How? She's so…not like me. She hides behind her books all day, and she's a total nerd! I'm the captain of the volleyball team, and I'm popular. We're so different…yet so alike. And I can't help but want to kiss her. Is that…wrong?
Chapters (3)
TheLadyTwilight
Joined 10th Apr, 2014 ·
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31.media.tumblr.com/8939ee29b8a805b984a7d75714121b4b/tumblr_inline_njya3akFL51t7oi6g.gif
I am indeed interested.
you call my attention
static.comicvine.com/uploads/original/11115/111150904/3803111-4527376317-full..gif
*watches!*
Blue hair? Is there something off with the lighting in the room, did Rarity give her hair dye, or...?
Looks like the girls aren't exactly friends yet. Anyways, this looks interesting, and I look forwards to seeing what you do with this.
Anyways, if you aren't too attached to it I have a couple of suggestions for a more... MLP-ish cover, if you don't mind.
derpicdn.net/img/2013/9/22/432828/large.png
derpicdn.net/img/2014/4/23/608205/large.jpeg
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/6/8/648126__safe_solo_twilight+sparkle_humanized_equestria+girls_book_sitting_frown_reading_books.png
derpicdn.net/img/2014/7/6/668474/large.png
5687285
yes, thank you! Cover updated!
-Twi!
5687355 Oh good, that was my favorite.
Not a problem!
There wasn't really enough here to get me hooked/wanting to read more. Not a lot happened, and there wasn't enough to really establish itself as a story, either in plot or character. This first chapter really needed to be longer than the bare minimum.
Please continue the story, it looks really promising and awesome
Why does Twilight apparently have a boy's haircut? You going for the butch lesbian look? Also, using the love-at-first-sight trope, even a milder version, is still bad form. Never understood why people like it; it's horribly unrealistic and cliché.
...Why do you keep having Rainbow refer to Twilight as a 'him'?
she?
Another great chapter.
5691100
Yeah, it's getting odd.
As for the story... it's really over-dramatic, like the author is trying to force more emotion into it than is appropriate. It's hard to explain, but it's definitely a bad thing. Oh, and this was hilarious:
So many things. First, thinking clothes being soft is noteworthy as if hard clothes (pfft) are the norm. Like, 90% of people wear "soft" clothes. Really, the only stuff I can think of in the way of casual wear that wouldn't be soft are things like denim jackets and leather, which are fairly uncommon compared to T-shirts and blouses.
Second is how much Dash drew from this. her observations and conclusions are outlandish, and I can only say it's a god thing that you at least had her realize this. Still doesn't change how forced this crush is so far; even fleeting crushes don't form this fast.
Anyway, I guess this just isn't my cup of tea; I prefer my romance believable.
5691441
You know what? You're absolutely right. This was just a little something i whipped up to help me break my writer's block, and i know it sucks very, very badly. If this comment gets enough upvotes, i'll just delete it and pretend this never happened.
-Twi!
5691497
Without ever actually looking at the story, even if it's terrible, I encourage you not to for two reasons.
First, pretending a story you don't like never happened means you won't learn from it.
Second, and more importantly, you've got people who clearly enjoyed this. If nothing else you can admit it's bad and still be happy for those people who did get something out of it.
5691497
Too many people on this site take this stuff WAY too seriously. Just try to take it all in stride.
I like it.
You need to re-check your spelling. Badly. I mean you have incomplete words all over the place which makes it extremely hard to follow.
What happened? I didn't see you state Twi was genderbendered in the description, I was prepared for lesbian romance and got hetero romance...that I stopped reading when I figured out Twi was male in this. Edit:(about 2 weeks later thanks for pointing it out Gentle Spy) I did not read past that point. I apologize.
5735072 Twi isn't a boy. She just has a boy's haircut (I think). It says she's a girl at the end of the chapter.
So denial, right? She's in denial over liking a girl so she denies her entire gender and associates her as a he.
5816663 Okay, its just that I swear it kept saying him...either that or I didn't read far enough.
I really like the idea behind this, but the execution could seriously use some work. My biggest piece of advice would be to find a proofreader (just put proofreader in the search bar, as there are several groups on this site), because this story desperately needs one. There are several grammar issues, Rainbow constantly referring to Twilight as he instead of she makes no sense, and for some reason Twilight seems to be the only one who is remotely in-character. Rarity's absolute rudeness is especially surprising, and really makes zero sense.
5691441
Being overly dramatic is definitely a pretty big issue with this story so far. Yeah, Rainbow has a crush on Twilight (and apparently absolutely none of this has anything to do with MLP since Equestria isn't actually involved), but why all these other weird things, such as Rarity being so mean spirited?
5691497
Why on Earth would you drop this at the first sign of constructive criticism?
Like I said, the idea itself is pretty interesting. The actual story so far is also entertaining to read, aside from the issues I mentioned before. If you got a proofreader to help out, fixed the grammar a bit, and did some work fixing up the lackluster characterization (for pretty much everyone aside from Twilight), then this would be a great story. There's no reason for you to drop it the moment people try to help by pointing out possible improvements.
5692052
Hug-boxes absolutely suck and do nothing but cause the author in question to stagnate. There is absolutely nothing wrong with providing constructive criticism for a story, and to say otherwise is to basically say that no one should ever try to improve their abilities.
Madam, where is another part? I need another part to this. And I need it in like... how long you got?
cant wait for the next update
Welp, I suppose these wasnt done on purpose, was they(what the hay, rly???)&
Im not sure if i get it right, or, either way, you just messed with it.
Cant be sure. Probably, it's not as good, as it's bad, honestly.
And after finishing this, I've checked profile... ooook, let it be there anyway
Sorry man here's a taco but those damn pronouns
i dont get it
I mean, I really like this but damn. I know you banged this out to flatten some writer's block but if you're going to publish, make it presentable.
Aside from the grammatical and editing errors this story has a lot of thing's going for it. I like Rainbow's point of view, and you've nailed the dialogue for the characters, which is harder than it sounds. Good job please continue?
I need more of this pair. Even an infinite amount is not enough.
its been a long time since you updated