• Published 4th Mar 2015
  • 4,291 Views, 59 Comments

Tales from the Dark Side of the Mirror - GrimWolf



In a world ruled by King Sombra... the Mane 6 will not lift a hoove to help.

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A Bad Apple (Tries to) Spoil the Bunch

Alright, easy plan. Just get in get out, simple. Though Ah guess Ah should let somepony see meh. Ah mean what's the point of being a ne'er-do-well if no pony knows?! Not that anypony shouldn't know who Ah am! Ah mean Ah'm on the wanted posters! Yah'd think the guards would get called on meh more often! Maybe they can't read. Speakin' of which, why ain't anypony noticin' Ah'm doin' mah plottin' while standin' on the grass here!

...Huh? What do yah mean Ah ain't standin' on the grass cause its dead?! There's still a sign right there!...Stupid drought! Makes it hard work for everypony...not that Ah'm lazy or nothin'! Ah just don't like work! Someponies don't like politics, some ponies don't like fightin', Ah don't like workin' mah flank off fer no good reason!

Who am I? Mah name is Applejack, yah better not forget it! Ah'm one of the most wanted ponies in Canterlot!...What do you mean that's a small list?!...Oh yeah, the Princesses tryin' tah kill us all thin'...Well Ah don't care! Ah ain't lettin' those two ruin mah day while Ah'm...tryin' tah ruin everypony elses! Even if they destroyed all the Pegasi cities and there hasn't been rain for days! Ah'm a bad gal too! A thirsty bad gal, but still a bad gal! Maybe Ah should swipe somethin' tah drink! Yeah! That's what'll do!



...Okay, turned out that was a free water stand tah help ponies survive the drought Ah just stole from, didn't know we had those...Ah still stole from it! Yah can't tell meh Ah ain't bad tah bone! The other girls at the hideout know Ah'm bad! Fluttershy said so!...Ah'm pretty sure she wasn't bein' sarcastic either! And Rainbow knows am too! She even tried tah help meh once or twice!...Somehow we ended up givin' out flowers tah orphans, ain't sure how that happened...But it wasn't mah fault! Ah still made one of 'em cry! And Ah totally meant tah step on their hooves to do it! Ah swear!

But none of that is important right now! What is important is that Ah got a job to do! Ah'm gonna rob a store owned by the Apples! Yeah, Ah'm an Apple, what of it? No pony tells Applejack what tah do!

Alright, AJ, let's do this! Ah sneak in, all smooth like. Ah even whistle a little, no pony will suspect a thing. Ah slowly trot over to the apples, lookin' around to make sure no pony's lookin' (at least until Ah'm runnin' the other way)...and of course some reason everypony is, dang it! Okay, just gonna have to wait...and wait...and wait...and wait...and wait...Ah there we go! Dang it now they're watchin' again!

Dagnabbit! Look away don't yah! Why is robbin' a store so borin'?! Bein' a criminal's supposed tah be exciting, not all this waitin' around! Now that big sissy Buck Withers is pickin' up some apples himself! Yah'd think the stallion who wears nothin' but pink would be goin' after the peaches! Then again, Ah guess he might just be pickin' up ingredients for fruit smoothies for that triathlete of a wife of his. Ugh, come on this is takin' forever! Mah legs are getting' tired!

Finally! Okay, no pony lookin'; grab the apple and make sure only the security cameras see yah!

“Excuse me, Miss?”

Dang it! Manager saw meh! Oh well, at least he'll get a good look at mah Cutie Mark as Ah run awa-

“Oh! Miss Applejack! Long time no see!”

Buck!

He gives a smile. “I hope the store is to your satisfaction, despite recent events we have been trying very hard to keep it clean and up to snuff. Come to try the produce? I can bag it for you...”

“Uh...well...Ah...Ah was stealin' it...”

He blinked and looked at meh like Ah told 'em Ah was an alien. “Um, Miss Applejack, this is your family's store, it's difficult to steal something that you already own.”

