hiii just a heads up but anytime somone is kind enough to use my ocs has permission to use anytime (just no clop without me either asking or being asked)
Redsopine is a normal guy or so people think what they dont know is that he is a pegasi outcast that took over the role off he's human double when they died and has cared for hes sister and niece but they dont know he's secreat untill one day everything he has and everyone he loves gets hurt
(Just a quick edit anything I add to this will always be labled a version higer then before till it seems right)
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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What...the Hell?
Y'know what...I'm not gonna say anything, I'm just gonna move on and forget about this...
5835984 charming but thanks for the honesty mind telling me where i went wrong
5836003 Mainly pacing and description. You're fic went by so quickly that I had barely a clue as to what was happening, try to slow things down, describe the scenery, the characters and their actions in a little more detail. At the minute, the whole thing is lacking any real...emotion, I didn't feel any care for the ponies who died, mainly because their character was never fleshed out, they died seconds after they were introduced and/or their death went by so quickly that I barely even noticed.
The grammar was decent, if a little lacking at times, this can easily be fixed by running this through a grammar/spell checker (like Word), or reading through it yourself and correcting the mistakes you see.
Again, the main thing that needs working on is description and pacing, which sadly I cannot help you with.
5836021 thankyou for pointing out my flaws but was it good for a first attempt
5836037 Yeah, as far as first attempts go it was decent. Trust me I've seen much worse. Oh and the reason I was so hesitant to point out flaws is mainly because of reactions I may or may not get. Sometimes new writers tend to lash out and type abuse at people who are trying to help them, it's happened on too many an occasion....
So....Thanks for not being immature and verbally attacking me!
5836055 hehe i did ask for critics in autors note lol thank you also think its to much having demonic powers
Yay!
5836286 yay
5840050 Your description could use some work. I noticed a couple of grammar and spelling mistakes in there.
5840176 kk wat i get wrong
5840200
dont=don't
Hes=his
He's=his
Secreat=secret
Untill=until
5836055 i know something much worst. Besides my profile cover. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/258767/steve-and-hwnt-hwnt-becomes-a-princess
Read it!
You know this reminds me of my, pain from loss
My dick got cut when I used chunky peanut butter as lube and it had to be amputated. Now I can'T clop.
I'm 11
5847626 As I've said, I've seen worse.
5847628 ouch
5848038 So I watched snowdrop the other say and there was a part where the mother be like, "It's better to save your wishes Snowdrop"
But the the child be like, "but don't I really need my eyes?"
I be like, "ooo u got burned by a child"
5848789 so im after critics wat u think of my fic
5849181 Which 1
5849723 i only got 1
7245619 thanks i still updating it a bit but i gave a warning in the auothers note
7246537 i did have a editor but she changed accounts so got no help there but if its the name redsopine thats the right spelling for hes name
7251716 thanks well im working on a few but two have over 1000 maby 3 qwould it be ok to ask u to look at them
like rainbow87dash said the pacing is off and it could use more detail (like a a lot more detail.) The idea is very very interesting and your grammar is good for the most part punctuation could be a bit better i think as well as capitalization but overall i really like this im not a stickler for details but this one needs a lot more description but it can be rather easily fixed later on down the road when you have more experience writing. my very first draft of a fic was quite similar in the negatives actually dont worry it comes with experience develop your very own unique writing style, some people are better at horror while some are better at action and drama it all depends on you and your personality for example I writing on the fly and with my instances instead of planing it out like other people i go with the flow and thats generally it. i also listen to music when i write and i feel it helps me be more creative again it all depends on you. Cant wait to see h
ow this one turns out im watching!
7873313 thanks and Yer mines a bit fast paced but its for the theme of it and its how I think as I write but I got alot more in depth of him written up if u want a pm
This first chapter is... decent the grammar mistakes and change of scenery was hard to follow like what did chrysalis's main hall look like what did shadow look like what does Zero look like. For all we know she could have a broken wing or a crown hell she could have worn a doctor's coat. The pacing is going at a train's speed. but other than that good first impression. I give you three pinkies out of five
7882023 thanks and I will work on it btw the whole op bit was Diablo making a appearance from he's rage
Hey, so I found out that you are following me probably due to my story "No Escape". I would very much like to help you. I can be your proof reader, and if you send me your first chapter in Google Docs I can just describe the whole thing in way more detail, to really make this come alive. Just send it to this address...
minecraftbamm13@gmail.com
I can help you, okay? I will send you back the polished version, and it's up to you if you use it. Good luck on your stories, btw. This will not put your story in any danger, and I won't take any credit for the result.
Don't mess with Red. As pyscho mantis from metal gear said: your skills have improved.
Nice work!
7926245 man all credit goes to the amazing editorial work of http://www.fimfiction.net/user/ForeverLonelyYT
7926343 but still you get some Credit from me too
7926350 thanks
7926547 You're welcome
7926560 should i add a gore tag
7926990 I would say yes
Oh jesus, I died at the goofed part XD
7967734 thank my editor for that
7968038 I'll be sure to do that. I like the concept of the story!
Jesus....Red is fucking insane...
Not him that's claw whom I nerd to expand to explain 8398489
8399448
oh
It's a decent first attempt. I think with some solid formatting it could be a decent, quick read. For one, you jump around from scene to scene a lot. For instance, when it says "Changeling hive", or "Three days earlier," or whatever, do something like this.
Changeling Hive
Or something similar. Some fast readers, like myself, go fast as shit and often skip over stuff like that if it isn't very clearly a change of setting.
Other than that, this stuff goes by extremely fast. In about 8k words, you jump between - i think - five different scenes, bunch of characters die, we're introduced to a bunch of OC's and told exposition right off the bat. A lot to consume in so little time.
I'd suggest taking your time to reveal this stuff to the viewer. It seems you have the conclusion, or meatiness to a story, but not the substance - or the juice to actually make it cohesive narrative. Anyways, I'm out. Laters.
Also, use punctuation more often. End your sentences instead of making a whole paragraph a run-on sentence.
8496765
Thanks for the feedback I will work on it hopefully mk3 will be better set