loves to read and write books. is willing to help with books or book titles
As the long days grow longer and the night grows ever farther, Luna close to her wits end has to over come her sadness and thoughts of death with harder to think about consequence for every move she makes. Not being to control herself she snaps under presser and does the unthinkable...
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Cool story! From my perspective, you could have made the chapters a bit longer, and used some harder words.
For example;
"Today was awesome! I passed my science test and made a new friend!"
Could be reworded into:
"Today was most magnificent! I aced my science test and also made an acquaintance!"
Just some constructive criticism to help you
~MiTM
Alright, this is a 2AM review of Dance of the Midnight Majesty. I'm the DM and I am joined this very early morning by Way2Dawn.
So let's start from the top.
Title: Every important word, such as nouns and adjectives, needs to be capitalized.
should be
Description: The description literally gives away the entire story. I don't really need to read the story to know what's going to happen. Regardless of this, both of us did read the entire thing.
This... thing. Yeah... I'm not really sure what's trying to be said. It feels like you are trying to combine three different ideas into one statement.
What's going to happen? Is the world ending? Are sentient artichokes banging on the castle doors and demanding voting rights?
This needs to be its own sentence. Secondly, you're missing a fair amount of punctuation. Let me see if I can try to iron it out.
Hmmm... still not feeling it. Really the whole part of
doesn't even need to exist. There are numerous punctuation errors, and even a few instances of words being misused or just plain not needed.
From the description you provided, I have gathered a few things before even reading chapter 1.
1) Luna is probably depressed, and is probably at the brink of suicide.
2) She "snaps"... so I'm gonna guess she turns back into Nightmare Moon?
3) If number two is correct, then Celestia will be forced to fight her sister again, that is if Luna doesn't off herself before then.
Pretty close, right?
Anyway, let's cover some of the actual story content.
Chapter 1:
Alright. So the sun is supposedly rising and Luna is tired after a night of doing... nothing? I feel like there should have been at least half a dozen commas in the first three lines. I count a total of zero.
Uhhh... how does the sky fill with warmth? Like, you're describing the color, why did you suddenly throw in temperature?
Walked back with salty tears? Where? Was she carrying a glass full of tears? You need to reword this and add punctuation to the section before.
Ah, good. We're about to get some exposition.
Oooooor not... Hmmm... Also, a slightly silent lock? Why not just a silent lock?
Now can we have some exposition?
Damn... Also, I think you meant "raspy" voice.
Woah there. Slow the fuck down. Who's talking here? We were just walking with Celestia. So, like, is Celestia now having a mental breakdown? Also, what does "she" think is prettier?
So, uhhh, yeah. Not a whole lot was presented to us. Just some dialogue, some screaming, and a lot of confusion over who's talking.
Chapter 2:
First off, you need to make these chapters longer. A bunch of 300 word chapters just tends to piss people off. Moving along.
Who?
Please, establish who's speaking whenever you start dialogue.
Wait, wasn't she just in bed? Also, how much of a time skip did we just do? I'm guessing a full day, but it would be nice to have that stated.
Okay, shit's getting dark now. Which is fine, but you haven't given us any inclination as to WHY Luna us going down the rabbit hole of depression and despair. What happened to cause this?
So the second chapter came and went with no explanation for, well, anything.
Chapter 3:
Two, too, and to. Learn to use the proper form.
So now Luna's having a dialogue with... herself? I wonder, if you're having a conversation with a split personality of yourself, does it count as a monologue, or a dialogue... Anyway, Luna argues with herself and smashes a mirror. Cool?
I'm guessing we're talking to Celestia.
Chapter 4:
I just wanna say, called it.
So... yeah... there's more shouting and confusion over who's talking, and some shouting, aaaand more shouting...
I'm just gonna cut it off here.
Final Thoughts:
Details. There were almost none. Scenes changed without any transition at all, we never learned why Luna was in such a shitty state of mind, and we probably never will. I mean, where's the story? Right now this things reads like a police audio recording of someone who was arguing with their sibling before sustaining a fatal injury in a jealousy induced rage.
Character actions. You told us a bunch of stuff happened, then some more stuff happened, then bad stuff happened because of the earlier stuff. Woo... Rather than spoon feed your reader, show your reader through descriptions. Describe the setting, the feeling in the room, or even why this is all happening in the first place.
I'm not even going to touch characterization.
So yeah... there you go. Hopefully what was said here can help guide you on your next writing adventure. Just remember, you're only going to get better by practicing . Also, finding an editor or a proofreader can help immensely. Having a second set of eyes is beyond helpful. Also, reading other peoples works can be very beneficial. Learn from the mistakes of others, lest you fall prey to similar literary pitfalls. Anyway, good luck on your future projects.
Dear persons,
I am aware that I have made some (alot) of mistakes. With punctuation and description. I will give you clarification as to why Luna is depressed. It is because Celestia is beloved more then Luna is, and Lunas jealousy turned into want she is depressed about. As for the other stuff I will leave it be in this story, but I will try my best to write better next story.
The major problem with this story is that it's too short. I don't mean to sound condescending but 400 words isn't exactly a chapter. Hell, anything under 1000 words really isn't. Why? Well in short it creates a lot of pacing problems that will eat your story on the inside. For example, here we have practically no build up as to why Luna is depressed. It's just that she's depressed and blames Celestia for it. That's not enough context for us to know exactly what's going on. Also you need a lot more description, especially for a story of this magnitude. Show us how Luna is feeling. Show us through her thoughts and also by her actions. Don't just tell us. That doesn't get us invested into the story.
Hope this helped!