“Well what about Granny Smith?!”

“Well you're living on your own, I don't believe she'd have it in his heart to deny you of food in these difficult times.”

My eye twitches and I glare at him for a moment. “...See you later then!”

“Have a nice day, Miss Applejack. And please do visit your grandmother some times, she sincerely misses you.”

“You don't tell me what to do and neither does she!”

“Yes, Miss Applejack.”

I flee that insane place as fast as my legs can carry me! ARGH! Why can I simply not seem to get in trouble for robbing my family's store?! Uh...Ah mean, uh...What in tarnation is wrong with mah family?! Is Granny Smith too busy sipping her fancy tea tah care her granddaughter just tried tah rob her blind?! What's with mah accent? Don't be silly! Ah ain't got no accent! This is just how Ah talk!

What was that guy thinkin'?! Treatin' meh like Ah was just some innocent little filly?! It's humiliatin'! Ah'm bad tah the bone! He's lucky it wasn't worth the trouble, or there woulda been trouble! Don't yah doubt meh one minute! Ah just didn't feel like it'd have been worth it tah beat 'em up or nothin'! Wasn't worth it for an apple, much too much work not enough profit fer this cattle rustler!...Dang it! That only makes sense when you're a cow!

Ugh...Great, there goes mah evil plan for the day. But Ah can't leave on that note, it'd be humiliatin'! So what can Ah do now? Can't just go back tah the hide out with that story or the girls will never let meh live it down! Ah got a reputation to keep up! Ugh...why can't Ah just finish a crime so Ah can go back tah the hideout and play video games?!

Ah! There's a guard! Hmm...Ah know what Ah'm gonna do! Ah'm gonna get arrested! Yeah that's right, Ah'm gonna get mahself thrown in the dungeon right here right now! What do yah say about them apples?! Huh? That's what Ah thought!

Alright, sneakin' behind him, he don't see meh...now, what can Ah do tah get his attention? Somethin' that'll get meh cuffed and hauled off the hoosegow faster than your head can spin? Hmm...arson? Ugh, then Ah'd have tah go through the trouble of findin' a lighter and getin' some fuel... Murder?...Uh...well...Ah ain't in the mood fer it! Ah could if Ah felt like it! Ah ain't a sissy! Jaywalkin'?...Of course it'd be the one time Ah want Canterlot tah be busy it ain't!

Hmm...let's see now, there's gotta be somethin'! Ah can't follow this guy all day! Mah legs are already tired from all that standin' around! Okay, let's see, lots of houses...lots of rocks. That's all there is around here! Houses and rocks! And not the kind of rock Pinkamena's sister's inta neither, at least then Ah could get arrested for disturbin' the peace. Or breakin' a window...wait a minute...Haha! That's more like it! Finally a real crime tah commit!

Ah sneak around to get ahead of him (Ah hope he appreciates all the work Ah'm goin' through! Gettin' arrested ain't as easy as it looks!). Okay, let's see, which house looks the fanciest? This one will do, lots of windows, marble pillars, big yard. Whoever lives here must be loaded. Ah pick up a rock in mah mouth, wait for the guard tah get close...little more...get a good view big guy!

Ah throw mah head forwards and CRASH! Right through one of the windows! Better do it till he catches meh! The more Ah break the more trouble Ah've caused! There goes another one! And another! That makes four!...Five...six...seven...Takin' the guy awhile, ain't it?

Ah turn around and the street is plum empty! What the Tartarus?!

“Hey! Vandal over here! Just broke a window!...Hello?! Mr. Guard Pony! Ah'm confessin'! No need tah stake meh out or nothin'!”

…Seriously, what the buck just happened?! Since when can yah break out all the windows in an old mansion and not get arrested?! What is the world comin' tah?! What's next? They watch meh burn down a store and don't lift a hoof?! Ah mean really!

...Wait a second, what's this sign say? 'Condemned...'

