The pain off loss
The pain off loss
There was blood on the walls and ceiling, bio mechanical body parts littered the floor as five people moved down it, guns raised.
Dear god… Who or what could have done this to a changeling hive of thousands? thought Shadow as they neared the end of the corridor, it split into five directions two either side. He signalled to stop.
“Amethyst, Graymane, you take the left. Razor Light take the right I will go down the centre” commanded Shadow. They split up.
“East clear.”
“Northeast clear.”
“West clear.”
“Northwest clear.”
“This is Shadow Wolfpack, regroup on my position. I found a survivor.”
In the centre of the main chamber, a man was sobbing in a pool of blood and gore cradling the body of a young girl with purple hair.
“Who are you?” Shadow asked the man who simply replied:
“Redsopine.”
“Ok Red, what happened here? What happened to you and her? What was her name?”
“Her name’s Scootaloo, she’s my niece. As to what happened here, I killed them. All of them. I just wanted to save her but I failed.
Three days earlier
Red’s phone went off in the middle of the night. Grumbling to himself, he saw who it was and answered.
“Scoots! Do you have any idea what time it is? It’s the middle of the night!”
“Red! Help, something’s trying to break in and mom’s hurt! Please help!” Scootaloo’s voicewere panicked and he heard a crash in the background.
“No! They’re here! Stay away from me you monsters! Let go of me!“
“Scoots! Scootaloo listen to me! I’ll find you, just be brave-“
“NO-“
The phone cut off.
“Shit!” Red swore angrily before racing over to Rainbow’s house. When he got there, it was a mess. He saw a trail of blood. Following it, he found his sister. She was in bad shape and bleeding badly.
“Rainbow! Hey Dashie! It’s me, Red! You’re ok now, I'm here.”
Rainbow’s eyes opened and she smiled and spoke in her raspy voice.
“He he… Why is it every time we see each other one of us is hurt?” she tried to stand but fell back in a slump.
“Hey, don't push yourself Dash, what happened here? Who did this?” Red asked.
“Some kind of mechanical bugs, one even bit me Red. I-I don't have long but promise me you will save Scootaloo, promise me.”
"I promise Dashie now hang in there im gonna try to stop the bleeding * Red pulls out two strange looking crystals and hands one to Rainbow as hes hair starts to glow * chew this it will help with the pain and will keep you awake while i patch you up
"Where did you learn first aid bro, how can i eat a crystal and why the hell is your hair glowing?
" theres a lot you need to know about me first off i learnt it as a kid, the crysatls are edible trust me on that and the glow well you will see in a secound * red grabs a bowl and fills it with water before crushing a crystal in it and pours some down Ranbows troat before the mixture thicked and he applied it to a strip of clothing he tore from hes shirt * what u just drank should help with any internal bleeding and this will help stop the bleeding but it requires alot of heat to work sis
Rainbow stares in wonder as Reds hair sets alight as a flame appears on hes hand while the one holding the makeshift bandage froze like ice as he applied it to her wounds * ahhhhh thats cold * Redsopine apllies he burning hand to the ice * ahhhhhhhhh hot hot hot* dash screams in pain before passing out
Red sighs * i told her to eat the crystal to numb the pain now wheres her phone ah here it is * the phone was lying in a pool of green blood and he growls a inhuman growl * chrisylis you will pay but first * he hits speed dill and calls Applejack
Buzzzzzzz buzzzzz * consadit Rainbow its 3AM this had better be important * Applejack sighs and answers the phone * Yer what is it Dash it had better be good
"Applejack this is redsopine Rainbow brother look soething attacked her house theyve taken Scootaloo and Dash is hurt we need to get her to a hospital now
"Slow down a secound did you say Dash is hurt and Scootaloos missing
"Yes i did an we need to get her to a hospital now
1 Hour later
Im sorry sir but her ingeriues were to sever she die from blood loss * was the doctors grim news
Changeling hive locathion unknown
Out of the shadows a changeling approached the prison cell. Making sure the prisoner he carried was securely tied he chucked her in and slammed the door, locking it and standing guard. A girl rushed over and untied the prisoner.
“Hey! My name’s Scootaloo, what’s your name and where are we?
“Changeling hive- and the names Treble, Treble Star.
Wait your Treble moms sister Treble who dissapeared 5 years ago that Treble
Eyup was Trebles reply
Present day Changeling hive
“So they killed your sister and kidnapped you niece then what happened?” Asked Shadow as they were walking, Red still cradling Scootaloo’s body.
“I began hunting them down after I buried my sister” Red barked out a small laugh
“Dumb bastards left one behind to take care of me; they heard the call- screwed up with that I killed it after forcing it to tell me where Scootaloo was.
