• Member Since 6th Jan, 2014
  • offline last seen Dec 1st, 2020

Mr Zelda C Brony


Sheltered until this GRAND Discovery! Now I attempt to blend my interests and practice Writing! Feel free to pelt me in food I'm on a low budget anyways!

T
Source

So, I cosplay at a con, and I buy some souvenirs. All pretty normal right? Not! Instead of having an awesome time I end up in Equestria with no idea what i'm doing. Makes me really want to go and demand a refund, too bad the world doesn't work like that!

So! Join me as I deal with being a displaced, defeating evil, playing pranks, and failing at life! Who knew that getting cool powers could come with so many problems.. should have been Spiderman then I could use his line without sounding cliche.

~So my second story EVER, this is of course a Displaced Story. Also the cover image is the gauntlet... if anyone reading this has artistic talent a better pic would be incredibly welcome. Current cover art is done by zeldawolffang but if I get others I may rotate them or put them to a vote to determine the best one for the story! So don't be afraid to send me any that you make!~

~Special Thanks to StarChaser01 He has been a MAJOR help with this story so if you like it pop on over and give him a THANK YOU!~

~Also a major thanks to all who commented on my thread seeking help on the Displaced group!~

P.S Hey Archive! Does this look any better?

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 55 )

I totally love it XD

Damn... Scootalo is evil! Ma God!


P.S. Oh Celestia is going to BURN! I can't wait for next chapter :P I am putting my money on 'I eat Celestia is cake and she turned me to stone' XD

Good sir, i think you overdid it a slight bit with the capslock. It get's slightly annoying to have a capslock broken character. Otherwise I am interested in the story and shall look out for updates.
PS: it might be because I imagine all capslock to be shouting, making me shout slightly while reading it.

wow... OMG! I just submitted this story today and it already has TONS of Favorites and 2 comments? I must be dreaming! This is only my second story my first one definitely wasn't this popular!! Thank You! Thank You ALL!

5965373 kinda was aiming for shouting...

5965325 LOL! Great idea!

:moustache:

Boom. Wow. Ok. Yeah. This is different. I LOVE IT!


*Takes out clipboard*

Is it too much to ask if we, when it's right for both of us, can do a crossover?

5965944 :twilightsmile: not at all! I'm all caught up on your story so you just tell me if you wanna be part of his past, the present or both? Possible Love interest? BFF's, partners in crime? Just PM me! I'm working on the next chapter but it's barely in development!!
Also Thx for Faving it!!

Also anyone else who wants to crossover Displaced fics just comment about it or PM me!

:moustache:

5965977 I'll PM you with more info once I can get a chance.

*twitches from the spelling, but gives a tentacle up to the golden chicken.*

5965988 Sorry... I posted this un-edited since I couldn't get an editor on such short notice! Plus I promised to have it out this last weekend but I failed to submit it after publishing the chapter :twilightblush:

:moustache:

FINALLY A LINK DISPLACED YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

i.imgur.com/5hYZGUv.png?1


How dose this look? i tried to make it look similar to yours you can try it if you want till some thing better comes along ^_^

Hey tia what were was link the past melenium?uh....oh it was nothing i just got stoned. ... ... ...suprise?

5966854 O.o ... I LOVE IT! Will totally use it Thx!

:moustache:

I saw the story image and immediately thought "I love the Power Glove, it's so bad."

I'm sorry, but couldn't you have at least made sure the description was proofread? It's bad enough that I've seen so many poor displaced stories that I've reached the point of becoming instantly wary the moment I see a new one.

Probably the most important parts of a story are the title and the description. Why? Well, those two are the first things potential readers are going to see, so you want to make absolutely sure that they are good enough to get the reader interested in the story. The best way to do this is to have an interesting and attention-grabbing title, along with a well written description. Otherwise, how do you expect to get anyone even slightly interested in reading your story?

Allow me to use myself as an example. Ignoring the vast amount of other Displaced stories which were usually pretty bad, let's focus on the title and description of this story. Being a potential reader, the first thing I see is the title. The title for this story works; it's nothing great, but it was enough to make me curious. Clicking the name, the next thing I notice is the image next to the description. This is really the first issue; it's fitting, I suppose, but the yellow surrounding everything makes it look like a quick and messy edit done in Microsoft Paint.

