• Published 28th Feb 2015
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dC/dt ≠ 0 - I Thought I Was Toast



A look into changeling and pony culture as changelings attempt to integrate and make peace with Equestria.

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The Inevitable (Morpheus) Part 4

I didn’t have the heart to tell Twilight that Rarity already saw through the ruse—or hive forbid, that she might have planned it. Ve figured it would only stress her more, and so kept quiet when Twilight and Cadance rejoined me in the mineral baths.

I simply relaxed and let them do the talking. Ve dozed and let our mind wander from problem to problem. Soon it was time for the massage, and before I knew it we were done and heading back to Castle.

Twilight stopped as we hit an intersection. “Cadance?”

“Yeah, Twilight?” The pink princess tilted her head.

“You head on back.” Twilight waved a wing towards Castle in the distance. “Snow Flurry and I have something we need to do.”

“We do?” I blinked, and she poked me with her horn.

“Yes, we do.” She nodded her head towards the street to our right as if I knew what she was talking about.

Was I supposed to know what she was talking about?

Cadance looked at the street sign, then nodded sagely as if Twilight’s nod had explained everything. “Ah, I see. You’re off to see the princess.”

Alarm bells went off in our head. Princess? Which princess? Process of elimination left only two real choices—three if you count Flurry Heart, but ve were pretty sure Cadance wasn’t quite ready for that. I didn’t even get a message notifying me of any impending visits! It was the least the diarchs could do. Hay, all they really needed was to tell one of my agents in Canterlot and have them tell us through the Hivemind.

Twilight—oblivious to my panic—finished her farewell to Cadance, promising to not take too long. Pulling on my leg, she led me along the road. We weaved between ponies going about their day, and I nibbled their emotions here and there: nothing too big to actually drain somepony, but I was hungry. Twilight stopped us in front of a small blue-grey building, and I blinked at the sign above the door.

Oh. Burger Princess. Ve were not expecting that.

Twilight inhaled deeply and sighed. “Ah… You smell that?”

Ve did indeed. The smell of grease and grilled hay was not one I had ever experienced myself, but many an infiltrator took to fast food as an easy and convenient meal. Rare as they were, they almost always had a mission, so speed was a necessity.

Twilight stood for a moment, reveling in the aroma, then began moving towards the entrance. I followed, and found myself surrounded by ponies tightly packed in booths. The Burger Princess was packed with ponies, and they roared upon our entrance.

“Twilight!”

The Princess of Friendship giggled and waved to everypony before turning to me. “Find a table and I’ll grab us something.” I wanted to know what that something was, but I didn’t get a chance to check as she quickly lost herself in the sea of ponies, heading towards the counter.

Overwhelmed by the sheer concentration of emotions and ponies, ve began erecting small filters for the ambient emotion in the air. There was so much joy from the foals playing with little plastic toys—like greasy fried dough slathered in powdered sugar. Every time ponies sighed in contentment from finishing their meals, it was like a breath of fresh air or a gulp of cool water, a small mercy in the hot, stifling room

Picking my way between everypony, I tried looking for a seat. There was only so much I could do to keep the physical aspect of my guise believable with this many ponies around, though, and that made me jittery. My horn clenched in anxiety as I wove through the crowd—trying to collapse further inward upon itself than it could naturally go—while my stabilization plates locked in place to seal my fetlock cavities with a click.

Making little headway with no table in sight, I sighed, closed my eyes, and sent a pulse of tremorsense through the room. The returning echo was garbled enough that we were sure all the tables in the room were full. There was nothing smooth in the feedback to suggest a lack of ponies.

I snorted, and ve decided it would be prudent to try and find Twilight so we might inform her. Slogging my way towards the counter, I spied the most peculiar sign claiming Burger Princess was Princess Twilight Sparkle approved. It was a larger-than-life cardboard cutout caricature, and it was savagely tearing into an oversized hayburger in a manner less befitting a princess and more befitting a manticore or dragon.

I stopped and stared at it, while ve wondered whether or not it was an exaggeration. Ve had reports from before the wedding that detailed Twilight consuming food with almost predatory abandon, but ve thought it mere hyperbole on the infiltrators part. Even now ve were reluctant to assume such a lack of etiquette on her part, yet I had already seen evidence to the contrary. Just this morning, she had savagely torn into her pancakes with similar abandon.

That was in private, though. This was a public restaurant.

“I see you found my deepest darkest secret.”

