celticwolf72
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ey man this is cool shit
if you keep writing i'll love you
By the way you had a typo there
He knew when he (missing the W)as defeated.
Interesting premise and good writing. A lot of OCs tend to rub the wrong way—especially when they just show up and start telling their story—but I have no problem with this. Keep it up!
Thor: This chapter i like it
you: Oh thats great because i worked really har...
Thor: ANOTHER! -slams chapter into the ground demanding MOAR-
Interesting,have to see more to say more lol.
Wonder what Celestia is up to now.
Got me tracking mate, i'll be looking forward to the next update
K well other than the fact that you used the word people which doesn't bother me that much but will probably bother others this chapter rocks
I'm liking this story! Aaaand Pibkie's being Pinkie. Completely unpredictable and literally popping out of nowhere. I like!
I"m going to sum this story so far to me in emoticons :D
All at once
Hmmm... I don't know what to make of this... yet. Let's see how the other chapters come along.
3.5 out of 5.
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I'm glad I'm on with the characterization so far. That was one of my big worries since I'm relatively new to the herd.
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I'm assuming this is a good thing
So in the words of our precious yellow and pink mare....
yay.
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Good spotting, @mrheadhopper. I've fixed it now. I hope you enjoy the story as it unfolds.
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@Cast-Iron Caryatid: I was trying to avoid the whole 'let me tell you my life story' thing, and I'm glad I seem to have done so. The reason for that exposition is due to the fact that, in my experience, folks with a deforming injury react in one of two ways to folks always asking how it happened. Either they avoid talking about it at all, or they preemptively answer the questions. Coaldust struck me as the second type. I know you weren't complaining, just thought I'd show you a bit of what passes for thinking in my mind.
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@DoctorWhooves: I fully understand wanting to see more before making up your mind. I'm glad you are willing to give me a shot, at the very least. As for Puppetmeister Celest... ah, Princess Trolles... uh, Princess Mole... er, Princess Celestia she's working in the background, kinda like a bunraku puppeteer.
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@Grimdark Jester: Chapter 2 is up, enjoy!
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@Lucefudu: Thank you for giving me a chance at least. I know that the story won't appeal to every person who reads it. I just hope to tell the best story I can. Please continue to let me know what you think.
so far so good
Bravo sir, Brraaavo.
♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪
Well written, good set up for what I hope to be a good story.
Oooh, Coaldust gets all the fillies, huh?
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Right now, he's meeting the main cast and being a flirt. We'll see about the future.
educated redneck
fucking lol
Delightful so far. I cannot wait to sink my Omnivorous teeth into the next chapter.
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Pinkie isn't really hard to do. I'm sure at one time or other we've all had a friend (or a friend who had a friend) or a relative like that.
Still, it never gets old seeing the different reactions Beta Authors make Pinkie have to different situations.
I've released the hounds and now this story is being tracked.
Before I start reading, is it labeled mature for sexual themes? Or violence/gore? I'm guessing it's sexual or something? But would like to know if I should wait for the teen rating or not.
Never mind what I said. Didn't finish reading the description. xD
I don't know about anyone else but I grew up in the south and when I'm around southerners my southern drawl definitely becomes more apparent. Just something about being around folks who are used to talking that way that just brings it out of ya.
haha "hanging" i lol'd hard
What I find interesting is that I'm not entirely sure where this is going. The princesses are most likely planning on playing matchmakers, but what else are they up to? Will they find stallions for the remaining five friends? Are they focusing on only Twilight? How far are they willing to go to get the Mane 6 to start making some foals? Do they plan on continuously ensuring that future generations carry on the bloodline? Or is Coaldust just a red herring? I suppose time will tell.
Either way, some pony is going to get laid tonight.
I also like Coaldust. Rather than make him a bookworm like Twilight, he's an exact opposite to her, but also has similar interests. If he and her do get together, they just might make a cute couple.
OOOOHHHH, HAHAHAHA XD I id that, really. lol
Oh shit Big mac is getting angry! TURN GREEN TURN GREEN!
Oh Magnets. I'm happy you put that in there.
BIGMAC WAS GLARING AT COALDUST
HOLY SHIT
INTENSE BISSNESS RIGHT THERE
I can see it now:
Big Mac going to help Coaldust in the mines.
Sudden "accidental" mineshaft collapse.
Big Mac emerges and proceeds to gain Flutterprofit.
damn cliffhanger authors, you gotta love 'em 'cause it's illegal to kill 'em.
