Proof-read and edited by Majora
(My first attempt at second person narration. Imma give it a harvest)
Luna's descent into the vile creature known as Nightmare Moon did not end after she was banished and fused to the moon. Inside the mind of the pony continued the fight to maintain dominance of her mind, but it was a fight that she was losing.
We all have guardians protecting our minds, but they don't always succeed. Luna's was determined to prevent her from truly losing herself to the nightmare, so it traveled through her mind composed of bright blue landscapes painted under a sparkling Twilight and many moons, but which moon is the true moon of this mind? Time is scarce, and the moon might set forever if the mental guardian is not successful.
Great story! There were a few grammatical errors here and there (re-read and you'll see words missing letters or with the wrong letter), and you kept switching from present to past tense. But I loved the descriptions here and the struggle for Luna's mind. I especially loved the part where you see the different aspects of her psyche. With a bit of polish, this story could be something special. Bravo!
5702638 Dangit! I keep passing every chapter I make through a spell check!
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5703325
Just glad I could help point it out, since you really do have a great story on your hands!
Yeah, it happens to the best of us.
5703337 Oh. Thank you. As for the switching beteen tenses, I noticed that while writing but couldn't really figure out how to write this. While it isn't an excuse, I never really read stories in secod person so I didn't have a propr narrative to base myself off of. "Do I go past tense for environment description or do I go present? Is it past or present tense for second?!" Pretty much what I went through while spending three hours on this.
5703545
I definitely hear where you're coming from. I actually liked the present tense for the story. I felt more engaged in the action and in what was going on. I haven't read a lot of second person perspective either, but what little I've seen has been in present tense as well. That's just my two cents.
5703567 Then I'll try and convert the past to present tense when I can.
5703586
Alrighty, no pressure. =3
5703632 STOP PRESSURING ME SO MUCH! *clenches skull*
5703634
PEER PRESSURE PEER PRESSURE PEER PRESSURE PEER PRESSURE
XD
5703648 *explodes*
5703697
o_O
Nuuuuuuuuu!
5703700 Okay. I changed what I could into present tense. Hopefully, I did it correctly and spotted them all. Even found a few errors on the travel.
5703727
Alright! Can't wait to re-read it!
5703733 I just changed a few minor things. It's not a rewrite.
5703814
Still though, I'd like to see what you did with it. ^_^
5703818 Eh. Mainly just conversion.
Let me just see the read count. Only 89 reads, huh? cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/1337046105140_1579595.png
But seriously this was spectacular!! It was so amazing and your usage of the color schematics and dream sequences is one of the best portrayals I have yet seen. i also like that you co0nsider Nightmare Moon as just a parasite, a disgusting being that feeds on others and only benefits herself while at the same time destroying her host (seriously she and Radifus are bucking made for each other). I like the complexity you defined of Luna's mind and how her different personae work as well as defining her jealousy and rage as a byproduct of nothing more than a bitter foal wanting some attention. I also love how you described what essentially was a thousand year long battle as one continuous event proving once gain that time is nothing more than just a construct of the human mind. The battle here is a lengthy and draining one and the ending is just so perfectly bittersweet. Her mental guardian fell, giving it all he could just to protect the one he cared for. It's a story perfect for Luna and it's the best expose of her character. You have balanced out the blame presenting her side while at the same time combating it with the actual truth that Luna wasn't willing to admit on her own. I am sorry I couldn't be as funny with this comment as I usually am, but this sort of work deserves such analasis as I truly would say this is the definitive Luna story. This story isn't about Luna.
This story is Luna.
6137830 You didn't need to use comedy seeing as this was intended to be a sad story. Thanks a lot.
Oh my...
...
Second person done right.
7252992 I tried submitting it to EqG to see what would be mentioned, and every time they said it was done wrong. Then again, at this point I just send things to them to see what they might notice that I could improve, if the observation is valid, of course.
7254005 Eh, I'm no professional when it comes to second person... I barely ever read them because I usually don't like the way their written, but yours was a bit different and I found it far more enjoyable to read. To each their own I guess.
7254767 Yeah. They always say the same things about my writing despite putting the stories through pre-readers and the like. *shrug* I work on my stories. As long as readers like you still like them, I don't really care what they think.
DUUUUUUAHHHH, the Elements crit Nightmare Moon for all her health!!
This got me emotional, I died before the elements could save her.,,, or die I?
That got me real immersed and I loved it.