Dance of the midnight majesty

by black unicorn

most beloved, dearly departed

"LUNA!" Celestia yelled through the glass. She wiggled the handle but it wouldn't budge...neither did her sister. Frantically she looked around for another way in. Then she noticed the broken window. She found a small rock to smash it with and unlocked the door from the inside.

"LUNA!" She yelled once more. A face turned over one shoulder to look at her. The glowing white eye stared at her. Deep into her. Like it could see into her soul. The dark mane and skin was not of her sister.

"What did you do to my sister!?" Celestia yelled at the black figure

"So stupid...I believe you mean what did you do to your sister."

"What do you mean?"

"Are you that stupid? I thought you would notice your own sister" She stood up. "YOU MADE ME! YOU! MISS PERFECT! MISS WONDERFUL! THEY FORGOT ALL ABOUT ME. YOU FORGOT ALL ABOUT ME!"

"What do you mean Luna. Please tell me!" Celestia cried to her sisters new form.

"I MEAN EVERYONE LOVES YOU! AND NOW IT'S TIME. MY TIME! THE NIGHT AND YOUR NIGHTMARE WILL LAST FOREVER!"

The dark pony's wings spread out almost half the width of the cambers' walls. With a gust-full thrust the figure rushed towards the sunny pony and with a thud crashed into her.

"NEVER AGAIN!"

The weight and power of the nightmare was strong, but the princess of light could barely over come. Sending Luna backwards to the wall near the shattered mirror. Shakingly Celestia stood up and looked at the thing across the room. A drop of blood dripping down the side of her face. Staining her pure white skin.

"Don't do this sister. Please. I'm begging you."

"No longer!"

The dark pony once more charged and in defense Celestia picked up the first thing she could to defend herself with from the on coming attack. A squish was heard and a gasp echoed after it. Celestia opened her eyes to see the nightmare. Luna. Hanging off the end of a knife in front of her. Celestia pulled the knife out of the gushing pony that clasped onto the floor in a blood soaked heap.

"Sister. SISTER! LUNA TALK TO ME!"

The sobs filled the rock room drowning out the silence.

"SISTER.I'M SORRY! I LOVE YOU...I love you..." The sobs continued and stained the floor.

"My....time..."

The twinkle of the last star was all that she saw last...

THE END.

Comments

[Daffodilia]

Cool story! From my perspective, you could have made the chapters a bit longer, and used some harder words.

For example;

"Today was awesome! I passed my science test and made a new friend!"

Could be reworded into:

"Today was most magnificent! I aced my science test and also made an acquaintance!"

Just some constructive criticism to help you

~MiTM

[The DM]

Alright, this is a 2AM review of Dance of the Midnight Majesty. I'm the DM and I am joined this very early morning by Way2Dawn.

So let's start from the top.

Title: Every important word, such as nouns and adjectives, needs to be capitalized.

Dance of the midnight majesty

should be

Dance of the Midnight Majesty

Description: The description literally gives away the entire story. I don't really need to read the story to know what's going to happen. Regardless of this, both of us did read the entire thing.

As the long days grow longer and the night grows ever farther, Luna close to her wits end has to over come her sadness and thoughts of death with harder to think about consequence for every move she makes. Not being to control herself she snaps under presser and does the unthinkable...

This... thing. Yeah... I'm not really sure what's trying to be said. It feels like you are trying to combine three different ideas into one statement.

As the long days grow longer and the night grows ever farther,

What's going to happen? Is the world ending? Are sentient artichokes banging on the castle doors and demanding voting rights?

Luna close to her wits end has to over come her sadness and thoughts of death with harder to think about consequence for every move she makes.

This needs to be its own sentence. Secondly, you're missing a fair amount of punctuation. Let me see if I can try to iron it out.

Luna, close to her wits end, has to overcome her sadness and thoughts of death...

Hmmm... still not feeling it. Really the whole part of

...with harder to think about consequence for every move she makes.

doesn't even need to exist. There are numerous punctuation errors, and even a few instances of words being misused or just plain not needed.

From the description you provided, I have gathered a few things before even reading chapter 1.
1) Luna is probably depressed, and is probably at the brink of suicide.
2) She "snaps"... so I'm gonna guess she turns back into Nightmare Moon?
3) If number two is correct, then Celestia will be forced to fight her sister again, that is if Luna doesn't off herself before then.

Pretty close, right?

Anyway, let's cover some of the actual story content.

Chapter 1:

Alright. So the sun is supposedly rising and Luna is tired after a night of doing... nothing? I feel like there should have been at least half a dozen commas in the first three lines. I count a total of zero.

...as the sky began to fill with the yellow and warmth of the sun

Uhhh... how does the sky fill with warmth? Like, you're describing the color, why did you suddenly throw in temperature?

