• Member Since 7th May, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 18th, 2014

JL-Hero


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The celebrations for the royal wedding are over and a bright future seems to come for Equestria, but a certain character doesn't think so. And he hopes that with Twilight's cooperation, he will be capable of preparing and protecting the entire world from the evil that he knows is to come.Will Twilight be able to fulfill her role to save Equestria, or will it fall into ruins from the darkness that approaches?

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 20 )

Intriguing but also confusing. Maybe it would help to get an editor or a pre-reader. The idea sounds really cool though.

I agree with the above posts. If you truly want to write in a professional, serious manner, then you can easily find a pre-reader. There's many on this site willing to help. The premise has potential, but your technical mistakes really do shy away from the core experience.

571352 that's incredibly...! ... ODD i was writing it on microsoft WORD and anytime the program pointed a grammar error, i correct it inmediately:twilightoops: and i even edited like 4 times before submitting it! :rainbowderp: but i think that may i indeed need an editor :applejackunsure:

572481
It's great that you used word! However, it isn't always to be trusted. Word processors aren't people, after all. They can get really finicky and don't have nearly the same reliability as an actual person would. While editing your own work is always a big plus as well, it's a lot easier for a stranger to pick up mistakes than the author is able to, as they don't already have a perception on how the story should go.

Try looking at the available writer's support groups that are floating around the site here. :pinkiehappy: Like I said, there's a lot of people that are experienced with pre-reading.

I think i know who it is:moustache: but otherwise it an interesting story:duck:

Well, the idea is there, but because so much of the dialogue seems to bleed together with the story elements, not to mention the run on sentences, it makes it hard to really focus on the story at hand.

You really desperately need a pre reader and/or an editor.
Aside from that, the concept and general idea is pretty cool and pretty good.
Doesn't save it from a thumbs down though, sorry :-/

593420 i dont live in the U.S.A i am a mexican brony who despite my shitty-ass english, i took the risk of writing an entire fanfic, so i think you can atleast cut me some slack

i do everything i can, i use microsoft word to make pre-writings, i confirm every sentence by translating it with google translator (even the google translator makes sensical words when i translate the words i write), i ask for help at the authors' help group, so, i can't understand when the hell am i going to get it right?

596564 Still, do what they teach us Americans in English class: pre-read and edit more than once. Still, if you want, I could edit it for you. Other than that, the idea is pretty cool.

991338

she has never been a twimp, remember that time when she faced Nightmare Moon all alone? Discord is just going to make her focus that bravery and magic power

1005117 That same bravery That she showed in Lesson 0? :twilightoops:

1005349 and why do you think that she needs to prepared? she has the courage inside her but she forgets it very easily. :applejackunsure:

1007468 Well, I can believe that. She easily forgets she can teleport. A lot XD :facehoof:

1007849 Isn't everypony scared of something. Also in "Lesson 0" it was more of an obsessive thing then a lack of courage seeing as how she tried her best to locate a problem. Also she went to see Celestia after seeing how disappointed her idol was with her behavior without expecting her friends to back her up. I'd say she's pretty noble and brave:coolphoto:

Get your facts straight if your going to mock somebody else's favorite MLP:FIM pony you, foal.

Pros:
-The story is compelling and easy to read, albeit a little confusing at times.
-The character relationship development in the story and Silver/Discord being a 'changing' character is rather interesting.
-The custom version of Discord's past uses some logic so it makes the reader question their knowledge.
-Personally I find that the you show great effort, making an English story when you've grown up in a Spanish speaking community.

Cons:
-Connected to the last pro... You do tend to have grammatical mistakes.
-It has gotten better but some of the writing in the first few chapters seemed...confusing when I read it. An English prereader or collaborating with another willing author can help.
Example of this -
It wasn't exactly near, but it is one of the best, they said. And so the colt headed to nearly the center of Ponyville when he finally got to the library that was owned by Twilight. He stood for a moment and thought
/):derpyderp2:(\
-After revealing his true self in Ch.4 you should refer to Discord as Discord in the following chapters. The only time not to is if there is somepony being mentioned, unaware of the secret. Example - Only Twilight and Discord in pony form talking to each other, use Discord. Twilight and Discord in pony form, are in a public place talking, use Magic Silver.

Overall
I love the story and hope to see how it continues to evolve. Please keep working on your writing and never give up!:rainbowdetermined2:

Nice to see this story is still active, can't wait for the next part.

"Strange mix of you, Twilight, and Princess Celestia only that he was a male."

Also much balder. And French. But he talked with an absolutely MAGNIFICENT British accent...

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