Sensation (SFW Version)

by Vivid Syntax

Chapter 8 - Running on Empty

I lay there, staring at the ceiling for... forty-five minutes, maybe? Could have been shorter, could have been a few hours. My body was exhausted, but I wasn't sleepy. My chest and limbs were numb, and I wouldn't have gotten up if my back hadn't been killing me. With a moan and a stretch, I stood up and put the picture back on the table. I took another hard look at it, but Dad stayed silent this time. I still smiled, though. Just a little. Just for a second.

But then I caught sight of the couch. The foreleg rest was bucked almost completely off. Seeing it broken didn't make me sad, really, or even disappointed. Just... you know when you wake up with a hangover in bed with a mare whose name you can't remember? It was like that. It was realizing, 'Yeah, that happened. I did that.'

The rest of the room didn't look any better. The bookcase I'd bought a week earlier was barely standing, the lamp had a giant crack down the middle with a large chunk missing, and the painting I'd gotten from an ex had a hole in it. I tried to make a joke, tried to laugh at myself for being so stupid, but I choked on the words.

I walked over to the bookcase and cautiously stepped over the splinters that littered the floor like they were landmines. The room had this creepy stillness, and I recoiled when my hoof nudged one of the larger pieces of wood. I surveyed the mess again, my jaw tense. Maybe it all seemed pointless, or maybe I was just feeling lazy after the morning I'd had, but something kept me from cleaning anything up. My voice came out barely above a whisper, but it still cracked. "This can wait." Nopony responded.

My chest was tight and my stomach was knotted. The room felt cold, but I was sweating. I looked down at my uniform. It was wrinkled. The gold medals and sewn-in patches mocked me, and memories of award ceremonies flooded into my head. It felt perverse, wrong. My skin crawled under the shirt, and I felt tears start to well up in my eyes again. As quickly as I could, I sat down and pulled the shirt over my head, flinging it inside-out onto the busted couch. I didn't deserve to wear that uniform, I thought, not then, and maybe never again. Pressure built up in my head while my shirt laughed at me from its resting place.

I turned around. I couldn't handle looking at that room anymore, so I dashed into the entryway, grabbed my saddlebag from the closet and trotted back to the kitchen. There wasn't much food left – just some alfalfa and a few dry snacks – but I figured I had plenty of bits to cover lunch. My house was constricting me, and just breathing in there felt like work. My knees shook as I rushed outside.

The cool spring air was a huge relief. After some deep breaths, I was comfortable again, but I didn't dare look back as I closed the door behind me. My wings stretched out and lifted me into the sky with a quick flap. I forced myself to fly slowly. It felt wrong, but I worried that if I let myself go nuts, I'd, well, go nuts.

I was barely keeping it together as it was. 'You're fine, Soarin',' I thought. 'It's not the end. You're still one of the best fliers in the world.' My wings stretched out, and I glided on a warm air current. 'You just might not be a Wonderbolt anymore.' I wrestled with that thought. Spitfire told me that it was just a break, and I hadn't officially been cut yet. Part of being a Wonderbolt, though, is being ready for the worst, and I realized I had to mentally prepare myself in case it really was the end.

I didn't know what 'preparing myself' even meant, though. Once I was out of grade school, I had enlisted. I'd never known what life was like outside of the tight schedule of the squad, but there I was: a stallion with no direction and almost no connections to anything. 'What am I even going to do with all my time?'

The sun had warmed up the air, and the clouds beneath me sparkled. I heard some giggling and saw two fillies – a blue one and her green friend – playing tag, looping around in the air with all the grace you'd expect from a young flier. Part of me wanted to join them, to go back to being a colt again. Maybe they were playing hooky like me.

"Hey, that's Soarin'!" Gotta love the fans. The blue one fluttered toward me, smiling wide. "Mister Soarin'! Do the lightning thing!" She landed on a cloud below me, and her green companion wasn't far behind. They hopped in place and gave me a super cute, wide-eyed look. "Pleeeeeeease?" It was adorable, and it took my mind off of everything else.

So, I did the lightning thing. Dude, you should have seen their faces! They were so excited. Impressing an audience always makes me smile, no matter the size. They kept heaping praise on me, asking how they could be a Wonderbolt. I ate it up until the green one cuddled up to me and said, "I wish you were my dad."

I froze. I wanted to be a mentor for her. I really did. I wanted to tell her that she should be happy for what she had. That her dad loved her. That she was lucky to still have ponies in her life that cared about her and hadn't abandoned her. Instead, they got a weak, "S... stay in school, kids." UGH!

My stomach growled while I jetted off, and I face-hoofed myself when I was a few hundred feet away. My cheeks were probably flushed, so I just focused on my hunger. I remembered the last time I'd been that hungry, which of course made me wonder if Braeburn was okay.

