aria who turned to Sunset like he had grown three heads

No Rule 63 please.

That's all I found, nice work man!

“And tomorrow I’m making waffles!”

I can't resist:

Awesome so far. Can't wait to see where this goes.

said Pinkie Pie, the one one not tired looking.

only*

It had been a dark moment in their friendship when that incident caused by Apple Bloom and her friends.

This sentence is missing something.

However, Sunset was resident to do so.

resistant*

Sunset gulped at the death like state and was already starting to regret coming here.

Statement? Stare?

Even Aria seemed to avoid gazing at anyon, and focused on the floor instead.

anyone*

She never thought what they had done had nothing more then stop them from using magic.

This sentence is weird as well.

Adagio stared at it for a bit before she opened her mouth and took the spoonful in one gulped.

gulp*

Even if Adagio once tried to nearly doomed her school, it did feel good to do what she did.

once tried to doom*
or
once nearly doomed*

It was obvious that they cared for each other,, and they didn’t want to enslave the world, or take it over, like Sunset did.

Superfluous comma.

Read the first chapter and I like this story so far!

Can't wait to read more! :pinkiehappy:

This story is pretty awesome so far, keep up the good work

This is amazing! Next chapter, please!

I like how Adagio make conditions there, good job!

This is certainly interesting. I'm curious how it will unfold. Great start! :twilightsmile:

Amazing start waiting for more chapters:rainbowderp:

good start. i want to see how it goes.:twilightsmile:

I'm glad that all three of them moved in with sunset, it's a lot less common than only sonata, or aria, and even rarer adagio but it is a really great start keep up the good work:pinkiehappy:

great chapter :pinkiehappy:
so far this charming me much :raritywink:
I hope you can upload another chapter :twilightsmile:
please :raritystarry:

She had no parents to go back too...

Wrong "too". Should only be one 'o'.

Plus, it had been ages since she had used Equestrian magic like a unicorn...

Uh... first Equestria Girls, clearly seen walking and using magic near effortlessly.

I mean a doctor or a EMC...

Add a 't' on the end to make it "meant". Take out the "a", and it should be 'EMT', e.g Emergency Medical Technician. Dunno what you were going for with "EMC".

They ordered everything they could on their orders...

Don't overuse a word in a sentence, try "They got everything they could on their pizza's" instead.

“You three are welcomed to stay until she gets better.”

That's 'welcome'.

Maybe they can be made good?

The word you're looking for would be 'redeemed'.

...even when sad or bad topics wet brought up.

That would be 'were'.

Maybe not as bad as your girls have it...

Supposed to be 'you', not "your".

I love that this adresses Sunset's plans and future after the school, and reason to even stay in the human world. It is always highly surreal for me when this is not adressed, as if the entire human world is the high school and Sunset got brainwashed into needing to attend when she arrived or something like that.

But I think maybe you went a bit too far in making the sirens suddenly super sympathetic and nice. It's not harming the story, but it's a bit of a pet peeve of mine when someone takes a villain (usually it's Chrysalis though) and makes them much less evil than they were portrayed as, explaining their actions in canon as some sort of act of desperation or another excuse. Usually because in the villain's canon appearance we get a good enough look at their personality to be able to tell that they aren't in such a situation and are in fact evil to a certain degree.

Anyway, as I said, this isn't harming the story at all, because on it's own it certainly works, and it would be unfair of me to judge this direction based on how much I personally encounter similar things in other fanfics.

Watching Lingo, ey? Never knew equestria girls took place in the Netherlands... :rainbowlaugh:

5782790
It used to be an American TV game show

Wow, this was great so far, can't wait to see the next chapter.
5736102
I still question how I didn't get the reference, but still it's a dang good reference :pinkiehappy:

Ri2

Hahaha. Those poor fools. They didn't realize that NOBODY messes with someone under the protection of the Phoenix Queen of Canterlot High.

While the other girls were voicing their agreement on the idea, Sunset calmly took her cash before reaching for a broom that was left over by the janitor...

