• Member Since 11th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen April 7th

TheGreatEater


T
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Main Story #2 of the GoldenVerse

After her party revealing her secret that she's been keeping for five years now. Scootaloo thought things could only go up. Until Twilight unlocked Scootaloo’s secret power, a long forgotten ability that had faded into myth and flutter pony tales. Now things are about to go crazy for everypony's favorite orphan.

But with the help of two alicorns, her fellow crusaders, and some friends along the way she'll rediscover the truth about being a Cutie Mark Crusader. It's not the destination that matters, but the adventures you face along the way.

Temporary Cover Art: TheGreatEater

Editor: kingtiger666

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 74 )

Yay, more Magic Scoots is on the way. I can just see her friends asking her to do some magic while Raindrops is out of ear shot... and then Raindrops comes back to see a hole in the wall or something.

Because of all this Scoots will never be able to fly. Instead she will teleglide with style. :trollestia:

5843525

If only I could give spoilers. But I can tell you the Cutie Mark Sleepover is going to be lethal amounts of adawableness coated with enough fluff to make a cloud bed.


5978809

The most amazing teleglider in Equestria! Trust me I have great plans for best filly :raritywink:.

I think you should slow down some. The beginning of the first story was told amazingly well, but with side stories and other things, it seems rushed. There are also a few little mistakes, such as dialogue starting in a new paragraph when it doesn't need to or small moments when I'm not sure who is talking exactly. Nothing major, but enough small mistakes and a story does tend to fall apart.

5994308

Honestly the stories just started. I'm taking events in a linear fashion. With each chapter building off of the one right before it. So that it links together. Even the side stories link to the interconnected chapters they are part of.

As for missing stuff. Could you highlight them? So I know where the errors are and fix them?

And the rushing bit. Don't know what to say really. I mean, I write each chapter until a particular scene, is finished. Then the next chapter picks up the next scene/series of scenes. Then they link together till a particular arc is finished. Similar to what I did with Golden Wings. The only difference now is that there are more links interwoven at parts.

What would you suggest? I mean, It's usually two chapters per day InVerse. Sometimes more than that. I could do longer chapters now I have a laptop. But then I run the risk of all those interconnected links, rather than seeming digestible / fluid when smaller. Seeming to drag on forever / weigh the reader down (and I admit was something I was seriously considering. But the reader risk vs. reward was to high for my tastes. At least on my own pro-con list. I'll probably throw out a more lengthy chapter when Scoots gets out of bed. Or if the Raindrops segment in Chapter 4 can be taken for a rather long ride. Rather than only two thousand. Since it'll give me time to flesh her out, give her depth, and more importantly give her some much needed spotlight. But I can take that for two chapters if I need it. And this chapter with Scootaloo. Is one of three.).

5994387 I would suggest longer submitting longer chapters overall. Each time a pony talks, maybe take the time, if it's necessary for the current segment, to write out their emotional change. Like what their face shows before or after they speak, in reaponse to what another pony has said to them.

5995425

Hmmm. I can do that. I'll combine chapter 2 and 3 for this fic into one chapter (will end up being a little over 4k), and a larger more indepth chapter 8 for ToL. See if that makes it better over the next few chapters. And the ones that won't work that way, I'll try adding in more physical details.

By the way, meant to ask. Did chapter 7 of ToL wrap everything in that particular chapter up? Or didn't it bring everything together?

5995488 What do you mean by ToL? By the way, if this is a sequel to Golden Wings, you should probably link them together using the story system.

5995488 Oh, Types of Love? Uh... hang on.

5995488 It wrapped it up, I think, but I did find one oversight. I commented on it.

5996634

Commented back. But yeah, there at that age where they do need parents (if they're lucky to have somepony who cares enough). But traditionally, especially Cutie Mark ponies, very few adults will pay attention or help out a foal who isn't theres. Unless it's basically (as with Scootaloo's party) shoved into their face that a problem exists.

Technically I'm going to build up the side arc brought up in ToL chapter 1. Where Twilight will make a reform to combat that tradition, since as with Scoots, not every filly / colt ends up lucky without a parent looking after them. And not every pony makes the choice to be self sufficient at that age.

5996755 You should. If I had done the story I would have made it a bigger part of the story. Still focusing on Scootaloo and a few others, but still tied to that same plot point, since it seems so important.