* * * * *

Soarin' sits across the table from me. The melting ice dances in the long glass as he swirls it around, transfixed by the movement of the frozen water and the soft, tinkling music that it makes.

I gulp down the last of my Long Island, a watered-down remnant of its former glory, but it's still the best thing I've had in a long time. The glass knocks against the table as I set it down, and Soarin' is broken from his hypnosis. He looks at me attentively, and even though I wasn't trying to get his attention, I feel the need to say something. "Those few hours with that cowpony really had an effect on you, didn't they?"

Soarin' smiles and looks back down at his glass. "Yeah. He was... somepony to talk to. He didn't judge me, and I felt connected to him in a way I hadn't with anypony else in a long time." He tips his glass back into his mouth and crunches on some of the ice. "Heh. Really bucked that up, didn't I?"

The hell do I say to that? Yes? No? Don't worry, it's fine – you merely shot yourself in the hoof when you stormed out while simultaneously hurting the feelings of somepony you cared about?

Luckily, he notices my empty glass. "You want another one? I don’t have any tea-infused vodka left–" THAT'S what it was! "–but I can mix you something else."

I probably shouldn't be drinking on the job, but given how much I'd loved the last one, I'm eager to taste what else he can mix up. Still, his liquor cabinets looked almost empty, so I give an insincere reply. "I don't want to drink all your booze."

"Naaaah, it's fine." He waves a hoof at me. "It's old, and I need to get rid of it anyway. Might as well share."

"Then sure. Thanks!"

Soarin' takes my glass and returns to the cabinet. His head tilts to the side as he examines the meager selection of alcohol and mixes, and I take the opportunity to grab my equipment from the other room. I take out my notepad just as he turns around, giving my supplies a reflexive sneer that makes me feel bad about taking notes at all.

He walks back to the table with our drinks – something bright blue – and continues.

* * * * *

There's this awesome restaurant in downtown Cloudsdale. They make breakfast any time of the day, and they get the best ingredients from all over Equestria. I get one of their spinach and rosewater energy shakes whenever practice has been especially grueling. It's stable and always the same, something that's there waiting for me. It's no surprise that I wanted to get some grub there that day.

I flew high through the city, dodging skyscrapers made out of cloud and keeping away from the bustling streets below. Fortunately, I didn't have to go too deep into downtown to get to the Bad Sun Rising café, and the sign above the door was easy to spot. Originally, it had shown a red-eyed Princess Celestia looking hungover, but after a visit from some government agency, they repainted it to be a generic unicorn. It didn't have quite the same effect.

I dove down to street level and managed to duck in the door without anypony noticing me. A bell jingled as I walked in, and the smell of all those veggies and spices cleared my head. I walk right past the empty hostess' podium to my usual spot – a booth with gold padding that sat next to the window. The whole place had that rustic feel of a diner that the earth ponies love so much, but it was all too clean to be authentic. Keeps you from getting sick, as least. It felt cozy, though. The walls were decorated with old, elegant art that probably meant a lot to somepony, and the warm colors made you feel at home. If my mom had ever cooked, I bet that's what the kitchen would have felt like.

The place was calm. Only two other tables had customers, all pegasi. An overweight grey stallion picked at his teeth as he put a few bits onto his table, which was stacked high with dirty dishes and used napkins. He shuffled off a moment later past the other patrons, a middle-aged pegasus couple. The stallion's orange coat and blonde mane were a nice contrast to the mare's pink and dark blue, and it looked like they were just finishing up their meal, too.

"Morning, Soarin'! What can I get you?" A cream-colored pegasus with a yellow mane fluttered to my table. She kept a very friendly face, but the way she lidded her eyes told me she hadn't forgotten our last encounter.

"Helloooo, Hollandaise." I leaned on one hoof and gave her a coy look. "You're looking hot as ever. New haircut?" I knew it wasn't.

"You're sweet." She chuckled and smiled back. "No, just styling it a little different." She wasn't. "We've got an orange almond salad on special if you'd like."

"Nah, the usual's fine." I push an unopened menu to her to take away.

"Coming right up, Sugar." She sauntered away, swaying her hips a little for my benefit. Hollandaise was thoughtful like that. Good waitresses should always take care of their customers' needs.

The shake and garden wrap came quickly, like always, and I dug in. It was high-quality, fresh, aaaaaand.... not what I wanted. It didn't satisfy. I found myself chewing my food slowly and taking little sips of my shake. It all tasted flat, boring. Everything should have been as delicious as ever, but it was like I'd lost my ability to taste.

My eyes wandered back to the other couple. I reeled a bit when I saw they were both staring directly at me with broad smiles. Right away, I knew what was up. 'Okay,' I thought. 'Celebrity mode. Here we go.' They pushed back from their table and sauntered over to me, not breaking eye contact. I leaned back in my booth, smiling at them.