31495 then emerges coaldust, with a small revenge..who the hell am i kidding, a BIG revenge for a certen colt...
You have the same problem so far that I have with much of my writing. It is overly dominated by dialogue. The issue is that if you go to far the other way it is worse. In a lot of writing that I like to read, and that seems to be popular, there is always one thing in common: Actions dominate the paragraphs. Actions operate similarly to dialogue without being dialogue. When people just talk you only picture their voices, and when it is all description you get bored and lose interest. I have a hard time writing in the style I speak of, but it always seems to work.
Once again well done. I found one typo at one point though. Unless when you said "I’m afraid I ain’t looking for somefilly right now, but might could change in the future." you meant that he wasn't looking for a filly, and on an unrelated note his strength could change in the future. I also remembered another issue we both share about dialogue and typing! If you type dialogue and there is characterization and actions going along with the dialogue it makes the actual speech seem slower. 'Sometimes the most important words are the ones you leave out.' or however the quote goes.
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I am many things in many places. Here I am Not.
Minor discrepancy. In the previous chapter you said " 'Nope. Thanks for bringing me here, Twilight. I’ll just set up my tent and get started on the base work. Should I come into town tomorrow to finish registering?'
Twilight watched while Coaldust removed his harness and started unpacking some of his belongings. 'That sounds good. I’ll even buy you some lunch… wait, buying lunch would be a bad idea. Pinkie Pie will probably grab you for the party, and if you don’t eat the snacks she gets pouty. Trust me, a pouty Pinkie is *not* a good thing to see.' "
Now he is going over to the Apple Family's house for lunch. I am not sure if anyone but me would ever care enough about this for it to matter, but plotholes are plotholes.
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I am many things in many places. Here I am Not.
Introduction chapters can be hard, especially when you are introducing many characters all at once like this. In the previous chapters introductions were easier because the characters could just run into each-other naturally, and then be introduced, while in a setting like this he has to approach the other ponies, or they have to approach him, after already trading names.
I found one typo while reading through. You said "Though her voice was pleasant, he could see the unease at his announce profession." and I believe you meant to write "his announced profession."
I found one plothole: You said that like on his first day in Ponyville the door opened before he could knock, but in your first chapter he knocked loudly on the door before Twilight opened it.
I found two minor discrepancies.
First: If they are only sending pieces of paper that have to go to presumably the princess in Canterlot why don't they just send it via Spike? Pegasus mail has only been seen used in the show for packages. I can understand if the paperwork is going to someone else in Canterlot, or if it is too unimportant to be sent directly to the princess in that way.
Second: Although some ponies and bronies think it is funny to use buck meaning the F word it does not mean the same thing. I prefer to use another term that somepony started using. Rutting. It does not ruin your ICP reference to change it to "Rutting magnets, how do they work?"
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I am many things in many places. Here I am Not.
This so far, is great xD but only one thing trifled me a bit. That was the use for the term filly. Whenever I think of fillies, i think of the cutie mark crusaders and stuff. I think the word that you are looking for is mare. But i just
Mentally replace the phrase filly with mare anyway in this fanfic. So far its great buddy, imma track this xD
cant wait for next chapter mate
Im having continuoty issues with the OC, first theres the impression that he is an older pony, but then it says colt at the end? Very confusing
Hes secretly a musician/wrestler and his crew is called insane pony posse?
Hmm Big Mac could have a point with being suspicious.
31505
Long live the king! Oh, wait... wrong animation and wrong board.
31515
@not: Thanks for the comments, I really do appreciate the time you took to look things over and comment. I am aware of the heavy dialogue in these chapters. Most of that is due to my writing slightly out of my normal genre here. I normally write military sci-fi with an anthro subtheme (if you want details on that , just send me a message). I will say that the rest of the chapters will certainly be more 'action' heavy.
The 'might could' comment is actually a regional dialect version. Yes, in a strict sense it means exactly what you said 'strength could'. In this context it means 'might possibly'. It's a southern/Appalachian variation, I'm going to go ahead and insert 'that' in front just to clarify the context a little.
The descrepancy between the party and lunch at the Acres was actually covered. If you'll remember, AJ offered for him to come to lunch and did mention Pinkie's party. Logical assumption would be she spoke with Pinkie to slightly reschedual the party. Well, it's a logical assumption in my mind.
Nice catch on the 'announced'. That's the problem of writing and editing when you're close to going to sleep.
The knocking plothole is up next.
In this case, the thought was about the second time he went to knock after the first didn't get a reaction. In that case, he almost knocked on Twilight's skull. Could you suggest another way to put it?