In fact... *five second Google search* that's exactly what it is. While there's nothing wrong with editing a picture to use, you want to make sure it's neat. Honestly, why didn't you just use white? Looking at the actual picture I can see the entire background was white, so it really would have made things easier for you.

Anyway, the final thing I look at is the description. Massive overuse of ellipses, randomly capitalized words, random words in all-caps, and various other grammar issues. I also see where you mention editing the picture, but my point still stands that if you were going to edit it, you could have tried making it look a little neater (again, using white instead of yellow would have been better since it wouldn't contrast so much with the rest of the image). All in all, the description definitely needs some work.

Now, with all of that said, can you see what I mean when I say that the title and description are incredibly important? After seeing the numerous grammar errors in the description alone, why in the world would a potential reader be convinced to read on? Common sense would indicate that, if such issues are present in something as short as the description, then that surely doesn't say good things about what the actual story will look like. Again, that could be wrong. You could have the greatest displaced story ever written (not saying much, but you get the picture), but no one would know because they would be turned away by the poorly written description.

Edit:

Just to be fair to the story, I decided to look at the first chapter.

Yeah, I see my initial impression with the description was entirely accurate. Ignoring the nonsensical cliches present in all of these displaced stories ("Oh look! I'm a statue and I'm SO BOOOOORRRREEDDDDD [see, it's funny 'cause I made it RELALLLLY long and ALL CAPS TO SHOW HOW BORED I AM] because Celestia Sunbutt turned me into a statue because no displaced story is able to actually portray her or the other characters in a way that isn't massively OOC!"), the entire chapter was filled to the brim with grammar issues. I'm sorry but I honestly had to stop within a couple of paragraphs.

5967170 though could you possibly make the center of the triforce blue? It kinda is part of the story. if not it a fine!

:moustache:

5967227 Thx... I guess.. you know I did do that myself...

:moustache:

5967348 hmm.. thank you for that. You are indeed right about pretty much everything. The beginning is kind of cliched but I had no real idea how else to do it.. the descriptions do need work. I posted this chapter Un-Edited cause I promised to get it out by this time. I plan to get it edited and reposted.

Using your suggestions I will do my best to fix the issues with the description as best I can.

Thank you again for this massive amount of feedback.. seriously this is the largest amount of feedback I have ever gotten. Hopefully I can fix it enough to where you can also enjoy the story because I do make it original afterwards.

:moustache:

5967348 oh and (slight spoiler) celestia had a really good and in character reason for popping him into stone.. (end spoiler)

And I know I need to fix the picture and I just got a new one from zeldawolffang which I plan to use so it will look better. Also I chose yellow because I was thinking about Triforce when I made it.

:moustache:

5967443

I'm glad my comment was able to help. However, one thing you said concerned me a bit:

I posted this chapter Un-Edited cause I promised to get it out by this time.

This is your story, and that means you should never feel like you have to immediately post a new chapter even though you don't feel like it's ready. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking an extra day or two after finishing a chapter to go over it several times looking for errors. My advice would be to look to several of the proofreader groups on this site (just type proofreader into the search bar) and ask someone if they'd be willing to act as a proofreader. Or heck, ask if more than one person would be willing to look your story over. That way you have multiple sets of eyes looking over your story to catch things you might have missed, and they can also help you by tossing out potential ideas.

If you don't want to ask for help with proofreading for whatever reason, then here are some tips for you. First, try reading the chapter out loud. Why? Well, the way your mind works makes it hard to check for things like grammar errors when reading silently, because your mind will often automatically correct mistakes as you read silently, meaning you never realize there was an error there. Reading out loud makes it nearly impossible for your mind to autocorrect, as you hear the mistakes as you say them out loud. It actually makes a lot of sense considering most mistakes would disrupt you when reading out loud, making them easier to spot. A second tip would be to wait a day or so before looking for errors. It's hard enough to look over your own work for errors, and it's even harder to do immediately after finishing it. When you finish a chapter, don't post it. Take a bit of a break, then sit down with a fresh mind and then do a check.

