Interlude: Breakfast At Twilight's
Rainbow Dash was not what you would call a light sleeper. Her usual alarm clock consisted of falling out of a tree, and her normal sleeping position was sprawled over rafters, bannisters, branches-- anything that could support her weight, and quite a few things that couldn't. She used fragments of the clouds as quilts and pillows, the better for an impromptu nap. She snored, but only very quietly.
However, for Twilight Sparkle, at seven in the morning and in the absence of coffee, every noise was thunder rattling over her roof tiles and hooves down a blackboard. She also rather preferred anypony sleeping in her home to, y'know, alert her first, instead of sneaking in through the window in the dead of night like a common burglar. Nopony really knew what Twilight Sparkle did to common burglars, but the general opinion was that burglars on the whole would become rather less common if they found out.
In lieu of any better solution to the problem of Rainbow Dash, Twilight decided that her best option was to give her friend a very gentle prod with an enchanted broom-- the kind of 'gentle prod' that requires a good run-up, and a battle cry if possible.
To her very great credit, Dash was fully awake a fraction of a second after the broom-poke punted her over the edge of the rafter she'd been sleeping on, and began controlling her fall with the effortless skill of a pony who was used to such awakenings. Less to her credit, she failed to predict Twilight Sparkle attacking again on the backstroke, and caught the flat end of the broom with her face. She wasn't able to save herself a second time, and went tumbling to the floor. As she lay tangled up in her own limbs, Twilight stood over her, erect, dominating, triumphant.
"That," the unicorn announced, eyes flashing, "is for re-arranging my books."
Dash rolled her eyes, got up, and spat out some bristles that had gotten into her mouth. "Cool story, Twi. What's for breakfast? Besides broom, obviously."
Twilight snorted and told her that unwanted guests didn't get breakfast, before setting the table for three and pouring her a bowl of cereal. Dash smirked to nopony in particular, and settled down for what she always thought of as a relaxing early morning chat, which just so happened to take the form of a lecture on all the stupid things she'd apparently done this week.
The problem with Twilight's lectures was that, unlike Fluttershy's, which you couldn't ignore, because it was Fluttershy and she'd worked up the courage to tell you off and why were you invalidating all her efforts by not listening you monster, or Rarity's, which were simply too annoying and theatrical to ignore, Twilight had a nice enough voice and a robust enough psyche that you didn't feel bad about tuning her out. With practice (and Rainbow Dash had lots of practice) even her longest rants could be turned into soothing waves of noise, and all you had to do for the next five minutes was look contrite.
At the end of the unicorn's spiel, which might have been a confession of undying love for all Dash knew, Spike woke up, trotted to the table and unceremoniously barfed a roll of parchment into Twilight's cornflakes. With that done, he nodded a good morning to Rainbow Dash, climbed into his seat, and began to read the morning paper.
"Twi, your house is weird," Dash said conversationally as the unicorn fished the letter out of her bowl. "Hey, Spike, anything good in the sports pages?"
"Fillydelphia Phantoms won again," Spike yawned.
"What? The Fillies? They're a bunch of amateurs! They barely even deserve to be in the league!"
"Correct me if I'm wrong," Twilight said after a moment, "but aren't the Phantoms an ice-skating team?"
Dash narrowed her eyes. "What're you tryin' to say, Twi? That I only pay attention to the flying teams? Hey, I've got friends who ice skate. You and I both know that Pinkie could outskate these foals with her eyes closed."
"Maybe so, but you say that about everypony. According to you, Applejack's the best rodeo pony in the history of time even when she comes in second, and I'm the world's best magician despite the fact that I'm nothing compared to Princess Celestia," Twilight pointed out.
"There's nothing wrong with having a high opinion of your friends. After all, if I don't believe in you, how are you guys supposed to believe in yourself? It's all about confidence!" Dash said, and smacked her hoof down on the table for emphasis.
"You know, that's both the sweetest and most self-centred thing you've said all week. Well done," Twilight snarked. "But Spike, why are you so interested in ice skating?"
"I like the choreography," the dragon shrugged.
The unicorn gave this a second's thought, then shrugged. She was never any good in the mornings, mainly because she had a habit of staying up into the dead of the night, writing or reading or reading things she'd written. In that, she felt a small kinship with Rainbow Dash; neither could wake up with any grace. But then again, Twilight had a secret weapon.
