Pinkie Pie's Quest to Become Meme

by Scootareader

4. The Seventh Element

“Pinkie Pie, hold still! This is very sensitive magic!”

“Oh, Twilight! You know I can’t do that!” Pinkie Pie sat atop a large tesla coil, its power coursing directly into her rump. “Th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-” she stuttered, unable to continue her sentence past the first two letters. Twilight sighed and turned the switch off to the contraption, freeing Pinkie’s tongue. “This is fun!” She laughed to herself, then jumped back down onto the floor of the containment cell she was being held in.

“Look, Pinkie.” Twilight did her best to sound stern. “This experiment... is incredibly unstable. If I’d had a choice, I’d have picked Applejack for this, but she said her plans for today include some zap apple harvesting, which just so happens to have fallen around Apple Family Reunion time, and I need an earth pony. You’re the only other friend I trust with this experiment. You just need to hold still for a few minutes and we’ll be done.”

“Okay!” Pinkie exclaimed. She sat still in the middle of the floor for several long seconds, watching with an unmoving, sweaty face as Twilight flipped the switch back on, the machinery whirring back to life, before she said, “I... can’t!” and bolted off the ground again.

“Pinkie!” Twilight groaned. She started manipulating some of the knobs and dials on her dashboard, attempting to bring the focus of the machine to bear.

Then, Pinkie Pie blew up. She legit just blew up. Like, boom.

---

Pinkie Pie awoke floating in a strange white realm, absolutely confused and unsure what had happened. “Hello? Where am I? What is this place?”

Princess Celestia materialized from the ether. “Oh, jeez, it’s you.”

“Well, howdy, Princess Celestia! Fancy meeting you here. Where are we, anyway? Is this Purgatory?”

“It is... of sorts.” Celestia seemed quite uncomfortable. “All of Twilight’s other friends will end up here someday, and they will all become as she did. You, it would appear, are the first.”

Pinkie Pie gasped in shock. “You mean... I get to be an alicorn!? :D”

“Um... yes?”

Pinkie Pie began babbling. “Ohmigoshthisisthegreatestthingtoeverhappentomeican’twaittotellmyfriendsaboutthistheyaregonnabesojealousbecausei’mgonnabeanalicornandtheyonlywishtheycouldbealicornsandi’mgonnashowgummyandgrowhimsometeeththeniwilldecreenocurfewforfoalseverand—”

“Pinkie Pie, please.” Princess Celestia’s commanding words cut through Pinkie’s rant. “There’s something more I must tell you.” She took a deep breath, obviously unhappy with this. “My list also says... you get to be another Element of Harmony.”

Pinkie’s features screwed up in what could only be described as an implosion, then they popped back out as the gravitational forces involved in a facial implosion caught up with her and sent her rocketing away. Celestia’s magic grasped her and pulled her back to where she had been prior.

“You’ve come such a long, long way,
And I’ve dreaded since that very first day,
To see what you might know,
To see what we’ll get through,
To see what is your view,
And all the ways you’ve made me despise you.

It’s time now for a new change to come,
To make a bad choice and then some,
Now Princess I bestow,
New appendages three,
And ask you for mercy,
For it’s time for you to commit your heresy....”

Pinkie Pie was lifted from the ground, wrapped in a cocoon of light that quickly enveloped her, then Celestia teleported her back to Equestria.

Celestia looked upward, into the stark whiteness, where she knew the Hasbro execs were watching. “I hope you’re happy, you greedy bastards.”

---

Twilight, after blowing Pinkie Pie up, had called her remaining four friends to collect their thoughts and decide on a next course of action.

Twilight, to her credit, didn’t seem all that broken up about it. Like, she knew the risks and had taken the necessary precautions to distance herself emotionally from Pinkie Pie just prior to the experiment. It would take her weeks of emotional dampening spells and mental conditioning to wear off for the impact of the event to truly hit her. Also, to be fair, Pinkie Pie was being really annoying on that particular day.

Rarity wasn’t overly worried. Pink was a very difficult color to work with, as you were forced to work only with either complementary or starkly contradictory colors. You couldn’t very well stick a neutral with something so garish. No serious loss there.

Rainbow Dash had determined that the experiment had been something akin to a giant prank, and thus Pinkie died the way she deserved to die: having fun. Rainbow took her solace in such a stance.