Of all the...I swear, since when is any house in Canterlot condemned?! It is not like it is a bad neighborhood or anything! Sure those vile miscreants attack every week or so, but it isn't that bad! I do declare I have nev-I mean-Ah mean of all the rotten, lowdown, dirty things tah do tah a hard workin' criminal like mahself! What's next? All the stores close down so there's nothing tah rob?! It's so hard tah be a ne'er-do-well these days!

Just tah blow off a little steam, Ah kick a rock at the house with my back legs, but it deflects off an-YOUCH!



Ha! In yer face house! Now Ah look even more badflank! Ah got an eyepatch! Now back tah business! Ah actually put a lot of effort inta this caper so it's definitely gonna get somepony's attention! Ah even bought paint! Several gallons of the stuff! On mah granny's credit card! Top that! A whole fifteen bucks Granny Smith will never know where it went! Let's just hope she finally gets up off her rich, stuck up, lazy flank tah notice fer once in her life!

Why do Ah need gallons of paint? Hehe. A little vandalism of course! Gonna paint the entire side of this building with it! How in the world is somepony gonna miss that unless old sunbutt somehow blinds the entire kingdom?! And that ain't gonna happen, she already tried two or three times! Luna tried once at night too!...Wow, that sounded a lot less depressin' when it was in mah head...

Now, what should Ah make mah masterpiece here?...Nothin' too big, that'd be too much work and Ah'd have tah go through the trouble of findin' a ladder...How about an apple with one of those red cross out things around it? That'd get mah message across! No way that's getting' interpreted the wrong way! Or should Ah say the right way?

Why am Ah out tah get mah family so much? None of yer beeswax! Ah'm who Ah am cause Ah like it, yah got a problem with that?!...Wait! Come back! Yer supposed tah pay attention tah the bad guy! Not walk off in the middle of what they're sayin'! Geeze! If yah want tah know why so bad, Ah guess Ah can tell yah. After all, Ah got time while Ah do mah little project here.



Yah know, lookin' at our world now, it's hard tah tell it, but this country used tah be real pretty. Back when Princess Celestia was alone and the big three goodie goods had her under control, and when they ran inta trouble King Tirek and his kingdom were happy tah help (now they're too busy dealin' with Tirek's nasty brother Lord Scorpan after the Princesses let him out of Tartarus). Back then she caused a lot of trouble, but we still had Pegasi makin' weather tah give us rain and dirt good enough for crops tah grow. And boy did they grow. And with that came lots of farmers, which is where mah family came in.

Mah Granny Smith is a selfish old coot. Always had been, always will be. Tah hear how she talks about it, she wanted tah live in the lap of luxury somethin' fierce, and it just so happened her family was pretty well off. So naturally when her daddy ended up insultin' Princess Celestia one evenin' and they had tah find themselves a nice little house on the edge of Everfree until Captain Goodguy could give 'em some protection, Granny Smith was the first pony tah complain. She called her pa a 'big coward who wouldn't stick up for himself.' Personally? Even a rotten tah the core pony like yers truly knows better than tah pick a fight with old sunbutt.

Of course, good fortune happened along and her daddy discovered a rare breed of apple around there and started breedin' it, was a pretty smart fella. And thanks tah Captain Goodguy makin' his presence known, they were free tah start a little farm (sadly, their old place and a chunk of their money was now a crater). Now while mah great grandpa was a smart guy, he was a bit lackin' in the physical department, so he had to hire out. One of his workers was an old stallion named Stinkin' Rich, which was a pretty dang ironic name given he was dirt poor. Old Mr. Rich was a selfless guy, he didn't sign up tah work on Sweet Apple Acres cause he wanted a pay check, he wanted tah help the new family startin' over out and perhaps store up enough money fer his kids. Met 'em a couple times before he passed, good stallion. Over time, Stinkin' Rich became a friend of mah great grandpa, but Granny Smith just saw him as somepony who might be a bit convenient fer her tah use some day. Like Ah said, Granny is one selfish old bucker, didn't see anypony as a pony so much as a pawn, Ah think that even applies tah meh and mah sibs.

