First Gear Prelude: What Friendship Might Be

by BNuts

3. Day 6 - Friendship Is A Two-Way Street

“Hey, Gearhead, you’re only a year older than me, right?” Another day of study, and Gearhead was once again in pleasant company.

“That is correct,”

“So why d’you speak so formally?” Dawn tilted her head, eyes wide.

“It is how I speak normally,”

“But it’s not normal: we’re foals!” Even when she was trying to berate him, Gearhead thought that the filly might not be good for his heart, she was too cute.

“I think what my sister is wondering is why you’re trying to act like a grown-up,” Dusk said.

Gearhead thought about it. “The sooner I grow up, the sooner I can do something, anything, to help my family. That is my truth.”

“But the whole point of being a foal is to have fun!”

“I do have fun,” Gearhead blurted.

“Do you really?”

Too close! But Gearhead could not look away from Dawn’s face. He reflected on the last few years. “With my big sister, but I think the most fun I’ve had is...” Did I just use a contraction?

“Yes?”

“With you, my friends.”

“Right? I told you so!”

Gearhead could not help answering Dawn’s smile with one of his own. It is fun when you have friends’ help, and can help them, he thought. He hoped Dawn and Dusk were still with him when he found his answer.

Comments

[ocalhoun]

Official EFNW 2015 Pre-Con Contest first round grading

Total: 13
Technical: 2/5
Plot: 2/5
Character: 4/5
Creativity: 3/5
Bonus: 2/5 (In the beginning, I feared that Gearhead would turn out to be the typically overpowered self-insert. Then, in chapter 6, he was redeemed by not being able to control the power at all, making it a liability... but then in the very next chapter, the author succumbs to temptation and gives him crazy additional powers that he's in total control of.)
Comment: To start off with, I'll state the obvious: this should have all been one chapter. These chapters were ludicrously short, and it really breaks up the flow of the story, preventing me from getting into it, particularly when there's a chapter break in the middle of a conversation and the conversation continues after the break as if it wasn't there at all. That, combined with a few errors, really hurts the technical score. Plot took a hit because this is more of an exposition about Gearhead, his past, and his powers than a real story in its own right. Creativity also took a hit from Gearhead, because there are a million other OCs just like him... though at least he's not an alicorn. The shadowponies were an interesting concept, but hardly explained at all in the context of this story. I did like the OCs Dawn and Dusk, though. They strike me as real, developable characters who could be enjoyable to get to know.

[BNuts]

EDIT Repair: Okay, I've decided to separate the chapters into days. Hopefully this helps with the flow problem you noted. Ordinarily, by the way, one of my chapters would be about 12 pages (about 5,500 - 9,000 words) long. Obviously I cannot take that much time here.

EDIT: I've gone through and made some fixes, including adding the odd word I'd oddly left out before. I also added on a section where Dusk and Dawn ask Gearhead why his power seems not to make sense in the way it works. I hope this helps to make sense of the story and Gearhead himself.

5797382 Thank you for your grading of my short story. I decided to try out a different style, with chapter breaks wherever there was a break, because it seems like many of the readers who look at my short stories do not like longer chapters. This was an experiment, and in order to show when one section continued from another, I used a Day numbering system. The result seems to be that neither short nor long chapters will make everyone happy -- who doesn't know such a thing already? I specialize in long stories, which is exactly what my Gear Series (First Gear, Second Gear, etc.) is.

It is unfortunate that you appear to have read Gearhead as having perfect control of his 'knack,' as he has come to call it. As of yet he only has limited control when he uses it on small or medium non-living things, like a plough. As you read when he demonstrated it to Dusk and Dawn, the folding and melting of the land is his lack of control, and why he must wear the shoes his father designed for him. This, by the way, is the same 'knack,' just used a different way. He does gain better control over it later, but he never gains complete control over it.

I had fun writing Gearhead here because he has far less control over his emotions as a child than he does as an adult, after he has learned the art of sales. Dawn was fun too, showing a different aspect compared to her sedate and ladylike manner. Sometimes we will still see this fun-loving side of her, but in public she is painfully correct in her manner. Dusk probably changes the least, since he is assured in his place as the Heir and wants to do his utmost to prove himself.

I was going to do a scene where the friends are decompressing together after the Changeling invasion, but besides running out of space I ended up deciding that the shift in mood would prove to be too much. I intended this as a story that shows how friendships can form out of a desire for mutual support. I guess I could have extended it further to show how they helped each other in their research, but again, I did not want it to be too long.

In any case, a short story has its natural limitations. And if you misread my intentions, I imagine others would as well. Perhaps I will have a read through to correct the errors.