Applejack and Rainbow Dash
By the time Conrad managed to get to his feet, the stampede had carried him well outside of the town.
"Well, shoot!" Applejack said. "If that don't beat all! That's got to be the third craziest thing I've seen today!"
"This is not a boring town," Conrad said, slightly winded.
Applejack laughed. "'course it ain't, pardner! There's always something crazy or dangerous coming out of the woodwork, but don't you worry. The Elements of Harmony are here to keep you safe."
Conrad exhaled sharply. "Of course there is," he said frustratedly. "I just managed to escape from the dungeon, and the first thing that happens is I land right in the middle of dangerous scary central."
Applejack looked at Conrad sharply. "Did you say you escaped from a dungeon?"
"Well, not 'escaped' so much as 'was let go,'" he explained. "I was legally released for reasons I still don't understand."
Applejack narrowed her eyes and looked hard at Conrad. "I'm the Element of Honesty, so that means I can always tell when some pony is telling a fib. And my instincts are telling me that you're a filthy, no-good liar!"
Conrad reared backwards. "No!"
"Yes! You're a dangerous criminal, and you escaped from the Appleoosa prison! You're here to steal all of our silverware and buck all our apples!"
Conrad made a face. "That is disgusting!"
"No, buck. It means I hit a tree so hard that all the apples fall out of it."
"Wow, really? That sounds awesome! Could you show me how you do that?"
Applejack swelled with pride. "Well, applebuck season isn't due for another few months, but I suppose it couldn't hurt to show you how it's done. But once I'm done showing you this," her voice took on a dark and ominous tone, "I'm taking care of business."
"Wow, you're a farmer and an accountant?"
"No, I meant..." again her voice became ominous, "I'm taking care of you."
"You're a nurse?"
"No! I meant-... oh, consarn it. Just stand there and watch what I do."
Applejack grabbed some buckets and placed them underneath the nearest apple tree, lining them up according to guides that only she could see. Then she spun around and delivered a mighty blow to the tree. Apples fell from the tree in clumps, each one landing in one of the buckets she set up. Not a single apple landed on the ground.
"Wow!" Conrad yelled with childish glee. "That was amazing!"
Applejack swelled with pride. "Don't I know it! There are some families that try using fancy-shmancy contraptions to do twice the work in half the time, but we here at Sweet Apple Acres do everything by hoof!"
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why do everything by hoof if the contraptions can do twice the work in half the time?"
"Well... traditions, and values, and..." Applejack stuttered.
"And wouldn't that give you more free time to spend on your hobbies or playing with your friends or even taking a vacation? Hell, if you used the contraptions AND hired seasonal workers, you could probably cut your overhead to a fraction of what you're currently spending."
"Look, we ain't never had no truck with no... no... contraptionology! And we never will!"
Applejack thumped the tree behind her with her back hoof to emphasize the point. There was a loud "SNAP!" above her. Applejack looked up in time to see a large branch falling towards her face.
"Oh, buck me," she said.
The branch collided with Applejack's head, knocking her to the ground. Conrad rushed over to check her body.
"Apple pony, are you okay?"
Applejack said, "No cheddar for me, I'll have the green one." Her head lolled forward and she lost consciousness.
Conrad picked Applejack up and carried her in the direction he assumed the town was in.
The sun was hot and Applejack was heavy. Due to the sweat and the heavy load he was carrying, Conrad felt very uncomfortable. He took off his shirt and tied it around his waist, then took off his mask and tied it around his wrist. It helped a bit.
A rainbow blur cut through the sky above him. Then another rainbow blur knocked him to the ground, resolving itself into a light blue pony with rainbow-colored hair.
"Monster! You killed Applejack, and now you're going to eat her!"
"Why does everybody think I'm going to eat ponies? I don't eat ponies! Chickens, fish, and the occasional cow, but never ponies!"
Rainbow Dash cried, "You sick bastard!"
-------------------------------------------
Elsewhere, the cow Clara Bell sat at home in an armchair, reading the newspaper.
"Could you pass me the sports section when you're done with it?" her husband Prime Rib asked.
"In a minute, dear. I'm just about done reading this article about the animals in Equestria. It says here that chickens, fish, and of course us cows are all intelligent, and for any pony to cook and eat one would be the most horrendous crime possible."
"Good article?"
"I'd say it's well-done."
------------------------------------------
"Besides," Conrad protested, "apple pony is fine!"
"She doesn't look fine!"
"No, no, she's just... um... resting! She was showing me how she bucks apples-"
"That's disgusting!"
"No, bucks apples. Then she got all tired out from kicking the trees, and decided to take a nap, so I'm carrying her back to town so that she can get some medical attention- er, I mean so she can rest."
"So she can rest," Rainbow Dash said skeptically.
"Yes."
"Even though her house is the other direction."
"Um......"
"I don't know who or what you are, but I'm gonna pound your face in for whatever it is you've done to Applejack!"
"No, no, she's fine! See?"
Conrad got behind Applejack and lifted her upper body into the air by her front hooves.
"Everything's just fine!" he said in a falsetto voice, swinging Applejack's hooves around with his hands. "No need to worry! I was just showing this nice young man how I buck apples, and I got over-excited and fainted from the exertion! I'm all right now, though, really!"
Rainbow Dash stared at Conrad deadpan.
"Aaaand you're not buying it, are you?" Conrad asked.
"Nope."
"Nuts."
"Funny you should mention that. You're a guy, right?"