I jumped, bumping into a number of nearby ponies also looking for a table. Their food went flying only to be caught in a familiar pink aura. As it settled back on their trays, they gave me a glare before grabbing their food and walking off to continue their search. Turning around, I found Twilight—hoof covering her mouth as she tried to hold back a laugh.

She nodded to the sign behind me, giggling. “And now that you’ve seen it, you won’t be leaving here alive, unless, that is—" she shook one of two very large bags in her grip "—you join my cult.”

I arched an eyebrow. “Princess Twilight Sparkle, goddess of hayburgers, pancakes, and books?”

“Shush, you.” Twilight stuck her tongue out at me. “My worshippers here don’t know I have other cults on the side.”

I eyed the bags, small grease stains spotting the corners. “Ve take it from the bags you realized there aren’t any tables?”

Twilight grinned. “Nope. Bags just carry more than trays, and the place is too packed for how many trays we’d need.” She tilted her head. “Couldn’t find a seat?”

I shook my head, and Twilight sighed, smile faltering. “Darn…. I was hoping to avoid the private table, but that’s been getting harder and harder lately.”

I shrugged, knowing the feeling. “The cost of royal visits.”

She nodded in agreement and gestured toward a door in the back. “Come on then.”

We picked our way through the crowd, Twilight greeting most of the ponies we passed. A couple foals ran up to get autographed Burger Princess toys, while several families invited us to sit with them. It was so nerve wracking that I almost missed the frigid chill in the air.

I glanced around, trying to find the source. “Uh, Twilight?”

“Almost there!” Twilight smiled, trudging on.

The sensation of snow falling—cold and dark and prickly—tingled over my chitin. I felt the chill in both my exo and endo skeleton, and the stifling room started to feel downright glacial. “Twilight?”

The princess didn’t deign to respond.

Finally, just as the feeling seemed like it would freeze me to the floor, we opened the door and slipped inside the surprisingly silent room. The instant we were alone the ice began to melt. Twilight started shuddering, and took a deep breath in. As she pushed the anxiety from her, a wave of warmth pulsed through the room.

“Damn it, Ivory.” She sighed. “Why’d you have to make the Burger Princess a tourist trap? I don’t want to have to retreat to a soundproofed room to eat! I don’t mind doing the princess thing for some ponies, but that… that…”

She waved a hoof in circles, trying to find the words. After a few seconds, she settled for huffing, and set our bags on the banquet table with room for at least twenty ponies. Pulling out enough burgers and fries for two families—let alone two ponies—she sat her haunches on a pillow, unwrapped a burger, and wolfed the entire thing down in three large, ominous, bites.

Noticing me staring—her mouth speckled with drops of crimson ketchup—she waved at the seats around her. “Come on! Pull up a seat! I got a bit of everything, including the fish fillet sandwiches and the bacon cheeseburgers they keep on hand for the occasional griffon.”

I tentatively took a seat, and pulled up a burger. A tentative sniff allowed us to identify that it was, in fact, composed of bacon and steak, making me blink. “You’re alright with me eating meat?”

She shrugged, unwrapping a bacon cheeseburger herself. “There’s a mirror to another world in Castle that turns anypony who goes through it into omnivorous primates. I got used to meat a long time ago—even got a taste for it.”

I blinked as ve tried to process the info.

“Don’t give me that look!” She swatted me with a hoof. “Animals through the mirror aren’t as sapient. I set up some trade between our worlds, and provided a safe, equine, source of meat for restaurants in Equestria.”

“All so you could satisfy your taboo personal tastes?” I balked.

“And the tastes of foreigners like you.” She nodded.

I shook my head before biting into the tender beef. “You never cease to surprise us, Twilight.” Chewing slowly I swallowed, and ve pondered the situation for a moment.

It was time to address the elephant in the room.

“Ve suppose it’s not the pettiest exercise of power ve’ve seen, and it does benefit non-ponies visiting Equestria. Ve still find it surprising, however, to see you and the other princesses exercise such flawless—" I chittered one of our many words for masks. “The more I see of you and the others, the more ve see you acting not as a pony but a changeling, and ve aren’t quite sure what to make of it.”

Twilight choked on her drink for a second, and set her food down in a hurry to bang a hoof on her chest. Coughing, she managed to sputter. “I am so sorry about that. They just want a princess, and I have to be a princess, and—"

I stuck a hoof in her mouth to cut off the frigid and sour taste of building anxiety and panic. “It’s not a bad thing…. Hiding the truth from your friends would be wrong, but you told me, and I assume you’ve told the others?”

