- Member Since 2nd Nov, 2014
- offline last seen April 4th
Jubilee Glider
Still writing occasionally. Still love the show. I might post something again one day. We'll see.
Jubilee Glider
Joined 2nd Nov, 2014 ·
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I love it
I think this needs an editing pass. A load of the dialog, especially Rainbow Dash, doesn't sound in character. Also what the heck is up with "ay" as a replacement for "I?" That's worse than "ah."
It's not going to be an orgy? Oh well.
I want more
"Ah" would be the proper "I" for AJ's accent, and this is coming from a Southerner. This Ay business has to go.
Rainbow Dash sounded almost like Rarity at times. From what you've got here she should be moving between brash and arrogant as usual, and meek and submissive. But still herself.
5817345
I could definitely use an editor. If you know of one that is taking on new projects, please let me know.
I had concerns about them being too out of character, and consulted TwilightUCrazy about it. I was informed that this whole situation is quite out of character if you think about it and that it should be fine.
5817345
5817628
I have seen AJ's accent written in many different ways. Ay, Aye, Ah. I feel that 'Ah' is the sound that you make when the doctor asks to check your throat and tongue. That is the reason that I did not use it. I live in Florida and have many 'Southern' friends, but I did not consult with them as to how I should write their accent. Sorry.
I think that when it comes to sex and the throws of passion, we all can sound like Rarity.
Wouldn't you agree?
This is only my opinion and I apologize if it ruined the story for you.
I really appreciate the feedback though. Thank you!
5817508
Unfortunately it may be a bit before the next chapter comes out. But I do believe there will be more to come. 
The writing has been slow in coming lately.
5818162
Actually, during sex we tend to somewhat regress, thus the whole 'feral' aspect of intercourse dramatized throughout history. We don't suddenly sprout an enhanced vocabulary, we become more instinctual. My issue with Dash is and was the same problem that many writers have with her and Scootaloo. Their vocabulary seems to expand almost randomly, or is enlarged consistently as if they were another character altogether. While this may be your intent, I cannot personally see the reason for it. Their specific speaking quirks and levels of vocabulary practically define each of them as characters and as speaking partners in dialogue.
As for the accent, in the preceding story with Rainbow Dash and Applejack, you wrote it properly as "Ah" (the example with the dentist would have been "Ahhh", with the latter part dragged out rather than the short "Ah", which is a similar sound to the Ahhh and Ay, but somewhat of a mix between) but you switched to 'Ay' for no visible reason for this story. Ay is pretty much never how you write down 'I' as an accent because Ay is the sound of the letter/word 'I' when an accent is not being employed, and I believe 'Ay' is actually a word in one or two languages on its own, thus creating confusion.
I realize you might want to keep things like this for personal reasons, and that's fine. But I am trying to impress why people who dislike these points will not enjoy when Rainbow or Applejack speak and that they take a reader who understands these oddities you've implemented out of the story.
5818162 First off, here you go
Secondly, I'm gonna have to ignore the whole "The whole situation is out of character" thing entirely I'm afraid. That's kind of a copout argument. The fact of the matter is that you have to accept the inherent conceit of the situation for the story to work at all. That aspect of OOC-ness needs to be ignored entirely. Once you've done that you have to examine the characters to see if they seem consistently themselves. And they don't hold up to that level of rigor. Let's look at an excerpt.
This sounds more like Rarity than Rainbow Dash. I cannot fathom the idea of Dash saying "Could I trouble you to" in any circumstance. It's very hard to imagine her referring to something with the phrase "some are more mild" also. This is Rainbow "Danger" Dash. Everything about her is "awesome" and "radical" and colloquialisms and contractions and lazy speech.
Also I'm not budging on the "Ay" "I" replacement thing. That's just. Awful. No. God no. If you must use ah-tism, fine. I think accents should be suggested and implied rather than phonetically typed out, but whatever. But "Ay" sounds like a Spanish speaker shouting at their child.
5818725
5819117
Thank you for the link to the 'Looking for Editors' group.
I see your point of how Rainbow Dash would've said those things differently, but I don't think that I will be changing it. Again, I'm sorry it ruined the story for you. I will strive to do better in the future.
I re-read the prequel (which I am not the author) and they used 'I' and not 'Ah' or any variations. So I will actually be going back and changing this to resemble the prequel.
Have a great Easter weekend.
5819117
Dude... harsh much? Being critical isn't the same as being douchey. Lighten up a bit. The way you worded it came across as unbelievably holier-than-thou. Being polite doesn't cost a damn thing.
Applause to Jubilee for taking it with grace.
5820232
This story has already gone way beyond any expectations that I had for it. So, to you, my friend I tip my hat for writing An Unexpected Quickie and inspiring and allowing me to write it's sequel.
Grace? I don't know about that. I just didn't bite. I'm not here to debate my or anypony else's writing. I know mine is far from perfect, and literature was never this dyslexic's strong suite. With only writing for the last nine months out of my forty-two years, I know I have much to improve on. I write my tales 1) to get them out of my head, 2) to share with others, if I feel that they aren't too horrible. That's why I'm here. And to read some very awesome stories written by ponies with way more talent than I have. Including you.
There will always be individuals that don't like what we've written for some reason or another. Some may have valid points and come across as helpful and others... well... not so much. But we have to take the good with the bad, right?
I appreciate the kind words! Thanks!