"Yeah, but I don't see what that has to do with-"
Rainbow Dash bolted forward and performed an uppercut to Conrad's crotch, hitting him so hard that he briefly left the ground.
"OH GOD MY TESTICLES!"
---------------------------------------------------
Elsewhere:
Brave Heart sat alone in the jail cell, muttering to himself.
"Stupid Conrad. Stupid Celestia. Teleport him out of here, don't even think to check she's got the right prisoner. Teleport him-"
Brave Heart looked up at his own horn. Then he facehooved.
"I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner."
It wasn't Brave Heart's specialty, but he could cast the teleportation spell, if just barely. Brave Heart had just enough magical power for a single short-range teleportation spell. It would drain his reserves, but it would take him outside the cell. From there he could talk to the guards on duty and get the whole situation straightened out.
Brave Heart cast the spell, landing just in front of the two guards standing in front of the thick metal cell door cover.
"At ease, soldiers," he said.
Both guards stared at him in shock and horror. One of them shrieked and passed out. The other guard yelled, "THE PRISONER HAS ESCAPED! CODE RED! I REPEAT, CODE RED!"
Brave Heart stared at the guard in confusion. "What are you-"
Twenty guards appeared at the end of the hallway and charged Brave Heart. He panicked and bolted the other direction.
"After him!" a pony yelled. "He must not escape!"
Brave Heart ran and ran and ran, making his way through poorly-remembered corridors and keeping as far away from the soldiers as he could. At one point he stopped in a dimly-lit cubby-hole to catch his breath. He lifted a hoof to wipe away his sweat, only to realize that he couldn't because he was still wearing that stupid mask of Conrad's.
Ohhhhhhhhhh... Brave Heart thought, comprehension finally dawning upon him.
Brave Heart swore.
--- Non-Canon Extra (AKA "Omake") ---
There was a loud "SNAP!" overhead, and a large branch fell off the tree, clobbering Applejack.
Conrad rushed over to her. "AJ are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay, AJ?"
Applejack looked at Conrad and sang, "You've been hit by - you've been struck by - a smooth criminal."
Conrad and Applejack moonwalked away.
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Dat end.
~God bless America
This chapter was silly. Keep up the good nonsense.
That line perfectly sums up how fucking stupid the whole magical lie detector thing of Applejack's is in fanon.
Of crap, he's getting smarter! RUN, EVERYPONY RUN! THE CHAOTIC MONSTER THAT EATS CHICKENS, FISH, AND THE OCCASIONAL COW, BUT NOT PONIES, IS GETTING EVEN MORE DANGEROUS! EVERYPONY FOR YOURSELVES!
That branch wouldn't knock out a foal. Ponies are more durable thanks to magic.
Waiting for rainbow to accuse Conrad of being a spy.
MEDIC!!!!!
I just can't get enough of this story's cover art...
First Apple quest. Second Apple Poke.
Strike one.
Strike two.
STRIKE THREE, WOW!
25.media.tumblr.com/97d85309af13f359cdd2c85db30de90c/tumblr_ml5u7rfHkn1snmkq6o1_500.gif
5751845 I can't find it now, but there was one where trying to deceive her caused you to get sick. Like, trying to lie to her face made you nauseous. Not so much lie detection, as lie deterrent. The rest we'd seen of the main six had similar stuff, but AJ was the first example of it in action. Wish I could remember more.
The stupidity continues! And it even escalated. Good job.
Also that very last bit
Mmm.... I'd say it's medium-rare, at best.
Feels like the joke is wearing a bit thin by this point, but that Contraptionology reference was a thing of evil genius.
I laughed at that a far bit harder than I should have.
Oh my. I feel bad for Conrad. It's not his fault that ponies are dumb.... dumber.
THAT WAS AWESOME!!!!
I understood that reference
Add a polite spy scene!
...
MEDIC!
5752811
Shhhhhh. We ain't supposed ta tip the author on us gettin' his references. ;D
So marshmallow ponies can hurt him.
My sides!
This is quickly turning from a parody of the two stories from the title to more of a parody of general HiE's.
Oh god why is this so funny? X'D
Hehehehee, TOO MUCH! xD
5752811
5752905
Actually, I'd rather hope that you do. It's always nice when somebody gets the little references I put into my work, and on the flipside it's always a little disappointing when I make a joke or reference that nobody says anything about.
Wundaball
5753316
Only his feelings.
And also his everything else.
The incidence of this literary occurrence has triggered a memory of recognition regarding an identical reference deliberately introduced therein upon the setting of this current incident.
(I c wut u dun thar)
But really... contraptions are dangerous in Ponyville... EVERYTHING becomes dangerous in Ponyville.
ROFLMAO!!!
This is glorious...
And Discord.... just sits back and watches the show.
"Sheesh, I don't even have anything to add! They're creating astounding amounts of chaos by themselves!" he grumped and slurped an artichoke and squid smoothie.
*slow clap* Inspirational.
I feel like they would have used this version:
Those infernal machines?
Thumbs up for Rose.
Thumbs down for crotch shot.
I remain neutral.
...
Cows, clearly. Chicken? I'd buy that. Fish? Get outta town.
So butter pony is a serial killer?
5979468
I believe it
You've been hit by, you've been struck by
Truck
Mann co. Spy Mask, for your disguising needs
9396076
Hey, hey, heyyy......
static.wikia.nocookie.net/hotdiggedydemon/images/2/29/Fluttershy.png/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/250?cb=20150221125716