Twilight nodded weakly.

“Well, then you’re honest where it matters.” I paused to pop a couple fries and onion rings in my mouth. “What just happened out there?” I waved a hoof at the door. “That was a serious show of loyalty.”

Twilight’s face scrunched. “Loyalty?” The scrunch hardened. “Loyalty?! They’re the ones loyal to me, and I just— just—" She threw her hooves in the air.

Ve paused for a second, debating the proper course of action. Twilight was sniffling, and that needed to be alleviated immediately.

And so I shed my disguise to hug her.

“There is a saying in Chitri.” I kept my voice a quiet thrum. “True loyalty lies not in following another, but in knowing when to leave them.”

The sniffling stopped and she pulled back. The dry wine of her sorrow giving way to orange curiosity. She tilted her head at me, seemed to realize I was hugging her, and back peddled out of my grasp.

“W-what does that mean?” She was blushing, and her emotions were getting all rubbery.

Ve… weren’t sure what to make of that. She hugged her other friends all the time and never got embarrassed. Perhaps ve weren’t good enough friends yet? It was understandable, if lamentable.

“It means that the greatest show of loyalty a changeling can offer is self-sacrifice, knowing when to spend their life for the good of those they care for. I… I entertained the idea—the fancy, really—that that’s what I was doing coming to Equestria to negotiate.”

I shook my head, sighing. “You… you did that taking on Nightmare Moon and Discord.” I pointed a hoof at her. “You almost committed social suicide with nothing more than a hunch about Mother during your brother’s wedding! You, Twilight Sparkle, are a loyal pony willing to do your part. Wearing a mask to hide your uncertainty? Acting the part of princess? That is just another show of loyalty to your subjects—your ponies.”

Twilight stared.

And stared.

And stared.

Finally, she managed another weak smile. “You know, you explained that way better than Celestia did?”

I shrugged, returning to my food. “She’s probably had millennia to get used to it and might have forgot what it was like starting out.” Biting off the last of the bacon cheeseburger, I sank my fangs into a fish fillet sandwich.

Twilight sighed. “Maybe….”

We sat and ate for a bit.

“So…” Ve knew it was best to get the conversation rolling again, so I broke the silence. “You really have a cult centered around fast food?”

Twilight smiled sheepishly, the rubbery taste in the air intensifying. “Not really, thank Celestia for that, but I think I might actually have a couple priests scattered about Equestria.”

I crunched on an onion ring, preparing for a long lecture. “How does that work, anyway? I mean, Cadance is love. Celestia and Luna are the embodiment of the sun and moon. You are magic. Can you actually hear a pony’s prayers?”

Twilight tilted her head, ear flicking. “Well, there’s actually a lot of research that went into that, but most of it isn’t what I’d call valid or reliable.”

“Enlighten me, then.” I smiled, and listened as she began to talk.

“So why the Burger Princess?” It was getting late, and we needed to be going, so I began donning my Wicked Smooth guise. The Burger Princess was busy enough that no pony should notice the swap, and it was safer to do it here compared to some random alley.

Wrappers littered the table.

Somehow, we had managed to finish all the food—mostly thanks to Twilight who had the voraciousness of a carnivore—and she was starting to levitate the trash into the garbage cans, humming as she did so.

“Well,” her tail flicked, “I did say I’d get you dinner. We have to sell the dating thing somehow.”

“But I wasn’t disguised as Wicked coming in here.” I arched an eyebrow.

Twilight stopped, muscles tensing momentarily. “Oh, Celestia, I forgot about that.” She facehoofed. “I guess I just wanted to spend some time with you before heading back. You know, Cadance is going to want you to tell Shining what you are. It isn’t a secret she’s comfortable with keeping for too long.”

She scrunched her face. “Celestia’s also thinking of making the negotiations common knowledge soon, and I think it’d be better if my brother found out from you and me rather than the papers.”

I stared at her, wide-eyed. “He might kill me.” Ve ran the numbers, eyes glossing over. “There’s an uncomfortably high probability that he will kill me.”

Twilight shook her head. “I don’t think he will, but what Cadance said earlier worries me.”

“So you gave me my last supper, and chose Burger Princess?” I grinned morbidly. The absurdity of the idea was just helpful enough to distract me from my potential doom.

“Stop that.” She swatted me with a wing. “I’m just stalling, that’s all. Shining’s my BBBFF. I’m sure he won’t do anything drastic.”

She sure didn’t sound sure, but she was right. It would be better to take care of telling Shining now. We were dangerously close to lying territory, and letting the truth fester there for too long would taint it, making the reveal liable to explode in our faces.

I sighed, opening the door for Twilight as we left. Once more ponies clamoured for her attention, and I followed her unnoticed. That was okay. It gave us time to plan for Shining.

Stepping outside, we found the sky painted with a myriad of oranges signalling sunset. The clouds were cotton candy pink, and a number of pegasi were sitting on them, watching the day end. One white coated pegasus with a frizzy yellow mane had stuck a straw in hers and was noisily slurping away at her seat.

Ve had no idea that was even possible, and I pointed it out to Twilight.

“Yeah, that’s Surprise.” Twilight’s face scrunched. “She’s like a less Pinkie version of Pinkie Pie.”

I whimpered, and ve didn’t question it further. It was unwise to question the ways of the Enigma, after all. Ve did, however, leave a warning in the Hivemind that the Pink Menace might not be the only one of her kind. The idea of an entire subspecies of ponies similar to Reason’s Bane was terrifying, and merited further investigation—preferably from a safe distance with a ten foot pole.

It was walking back to Castle that we began to hear the funeral dirge as upbeat as a woodchipper. Our hooves stomped to a rhythm that ought not to have existed, and I opened my mouth to vehemently curse the day curses were born.

Instead, I found myself singing the first verse of a sure to be draining song. “I’m walking on death row~ Death row~ Death row~ I’m walking on death row, secrets to keep~”

Twilight fidgeted badly, and her tail flicked restlessly, but she couldn’t fight the music. She swayed her hips to the beat, and stomped her steps to the rhythm. “You’re walking on death row~ Death Row~ Death Row~ You’re walking on death row, secrets to keep~”

I pronked backwards, looking at Twilight. “What will I do?~ What will I say?~ Another pony finds out today!~”

“He’s walking down death row~ Death row~ Death row~ He’s walking down death row, secrets to keep~” The stallions of the town were singing in deep rumbling tones, and bells emphasized each enunciation of death row. “He’s walking down death row~ Death row~ Death row~ He’s walking down death row, secrets to keep~”

They did it going about their day too. No pony seemed put off but me and Twilight, and ve wondered how deeply rooted the curse was for Ponyville to find nothing amiss with spontaneous songs. Did they simply get that many heartsongs?

Twilight cringed, looking at the ponies around us, stomping their hooves to the beat. “Just do your best~ That’s all I can say~ For my brother finds out the truth today~”

We had a following now. “He’s walking down death row~ Death row~ Death row~ He’s walking down death row, secrets to keep~ He’s walking down death row~ Death row~ Death row~ He’s walking down death row, secrets to keep~”

The town turned to close their eyes and put their hooves over their ears as I belted out my next part. “What will I do?!~ What will I say?!~ The town will know this changeling someday!~”

With just as much eerie synchronicity, the town all turned to Twilight. “He’s walking down death row~ Death row~ Death row~ He’s walking down death row, secrets to keep~ He’s walking down death row~ Death row~ Death row~ He’s walking down death row, secrets to keep~”

She managed to squeak before her part came up. “Just be yourself!~ That’s all I can say!~ The town will find out the truth someday~”

Castle loomed in the distance, and my stabilization plates clenched and unclenched.

“He’s walking down death row~ Death row~ Death row~ He’s walking down death row, secrets to keep~ He’s walking down death row~ Death row~ Death row~ He’s walking down death row, secrets to keep!~” With a flourish, the town finished – dancing away as if nothing was wrong.

We stood in silence for a moment, the town nonchalantly going about it’s day again.

“Twilight?” I finally opened my mouth when I was sure no song would burst forth.

“Yes, Morpheus?” She squeaked, clearly shaken from the performance.

“Are all the ponies in this town are crazy?” I cautiously took a step forward, wary that it would cause another dance. When I proved it was safe, Twilight followed me.

“They are,” she sighed, “but it kinda grows on you….”

Author's Note:

Have a non-romantic dinner and a totally platonic hug! Because whether or not I now acknowledge the ship, and whether or not it's happening faster than I expected it should still be kinda slow.

Regardless, thanks to Malefactory and reprovedhawk for editting this time. Critique is always welcome, but try to say at least one positive thing amid any negative comments. It may not seem like much, but it can be the difference between a comment appearing to be a senseless bash rather than thoughtful advice.

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