Dash watched with barely concealed fascination as her friend trotted off to the kitchen to make a cup of what could charitably be called 'coffee'. Really, it was a sort of tar-black caffienated goop that looked up at you from the cup and dared you to drink it. It did not pour out of a cup, but rolled instead. Such was its potency that it had begun to acquire legendary status amongst Ponyvillians-- rumour had it that one sip had killed Fluttershy outright, and a second had brought her back to life.
In fact, Twilight had learned the recipe from a coffee parlour in Canterlot, owned by a Mr. Joe Bean. Joe was of the opinion that good coffee was drunk, but great coffee should be chewed. It was so thick that it needed to be stirred with an oar rather than a spoon, and had a nasty tendency to dissolve tabletops if you spilt it. As such, Mr. Bean's All-Nite Coffee had garnered a reputation among the wilder magic students for selling the most mind-altering substance in Equestria, much to the chagrin of the alchemy majors, who constantly sought to one-up it.
Twilight Sparkle poured a slug of it into a cup the size of a thimble, and returned to the breakfast table. Rainbow Dash made a point of staring directly at her, magenta eyes locked steadily on her cup. The unicorn sighed. This happened every time Dash slept over, whether she alerted Twilight to her presence first or not. She threw back her head, gulped down her coffee, and experienced a number of interesting facial spasms as it set to work roughly kicking her body into gear. She gave a guilty little shiver, then sighed contentedly. If it didn't make every hair on your body stand on end, Joe had said, it wasn't real coffee.
Across the table, Rainbow Dash broke down into a fit of giggles. Spike rustled his newspaper to disguise a snort, but before long he'd given up the pretence of dignity and broke down with her. Dash's laughter was notoriously infectious, just like Pinkie's; put them together, and they'd scale logarithmically.
"Are you two done?" Twilight asked after the customary ten second grace period.
"Ha ha! Oh, I'm just- haha! Sorry, Twi, but your coffee face is just the funniest thing!" Dash said, nearly knocking over her cereal bowl in her histrionics.
"Plainly, you haven't seen Rarity's," Twilight deadpanned. "Anyway, we have things we need to talk about. Like, why you're even in my house."
"Fluttershy wouldn't let me sleep over at hers. She gets paranoid if I don't ask three days in advance every time," Dash replied innocently, as though she had just constructed a foolproof and all-powerful argument.
"What about Pinkie Pie? And AJ has a barn, doesn't she?"
"Well, I asked, but Pinkie was really hyper for some reason. I don't think I'd have gotten a wink of sleep. AJ's in a bad mood with me, too, after I tracked her down yesterday. I might've teased her about having lunch with Rarity, a teensy bit."
"A teensy bit?" Twilight asked, her eyebrow raised.
"Oh, you know. The usual stuff," Dash said evasively. "AJ and Rarity sittin' in a tree, opposites most definitely attract, if you love her so much why don't you just throw her down in the hay and get the rodeo started-"
"Ahem! There's a baby dragon present."
"Yeah, and? You do realise that the paper he's reading has saucy pictures on the third page, right? Way to go there, Captain Mom."
Spike began very casually flicking through the pages of his newspaper, before it was yanked rudely from his claws. Twilight gave him a scowl.
"But Dash, back to the point. You have your own house. Why didn't you sleep there?"
"But then I wouldn't get to see your coffee face in the morning. Plus, free cereal!" Dash replied innocently. Only the guiltiest of ponies knew how to sound so innocent reliably. (Well, them and Fluttershy.)
"Ugh! Fine. But tell me first next time," Twilight groaned finally, before turning her attention to the letter, which was well on the way to drying after its milk bath. She used her magic to unfurl it, snapping it like a towel and splashing the last few drops of milk over Spike, before scanning it quickly. When she lowered it, her face had fallen a little.
"I told you she'd say yes. You owe me an ice cream cone, by the way," the dragon said, looking remarkably smug.
"Usually, a bet takes place between two or more individuals, not between one dragon and whoever happens to be in the room when he announces that he's betting. I never agreed to anything, Spike, and you know it. But yes. The party is on," Twilight said, looking as though her fondest wish was to add an 'unfortunately' to the end.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa. Whoa. Party? There's a party goin' on? Why wasn't I told? I love parties! They're relevant to my interests!" Dash pouted.