Fluttershy, in caring only for animals, did not care for the lives of ponies, and thus, it was as if a plant had been stomped on to her.

Applejack was just relieved that she hadn’t agreed to the experiment.

Just as they were in the process of agreeing that it wasn’t a serious loss, a bright light brought them running outside. There, outside Twilight’s castle, was Pinkie Pie. There was, of course, the obvious difference: She had her horn and wings. However, her new Element of Harmony appeared to manifest in her having the cutie marks of, not only herself, but also those of her friends.

Her friends exclaimed in excitement, “How toyetic can you get?” They started touching her wings and horn, eliciting sighs of pleasure from her, as everyone knows those are sex organs to each species and earth ponies don’t know what it’s like to feel the touch of a pony on such sensitive regions of the body. They also began exclaiming over her now six strong cutie marks, speculating over what they could possibly symbolize.

“I think the new Element of Harmony you’re going to get is, um... hmm, it’s hard to determine,” Twilight stated thoughtfully.

“It’s Everything.” Princess Celestia’s voice cut through the chatter. “Her new Element of Harmony is Everything. The rest of you can go retire or whatever, Pinkie Pie can take it from here.”

Twilight canted her head to the side in confusion. “What do you mean, Princess? Don’t you need us to help defend Equestria?”

“Nah. Hasbro decided Pinkie Pie should be the main character and they want to erase their other five mistakes. You guys won’t be written into any future episodes. See ya.”

“Wait a minute! That is so unfair!” Rainbow Dash shouted. “Why can’t I be the main character?”

“No one will watch a show with a gay main character.”

“I’m not—”

“Anyway, it’s not up for debate.” Celestia gestured away from them. “Please leave your Elements of Harmony at the front door of Pinkie Pie’s new castle. She’ll be inheriting that one I gave to Twilight. Hope you’re not too mad, Twi.”

“Mad? Why would I be mad? I’m only homeless,” Twilight muttered sarcastically.

“Now, look, it was either make Pinkie Pie the main character or start some weird exploration of romanticism thing with you and me. Which would you rather have, my prized student?”

Twilight blushed. “You have to ask?”

---

Pinkie Pie was busy preparing a party for her friends that wouldn’t show up in the episode, presumably due to budget cuts, when her Magical Sparkle Phone™ began ringing. She picked it up. “Yes, Princess Celestia? Where am I needed to fight crime?”

Princess Celestia, whose face showed as a still image, presumably due to budget cuts, crackled through the headset with Steve Blum’s voice, as Nicole Oliver had not been retained for the role, presumably due to budget cuts. “Pinkie Pie, it appears Discord has helped King Sombra return to power in the Crystal Empire again, and this time, King Sombra is forcing Princess Cadance to marry him. You must go and stop the wedding and vanquish King Sombra again and teach Discord a lesson.”

“Leave it to me!” Pinkie Pie hung up her Magical Sparkle Phone™ and jumped into her Pink & Fabulous Pony Car, speeding off to the Crystal Empire.

Several minutes of commercials later, she arrived at the Crystal Empire to confront King Sombra at the altar. The pastor pony could be heard saying, “Do you, King Sombra, take Princess Cadance as your lawfully wedded wife, to spawn as many toy lines as fillies she creates, till bankruptcy do you part?”

King Sombra smiled sinisterly. “Crystals.”

Princess Cadance said, “I... I...”

At that moment, Pinkie Pie burst in. “Time to defeat the enemy. With fun!”

The following fight scene cannot be described in mere words. If I was an animation pro, I would show you what I’m talking about. It’s like Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo had a baby with Akira. It defies logic or reason. You cannot fathom the over-the-top weeaboo heart attack you just watched. Pinkie Pie hit King Sombra with a rubber chicken, several new toy lines were introduced, and it ended with him running away, shouting over his shoulder, “I’ll be back, Pinkie Pie, with friends!”

Of course, when confronted with what he had done, Discord smiled innocently and said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know what I was doing! I hope we can still be friends!”

The ponies all at once said, “Oh, Discord!” as if this was a typical thing with him. Which it was. Since it happened every single episode.

And with that, the ending credits rolled, complete with Pinkie Pie flying around them because she doesn’t care about the fourth wall. I mean, that joke is funny or something, right? Right, guys?

Author's Note:

This is the future of the show. Get used to it.

Comments

[emeraldhuskydragon0]

“No one will watch a show with a gay main character.”

true