A First person story of human emigrating to Equestria and the isolation of being in a strange new world. Until he first sets eyes on one Octavia Melody, he instantly feels his heart beg to be with her but after a performance one night it seems it may be in vain as she appears to be very close with another mare, not that there's anything wrong with that, its just that it may leave the young hapless romantic somewhat disheartened if they are only into each other, but all may no be lost.
Chapters (10)
Word of advice: when it comes to plot summaries, less is more.
5707298 I appreciate and understand your constructive critisim, but would you trust me when i say that i wrote this whole fic on a smartphone? i don't have my own computer which means a lot of features like spell and grammar check are not avalible to me and its very difficult to tell how far the pages have been tabbed in, but I will take your commemt into consideration, thank you
5707256 Do you mean this chapter needed less detailing in a few spots than what i put? because just before i sent the final draft the story felt like it was to fast in the pacing and lacking im detail, like i was crusing along to meet the 1000 word requirment,
Amyone know if the somg at long last love is still umder copyright and cannt ne featured in a fic? cole poter the origimal songwriter and frank sinatra the cover artists both have been deceased since, but i feel like their is some copyright protection on it
Fix the awful run-on sentence that is the description of this story, please. It makes my eyes bleed...
Does this chapter feel too rushed to anypony selse, i dodnt want to pad the thimg out too much as a comment on the last cjapter said "when it comes to plot summary less is more" but i feel like the pacing dosen't fully draw the reader into the story before the chapter's up
I'm wondering how things will shape up, so I'll took forward to seeing what happens. However, I think you should get an editor to look over your work; you've got some basic grammar issues that should be addressed. Nothing serious, but you'd get more likes if you did clean it up a little.
5766906 Im glad I have your attention and I know the hrammar is flawed, and while I would never try to make excuses for it being any fault but my own, I have to ask my readrs to please keep in mind that a majority of this story was written on my smartphone, which means i cant see the layout as good as writers who use PC's and I dont have acsess to spell and grammer check, so when i proofread this my self its actually a lot harder to do because of the limits a phone has, but barring that im glad i have your interest perked for my story and im glad you like it ^^
This chapter was initally so badly written in my opinion that Im thinking of taking a short break from this story, its like a reverse writer's block, I know what I want to write but after doing so and rereading it I think to myself "good heavens this is terrible!" *sigh* is this story starting to get that bad? does anyone thing a brief reccess from it would be best? or should I keep the pace of weekly at the least edits and changes going? suggestions?
I'm with Ledgion on this one, it does seem like an interesting, and I really like the character's mentality. He seems fleshed out and almost...for lack of a better term here, human. I can't wait to see where this'll go, but I do think that you should get an editor, or to check some things over before publishing. Anyway, you have a lot of potential and I'm looking forward to what you can do with this!
5786685 well I'm just glad to have someone like and really take a good look at my story, at lease it shows people are still reading it. lolo
more or less I'm finally done, but if anyone's interested (or even if they're not) I may but a bonus chapter up later, more of an epilogue than anything but aside that hope you've all enjoyed and will continue to enjoy it.
5716016 Er, what he means by 'less is more' is by the description, you want to hook your audience enough that they'll want to read the story. Something like, 'A human immigrates to Equestria, only to find out that it isn't all that it's cracked up to be.' It gives the reader just enough to let them know that a human in Equestria is experiencing some conflict there, but without giving the story away.
Also, in the first chapter, if ponies treat humans so horribly, then there needs to be shown a viable reason for that. Are they shocked and disgusted about humans murdering other humans, and about our wars? Are they upset about some people treating Terran ponies with cruel conditions and neglect? Are they reacting in fear to our magically inert existence and fear that by associating with humans, they too could lose their magic? Or hate-mongering which stirred up the ponies into a fearful, distrusting frenzy, and believing what was said because of herd mentality?
Also, how the Royal Diarchs of Equestria view humans can also have a strong social impact? Do they just view humans as some kind of intelligent monkey helper? Or are they hoping to spread the 'magic of friendship' to the human race?
You're only telling a story from a human's view, and leaving the pony viewpoint about humans untold.
Did you get the song idea from fallout new vegas cause I kinda doubt you would have truly known this song unless you play fallout
7016889. Well...this is one of my earlier stories so things like links to music and images were something I used to put A LOT of in them, but i will say this. No sir I've legitimately been a Sinatra fan long before New Vegas was out and found the choice music was based on my liking for old blue eyes himself. I specifically chose NOT to use a NV upload of that track for that very reason.
Well, it was interesting at the start, but the story is dragging on like a self-insert, showing an amateur writer's insecurities, and griping about the world he/she is in and projecting all that into the story as some kind of "be my savior" type thing.
(I'm very tired, so forgive me for the lack of my usual grace when writing these.)
Suffice to say, I'm not all that interested in reading it beyond the 6th chapter. The main character is too whiny, insecure, lecturing, and convenient. Also, the ponies of interest seem WAY too accepting and the rest are just just pricks for the sake of the story.
Quit pulling your punches. Make the story an actual struggle for the character and not a convenience.
OK good story and I'm not trying to be mean or anything it really is good its just that I think its moving to quickly. Again good story and this is just my opinion
7839335 well this was one of the first stories I'd ever written so pacing was something I wasn't used to working on just yet