Now Granny Smith loved the idea of bein' rich from the little taste she started life with, which she was gettin' what with all the apples they were sellin', but what she didn't like was the idea of livin' on a farm, much less runnin' it. However, Stinkin' Rich's grandson Filithy Rich grew up on that farm and knew how it ran like clockwork, and was probably the one pony that the Apple Family trusted completely. So she got it in her head a way tah stay rich without havin' tah pull her own weight. She went and sold her daddy's farm tah Filthy Rich for a decent amount and left the trouble of keeping the place goin' tah him. Then she went and opened up a store tah sell Rich Acres apples and apple products for top dollar all over Equestria, givin' Rich a decent cut of the profits (Flim and Flam's daddy was the supreme judge at the time, and he wasn't too keen on dirty dealin'), but letting herself sit back and rake in the bits while a few hired helpers did the real work. As soon as she was pretty sure she could get away with it, she packed her bags and moved tah Canterlot to live high on the hog. Mah brother went with her, from what Ah heard he's quite the lady's stallion...for one night at least till they get to know what a proud braggart he is! Feel sorry for the duchess he's married tah for his title! Wonder she still has ears! He even tried tah make a move on Princess Trixie once, guess how well that turned out?

...Ah was born on that farm, and spent a few years with the Riches, real nice folks. Selfless and generous. Filthy Rich was practically mah dad for a year or two when mah parents passed (Ah was still pretty young at the time, Ah'm surprised Filthy had sweet little Diamond later on in his old age) until Granny Smith decided tah stick that big nose of hers were it never belonged.

“It simply isn't right for a member of the illustrious Apple Family to grow up knowing little of the finer things in life, I'm taking little Applejack to Canterlot with me,” she said. Did she ever ask what Ah wanted? Nah, Ah know exactly why she snatched meh up like that: because havin' little orphan foal with yah earns a boat load of sympathy points, that's why! She practically let the TV do mah raisin' so long as Ah wore a big smile when it came tah public appearances and acted that part of her 'darlin' little angel!' And mah baby sister Applebloom? The photo bugs couldn't get enough of her. All the while Granny Smith got tah say 'Oh look at how good a pony I am! Taking care of my orphaned grandchildren!'

...And ponies wonder where Ah learned how tah lie. Ah had a very good teacher.

As fer meh? Like Ah said, Granny Smith raised meh tah be her definition of a proper lady. That is stuffy and with mah nose straight up in the air when we were in public, and a spoiled rotten little princess at home. She expected all the things Ah had tah do her foal rearin' for her, them and the servants. For meh tah just ask the servants tah buy meh things, play video games whenever Ah wanted tah, and politely stay outta her mane. Like Ah said, she was lazy, did yah expect her tah actually have a hooves on role in raisin' foals?

Now, Ah can hear some ponies sayin' 'Applejack, why would yah choose a life of crime over bein' a rich, fancy pantsy southern belle'? Because bein' rich is buckin' borin'! Not only that, but Ah realized somethin'. Ah wasn't meh, Ah was Granny Smith's idea of what Ah should be! A smilin' little doll that she could dress up for parties, then ignore and leave on the shelf when the party goers were gone! And mah big brother ain't much better! He expected meh tah be the same so Ah didn't embarrass 'em around his dates. Wanted meh tah sit around bein' window dressin' so his latest lady would think he's such a good big brother tah meh.

So long story short, Ah was stuck in a borin' life Ah didn't care one bit for with ponies who didn't care one bit for meh, and livin' as a mask they forced on meh instead of bein' meh. Being their little wind up doll that might as well have not existed when they didn't pull meh off the shelf! Tah put it lightly, Ah was a bit bitter about that. Ah played along, but sooner or later Ah thought Ah was gonna go stark ravin' mad from boredom! So Ah came up with a new hobby: seein' how much rotten stuff it'd take tah finally get mah family tah pay attention tah meh at all!