The stallion spoke up as he neared the table. His voice shook a little, and I knew he could gush at any moment. "M-Mister Windsong?"

"Thaaat's me!" I leaned forward on the table and spread my wings out behind me for extra effect. I figured, if they were going to fan-gasm anyway, why not give them a story to brag about to their friends? "What can I do for the handsome stallion and his lovely companion today? And you both really do look ravishing." I blew a kiss in their direction and heard one of them squeak. No idea which one, but the mare looked like she was about to burst.

The stallion grinned and his voice fluttered. "Oh, my. Well, my wife and I–"

"I'm Cobalt Breeze and I am SO happy we ran into you!" She threw her front hooves on the table, rattling the plates, and leaned in closer. I hadn't seen her blink yet. "This is SUCH an honor and I cannot BELIEVE how LUCKY we are!" She practically shouted every few words. "Sunburst and I never thought we'd run into anypony famous."

I leaned back to give myself some space. I'd had this conversation a thousand times, so I sort of went into auto-pilot. "Well, I'm lucky, too! I've got the greatest fans in the world, and I love getting to chat with you outside of the shows." That wasn't always true, but on that day, it was a huge relief to know that some ponies still liked me.

Sunburst practically danced in place. "Really? Wonderful!" Encouraged by my words, he sat down opposite me in the booth, followed closely by Cobalt Breeze. "I hope we're not bothering you too much. We loved you at the Fillydelphia show, and, well, when are we going to get another chance like this, right?"

Cobalt Breeze chimed in, cheeriness oozing out of her. "HE didn't want to come over at all." She nudged Sunburst with a hoof, but the stallion just smiled and rolled his eyes. "He said you were probably BUSY, but I TOLD him you looked like you could use some company at the table."

"I didn't want to disrupt your quiet moment." He sounded a bit defensive, but his smile never faded. "I'm sure you hardly get any time alone."

My brain didn't know what to do, so I laughed. 'Alone.' The word echoed in my head, and I had to force myself to keep smiling. "It's fine," I spat. An awkward silence hung in the air at my abrupt response, so I took the conversation by the reins. "Where are you from?" I was happier speaking directly to Sunburst, and my ears silently thanked me.

"We live out by Fillydelphia. We're on a little vacation to do some sightseeing this week."

Cobalt Breeze waved a hoof. "Of course, we're heading over to Manehatten in a few days. I love this time of year. Never too early, I always say. We've been big fans ever since you came out and visited our little town." I couldn't follow her rambling, but at least she'd settled down.

I nodded with a sigh, feeling more at ease. "Yeah, that was a great show. First time Spitfire and I had tried the Helix Cloudburst. Turned out pretty well, I think, but what really matters is whether you enjoyed it."

"Oh, we LOVED it!" I winced. "It certainly made us lifelong fans. Hopin' we can see that little move again at Friday's show."

My eyes went wide, and the sides of my mouth drooped. Something icy wrapped around my heart.

Sunburst put a hoof around Cobalt's shoulder and nuzzled her before turning back to me. "We've got lower-level tickets – the seats with the recliners." I grimaced, and my wings and tail started fidgeting. "After the sore necks from last time, we figured, 'Might as well spring for the good seats.' It's a vacation, after all!"

I wanted to fly away. I felt paralyzed and skittish at the same time. Angry, too. My face felt hot. My hooves felt cold. My chest was heavy, and my head felt like it was going to detach and float away. Every part of my body wanted to go a different direction.

There I was: trying to get away from it all, give myself a little distance so I could think straight. I was going to face my problems, really, but I just needed to get some time to get some perspective. 'I just need a break so I can focus. Then it'll all be better,' I thought, silently counting how many times I'd had that exact conversation with myself. Somewhere in the forties.

I thought about lying. It wouldn't have even been a lie, really, just omitting a detail. Hell, I could have said nothing, and they would have found out themselves. When was I ever going to see them again, anyway? But that wasn't how my parents raised me. Well, parent. If I was going to let them down, I at least wanted to keep them from being disappointed and hurt.

Their faces beamed back at me. My stomach twisted, and I glanced away as I said, "Well, I'm sure Fire Streak can pull it off." I didn't hear a response, so I looked up again. Cobalt's face was frozen in a wide smile, but Sunburst turned his head and squinted one eye at me.

I let out a long breath and thought, 'I don't really need to say this, do I?' It was super uncomfortable, and it was all the worse with a giddy mare staring me down. "I'm not on the roster this week." I braced myself for the disappointment.

Cobalt giggled. She rolled her eyes as an orange hoof that wrapped around her shoulder. "Oh, wouldn't you know it? Just our luck." She still seemed bouncy, and Sunburst's posture stayed upright and inviting. "Guess that means we'll just have to come back again sometime!"