Two days before
Redpine knelt before the grave he had dug before placing his sister inside. He filled it in and crafted a small gravestone, he carved into it:
HERE LIES RAINBOW DASH
BELOVED MOTHER AND SISTER
MAY SHE FIND PEACE
Requiescat in pace dear sister a tear dropped to the ground and Red howled his pain to the sunrise.
He returned to his sister’s house to search for anything to find the things that killed her and took Scootaloo, but he came up with nothing. Determined to find them, he slipped his eyes to their purple state and was furious by what he saw. Now he knew who did this.
“Chrysalis! I should have known the Bug Queen was behind this!”
He turned to leave and came face to face with a large changeling! Its garbage and mechanical face inches from his own, he saw another behind it. He grinned and spoke
“So the queen wants me dead. Well, give her a message from me: after I kill her lapdog here I'm coming for her. Well, go! Or do you want to die as well?” With that, Red’s hands became claws, his skin became as hard as stone and set alight before freezing with the fire running inside it. His wings splayed open, the feathers burning a bright wispy blue, his hair grew long past his shoulders and turned to ice but still moved with his movements. His teeth became sharp he removed his tinted shades and his eyes turned pure emerald green red and blue smoke pouring from them. He put his hands together and slowly separated them, crafting a battle axe. The blade flames and the shaft ice he grips it with two hands and charges the changelings he smirks at their shocked faces.
“What, you thought just because I'm human you could kill me like that? Oh no no no I am much more than human my body is but my soul is Equestrian!”
The smaller changeling flees as Red hit the larger one in the gut before grabbing its head.
“Now I'm gonna make you scream like the scared thing you are and when I'm done you will be begging for death but not before I make you tell me where you took my niece! So? Tell me!”
The changeling remained silent.
“So be it but I will make you talk one way or the other!”
Red lifted the changeling up by its throat and looked it in the eyes before it starts to scream in fear as it saw the horrors and pain its victims felt.
“It told me how to find the hive and I cut its head off before burning the body to ash in my hands. I returned to my home and grabbed my old Pegasus hoodie and put it on then I took off for the hive it took me a day to find when i arrived i was greeted with ten armed guards at the entrance Redpine finished
“I must say I am impressed you took out one of their best fighters alone, even more you got it to talk. But why did you come alone and unarmed?” Shadow asked looking puzzled
“They knew I was coming for them so I tried diplomacy and by that I tore them apart and stormed the hive.”
1 hour ago
“WHERE IS SHE!? TELL ME!” Red screamed at the final guard who just pointed at the hive.
“P-prison cells.” He stammered.
As Red went to enter he felt a sharp pain in his neck. He pulled a dart out and with a groan hit the dirt. The last thing he saw before he passed out was the queen bitch herself standing over him.
“Take him to the main chamber and bring the girl to me” Chrysalis ordered.
Redpine awoke to find himself chained to the floor. He saw Scootaloo in front of him and tried to get to her but the chains stopped him just before he reached her. The queen strode in flanked by twenty guards.
“Ah, you’re awake. Good. I don’t want you to miss this- my daughter’s first kill. ZERO GET IN HERE!”
“YES MOTHER” came the reply as a changeling different from the others walked in. Red could tell she was a queen. When Zero saw Red chained and Scootaloo knocked out she rushed over to Scootaloo.
“GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BUG!” Roared Red
“Calm down! I’m a doctor” Zero checked Scootaloo’s pulse “She’s ok, just asleep. MOTHER WHAT IS THE MEANING FOR THIS!?”
“Time for you to show your loyalty to your kind dear daughter. NOW KILL THE CHILD AND THIS HUMAN OR JOIN YOUR FRIEND IN THE PRISON! Oh yes, I know about your friendship with Treble Star”
At the mention of Treble’s name Redpine looked at Zero’s face.
“You know my sister? Is she ok? Is she here?” Zero looked at Red confused but before she could answer the queen hit her.
“I told you to kill them! Now do it!” The look of hatred Zero gave her mother made her step back, she turned to Red
“You must be Red, Treble’s talked about you. She is ok and well but she was moved when word came you were heading here.”
Zero went to leave but turned back to Red
“If you live through this, come find me.” With that, Zero left.
“So even your daughter hates you! How touching. Now let my niece go before I rip your head off and piss in you skull!”Redpine demanded. He started to break the chains but felt a sharp pain in his back. He looked down to see a spear sticking through his side. He pulled it out and continued breaking the chains.
“Hehe, that hurts but not as much as you’re going to!”
Chrysalis laughed.
“You think you can scare me? I am going to make you suffer for that by killing those you love starting with the girl- Ah! She’s awake now PIN HIM DOWN!” A horde of changelings pinned Red to the floor but made sure his head stays up forcing him to watch as the queen slowly bit Scootaloo’s neck before tearing it out.
“NO! SCOOTALOO! NO NO NO!”
