• Member Since 5th Nov, 2014
  • offline last seen February 24th

TwiggyFoxel


I am a Brony reading amazing stories on this site.

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Princess Luna has done many things she regrets in her past, most of them being preformed by Nightmare moon. She is now trying to make things right with her subjects that she has wronged those many years ago.

(More tags to come)
This is my first published story, so I would like some constructive criticism, if possible.

Thank you Jubilee Glider for helping me make sure my story was ready

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 6 )

Hello I enjoyed the story, hope you keep it going.

Well I more fueled a fire that already existed.

The more should be dropped. If you want to keep it it should read "Well, more like I fueled a fire that already existed" but I think "Well I fueled a fire that already existed" flows a bit better.

The fighting went on for quite a while.

Is this referring to the fight between Celestia and Luna/Nightmare in the throne room or a larger conflict? If it's just the duel between the two just shorten fighting down to fight. If it's a larger conflict could you clarify as such perhaps saying that it only ended when Nightmare was defeated.

For many years I practice my new nightly powers.

I think practice is meant to be past tense.

I had the spell down to where I could not get it wrong. Even though I could not get my nightmares to work correctly, I did not fret

I'm not entirely sure about this one so sorry if my delicate sensibilities are just nitpicking. It seems that the highlighted parts are something that goes against each other in a speech pattern since they're so close together, "fret" and "correctly" to me seem a bit more formal than "get it wrong". So I'd advise changing "get it wrong" to "fail." It also comes with the added bonus of streamlining the sentence.

I'd very much like to get a second opinion on this one much more so than the others,

I had my powers at full capacity.

You should drop the "I had", it makes the sentence longer and clunkier when it doesn't need to be. Replace it with "were" after "powers".

Also, I'm not a writer so don't trust what I say fully as it is really just my opinion. I hope this helps and why not have a like.

5686303
Thank you for showing me how I could fix/make my story better. :twilightsmile:
Also thank you for the like, favorite and the watch :pinkiehappy:

5686783 I agree with 5686303. I think the small issues that they have pointed out will help the story flow better (I can't believe we missed the 'd' on practice'd' :derpytongue2: ).

'Fail' does seem fitting compared to 'get it wrong'.

After rereading the sentence. I also agree that it would sound better as 'my powers were at full capacity'. It fits the cadence better.

Dropping in to pester you again and ask how it's coming along. :twilightsheepish:

7310548
To tell you the truth, I have not even thought about this story since I posted it. :twilightsheepish: I have no idea when I way start writing this story again... Sorry. :fluttershysad:

7316734
:fluttercry:

It's your choice. Only do it if you enjoy it.

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