• Member Since 14th Nov, 2014
  • offline last seen Tuesday

Fictional Fanatic


Fiction reader. Now, also a writer.

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Going to Equestria is something great.
Going to Equestria with awesome powers is even greater.
Going to Equestria with those exact powers that you wished for your whole life? Best. Thing. Ever.
Going to Equestria as an invisible spirit that nopony can see or hear? Not so great...
Welcome to my life, at least I can cheer ponies up when the're down. SNOWBALLS APLENTY!!!

This is a Displaced story about Jack and 'his' version of Equestria.
I do not own the cover art.

First featured 2015/03/06

Chapters (18)
Comments ( 435 )
Comment posted by Nectarina deleted Mar 6th, 2015

neat already written better and more interesting then the hundred others hopefully you continue this

YES FINALY A JACK FROST STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

I like it. It's well written, which isn't a surprise, as you seem to have a pattern of good grammar and spelling. The story, I feel, isn't all that rushed. Maybe a little, but not very much at all. Luna is written in character, as is Celestia. Overall, good job.

I liked the story so far just one thing:

Every single of the words she had written where gone, as if she had never written them at all.

That should be "were".

5704282 Writing in character is hard. Especially Luna. I was really worried about getting her habits to speak in older Equestrian right. Don't know how well I did non that front, but I am glad you like it.

5703107 I understand you are a fan of Jack? or at least a of the movie? To be honest Jack Frost was not my first choice but it's the only one I could get working.

Was having problems with trying to write "Goku" from "Dragonball Z", "Simon" from "Toppa Tengen Guran Laggan" and "Wonka" from "Chalie and the chocolate factory".

So in the end, I went with Jack frost. (The fact I was on vacation and went skiing for 5 days straight had nothing to do with it).

5704353 Well, well, well. Aren't you also writing about a Jack frost Displaced? Wanna PM? I would like to talk about each others plots and future plans. We don't wanna make our stories to much like each others, right? Maybe even talk about crossover plans? Like the two Ben 10 displaced stories I've seen.

PM me if you're interested.

Pretty interesting story, looking forward to more. I suspect the only person that can actually see him is gonna wind up being Discord, at least at first.

Jack smiled at the memory as he walk straight through the wall out of the castle, he did not have to stay as he knew no harm would come to the frost pony.

So I´m not good with times, but this is wrong. It has to be "walks" or "walked" (I don´t know exactly sry).

You my friend are a awesome writer. I really want to get the chance to do a few chapters with you... if that's okay with you that is :fluttershysad:

Why isn't this in the group ABOUT the displaced?

where not Luna's

'place' not Luna's

...Okay, that's unacceptable. Where is not were. One denotes a place, the other denotes time and/or ownership. It's not that hard to fix or recognize. Just think to yourself what makes sense more.

5704393 Oh, and the 'one' between 'single' and 'of' that's missing in that sentence.

Hmn, looks like you miss a lot of those 'where-were' errors...

This is interesting.
Hopefully he won't be forever alone.

Serious editing is needed in this one. There's a lot of really obvious mixes that clearly compromise what's going on. To boot, it feels rushed and absent of what LoHAV stories generally have. The human interaction so far is very limited, maybe only 200 words. That's only barely enough, and you decline to describe most of the setting besides the creation of the 'frost ponies', which while interesting, is clearly not enough.

We have little idea who some of the characters are, what they look like or why we should care. Motivations aren't really enough to interest anybody. All we, (as readers), have so far is a premise and a promise that we'll get into it in the future.

~There's no treat to beat, or special meat. I can get popcorn at home.~

Seriously, what is here might be interesting if anybody bothered to clean it up and point out its flaws. You're basically writing a LoHA story where the main character is invisible; a neutral character who's actions aren't noticeable. That's enough to at least be different. I guarantee, get yourself a competent, dedicated editor who knows what the fuck they're doing, and your story'll do a one-eighty in quality...At the very least, your 'where' mistakes'll go bye-bye.

Time to watch from the shadows again.

Hey, hey you. I got one word: Crossovers. Think about it for a minute. Guy can't be seen unless he's believed in, right? Well if another Displaced /just/ summoned ole' Jack, then they MUST believe in him, right? Right?