5820232 I say what I'm thinking and I don't varnish it. At no point did I insult anyone.
That said, my first critique was much shorter and to the point. The conversation was then continued, at which point I elaborated on my feelings. Was I specifically tactful? No. Was I particularly impolite? Eh.
5821591
Again, though, it doesn't take much effort to put forth at least an illusion of social etiquette even if you may not have any to speak of. Critiquing is one thing, which you did do your part in that regard; but on top of that, you added an unnecessary and healthy dollop of rude where there was absolutely no call for it. The same words you said could have been massaged into something much less inflammatory and accomplished the same thing without much effort.
5821221
Doesn't mean that someone shouldn't be called out for being mean-spirited. As I said, criticism is one thing, but there's no reason that it can't be civil and polite.
The ponies you paired together, I ship, AJ + RD, PP + FS, Rarity x Twi Sparkle..Wow
Best fic involving Rarity and Twilight I've read yet!!
6408550
Thank you so very much. None of these ships are my usual ships. So it was interesting writing this.
I'm trying to work on chapter three, but it's slow in developing. It will be finished at some point though. It's the further adventure of Twilight and Rarity.
Thanks again.
Aww, adorable and hot. I love how she comforts her, walking her through it.
Are.all of these horses homosexual or what?
6554614
I don't write about horses. 
Now those I write about. 
Horses?
Ponies.
They are fillyfoolers, yes. At least in this particular story. If that's not what you're looking for then... I don't know what to tell you other than try to find a different story I guess.
This is starting to sound like 'corrective' rape.
Called it! Rarity's a rapist and the rest of the Main 6 are cool with it.
6584335
I guess, depending on your point of view and how out of context you want to take it, consensual sex can be considered rape too. Which is exactly what it sounds like you're trying to do here. Way out of context.
Is Twilight restrained? Nope. Is she being forcibly coerced? Nope. Threatened? Nope. Is she able to leave at any time? Yep.
Nopony forced anything on another pony. Rarity made advances and not being told to stop by Twi she marches forward. She even asks Twi to take over and she tells Rarity to continue. Not sure how that makes it rape. At no point does Twilight ever tell Rarity or any of the others to stop. Nor is she forced into doing something that she really doesn't want to do. She may have been nervous in the beginning, but then starts to really get into it. Seems pretty rapeless to me.
See it how you want, but that is NOT what this story is about. I can point you in the direction of a few that are indeed about just that if you'd like.
6584335 "corrective rape? Really?
There is nothing rapey about this story. Stop being so presumptuous.
6586855
Are you fucking serious? They practically pressure her into having sex when she obviously didn't want it in the first place, also know as raaaaape. Then there's people in Twilight's position where she's never had sex and doesn't want to. Some people are offended because they say that everyone should have sex because it's natural. Now, if that's where it stopped, I'd be okay. But no. What happens is they force that person to have sex with them as a way of 'correcting' that persons view. What actually happens is the victim now links sex to a traumatic experience making them even more less likely to have it ever again.
6586895
Obviously you didn't read the rest of the story then?
Good thing. It might upset you more.
Because she does have sex. AND, god forbid, she enjoyed it.
Whaaa!? How does that happen? Someone enjoying sex. The nerve!
You'll love the next chapter then. What are your feelings about BDSM? I'm more of a bondage only pony myself.
But you are right. Sex is all about pressuring the other party to partake in the act. 99% of first time sexual partners are coerced into it by the other.
So we will go into a first time together scenario shall we. The couple dates, and one wants to have sex while the other is unsure (notice I said unsure). The one will pressure the other until 1) the other gives in; or 2) the other refuses and someone leaves. If we stay on your thought line #1 is rape. Lets say the other decides that they want to proceed and have sex. They still have been coerced into this decision. Again, your train of thought is that is rape. Yet, because the other didn't say no and proceeded to have sex in real life it's not rape. The only time, in your view, that sex not considered rape would be if both parties want to have it equally? And I'm talking first time sex, such as Twilight. It happens in romance novels, but rarely in real life.
When was it obvious that Twilight didn't want it?
And she WAS able to leave at any time.
Which means to me that you must be reading your experience into this story. I am very sorry that something like that had to happen to you, but at no time is anypony remotely raped in my story. Coerced, yes. As are 99% of people/ponies. Raped, no.
6587177
You have fucking won me over with just that sentence.
And that has killed the mood... But if there's BDSM in the future I'm all for it!
6587257
Well... I have to be honest. I have misled you. There is some restraining, but... not BDSM really. I can't give away the chapter. It is still in work at the moment after all.
I also feel I need to apologize. I am rather defensive of my stories. And someone reading into it something that is not meant to be there... well... gets me a bit agitated. Anyway. I do feel bad that you don't like it as much as I would have hoped.
I thank you for reading it anyway.
6587759
Don't worry about it! I'm the exact same way. Also, simply restraining is fine, too. It's only a little lower than full on BDSM, in my book.
6589063
I need to thank you. You inspired me to complete the story. It needs a bit of editing still, but it is for the most part done. I'm not sure how soon the chapter will be posted, but I hope not long. Depends on how editing goes.
So...
Thank you very much.
6589604 Np!
6808126 Thank you!
my my my lunna in on it GIVE US MORE
my my my lunna in on it GIVE US MORE
my my my lunna in on it GIVE US MORE
my my my lunna in on it GIVE US MORE
So, what happen with all them after the potion runs off? or they still have their relationships? What exactly does the potion did??
Will you do a sequel?