Huh....I wished you wrote the part where Sunset beat the crap out of Gilda and the others

Fist of the North Star sonata version was genius , loved this chapter and glad sunset got to teach those girls a lesson ( nice job including starlight glimmer now that she has been introduced in the show)

After placing a hat on Sonata's head, she said, “Come on, Sunny. It’ll be fun!”

Should be 'her'.

Sonata chuckled upon seeing Sonata’s pleading eyes and nodded. “Okay. One pizza.”

Wrong name.

They have nobody. Not in this world. Not in Equestria. It’s just the three of them by themselves. To spend over a millennia banished from home, trapped in a world completely alien to your own, and forced to feed on those people just to survive? It must have been hard. Still doesn’t excuse them for what they did.

What do you mean it doesn't excuse them for what they did if you were in their shoes, if you're dad said he wished he never had you. You'd be says something different I guarantee it.

There was a lot of telling not showing going on in this chapter. It just glossed over all the events that would've made for excellent character development in the span of a few paragraphs. That was my biggest problem with the chapter. I understand wanting to move the story along, but those events would have been perfect to write some chapters about to show how the Sirens and Sunset's friends started to like each other.

i would liked to see some things more worked. Like the fact that they know the applejack´s grandfather that would be an awesome chapter. but you are too focused in sunset and ignore the other mane 6 and that´s a lot of wasted material for more chapters.
REMEMBER "SHOW MORE AND TELL LESS" the same develoment that you are doing with sunset shimmer/ dazzlings you should do it with the mane six with the dazzlings and sunset
but is a pretty good chapter:twilightsmile: i am loving this fanfic, the things that you are doing are excellent. You really know what you´re doing

dont dissapoint me :twilightsmile:

5854420
I was commissioned to do a five chapter story. Meaning I have to do an intro, a chapter for each siren, and the ending. I had to make with what I had.

that good chapter :pinkiehappy:
I hope the next chapter soon :twilightsmile:

5851346
5854420
Pretty much this, exactly. This is probably the last time that I try to read one of your commissioned stories. It's easy to tell when a story of yours is commissioned, because the quality of writing is that much lower.

5857355 And the fact the description mentions the word commissioned doesn't clue you in?

5859275
Excuse me?

This is probably the last time that I try to read one of your commissioned stories.

See, I already knew it was commissioned. I was simply pointing out that the commissioned stories are consistently of a much, much lower quality than the non-commissioned stuff, to the point that one could easily identify the commissioned stories, even without the "commissioned-by" tag in the description.

5863923 You're consistently of a much, much lower quality!

5863986
Hey! None of that. If she doesn't want to read it she doesn't read it. She has a right to her own opinion.

5864245
Thank you. :twilightsmile:

Sorry if I came across as disagreeable.

aww so cute! Please continue:pinkiehappy::heart:!

5850909
I had to go back and check that- you're so right XD Oh my god those mistakes doe

THE PICTURE MADE ME READ THIS, BUT THIS CUTENESS IS MAKING ME STAY!

SONATA!

I cannot wait to hear more of this story!!! XD

NEED NEXT CHAPTER!!!:flutterrage:

I thought this was cute. I don't have an objective verdict, so I hope this suffices. Hope you don't mind, but I just love giving my honest opinion, be it praise :heart: or disgust :pinkiesick:

Jeez, if that shit happened to me I be just as mad as aria, this chapter was full of feels man, and I loved it, it was freaking amazing the way sunset found this old movie, which I could totally see becoming popular because of the backstory, but the clincher for me was the message at the end of the movie where she thanked aria for all of her support, that just made me die inside(in a good way), this chapter was so worth the wait, keep up the good work

Looking at the cover....:applejackunsure:
Reading the story.....:pinkiesad2:
It's official Sunset Shimmer is an erogame protagonist.:trollestia:

THE COVER IS A LIE!

All aboard the "yes" train. :pinkiecrazy::rainbowkiss:

Adagio:

The two had met when Aria was a lounge singer at a bar.

Aria:

I went out to explore the city but I ended up getting lost along the way. Gazing found me asking for directions and said she would help me get back home.

... Uwha? Am I missing something? :rainbowhuh:

5939177
Crap, thought I fixed that. Sorry, it's the latter

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