5704694 Yes, these are the comments I'm looking for.

I admit, The story was rushed as I made a mistake in the form of being impatient. My only pre-reader has yet to see this story as he is currently busy and I have no clue when he will be available.

Now, your comment was an eye opener. As for the shit somepony will have to point out and then make me clean up will be addressed. As for why I have insulted my readers with 'where' instead of 'were' is something I'm gonna blame my teachers in this language as I am still learning proper English and still am missing certain knowledge and never was called out on the 'where' mistakes until I first got my pre-reader to point them out.

If you yourself is up for the challenge I would be glad to have access to another pre-reader.

Once again, Thanks for your input.

5704427 Will fix.

5704658 Don't worry, He won't. You have to remember that this is a Displaced story and that one is never alone in the omniverse.

OMG THIS IS AMAZING


i cant wait for him to finally talk to the mane6 and princesses

5704739 Well, on the learning the language bit...good luck to you. As for the where-were solution? Think of 'H' representing place. It's next to 'g' in the center of the keyboard, and you'll likely end up moving around it. I'll only use it two-five times in the whole of this paragraph.

You'll hardly ever press it's button. But when you do, it'll most often be in reference to your sense of touch. You could also go another route, the 'h' is the equivalent to hell. 'might make it easier to remember the place equivalence.

Finally, as for helping you edit: I'm sorry, but I've retired that usage. I'm primarily a critic and I don't find heavy enjoyment in looking over mistakes. However, there are several people worth asking to help you out. The 'editors' group, and some of the more active site members have experience in such. If you're truly interested in finding somebody, ask for NaughtSaught or FanOfMostEverything. If they don't help you themselves, they're well connected enough to help you find somebody. And though I don't know if they'll be interested, Proper Noun has a ton of experience that I willfully endorse.

Good luck on your continued learning of the language though. Ask your teachers for extra help. They should be willing to work with you if you come to them with your problems.

5704744 You just jinxed the world... Have fun with snowball apocalypse.

I like the story. If you'd like, I can proofread for you. Keep going. I r8 8/8, gr8 m8.

This is a really good story so far! Have you considered doing crossovers with other Displaced writers? I know I would love to do a crossover with you. In need of a brilliant mind? Let Robin's token drop in and he'd be more than happy to help!

My god! cant believe someone made a Jackfrost story! man u are my hero! cant wait for more chapters!

P.S. It is good :D

P.S.S. Too many good storys that continue on development... ... I dont know If it is good for my health to wait in the pc without sleeping for two consecutive days... ... wow...

well

This story is choooo goood!

5705160 Already on it. Me and FrostTheWolf are talking about it. One of his character might suddenly pop up.

5704421 I did pm you, but it didn't show up in my sent pm's.
Tell me if you didn't get one, and I send it again.

Hmm... no mentioned banishment, hibernation...

WHAT HAS HE BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST ????? YEARS?! WHY WOULD HE BE BACK IN BUSINESS IF THERE WAS NOTHING STOPPING HIM?!

5705441 Ah, that explains it. I have a +1 PM on me but nothing that I can actually read. Sen it again would you?

Its worded a little awkwardly, and is a bit too casual for a story. Try to avoid words like gonna, or other contractions.

5705441 Seems, your PM's don't reach me... Let me try and reach you then.

And I don't think our little ponies are able to handle the fact that their rulers are unable to stop somepony that can change history just like that.

Indeed, especially if the culprit is the one who supposedly raises the sun.:ajbemused:

Not bad for a start, looking forward to seeing more of this.

I would recommend a light review of this story as I saw a few capitalization errors. But I do thoroughly enjoy this and I will see how it goes from here.

I haven't read this yet, so I could totally be wrong, but is this the Rise of the Guardians Jack Frost?
If so, I think this would need a crossover tag.

Well. Interesting concept of magic. Though I don't agree with how easy it was to create life I will give you some creative leeway. I hope to see more.

You seem to mix up 'Where' and 'Were' a lot. Generally interesting story, but you do need a proofreader.

Fantastic story can't wait to read more!!!

5706302
This story doesn't need a crossover tag, because its a displaced story.

-Equinox_

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