5996892

On most of the upcoming Twilight segments [since while I want to follow Raindrops and Scootaloo more in Golden Wings, I still want to cover other characters] I'm planning on building this up more and more. I was thinking about hitting up other ponies more often, but since I don't want to detract from the main story to much I usually make side stories, or interquels. Like for instance Blue Moon, I could have put in the main part of ToL, but I thought it'd serve better as a side chapter.

"Or the time we accidentally summoned Discord's uncle?" Sweetie asked.

Okay, we need to hear this one.

6045059

I might make that a side story one of these days. Right now I'm finishing up the Picnic mentioned near the end of Golden Wings, but yeah that'll be doable when my schedual clears up.

I feel like Scootaloo is maybe being a bit too mellow about all of this. Chores are one thing but a bedtime? For a filly who's probably used to sleeping whenever she feels like it... it might just cause an outburst or two... just me, though. Still looking forward for more.

Was she that background filly that Twilight imagined when in Magic Kindergarten? Or OC?

6046603
I think the comfort and joy of having a warm bed helps cancel out any hard feelings about a bed time.

6047805 Children aren't always that mature or thoughtful.

6046808

The background filly in Twilight's flashback. Who also was Cloud Kickers sister in the Sister Hooves Social.


6047817

6047805 has it about right. For 5 years, sure she slept whenever she wanted. But usually in alleys, or more recently in the cold hard floor of the clubhouse whenever the Crusaders weren't having sleepovers. But for a week she's had a warm bed, clean food, and having a curfew like her friends have isn't that big of a deal.

But yeah, kids aren't usually that mature, and when story appropriate I might show that, but right now she's a little wary of ruining a measure of safety for inserting her personality over a minor inhibition to her freedom.

6048198 Fair enough, but she must have some sort of nerves going through her. Anxiety that what is going on will be ruined somehow. You said five years on her own, five probably hard years. I dunno.

6049146

Yep. Once she recovers from magical exhaustion, she's going to have some problems, even more when she starts meeting 'potential parents'. But I'm thinking most of her lack of attitude is 90% exhaustion from magical overload, mixed with a very emotionally draining week. So I'm going to be nice to her for a few instory days. Then I'll start throwing her curveballs as she comes out of her shell.

A nice chapter, Sparkler deserves a bonus for preventing the house from getting destroyed five times.

Are you a little sad this story isn't doing as well as the first?

6125141

Honestly the first didn't really go well until like the tenth chapter. And between this and Types of Love, It's about as good as Golden Wings [especially since this is only the second chapter.]

6125710 I demander that thy,TheGreatEater,doesn't make us wait longer than we had to waiters do chapter 12 from they's other remarkable story,GoldenWings.

6168800

Don't worry I am working on it. And it definitely won't be a year long wait this time around. That was way too long (and a mix of IRL, and computer dying, twice.).

6168854 I'd rather have my pc die than crash when reading for about 2.5 minutes.Which it does.

6170383

Both are bad. But replacing a computer is expensive now and days. 500 USD + tax for a cheap one, and about a thousand if I really want a good one.

6170477 I say that.Go to turn on my pc.And it died that day.Great.Now I need to replace my graphics card AND my fan.Bye Bye bank account.

6173761

XD. I know how that feels. Good luck on getting your new one ^_^.

6173804 Thanks to my Grandma.Since the graphics card makes it crash,so still slightly useable,I can get a new fan today.25 bucks at microcenter.

Welp. So, Sugar Sweet is (was?) in dire need of some arresting.

And... has... Raindrops never told anyone about Sugar Sweet? She didn't tell her (probably) parent figure... which would've been the big one to tell...

How could she describe her life to Shimmering Breeze if she couldn't say "at first I was in a shitty orphanage, then I was taken in by legally dubious vagrants"? That was her whole life up until then! She just... never talked about her past? To anyone?

6642260

She told him about the orphanage. But she didn't tell him about the family she had prior to that [gave her to the orphanage [and she sees it as them basically throwing her into an unending nightmare], or Zesty Peaches [who in a way saved her. So in her way she protected them by taking the blame of everything that she did that ended up getting her caught, as well as about parts of her life on the streets]. But she told him well mostly everything in passing here.

And it was her time at the Orphanage that made her be who she is. Although Sugar Sweet was arrested before that happened [and I'll eventually be hitting that part of her past at a later date.]

