There's a new pony in town, and she's out to vanquish all spirits from every dimension, which takes her to Twilight's front door in Ponyville.
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eevee1
Joined 24th Feb, 2015 ·
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This was the first story I've written in years. So I'm open to anything you want to say.
My personal feelings on this are as follows.
1. Good premise, interesting concept and it has a lot of potential.
2. The writing seems really rushed, and the characters don't get enough attention to flush out who they are and what they are doing.
3. there are a couple of places where the characters reactions break the 'suspension of disbelief'. One example is why did twilight, once the fighting was over with, not demand to know who this new pony is and what the crap spirits are? I feel like this is meant to be a cross over, but for those of us who are not familiar with the Spirits and your OC, we will have trouble understanding exactly what is going on... Exposition, or dialog to explain what spirits are, who this OC is, what their goal is, and why spirits are attacking people randomly, would be very very helpful.
4. The writing needs smoothed out, and all the characters involved feel like they either know each other already or they are behaving like robots going about doing what the plot demands and having no interaction outside of that.
5. If this is meant to be a rough draft, it is a great rough draft! But you need to keep adding things, dialog, and interactions between characters. Small things, like once shining armor is asleep and cadence is calm and asleep at his side, have the rest sit down and enjoy tea together while they discuss the spirits and who this new OC is, or something.... just... something to give us a bit of a personal connection to the OC, and provide Twilight the opportunity to question him and get answers. Show the reader what is happening, don't tell them what is happening.
I hope all of this helps. If you would like to go over specific examples of these things, or some ideas i might have to help you out, PM me and we might be able to do a skype call.
5972933
My OC is a girl, and where can I out in that type of info at? Will you at least help me on smoothing out the story?
5973870
Of course, Put it in Google Doc's and then PM me the thing, and i will request the ability to give you suggestions on how to fix it. Sound good?
5973986
Yeah okay here's the link.
Spirit Slayer