The Revelation Is At Hand
Twilight and her friends arrived at the Crystal Empire safely. Tour guides were found to show the rest of the ponies around while Shining Armor and Princess Cadence took Twilight aside to spend some family time together.
After an hour of small talk and catching up on family news, Shining Armor and Princess Cadence shared a look.
Princess Cadence sighed. "I think it's time," she said.
"Do we have to?" Shining asked.
"She's old enough to know," Cadence replied.
Shining Armor sighed. "You're right, dear. I was just hoping..."
"It never gets any easier. Trust me, I know."
Twilight looked between the two ponies, confused by the conversation. "What are you guys talking about?" she asked.
Shining Armor sighed. "Twilight, we have something to tell you. Before we do, I just want you to know that no matter what happens or what you decide to do, we both love you very much and we always will."
Twilight smiled. "I know that, B. B. B. F. F. And I feel the same way about both of you."
"Well, just be aware that it will be something of a shock," Princess Cadence said.
"Is it about the birds and the bees?" Twilight asked. "Because I think I've almost figured out how they're having sex with each other."
"No, Twilight," Princess Cadence replied, "although remind me to have words with whoever was in charge of your sex education."
Twilight said, "Well, no matter what it is, I can handle it. Both of you have always been there for me and I love you, and that will never change."
Princess Cadence took off her mask, revealing an insectoid form.
"AHHHHHHH!" Twilight yelled. "Changeling! Kill it with fire!"
"No, Twilight, calm down!" yelled Shining Armor. "It's okay!"
"She's brainwashed you!" Twilight yelled. "That must be it!"
"Well, yes," Shining Armor said awkwardly, "but it was consensual every time."
"Huh?"
"Never mind, I'll explain that when you're older. The point is... this is my wife," he said affectionately. "Her name is Queen Chrysalis and she's a good creature. She's an important part of my life, and I hope she becomes an important part of yours."
"If Queen Chrysalis is here," Twilight hesitantly asked, "where's the real Cadence?"
--------------------------------
Twilight, Shining Armor, and Queen Chrysalis stood outside a prison cell within the castle. Lying on the floor of the cell was a familiar pink alicorn. Her hair was grimy and matted, and she could be smelled from outside the cell. Queen Chrysalis wrinkled her nose in disgust.
"We try to keep things as humane as we can," Chrysalis said, "but for some reason she refuses to take baths or showers. We're not sure why. Well, at least she's stopped throwing more... unpleasant things.
Cadence raised her head as they approached. "Well, if it isn't little Twilight Sparkle?" she asked with a mocking voice. "Or should I say, Twilight FAILURE! You may think you're all that, but I know the pony you really are! Did you tell them about the time you wet your pants in first grade? Or the crush you had on Art Decal, the colt who ate paste? Hey, Twilight! Remember the time you got lost in the woods for three whole days? I didn't even look for you! You know what? You just weren't important enough!
Cadence cackled madly. Shining Armor's face twisted with rage. His horn glowed and Cadence was suddenly enclosed in a pink soundproof bubble.
Twilight's eyes filled with unshed tears. Shining Armor ushered Twilight away from Cadence's jail cell, Chrysalis following closely behind.
"She was a monster," Chrysalis said to Twilight softly. "You were just a filly and you didn't deserve that sort of treatment from any pony."
Twilight started crying softly. "I just thought," she said between sobs, "that if I tried my best, if I was the smartest, best pony in class, then she'd finally... she'd finally..." Twilight lost her composure and started bawling. Shining Armor wrapped his front legs around her and held her close. Eventually she calmed down.
"What's she here for?" Twilight finally asked.
Shining Armor and Chrysalis shared a glance. "Technically," Chrysalis said, "impersonating a member of the royal kingdom. The official story is that she is the changeling behind the attack on our wedding."
"And you're just going to leave her there, in prison, for something she didn't do?" Twilight asked.
"She's done so many horrible things, but she's clever enough that we can't prove any of them." Chrysalis explained. "Will that be a problem for you?"
Twilight stared at Princess Cadence, who was ranting and pounding at the inside of Shining Armor's shield spell.
"In any other situation it would be," Twilight said dully, "but for the life of me I can't think of why I should care."
"Come on," Chrysalis said. "It's been a rough day for all of us, and I think we could use some ice cream therapy."
"With butterscotch ripples?" Twilight asked hopefully.
"Your favorite," Chrysalis replied with a wink. Twilight smiled. The three of them left the prison.
After a few minutes Shining Armor's shield spell popped and Cadence was unceremoniously dumped to the ground.
"Get back here!" she yelled to the long-since departed ponies. "I'm not done with you yet!"
There was no pony there. All that remained was silence.
"I'll throw poop at the walls again! I mean it!"
--------------------------------
The three ponies relaxed on the Royal Bed and ate ice cream out of the containers they came in.
"No, that can't be right," Twilight argued. "I heard that you used the power of the crystal heart to vanquish King Sombra and bring warmth to a frozen wasteland."
"Well, you're partly right," Queen Chrysalis admitted.
--------------------------------
The handyman took a critical look at the Crystal Heart City Heating Unit ("For all your city-warming needs!")
"Can you help us?" Princess Cadence asked.
The handyman walked in front of one of the parts of the machine and kicked it. The entire heating unit roared to life.
"Oh, thank you!" Princess Cadence gushed.