Finally, the two discrepancies. As to the first, it was a very large stack of paperwork. Think a three inch binder or so of paper... you're not going to just roll that up. :) For the second, you are very correct. Rutting would be much more technically accurate. In this case, I bent to 'local convention' for the general swear term (meaning not actually referring to coitus). When actually referring to the act, I will most certainly use 'rutting'.
Again, I highly appreciate your comments. If you have any more as the chapters progress, please share them.
Hello!
I’m going to warn you, I’m not a native speaker nor have I a spelling check and I tend to write very long comments. Read on when you dare ^^
I usually don’t read mature stories, because most of them I read were plain... bad or disgustin, but since you offered two versions of the same story I was inclined to give it a try, since I got the feeling that you would write tasteful adult themes.
Sadly you haven’t even started so I have to keep patient until you really start to do :p
I liked the prologue, some nice hints on Molestia und Lunaughty here ^^ And very promising when the reader always nows “the princesses’ have their hooves in the game”
So far I see all the characters quite in character, nudged a little bit into adult territory in the way they speak (especially the encounter of “Dusty” and Rainbow comes to mind here ^^)
And although I know it’s very hard to introduce a knew character to the whole gang it made me grid my teeth as I read it >.<
Your writing is by no means bad or something like that! The flow of words is just nice and it reads along fluently and I enjoyed reading it, but I give all the examples that bothers me:
Big and strong yet handicapped Stallion who still works as a miner:
Okay so far.
The Miner is well read and into philosophie:
Eyebrow tilting a little bit, but well explained within the background of the character.
Just “happens” to be in the right place were Rainbow crashed (I wouldn’t blame you for that, you have to make him meet the other ponies) But then Catching! Rainbow out of a 200 yard fall/dive Only sliding some yards on the ground without any injuries? Not to mention the dexterity he must have to catch her in the right moment and doing so while standing on both hind legs and his bad front hoof?
O~kay
Gets Applejack on his side by mentioning her Aunt:
Alright, it’s good since we do all know that the Apple family is spread all around Equestria.
Finding some Gemstones in his Coal mine to offer them Rarity:
Perfectly fine! And he made a good impression to Spike for feeding him a mostly worthless diamond.
The Coal Miner, who always tie up his hair has an even brighter, more splendid mane than Celestia herself Rarity all flipping out about it? (She would indeed if she ever would get a hoof on such a mane)
But I grinded my teeth a bit.
And he just “happens” to find a kitty pub in his coal mine and bring it along to the get together and EVEN nows how to act as a stranger in front of Fluttershy he never met before and I believe didn’t got an accurate description from Twiligth beforehand.
No way!
Is able to say “Hello” to Zecora in Zebra:
Okay, I’m fine with that, well explained.
Do you get what I’m pointing at?
Either Coaldust is as close to a Mary Sue character as it is possible or he is a very well informed spy who don’t try very hard to be subtle with his knowledge about the Mane Six.
If it is the latter I’m okay with it and eager to find out what happens next and what he is about to do and what his “mission” might be.
If it is the former... Well just make sure that it doesn’t get out of hand. Your writing style is very good so far and the whole approach to the story quite interesting and most assuming to be very entertaining and funny to read along.
Don’t let it get ruined by a Mary Sue OC Pony!
When it stays that way. Well I could overread it, but it surely would dampen the experience of reading the promising story. Just keep an eye open for that ^^
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@Ratnap: Thank you very much for the comment. I must say that, for someone whose first language is not English, you were able to convey your points and concerns quite well.
I always read my comments... may not always respond, but I do read them.
I can certainly understand your 'Mary Sue' concerns, and I have actually been trying to avoid that. I will cop to the two Deus ex machina of the location for RD's crash and the kitten. As to the 'nothing mature yet'... that's because I'm very much against the whole "Hay, ur cute. We just met, lets sexx0rz!" thing that can be seen in some clopfics. I prefer it to develop as part of the process. Personal preference. *shrug*
As to the rest of your concerns, rather than bore everyone, I'll send you a note with reasoning and such. I'm not trying to avoid anything but bothering folks.
T'was only a dream.
t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRa0XbjHmTebYl43BQjdlxX_5iTMIPn2-eRWlsqXTRZ3LNsxedw
coaldust can change his mood and self almost instantly to attract teh ladies lol
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Ain't dreams a wonderful thing.
Well that was weird...
Can't wait for the next chapter.
Puts a whole new perspective on:
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>Well that was weird...
>looks left to picture
>