A inhuman roar erupted from Red as his body set alight incinerating the changeling's holding him and melting the chains.
“You bitch! You hurt my family and killed all those I care about now watch as I do the same to you!” Red roared in a demonic voice. Without looking, he raised a hand and all the changelings except the queen and Zero exploded into bloody chunks. As he went to kill the queen Scootaloo grabbed his leg and he calmed down.
“Don’t become like them! Please…” Those were the last words she said to me.
“So I let the queen go but I swear I will find her and stop her hurting anyone else! Requiescat in pace dear sister , Scootaloo.”
Redpine walked away from the graves and took off into the sky, tears in his eyes as his hunt began.
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What...the Hell?
Y'know what...I'm not gonna say anything, I'm just gonna move on and forget about this...
5835984 charming but thanks for the honesty mind telling me where i went wrong
5836003 Mainly pacing and description. You're fic went by so quickly that I had barely a clue as to what was happening, try to slow things down, describe the scenery, the characters and their actions in a little more detail. At the minute, the whole thing is lacking any real...emotion, I didn't feel any care for the ponies who died, mainly because their character was never fleshed out, they died seconds after they were introduced and/or their death went by so quickly that I barely even noticed.
The grammar was decent, if a little lacking at times, this can easily be fixed by running this through a grammar/spell checker (like Word), or reading through it yourself and correcting the mistakes you see.
Again, the main thing that needs working on is description and pacing, which sadly I cannot help you with.
5836021 thankyou for pointing out my flaws but was it good for a first attempt
5836037 Yeah, as far as first attempts go it was decent. Trust me I've seen much worse. Oh and the reason I was so hesitant to point out flaws is mainly because of reactions I may or may not get. Sometimes new writers tend to lash out and type abuse at people who are trying to help them, it's happened on too many an occasion....
So....Thanks for not being immature and verbally attacking me!
5836055 hehe i did ask for critics in autors note lol thank you also think its to much having demonic powers
Yay!
5836286 yay
5840050 Your description could use some work. I noticed a couple of grammar and spelling mistakes in there.
5840176 kk wat i get wrong
5840200
dont=don't
Hes=his
He's=his
Secreat=secret
Untill=until
5836055 i know something much worst. Besides my profile cover. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/258767/steve-and-hwnt-hwnt-becomes-a-princess
Read it!
You know this reminds me of my, pain from loss
My dick got cut when I used chunky peanut butter as lube and it had to be amputated. Now I can'T clop.
I'm 11
5847626 As I've said, I've seen worse.
5847628 ouch
5848038 So I watched snowdrop the other say and there was a part where the mother be like, "It's better to save your wishes Snowdrop"
But the the child be like, "but don't I really need my eyes?"
I be like, "ooo u got burned by a child"
5848789 so im after critics wat u think of my fic
5849181 Which 1
5849723 i only got 1
7245619 thanks i still updating it a bit but i gave a warning in the auothers note
7246537 i did have a editor but she changed accounts so got no help there but if its the name redsopine thats the right spelling for hes name
7251716 thanks well im working on a few but two have over 1000 maby 3 qwould it be ok to ask u to look at them
like rainbow87dash said the pacing is off and it could use more detail (like a a lot more detail.) The idea is very very interesting and your grammar is good for the most part punctuation could be a bit better i think as well as capitalization but overall i really like this im not a stickler for details but this one needs a lot more description but it can be rather easily fixed later on down the road when you have more experience writing. my very first draft of a fic was quite similar in the negatives actually dont worry it comes with experience develop your very own unique writing style, some people are better at horror while some are better at action and drama it all depends on you and your personality for example I writing on the fly and with my instances instead of planing it out like other people i go with the flow and thats generally it. i also listen to music when i write and i feel it helps me be more creative again it all depends on you. Cant wait to see h
ow this one turns out im watching!
7873313 thanks and Yer mines a bit fast paced but its for the theme of it and its how I think as I write but I got alot more in depth of him written up if u want a pm
This first chapter is... decent the grammar mistakes and change of scenery was hard to follow like what did chrysalis's main hall look like what did shadow look like what does Zero look like. For all we know she could have a broken wing or a crown hell she could have worn a doctor's coat. The pacing is going at a train's speed. but other than that good first impression. I give you three pinkies out of five
7882023 thanks and I will work on it btw the whole op bit was Diablo making a appearance from he's rage
Hey, so I found out that you are following me probably due to my story "No Escape". I would very much like to help you. I can be your proof reader, and if you send me your first chapter in Google Docs I can just describe the whole thing in way more detail, to really make this come alive. Just send it to this address...
minecraftbamm13@gmail.com
I can help you, okay? I will send you back the polished version, and it's up to you if you use it. Good luck on your stories, btw. This will not put your story in any danger, and I won't take any credit for the result.