...walked back to her chambers with her head down and salty tears.

Walked back with salty tears? Where? Was she carrying a glass full of tears? You need to reword this and add punctuation to the section before.

"Sister. What's the matter?"

Ah, good. We're about to get some exposition.

The door slammed behind the blue princess and locked with a slightly silent click

Oooooor not... Hmmm... Also, a slightly silent lock? Why not just a silent lock?

"Sister. Please tell me. What is going on?"

Now can we have some exposition?

"Go away!" Her gaspy voice yelled through the wood."I don't want to talk to anyone right now. Just...just leave me alone"

Damn... Also, I think you meant "raspy" voice.

"How? Why!!!" She yelled out to no one "HOW DOES SHE DO IT!? WHY DOES EVERYONE LOVE HER? SHE HARMS, MINE IS PRETTIER...mine is prettier..."

Woah there. Slow the fuck down. Who's talking here? We were just walking with Celestia. So, like, is Celestia now having a mental breakdown? Also, what does "she" think is prettier?

So, uhhh, yeah. Not a whole lot was presented to us. Just some dialogue, some screaming, and a lot of confusion over who's talking.

Chapter 2:

First off, you need to make these chapters longer. A bunch of 300 word chapters just tends to piss people off. Moving along.

Awoken by the tap at her door she arose from her bed with tear stains on her cheeks.

Who?

"Who is it?" She asked with still a bit of sorrow in her voice.
"It's Tia"
"What do you want?" Luna replied, the tone in her voice changing to anger as she shakingly got the words out.
"It's time to raise the moon"
"I don't want to anymore. You do it"

Please, establish who's speaking whenever you start dialogue.

"I just don't!" She yelled walking away from the door "Everybody loves you. You're little miss perfect. You can do everything." She repeated muttering under her breath as she continued to walk away.

Wait, wasn't she just in bed? Also, how much of a time skip did we just do? I'm guessing a full day, but it would be nice to have that stated.

She trailed off when she spotted a knife that was used to cut a cake a few days ago.

Okay, shit's getting dark now. Which is fine, but you haven't given us any inclination as to WHY Luna us going down the rabbit hole of depression and despair. What happened to cause this?

So the second chapter came and went with no explanation for, well, anything.

Chapter 3:

"She's better at my job to."

Two, too, and to. Learn to use the proper form.

"Don't do it" Her reflection seemed to say to her. "Think of everyone that loves you"

So now Luna's having a dialogue with... herself? I wonder, if you're having a conversation with a split personality of yourself, does it count as a monologue, or a dialogue... Anyway, Luna argues with herself and smashes a mirror. Cool?

"Princess!Princess!"
"Yes?" She replied
"It's Luna"

I'm guessing we're talking to Celestia.

Chapter 4:

I just wanna say, called it.

So... yeah... there's more shouting and confusion over who's talking, and some shouting, aaaand more shouting...

I'm just gonna cut it off here.

Final Thoughts:
Details. There were almost none. Scenes changed without any transition at all, we never learned why Luna was in such a shitty state of mind, and we probably never will. I mean, where's the story? Right now this things reads like a police audio recording of someone who was arguing with their sibling before sustaining a fatal injury in a jealousy induced rage.

Character actions. You told us a bunch of stuff happened, then some more stuff happened, then bad stuff happened because of the earlier stuff. Woo... Rather than spoon feed your reader, show your reader through descriptions. Describe the setting, the feeling in the room, or even why this is all happening in the first place.

I'm not even going to touch characterization.

So yeah... there you go. Hopefully what was said here can help guide you on your next writing adventure. Just remember, you're only going to get better by practicing . Also, finding an editor or a proofreader can help immensely. Having a second set of eyes is beyond helpful. Also, reading other peoples works can be very beneficial. Learn from the mistakes of others, lest you fall prey to similar literary pitfalls. Anyway, good luck on your future projects.

[black unicorn]

Dear persons,
I am aware that I have made some (alot) of mistakes. With punctuation and description. I will give you clarification as to why Luna is depressed. It is because Celestia is beloved more then Luna is, and Lunas jealousy turned into want she is depressed about. As for the other stuff I will leave it be in this story, but I will try my best to write better next story.

[thechicken95]

The major problem with this story is that it's too short. I don't mean to sound condescending but 400 words isn't exactly a chapter. Hell, anything under 1000 words really isn't. Why? Well in short it creates a lot of pacing problems that will eat your story on the inside. For example, here we have practically no build up as to why Luna is depressed. It's just that she's depressed and blames Celestia for it. That's not enough context for us to know exactly what's going on. Also you need a lot more description, especially for a story of this magnitude. Show us how Luna is feeling. Show us through her thoughts and also by her actions. Don't just tell us. That doesn't get us invested into the story.

Hope this helped!