Twilight sighed. "Yes, Dash, there's a party. Pinkie and Rarity want to throw a birthday party for Princess Luna to make up for all the ones she missed when she was in the moon. They wanted me to ask Princess Celestia if she'd lend them a venue at Canterlot. I was against it because of the potential security issues, but...Well, the Princess knows best."
To Twilight's horror, Rainbow Dash responded with a grin that was one hundred percent weapons-grade Trouble condensed into a single facial expression. There were faces that launched a thousand ships, and there were faces which sent them all back home crying to their towering oaken mommies, and Rainbow Dash was definitely employing the latter.
"Y'know, Twi," the pegasus said with false nonchalance, "I distinctly don't remember getting back at Princess Luna for that little trick she pulled on Nightmare Night. I'm thinking I ought to correct that."
"Rainbow Dash, you're using big words. I don't like it when you use big words," the unicorn warned.
"I'm sure she'll appreciate it, as one prankster to another. After all, it's a sign of respect between members of the profession," Dash carried on, rubbing her hooves together with glee.
"Oh, no. No, Dash. Stop right there. I'm not going to let you justify this madness by calling it a profession. New rule, okay? You can only call it a profession if you can be a professor in it."
"Hah! Well, Twi, I profess to prank with the best! Stick that in your bubble pipe and smoke- er, bubble...uh, verb it! Yeah, stick it in your pipe and verb it!" Dash concluded loftily.
"Oh, I'll verb something all right,"Twilight muttered.
"Didn't you get back at her when you were at the wedding?" Spike asked.
"Come on, little guy. Even I know it wouldn't have been appropriate. Besides," Dash whispered conspiratorially, "did you see the security? Pinkie's entire stash of water bombs got confiscated. I was surprised she managed to sneak the Party Cannon through, but nopony expects the Party Cannon."
"You know what? Fine. Just try and cause trouble. But you know what? Rarity and Pinkie are doing the party arrangements, and they'll know you're planning something. Plus, I'm going to be there too, for damage control, and if I catch you making mischief for Princess Luna, I will personally make you read the entire dictionary. Out loud," Twilight threatened.
"...You totally can't do that. Can you?"
"You're talking to a pony who can teleport and time travel at will. Factor that into your equations before deciding what I 'totally' can't do."
"Fair point. A spell that makes you read out the entire dictionary...Man! Unicorns get all the best stuff. There's so much prank potential, right there. Say, Twi, you ever thought about joining the Dark Side? You stick with me and Pinkie, we'll show you some real fun."
"The two most brightly coloured ponies I know are the Dark Side? Riiiiiiiight. I'll tell you if I ever get the urge to cause panic and chaos in the general populace, but, just so you know, historically I've been pretty opposed to the idea. Chocolate rain and Rarity breaking her back trying to lift a rock lose their appeal pretty quickly," Twilight said, and got up. "Speaking of Rarity, I ought to go and tell her she's got permission for the party. Would you like to come along? It's a costumed ball, so you can probably talk her into making you an outfit for it."
"It's a costume party? I'm sorry, Twi, but that's just asking for trouble," Dash said gleefully.
"That's what I said," Twilight groaned. "Spike, watch the house for me, okay? Come on, Dash."
After they left, Spike yawned, took up his newspaper once more, skipped to the third page to find it contained only an advertisement for ketchup, sighed, and lamented the ice cream cone he had almost won. Then, after eating the remnants of his own and Rainbow Dash's cereal, he retreated back to bed, sure in the knowledge that whatever was going on between the Elements Of Harmony, it would not end well.
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Wow, this actually updated? Not that I'm complaining, just surprised.
1551830
You and me both. I am, at least, back from the long hiatus I was on, so hopefully things should pick up. Sorry that I made everyone wait this long in the first place.
After forever, it has updated!.... Now I have to reread everything so I know what's going on....
Join the Dark Side; We have cookies! And since Pinkie made them, you know they're awesome.
Also, Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
With that out of my system, time to join 1551869 in rereading.
Worth the wait. A great, funny chapter/interlude/whatever
Well it looks like Rarity's plan may backfire on her, Rainbow Dash is more intrested in getting back at Luna than dressing up.
I do like a good, properly snarky Twi, and I think RD's subtler pranks are the better ones.
Well, this interlude looks rather nice. I'm glad it's been updated.
I like it, it's funny... but it's also a bit over to top in that respect...
Wow, I'm really glad this updated.
I must point out that I absolutely loved the detail in regards to the whole "coffee" scene.