Electricity flowed from my heart to the rest of my body, burning away all the bad feelings. They were okay with it!

Sunburst spoke up. "Woulda loved to see you perform again, but I bet that Fire Streak guy will be entertaining, too. He's your second, right?"

I thought back to all the times Fire Streak had been there for me, just as somepony to talk to and swap stories with. He'd always been an amazing flier, but my memories were still peppered with his comments about overtaking me. Still, though, I thought of him as my friend, maybe the only one I had left. "Yeah, he's great."

"Second best, I'm sure." Damn straight. Sunburst looked at the clock. "We should probably head out. We've got a city tour in a few minutes. Thanks for the chat, Mister Windsong."

"Soarin'."

"Soarin', it's been a pleasure."

Cobalt chimed in as she stood up. "And I hope you have a nice, relaxing break." I thought about correcting her, but I'd been honest enough for one meal. Plus, Spitfire had called it a break, right?

I gave them a small wave and told them, "Enjoy your vacation." A thought struck me. "Oh, hey!" They stopped in their tracks and gave me wide eyes. "Picture? Autographs?"

Cobalt flushed. "Oh. Well, we... wouldn't want to be trouble, and we really appreciate you taking a moment for us. Plus, we don't really have that much cash right now."

I smirked. "On the house."

Their faces lit up again. I dug some headshots out of my saddlebag – never know when you'll need them – and wrote out a few words. Before they left, we posed for a couple pictures. I told them the secret to getting fan mail directly to me and asked them to let me know the next time they were coming to see the 'Bolts. After the way they'd lifted my spirits, I wanted to make their next show something special.

* * * * *

"Wait." I set my quill down and peer up at the blue pegasus across from me. "There's a way to get fan mail straight to you?" It makes sense. The Wonderbolts must get inundated with correspondence, and they certainly want to separate the important letters from the usual proclamations of love. And the threats. Heck, I got little more than a form letter the first time I'd tried to get this interview. "What's the secret?"

Soarin' props his foreleg on the table with a loud thud. He rests his temple against his hoof and stares, giving me the toothy grin of a little brother who's put soap in your toothpaste.

I blink. Realization hits me, and I snort. "Fine," I grumble. I pick up my quill and resume taking notes.

* * * * *

Sunburst and Cobalt Breeze trotted away from the booth, and I felt mostly good. Mostly. They hadn't been too disappointed that I wouldn't be at the show, and I'd done the right thing, but the room suddenly felt very, very empty.

I turned my head to watch them leave. They nuzzled up close to each other, talking excitedly but barely above a whisper. Sunburst kissed Cobalt on the cheek when she moved to open the door. They giggled together and walked outside, taking all the warmth of the diner with them. They were so, so clearly in love.

The bell jingled, and then it was quiet. I felt content but emotionally drained, so I let my head thump against the window while I looked outside. Sunburst and Cobalt Breeze sauntered away together, pausing every once in a while to gawk at the huge buildings. I wanted to know what they were saying, and my heart sank when I realized I never would. Their conversation didn't let up as they hailed a pony-drawn cab, got in, and sped out of view.

I looked back across my booth, where a half-eaten meal and an empty seat were my only companions. The late morning sunlight streamed in, making the gold padding opposite me glow.

I never brought one-night stands to Bad Sun. It was out of principle – this was my favorite place, something sacred – but I imagined what it would be like to sit there with somepony. Somepony special that I could talk to easily, somepony that made me feel relaxed, made me feel like I could let my guard down.

I could hear him. I mean, not really, but I remembered exactly what Braeburn's laugh had been like. It started out as a small, even chuckle. At first, it sounded a little squeaky with a whole lot of cute, but if you listened, you could hear his laugh rumble in his strong, muscular chest. He covered his mouth with a fetlock, like he was about to cough, like he was embarrassed, and his eyes squinted tight while he looked away. That little earth pony couldn't hold it in forever, though, and his laughter grew louder. His shoulders quivered, and it all burst out of him in a loud, wide-mouthed roar of happiness. He threw his head back, laughing and laughing and stomping a hoof just to get the energy out. He was full of life, full of... full of joy. And when he finally settled down, he looked right at me with those beautiful, watery eyes, breathing hard and still chuckling, and I felt at peace.

Hollandaise's voice snapped me out of whatever I was doing. "Not feeling hungry today, Sugar?"

My eyes refocused, and my glimpse of Braeburn vanished. No, I wasn't feeling hungry. I just felt empty.

Comments

[flippyinvader]

Seeing this made me think there would be more hunger lol

[Vivid Syntax]

8886308
lol! Well, there might be more hunger as the story goes on. I hope you're enjoying it so far!