I'm a historian by training, a teacher by trade.
The United Nations Embassy, Canterlot. Dedicated to promoting peaceful exchange-- economic, technological, cultural-- between humans and equines. But when a terrorist's plot ignites a firestorm of hidden racial-tension, the Embassy's eccentric, multi-species team of political operatives must scramble to forestall disaster. Can they hold together their nascent alliance and prevent First Contact from becoming a war between technology and magic?
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Well that came out quicker than expected, and I only just started reviewing it.
I'd advise you to lessen up on the tags. Just pick, say, three at most. What are the most important elements?
{just friendly advice}
805372 Sorry, I was so eager I couldn't even stand it any more. But by all means, please review if you want. I haven't submitted to EQD yet, nor do I intend to until I have my first wave of feedback.
I'm not really expecting this story to be popular, I wrote it more as an experiment to see if I could cram a West Wing type narrative into an Equestrian backdrop.
First thought: This . . . actually sounds not terrible.
Second thought: Wait, Guesswork? as in Daylight Burning Guesswork? Now I'm definitely checking this out.
Definitely getting a West Wing vibe from this story...and I'm loving it!
805403
So very enjoyable. I especially like how you just disregard the whole "Oh hey, talking magic ponies". And just delve into the characters. I like political drama yet I hate politics, go figure.
Also, unless the "romance" element is going to be much stronger or more focused on than basic established couples, I'd just drop the "romance" tag for the "Slice-of-Life" one. many prospective readers are biased when it comes to the "romance" and "human" tags being in the same story. Either they want to burn it, or they want squick. Neither of which they will find. I'd even go so far as to alter the wording in the description from "romance' to "companionship" and/or "love". Again, depends on how hard you actually plan on pushing the "romance' angle.
The 2 downvotes without feedback that are there already are probably tag related. Doubt they read it at all.
Oh, and I don't recommend sending this to EqD until it's about half way through. that way it'll be judged on it's story and technical quality rather than it's premise.
(Also, this is why we need a frikkin "DRAMA" tag.)
Third thought: OH HARMONY INTERSPECIES ROMANCE WWWHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Fourth thought: . . . Dammit, your dialogue is too good for me to care. Liked and tracked. Oh, and you've earned yourself a watch, too.
"take your time as fast as you fucking can" Hah!
I really like this so far, nice start.
I like it! it's got a unique take on the HiE genre
The Estraway commercial had me laughing out loud!
Anti-sorcery groups: yeah, I can totally see Muslim and Christian terrorists flipping out and trying to supress such a huge contradition to their ideology.
And I could almost hear the cheesy feel-good music and everyone wearing fucking white for the Estraway commercial.
Oh, man. I have seen Chapter 2 and it is GLORIOUS.
It's not often that I read 10 lines and say to myself, "I'm going to like this." Congrats on being really dammed good at writing this!
Confound this author, he drives me to be OK with interspecies romance.
Also, I wonder if humans have stopped referring to Philadelphia as "Philly" or not. Except the hipsters, I'm positive every single one of them is doing it with an ironic lilt in their voice.
827155 Because Earth and Equestria are just different versions of the same planet within the multiverse, there are a number of strange coincidences, such as city names, architecture, and engineering that exist between the alternate realities. Thus, Philadelphia and Fillydelphia are two separate cities, although they may share some cultural similarities because each is a reflection of the other. The mysteries of interdimensional travel are still mostly hidden to human and Ponykind, and the portal to Equestria is still the only one that either species has been able to stabilize for any length of time.
827155
Lawl
Anyways, keep going, this is good!
827191
And maybe the ponies refer to their city as 'Philla'...
they've never had a benevolent immortal monarch to show them the way."
Cold Type arched an eyebrow. "I think the majority of them would disagree.
Except for that majority has been disagreeing with eachother for all of written history... KA-ZING!
Wonderfully put together. I'm enjoying how organic and natural all of this feels. Keep up the good work.
827294 827630 829044 805551 805702 805709 805747
Ismartman, I am so glad someone else knows what the West Wing is!!! LOLOL
Djthomp, glad you liked the General! I'm trying to avoid the cliches as much as I can, despite tacking to them for the most part.
Nunchucks, I was hoping you'd say that.
Delorean, obvious my favorite part of the first chapter.
Quicksilver, I think Phila works quite nicely.
Xuncu, you're exactly my target audience.
Warrensable, I am floored by your compliments. Thank you.
I will definitely be pushing forward with this series, even though it's obviously eating into the time I can devote to my "main" story Daylight Burning. I wanted to do something different and weird, not to mention risky. I don't get the feeling that many fimfiction.net readers are interested in politics or interspecies romance (not to be confused with hanky-panky, which is a pretty good Pony name actually...), and these are really the cornerstones of this story.
I'm frankly surprised that this has garnered any response at all, and I hope that as the story and eccentric and lovable cast of characters develops, that my message of peace and love and friendship between civilizations can come through.
And that I won't just remembered as that guy who's OC screwed that other OC who was a woman.
Hmm. I think this might justify a blog post.
829509 Well...I love Daylight Burning as much as anyone, but you've already said that story is drawing to a close soon. As long as you finish Daylight before fully transitioning to this, I'll be happy.