"That'll be five hundred fifty bits," the pony replied.
"What?!" Princess Cadence yelled. "That's outrageous! That's highway robbery! I could have done that myself!"
"Well sure," the handyman replied, "but first you'd have to know where to kick it."
--------------------------------
"I think I get it," Twilight said, "but where does King Sombra fit into this story?
"The company's name was King Sombra's Heating and Air Conditioning Repair," Chrysalis replied. "There's no actual pony named King Sombra."
"Then why did Princess Celestia tell me there was?"
Chrysalis sighed. "A few years ago Celestia became obsessed with the pony who played their mascot. She was convinced he was 'up to no good' and constantly stalked him. Eventually the poor guy got a judge to bar her from the entire Crystal Empire.
"Celestia wouldn't do that!" Twilight yelled.
Chrysalis replied, "Did you ever stop to ask her why she sent you and your friends, instead of handling the matter herself?"
Twilight frowned. "You know, I asked her that one time. She just said, 'that's what meat shields are for,' before sending me out to the front lines. In retrospect, I probably should have paid more attention to that."
--------------------------------
"Does this explain why Princess Cadence made buzzing noises every now and then?"
Shining Armor coughed uncomfortably. "No," he said, "that was just Crissy. She's a little weird like that."
"We all have our quirks," Queen Chrysalis said primly. "Bzzzzzzt."
--------------------------------
"You know, you never did tell me what happened with the Canterlot Invasion," Twilight said.
Chrysalis laughed and Shining Armor smirked.
"There was no invasion," Chrysalis explained. "It was just a really windy day."
"I don't get it."
--------------------------------
A gust of wind tore the paper mask away from a changeling's face. Then another changeling lost their mask. Then another. And another. Soon the town square was filled with unmasked changelings.
"Oh shit!" a pony yelled. "It's an ambush!"
"It's an invasion!" yelled another pony.
"SOUND THE ALARM! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!"
The changelings tried to run away, but in the chaos and confusion they kept slamming into other ponies.
Princess Cadence came outside to see what all the yelling and commotion was about.
"Princess Cadence is here!" a pony shouted. "She'll save us!"
Cadence groaned inwardly but put on a brave face.
"Never fear, citizens!" she yelled. I shall cast a love shield that will blast away these dangerous creatures! It might look like a flashbang, but I promise you it's not! Now, every pony look at me while the changelings get blown away in the air!
"Oh yeah," one of the changelings said, "I forgot we could fly."
There was a bright flash of light, and when the ponies' eyes cleared the changelings were gone.
"Princess Cadence has saved us! Three cheers for the Princess! Hip hip,"
"HUZZAH!"
"Hip hip,"
"HUZZAH!"
"Hip hip,"
"HUZZAH!"
--------------------------------
Shining Armor laughed uproariously while Twilight stared at Queen Chrysalis incredulously.
--------------------------------
A janitor whistled as he pushed his trolley of cleaning supplies through the castle prison. He came to Princess Cadence's jail cell.
"Oh, god damn it!" he yelled. "I just cleaned that cell!"
Princess Cadence cackled madly.
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This makes a terrifying amount of nonsensical sense.
this is always hilarious, thou i didnt think cadance would be a bully
i.imgur.com/ICmt4ef.gif
6956961
From my notes:
That scene never really gelled for me, so I went with this approach instead.
6956950
I get that a lot. ;)
Hmm.........makes sense, I approve!
6956970
oooooh, ok yeah this worked much better
You get a favorite for making this story 100% canon!
6957248
To be fair, that scene is canon to my story. That is, it did happen in the backstory, but I doubt it will ever come up in the story.
THIS IS MY FAVOURITE HEADCANNON!!!!!!!
Fucking ay, I love this story.
Ahahahahaha XD this is always fun to read
Hahahahahaa! NIce job, nice job.
6957387
This is my favorite headcannon.
Hovertext: "The nice thing about headcannons is that it's really easy to get other people to believe in them."
Oh please have Cadance escape and shack up with the pony who plays the mascot Sombra.
Vegeta knows better. He always keeps his meat shield where he can see them.
6960418 headcannons are great for blowing minds
Whelp, there definitely were feels.
But not the kind I've expected from your warning.
Well played. This chapter puts a new light on a lot of things
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I made this. You're welcome. ;)
6964749
So thanks for that.
What the fuck is this story?
6974645
Correct. This story is what the fuck.
6976712
Oooh, okay! Thanks for clearing that up!
....what the fuck?
My feels are experiencing technical difficulties due to the emotional roller coaster they were put through today. They'll come back after a few years.
So... why is Twilight being briefed on all of... this...?
7115514
Because neither Chrysalis nor Shining Armor are stupid enough to try to build a relationship on lies. They only waited as long as they did to make sure Twilight was old enough to understand and handle it.
EDIT: The first part, at least. The rest is just clearing up misunderstandings and making light conversation.
7118409 Oh I see, because she's such a big grownup mare now, yes she is! *pinches cheeks*
6960948
Well, if that happens Celestia definitely needs to find out about it.
7255542 And things will go downhill from there. Possibly with thrown poop.
Wat?
I do wish I could give this story another thumbs up.
Oh God I think the stupidity in this story just gave me an anurism.
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I didn't think you were that stupid vegeta
7690635
The stupidity of this story dropped my IQ so low that it looped back up the integer and now my IQ is 255