It was rather Pratchett-esk, which I thought was awesome.
...and now I need to go back and reread everything cause I've forgotten what's going on XD
1551869
I'm just slow as molasses, I'm afraid. I might start doing little spoofy soap opera introductions. Like, 'Previously, on Fear of The Fall. Rainbow Dash read a book! Rarity is planning a party! Pinkie Pie sensed a doozy! Applejack had some arguments! Twilight is exasperated! Fluttershy isn't plot relevant yet.'
Well, if you take a look up at the previous comments, having to reread the entire story to know what's going on has been a bit of a theme ever since chapter three.
...You know, that's actually a semi-accurate summary. Just goes to show how plot-light this story actually is.
1551968
Yeah, I admit it. I was totally referencing Monty Python there. I regret nothing.
1552155
I'm not sure ANYTHING could have been worth that long a wait.
1552223
I think Rarity's plan succeeding would probably be the biggest possible twist I could make.
1554518
I usually have a lot of trouble writing Twi, so I'm glad to hear that she's at least amusing. Also, I totally agree on the subtle RD pranks thing. I could see her branching out into mind screws with great success.
1557725
Me too. It was about due, I think.
1559243
It is a little over-the-top, but then again, the home 'verse is pretty OTT when it comes to comedy, too. Besides, you're falling into my cleverly designed trap! You go through the story giggling and then, suddenly, bam! A sensitive moment suckerpunches you straight in the feels. Maybe.
(Also, great news! I've put together a little of the next chapter, and I'm glad to say, a special guest star appears! Can you guess who it is? Hint: they are large, magnificent, and made of wood!)
1560348
...Klatchian coffee? I didn't actually have that in mind when I wrote it, but now I think about it, it is a lot like that.
Also, I am a huge Pterry fan and being compared to him even momentarily makes me squee.
1562095 You know what would be odd is if Rainbow Dash falls in love with Rarity, and drives the fashonista so crazy that she wonders to herself "Why did I ever try to make Rainbow Dash fall in love?"
1562095
Like, 'Previously, on Fear of The Fall. Rainbow Dash read a book! Rarity is planning a party! Pinkie Pie sensed a doozy! Applejack had some arguments! Twilight is exasperated! Fluttershy isn't plot relevant yet.'
Please, please do that. I really think you should do that.
And there isn't much plot, but I don't care, because every chapter makes me grin and laugh. I love that Rainbow spending the night at Twilight's place unbeknownst to Twilight is, apparently, a semi-regular occurrence. The whole breakfast scene was quality.
1562121
Glad you're still enjoying these, even after I took such a huge vacation.
Or RD goes for AJ, and shortly after Rarity realises she's just accidentally screwed up her own love life. That's just cruel enough for me to do, actually.
1562150
Timberwolves? Are they a sports team? They have a capital T so they must be important! Also yeah I was talking about the door. In the end, that paragraph was just too lovely to go to waste.
1568219
You know, now that I think about it, that really is the kind of thing I'd actually do. Back when I wrote for the FFVII fandom, I ended up writing a oneshot collection that just ballooned until it was 150~ chapters long, and I gave each and every one of them a little joke disclaimer. I can sort've see this going the same way. Well, except for the 150 chapters thing. Probably. Given the glacial pace at which the plot of this story advances, it's not outside the realms of possibility.
Also, so long as people laugh, I'm happy.
1568408
Is the secret weapon ready yet? will the door strike at dawn? find out... on the next episode.
1568408 What would be so wrong about Rainbow Dash falling in love with Applejack in Rarity's mind?
1568429
Seriously, though, I have a decent idea of where things are going, and it's not quite as soap opera-y as that. 
...of Ponyball Z?
1568447
Given the fact that AJxRarity is a very common pairing (and one that's been mercilessly shipteased in this very fic)? Why, nothing at all!
1568492 Oh I see Rarity would be jealous, yeah well it would serve her right for taking advantage of Rainbow Dash.
I'm so smitten by this writing style. I'm positive if you were the one that had write the twilight series, I would be in love with the books.
GOLD.
Author, I love your sense of humour. I officially adore it.
Your take on the characters is very far away from my headcanon, but I think I'll find a place for them - they seem much more real this way, even if it doesn't feel quite like Equestria any more.
I need that coffee.
I mean, with me being a programmer, you can usually stand a spoon in mine, but... that sounds positively divine...