Also, I'd like to amend my feeling about this fic from before. Though I haven't seen the latter yet, the vibe I'm getting is a cross between West Wing and Aaron Sorkin's new series. And I'm still loving it!
I am love love LOVING the dynamics between humans and ponies here. You are so damn good at writing character.
I liked the idea behind DJ's attraction to humans.
Really enjoying the West Wing vibe here. I also really the like that you carried over the style of using embedded images from Daylight Burning. Great work keep it up!
I am loving this. No playing around with that 'first contact' mess. Just jump straight into the good stuff: Human/Pony relations! And I don't mean Human/Pony relations, though that's also fun.
And the commercial made me wonder if Equestria has universal health care.
831905
I thought that bit was just fantastic too. I found myself actually trying to visualize what would look strange or foreign to a pony about humans. You could write entire stories on that alone.
Hell yeah! Step aside, Laura Roslin; there's a new game in town and his name is Paradigm!
Seriously, that was bucking awesome. Looking forward to more as always.
Oh wow. Just wow.
Those first two chapters were just easing us into ti weren't they? Suddenly we're introduced to what seems to be a few more of the main cast with several bits of dialogue and development between characters. I love this story now so much. I'm just at a loss for words now. These interplanetary politics remind me of a lot of arguments I've seen surrounding other HiE on this site. I just keep deleting what I'm writing because I can't say anything worthwhile about this anymore, I like it so much I'm just rambling nonsense now.
Damn, that was a good speech!
I can't wait for more!
Paradigm is best Press Secretary.
Eve is best New Girl.
I like how you told the readers the canon characters were still alive during the events of this story. Though none of them (that can age) have made appearances, so we don't know how old they are, and so we still don't know how much time has passed between the show and this story. Given what's going on, I could see a certain captain of the royal guard making an appearance at some point. Unless this story takes place in the same world as Daylight Burning... :(
I was about to pass this story up. I'm glad I didn't now.
So do the zebras have a different government or are they also a part of the Equestrian system?
885099 The Zebras are represented by a different government, hailing from the veldt that lies past the Canterlot Mountain Range. The Griffons also have a different government. I'm not sure the Dragons even have a government, but it's plausible that they do. I would love to incorporate all of these different, conflicting factions into the series once this particular story arc is finished.
874725 Rambling is highly encouraged.
885730
I'll just say I love the politics but I'm too stupid when talking about even fictional politics that I'd rather not embarrass myself.
These newer characters we were just introduced to were shown off with such flair that I'm already in love with them. Right away we get a good feel for what they're like as they interact with each other. I just loved the flow of this chapter.
886392 You probably know about as much about politics as me. I just watch a lot of TV.
885122 I would love to see a ponified Lord John Marbury when that happens.
"The world is coming apart at the seams."
"WELL THEN...Thank Celestia you sent for me!"
886514 OMFG I love that guy! It's so funny when he gets Leo's name wrong over and over again.
886519 "I thought you were the butler..."
886514 Also, I finally watch the pilot of Sorkin's The News Room and you're right, it is kind of like TCE. =P
Well, on to more detailed criticism.
This fic is not a pony version of West Wing, nor a pony version of News Room, but it is undeniably a perfect imitation of Aaron Sorkin's writing style. I'll admit, my first instinct was to try to match the various characters with counterparts from West Wing, but every one of your characters is unique and have next to no basis in Sorkin's works. Unique setting, unique characters, perfect mimicry of style. This thing is amazing. How amazing? I make it a point to find something to dislike about every incomplete fic I favorite to help the author improve. What do I dislike about this one? I'll have to get back to you on that, because I haven't found anything yet. THAT'S how amazing it is.
886657 No, you, bro. You're amazing. You.
I'm awfully glad you mentioned your main account back when I commented on SiiM, because you're really establishing yourself as an author to watch, and this is a story I'm excited to be following. This story is swinging for the fences by tackling both politics and interspecies relations -- and this chapter is a solid hit. We've known Paradigm for all of 1000 words and already he's got a crowning moment of awesome.
Eagerly looking forward to more!
Reading, and did I miss this the first time through?
The pastel mane-- more like liquid energy than a solid substance. Those massive violet eyes. The palpable sense of power that surrounded her, invisible-but-tangible, a low hum. More than a few scientists back on Earth had suggested that the alicorn Sisters were akin to living fusion-engines.
I love that description of the princesses.
831905 Oh absolutely, I thought that was a great little bit of conversation.
Paradigm is new best OC pony.
LOL, love the Equestria Daily ref.
Aah, all this confusion, all this chao-DISCORD
This took me far to long to get around to reading. Loving the story even more!
I love it! And I love how you averted "Humans are Bastards". And Paradigm's defense of Humanity is perfectly valid. And the characters are astoundingly well developed.
And why does New Dawn strike me as a ponified version of Al Qaeda? Granted, their motivations and methods are similar.
All in all, you combined the high octane thrills of Tom Clancy with the political intrigue of The West Wing.
This is by far the most interesting take on humanity meeting equestria I've had the pleasure of reading. I'm really looking forward to where you go with it.
Sure took ya long enough!