At first Ah started drawin' on the walls, but about all that got meh was a little 'Applejack, be a dear and behave yourself' and the servants havin' a little extra work tah do! And yah know what? At first that made meh happy! Finally somepony was actually talkin' tah meh! It felt like gettin' a taste of sweets for the first time! But sooner or later Granny Smith decided that was too much work and just told the servants tah start cleanin' it up themselves. Well at that point, Ah decided tah start one uppin' mahself tah get more attention. Ah tried breakin' every toy they got meh, they just bought meh more! Ah tried cussin'...but Ah didn't really know that many cuss words and the ones Ah did Ah learned from them anyway (Ah've learned lot more since then)! Ah gained like ten pounds stealin' cookies from the kitchen, all that got meh was them worryin' a bit about ponies thinkin' Ah was getting' fat! Ah did every buckin' thing a kid could do tah get in trouble and it never got meh anymore than a slap on the wrist!...So Ah decided tah get serious!

Ah started snatchin' things from visitors and stuff from around the house. Jewelry, the TV remote, even money right outta her wallet. Ah didn't even want any of it, Ah just wanted Granny Smith tah finally, really chew meh out! After Ah had a decent stash, Ah decided tah wait fer the fireworks...and wait...and wait...and wait...But it never came. Do you know what Granny Smith did? She simply went out and bought replacements, never even caring where the little missing things had gone. She didn't even seem to mind the missing money. Even at my worst it was as if I didn't exist at all!...Ah...Ah mean...Ah...

The moment Ah was old enough, Ah got the hay outta dodge and moved out tah become a professional ne'er-do-well. Ah thought 'if a little theft ain't gonna cut it, maybe a big score will.' Especially if that big score was from Granny's own business!...Ah admit, Ah didn't think it'd be so much work! Ah mean stakin' out a place, findin' the right time, waitin'! Ah'm lucky Ah make it through the day! But Ah know someday, when Ah finally make a big enough mess of Granny Smith's little empire she always loved more than meh, THEN she'd care! So Ah've been plottin' the downfall of the Apple's business ever since!

Team up with the Princesses tah do that?! Even by mah standards that's nuts! They just ain't trustworthy!...Luna proved that much.

Ah...kinda...maybe almost starved to death. Just a little bit. Rainbow and the others found meh sleepin' in their club house one night when it was rainin', we talked, and meh and Twilight hit it off. Girl knows how it feels tah want attention, Ah tell yah that! And they don't just see meh as a little wind up doll either!...They see me...as me...They invite me to play cards, they actually ask me what we want to do. They're more my family than Granny Smith ever was! She can rot in Tartarus for all I care!...I mean...Uh...Yeah, she can rot in Tartarus fer all Ah care!

From what Ah hear, little Applebloom feels the same way! She's buddy buddy with Rarity's little sister and this foal named Scootaloo, and they're more family tah her than Granny and Big Mac ever were!...Ah...Ah don't know how Ah feel about her followin' in mah footsteps that way...I don't know if...Uh...Anyway, there yah go, the big bad origins of Applejack! Hope yah enjoyed it! Now, let's take a good look at mah handy work!

Nice big red apple with a nice big line through it! And a little skull and crossbones on it in green! That outta scare somepony! Maybe two! Let's see anypony ignore this!

...Wait a second...this buildin' is set aside for street art?! Come on! Dang it, now Ah've gotta go do it all over again where it'll actually count as vandalism!...GOSH DARN IT I'M OUT OF PAINT! WHAT THE BUCKING TARTARUS?!

...Ah'm going back to the club house...Ah need a lot of cider...If Pinkie Pie hasn't thrown out mah stash again...

Author's Note:

Art from wolfram-and-hart