Most importantly, don't let others dictate when the chapter is released. Did you make a release schedule or something? Like, you left a comment or something else where you said, "Next chapter in five days!" If that is the reason, then just realize that such schedules are not set in stone. Any game developer or any content creator will tell you that giving set deadlines is a bad thing to do, because it puts completely unnecessary pressure on the maker.

In fact, to give you a bit of encouragement, I'll see if I can't do a quick run through this first chapter and point out mistakes and possible ideas and tips. I'm not sure how much free time I'll have tomorrow, but I'll see what I can do. :twilightsmile:

5967552 wow thx, and that kinda is what I did. I just skimmed through it myself and discovered that I left little note for myself and my editors that were not meant to go into the actual story.. to which I promptly facepalmed.

:moustache:

Luna' s going to be pissed at Celestia. Favorite

5967562

I thought that was the case. Usually when I see someone rush something out (game, mod, story, whatever) it tends to be from having set themselves a deadline, usually not giving themselves enough time and leaving them feeling pressured to get it out on time.

Anyway, like I said I'll see if I can find some time tomorrow to look through the first chapter and see what I can do.

Why was he imprisoned in stone if he was a hero?

5973293 I could tell you but...
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ll7k6j3gU71qfp25u.gif
If you really want to have a spoiler on your concience then PM me or else just wait and it will all make sense!
Also free Internet cookie to whoever gets the reference from the gif!

:moustache:

Can't wait to read what happens next.

6267460 comment... *SIREN NOISES* COMMENT SIGHTED!
Glad you enjoy it!

:moustache:

I will have to say that I feel like Luna is overreacting, but I can't judge on that since in my story she does as well but for a reason that will come in later chapters and I hope that is the case here.

Now that is not the only problem I am seeing with this story.

First off I'd like to address that the voices in link's head were never explained enough as to how many there are and what they represent, like for example if I were to make voices in one of my characters head I would explain what they were like this.

I wouldn't suggest going there it seems highly unlikely that you will ever return. one of the two voices in my head explained.

Who cares, it looks fun! jump! Jump! jump! the ever so crazy second voice replied.

I had decided some time ago to name them after what they seemed to represent, logic, and crazy.

"ah heck with it I'm going in!" I proclaimed as I readied to jump.

Well if you are going to jump at least examine the hole before you do Logic commented.

EEEH! out of time let's jump! Crazy commanded.

I happily obliged.

I hate both of you so much, Logic said as we jumped down

I know that is not the best way to do it but at least explain to us what the voices are.

Second is that most of the characters seem out of character, like I would imagine Luna wouldn't cry so spontaneously over something like link being in prison, saddened maybe but not cry.

lastly I would like to say, Herobrine? really? and even in the short time hes there he doesn't seem to have a solid character either, first you try to make him creepy then you make him intimidating and cocky then out of nowhere he goes Discord esk playful with that

but for now I must make my leave... Ta, Ta!

And I fear these problems, if not fixed will discourage new readers from liking your story.

anyways I wish you good day and a prosperous life.

Derpy Engineer HD

6343169 hmm.. you make a really good point about the voices! Which i will look into and try to make plans to name them and settle on a specific number! As for Herobrine he is not mine! That belongs to another person he was just a crossover! and he will be appearing again at a later date! nothing of the Herobrine encounter was mine except for Link's perspective and words! as well as his actions!

But please feel free to comment more again!

:moustache:

6343683 huh... herobrine displaced, yeah... not going to check that one out though.

Like i said, don't like how he portrayed himself.

6343169 Hi, late time to respond. Just want to let you know that I took your Crazy and Logic ideas into account! They have been integrated with the newer chapters!

:moustache::facehoof:

7695394 Hey man, how are things? It's been a long time, hasn't it? It's your ol' pal, BlueMoon865.

Damn. Great to have ya back dude. And great chapter. I can't wait to read more soon.

Hey dude I'm letting you know you can make Chocolates name in the author's note link to his profile by doing this [url=https://www.fimfiction.net/user/322130/ChocolateChip]ChocolateChip[/url]

Huh, so I'm not the first person to do a Link displaced afterall.

8703109 Amazing to see you join the fray once more. A little advice for you. You used exclamation marks too much, and there are still other grammatical errors. I'd recommend having your editor do a second look. As a side note, I can't wait to continue with our agreement. Until later, my dear friend.

Login or register to comment