6642454
She had a family first? Was this touched on before this and I just missed it, or was this just intended to be implied during this chapter? Either way, it's good she talked about the orphanage part, since it was very significant.

And yeah, I understand that she might not want to tell an officer of the law about a valued parental figure that might get in trouble for it.

6642534

It wasn't really touched upon here. Basically showed her as a pony Scootaloo's age that was in an Orphanage. I was thinking about talking about it in her next flash back. When she's talking to Zest Peaches about her past once she opens up to her. And in the Golden Wings flash back was implied that she had a family before, but it was a reference in passing.

But yeah, Lt. Shimmering Breeze and Zest Peaches are both really awesome ponies. I'm eager for the day I can actually get to writing them. It was good that she was able to have them in her life after her getting tossed out of the orphanage.

6642454 I'm glad that Sugar Sweet got arrested.
However, I'd be lying if I said that I thought that was enough punishment for her.

6642689

And I'd be lying if I said I didn't agree with you on that. Then I think of what happens to child abusers in prison, and the fact that unicorns have magic, and pegasi have wings. Then I grin a little inside. Still yeah, one of these years we'll have to see what happens to her. Probably on a holloween so I can make it especially grim dark. Like making her watch endless loops of Son of the Mask. Or worse.

6642705 Or better yet:
Make her watch the G3.5 stuff AND the Newborn Cuties stuff, and put her through physical torment if she tried doing anything but watch silently.

But then again, as Mrs. Sugar Sweet was happy to point out every night, while tanked on cheap Sherry, “Canterlot was a unicorn city!”, usually followed by things along the lines of, “Any non-unicorn dropped off at an orphanage there was dropped off because their parents hated their existence, and they were lucky not to be tossed off the mountain or shipped to work in a mine for the superior race.”

It's ponies like this that make me want to reach into my computer screen and strangle them.

“Ah, good…” Z shot Raindrops a look and clarified, “Not ‘good whatever happened to you’, just that I don’t have to snap their necks for hurting a foal. I wouldn’t want to think anypony in my little family could hurt a foal, but it's one of the few things that I don’t tolerate. So who did it?”

And then there's ponies like this one who I want to hug and give belly rubs to.

Z is awesome and I can just see her being one of those little old mares who look harmless, only to reveal they can break you in half in an instant if you push them to far. I bet she'd love Scootaloo.

6642595 Just imagine the look on Raindrop's face if they somehow met, hooked up, and are now living together. Relationship or not, I can totally see Raindrops' jaw hitting the floor the first time she found out.

6642705 6642712 You're both forgetting the best form of torture: making her listen to very annoying songs that drive her crazy. then, just as she calms down and tries to go to bed, have a guard whistle part of the jingle :trollestia:

6644295

Yep. Z would love Scoots, and it would be funny to see how Raindrops reacts if they did hook up :rainbowlaugh:. As for that punishment ... that sounds hilarious. Especially if Luna once she was released made those songs haunt them in their dreams. And yeah, Sugar Sweet is one of my least favorite types of characters to write, 'the racist, abusive drunk.'. As for Z, I love writing that character. I see her [when Drops was around Scoots age] as in her 20's, and a mix of Punk [rock], mafioso [protects her people, and will rain fury upon any who mess her "family"], and lovable rogue. All around she's all sorts of awesome.

6645994 I love Luna's addition to the mental torture. Pure genius! And will Z get to meet Scootaloo??? I can actually see her as having taken control of a mafia, cracking down on criminal violence and smashing abusive orphanages wide open, then being invited to tea with Celestia for doing such good work.

6876604

I got all of the new chapter of ToL written, and most of chapter 5 of this one written. Mostly waiting on my editor, and IRL's been crazy. Having to learn how to do both 3ds Max, Maya, and I'm learning Rigging ... which in and of itself is super crazy. But I promise that I'm working on it.

Hopefully once IRL slows down a bit, I can start pumping out chapters as fast as I'd like. Oh! Next chapter has some of Cloud Kicker's past, and we see how awesome her parents are.

6876635 cool and I understand life gets in the way a lot more than anyone wants too. even more so the weather likes to be really annoying at times too

6876649

One of the few good things about living in Florida is that I don't have to deal with snow on top of everything else.

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