• Published 2nd Mar 2015
  • 2,492 Views, 58 Comments

SUPER SIRENS!! - Eyeswirl the Weirded

Showdown between the Rainbooms and the Dazzlings! And then some other crud.

  • ...

Your Hair Is Basically Chuck Norris

Aria and Sonata briefly paused their game of balancing Q-tips on their noses when they heard the door slam, Adagio trudging in with a tired look on her face.

"What's up, Dagi?"

She sighed. "That stupid movie... people are still cracking jokes about my 'giant, murderous' hair!"

Shrugging, Aria crossed her arms. "Could that be because it works as a fully functional beehive? I mean, I haven't seen your swarm lately, but-"

"I told you, they went to go live on a farm," her eyes narrowed, "and if that beekeeper knows what's good for him, he'll make sure they want to stay."

Smiling, Sonata leaned over to whisper to Aria. "Bee-Mama still cares."

"What was that, Sonata?"

"Heehee! Nothing, just, you can't really blame 'em, right? I mean, your hair is pretty crazy all by itself."


Aria snickered. "Yea, I'm pretty sure someone sitting behind you in class was almost smothered to death."

"Because she wouldn't stop sniffing me! It's hardly my fault that people have no self-control! Or lung capacity!"

Sonata snorted. "Adagio's hair is so powerful, it lures people to their deaths!"

"Oh, very fu-"

Aria was giggling. "And when they get close, it stretches out and saps their life energy!"

"Girls!! You know that Sunset braided it not too long ago?"

"Yea, but I'm sure she'll walk again some day."

Adagio facepalmed. Sonata smiled wider.

"Adagio's Hair doesn't get combed, combs get Adagio's Hair."

Aria joined. "Every time Adagio walks by barber shops, they turn out the lights and pretend no one's home."

"A runaway truck once rammed into Adagio from the back. The driver didn't make it."

"Her hairband is only there as a warning, it doesn't actually restrain anything."

Adagio pulled up a chair as they went on.

"When Adagio's Hair is washed, rats in the sewers the water goes to get ripped with muscles!"

"Adagio's shampoo is a blend of jet fuel and liquefied sharks!"

"Adagio's Hair is super curly because she has yet to see a mate worthy enough to make Adagio's Hair straighten out!"

"Wind doesn't blow on its own, it shudders and squirms across the world when Adagio's Hair moves!"

"Adagio's Hair doesn't need to be brushed, Adagio's Hair just likes to remind brushes of their place!"

"One of her bangs once broke both a man's arms in an arm-wrestling contest!"

"Followed by the arms of everyone that saw it!"

"Adagio's Hair does not just keep those that touch it warm, Adagio's Hair actively tells the coldness to piss off, and coldness listens!"

"Adagio's Hair is so soft that it's come full-circle and became completely indestructible!"

"Adagio can't wear hats, because there can be only The Fluff!"

"Hairdryers are but a leisure delight to amuse Adagio's Hair, and are turned off when Adagio's Hair is satisfied!"


"When Adagio walks by, bald people shudder in fear and cover their privates!"

"Adagio does not bleed when cut, Adagio's Hair just springs out of the wound to eviscerate the attacker before sealing the wound again!"

"Perms are a primitive, pagan mimicry of Adagio's Hair!"

"Wigs only exist because Adagio's Hair allows it!"

"Adagio once went to a circus, where the clowns challenged Adagio's Hair. All were consumed."

"And three days later, Adagio's Hair gave birth to Pinkie Pie!"

"Every fluffy thing in the universe has Adagio's Hair as a common ancestor!"

"When gum gets stuck in Adagio's Hair, Adagio's Hair starts chewing the gum until the gum mysteriously vanishes!"

The doorbell rang, Adagio getting up to answer it.

Sunset stood in the doorway. "Hi, guys!"

"Hi, Sunset!"
"Hi, Sunset!"

Adagio gestured to their guest. "And as you can see, she's walking on her own legs." A raised, worried eyebrow from Sunset drew a deadpan reply. "They've been acting like my hair is some kind of monstrous demigod and I wanted to prove that you weren't mangled for braiding it."


Aria and Sonata giggled together.

"Adagio's Hair does not get tangled, it just makes rope!"

"Adagio's scalp is more secure than Fort Knox!"

"Adagio's Hair does not get wet, Adagio's Hair just holds water hostage for a while!"

"Adagio doesn't work out; just standing up with Adagio's Hair makes her stronger than most body-builders!"

"Someone once tried to cut Adagio's Hair with a pair of scissors, and after days of bemoaning the loss, they decided to replace their missing arm with a prosthetic!"

Adagio clenched her jaw a little as the two laughed, only getting more annoyed when Sunset cleared her throat.

"Adagio's Hair..." Folding her arms behind her back, Sunset smiled sheepishly. "smells nice."

Dead silence. When Adagio, idly twirling a lock of hair around one finger, looked to the other two for a comment, she saw only a pair of signs reading Gone Fishin'. She looked back at Sunset, who continued to wear a self-conscious grin and an increasingly nervous blush.

"Y-you know," Sunset whispered, "I can hold my breath for a long time..."

For about an hour, Adagio's Hair went straight.

Author's Note:

Someone once asked if this story was basically a repository for jokes about Adagio's Hair, so I feel like this is the logical conclusion. That was every Chuck Norris-esque joke I could think of for her hair. Got any of your own? :pinkiehappy: