Rainbow Dash has recently felt some new feelings toward a certain orange Earth Pony. She is determined to make her true feelings known, but when the time comes can she bring herself to do it. And with trouble brewing in the Everfree Forest will she even get the chance to express her new love.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I like it so far
there aren't too many writers that actually incorperate events from the episodes and I'm glad you did
have some staches
Really like it ! Hope you continue on with this !
Good story! I'll be watching this.
Please, please continue this!
Glad to see you all like it, don't worry chapter 2 is pretty much done it just needs some fine tuning!
This is really good, I like it
!
I can't wait to read the next one
keep it up, I am enjoying the read.
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/225/400/sweetie%20belle%20that%20is%20beautiful.jpg
*singing* Exposition, exposition, rush it out A! S! AP!
Other than that...it was an ok chapter.
continueeee ;w;
Hmmmm hm hm hm hm. Ever incapable of making generic, positive comments, I'm forced to fall upon my usual tactic of (hopefully!) constructive criticism. Please take this in that spirit.
I'm enjoying the story, but the presentation and characterization could use some work. Honestly, the biggest issue w.r.t. presentation is the paragraph breaks ... either indent or use two line breaks, using a single line break with no indentation is somewhat difficult to read. That's a simple fix.
You seem to opt to use the minimum allowable number of commas, and sometimes fewer than that, which makes the clause boundaries occasionally confusing. If you can't find a good editor, just try to give it a very critical reading for where pauses belong. And there's definitely some awkwardness in the prose due to what I like to call "pronoun hell," i.e. a repetition of names or other identifiers due to a lack of pronouns to fit all the characters in a scene. There are a few places where words are repeated enough that they seem like hiccups in the reading. Swap out repeated names or other identifiers (e.g. "timberwolves" in this chapter) for snippets of descriptive text, it makes everything flow better and can help a lot with pacing too, as well as giving a good excuse to flesh out the scene a bit more.
As per characterization, everything was mostly believable (I seem to recall seeing somewhere where the vocabulary seemed out of character, but I can't find it again), there were just a few bits where I felt some of the less characteristic behaviors weren't explained. e.g., how is it that Rainbow is having so much trouble expressing her feelings for Applejack, but telling the same to a third party seems almost trivial? The relevant lines just went by too fast, they could use a bit more explanation of the emotion to make things clearer. I hope you don't think it too brash of me to rewrite the relevant lines to show you what I mean:
Twilight’s eyes lit up. “Oh Rainbow, did you find a special somepony?" There was a friendly deviousness in her manner, as she lightly prodded Rainbow's shoulder. "Who's the lucky stallion?”
“Well, uh, that’s kind of the problem, it’s not exactly a stallion." She cringed, a part of her fearing the repercussions of her next words. Gathering up her courage, she pushed that feeling aside and continued. "It's Applejack."
Her gaze fell to the floor momentarily. She didn’t say anything more, but looked up at Twilight, waiting for the unicorn's response.
Almost exactly the same same dialog, but by just moving some of the emotive behaviors about, Rainbow's earlier fears are acknowledged without getting in the way.
I sincerely hope you don't consider this negatively, I just hate to see a good story suffer from the little things.
>>Clavier
I think that you apologize way too quickly. At no point in time while reading your critique did I feel offended or put down. Most of what you said I completely agree with, and I know the problem. I do need an editor that can take what I wrote and see the things that you saw. For now I will look back at the points that you brought up, but what I really need is another person to critically look at it. And thank you again for the fair and honest review!
604337
Fairly certain I never apologized per se
>>Clavier
Thank you either way! Hey, you aren't by chance available for editing are you?
So epic keep it up please
i'm liking this.
and i may not be available all the time, but i can edit.
bravo! this story just keeps getting better! keep up the good writing!
How cute. As stated before, great story, great writing.
this was a great chapter to edit. i thank you for trusting me.
once again, this story only gets better.
have my thumbs.
Bravo. I enjoyed it as always. Thank for the update.
Now that was a good story!
Very much enjoyed. Thank you!
Thanks for sharing. A pitty it's finished now!
My good sir finally a fiction ending i wont be like "THAT'S how you ended it no"
you are a champion my friend
yeah, it was a good story even before editing. i'll tell you, i had almost nothing to change. i think i added maybe four commas in the last two chapters, but that's it. you, good sir, have a talent. i expect to see you on the NY Times bestselling alongside me.
, just sad it's over. 
great ending,
Ahhhhh....that was some satisfying AppleDash. It is my favorite ship, after all.
It was really short and fast-paced, however, and I keep getting the feeling that I would have enjoyed it more if it was longer. This aside, I still really did enjoy this. Nice and heartwarming. I would love to see a sequel.
I wonder what the reaction will be when Scootaloo suddenly realises that Rainbow and AJ's marriage would make her Applebloom's niece.
1192828 oh my god, that would be hilarious!!!! But think how sweetie belle might feel?
Man, I keep finding more and more stories I've read on DeviantArt on here. Well, this is a good place to re-read this
Moved a bit fast, otherwise It's pretty good, I liked it
Witchcraft! You too damn good at this! My feels!
That was aawesooommeee
the ending is sooo sweet
pls make a Sequel
this was amazing! great work.
