• Member Since 18th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen September 3rd

CommanderX5


Sequels1

T
Source

Equestria. On the surface, it is a kingdom of harmony where pegasi, unicorns, and earth ponies live together in peace; a place where griffons, minotaurs, and many other creatures are welcome. However, few know that another race lives among them in hiding.

Fluttershy, the decades old pureblood thestral known as Mistress Flutterbat, was living with her family in Cloudsdale where her parents had done their best to lead the local clan of vamponies in peace for centuries.

While the Princess of the Sun kept a watchful eye on her kingdom, pureblood thestral clans across Equestria went into hiding, disguised as common ponies, for none had the power to challenge the alicorn’s might.

Will a vampony with a good heart and kind nature survive in a world that sees her as a threat?


This story takes place years before Nightmare Moon’s return. The story itself went through restructuring alongside many improvements to increase its quality.

Special thanks to MykeGreywolf for permission to use his art as cover for this story.

List of editors:
Top editor - ShipIsLove ShipIsLife
Secondary editor - Mikemeisers

This story takes place years before Nightmare Moon’s return. The story itself went through restructurization alongside many improvements to increase it’s quality. Special thanks to MykeGreywolf for permission to use his art as cover for this story.

List of editors:
Top proofreaders: ShipIsLove ShipIsLife
Malefactory

Editors: Mikemeisers
Alticron
Seether00 F

Chapters (12)
Comments ( 389 )

Ah, yes, I remember this story.
The rework is giving a lot more reason to the story and is really making me care about the characters.
Good job, you have earned a like and a favorite.

i like this story and i could see rainbow accepting the deal it might explain why she takes naps in trees pretty often

I hope you guys like it. We worked hard on this one.

I like this chapter. Nice.:yay:

5667850
What do you mean?

5668532
Thank you. I decided to rearange this story a bit, so it will first expand upon Fluttershy's past before it will go to Ponyville's events.

5669039
She also nap on clouds. I am afraid that this theory have some holes, sorry.

5669610
Well. It hit feature box, so it seems that our work paid off. Cheers, and thanks for all the help.

5670018
Actually, it was just a prologue, but I am glad you enjoyed it. I hope that the next chapters will be as entertaining.

5670196
Ok, you asked for it. The next chapter will be ready for uploading in around 20 minutes.
What did you though about Fluttershy and Dash interactions so far?

5670157IT was up like a minute before it got a downvote.

5670225

I personally don't like instant downvotes. I wish people who downvote a story would leave a comment where they would say what they didn't like and what in their opinion could be done better. I don't mind a downvote as long as someone point out what is wrong so I can improve the story, but without telling me what I did wrong, downvotes demotivate me a bit.

The story wasn't up for an hour before it got featured. Very nice.

I just did a quick read-through of these chapters, and I gotta say, this story is better than I thought. I really can't wait for the chapter after the spa part. In retrospect, that was an amazing piece.

This story is beautifully executed, can't wait for more.

Love it so far, can't wait for more plus this chapter actually came out just as I finished the last one... Timing or what :pinkiegasp::pinkiehappy:

i just got done reading this story not 10 minutes ago and now an update?! you are amazing.:pinkiehappy:

“Furthermore, how I can be sure you’re not lying so that your friend won’t be punished?”

You need to change the "I" and the "can".

Like that: “Furthermore, how can I be sure you’re not lying so that your friend won’t be punished?”

5670211 You shouldn't write revised. It makes it look amateurish. Just delete it and copy the work. Do you have proofreaders? Proofreaders help a lot!

I love the way this story is going!

5670312

The story wasn't up for an hour before it got featured. Very nice.

Actually, it was several hours before it got featured.

5670603
5670904
Thank you.

5670642
Actually, this chapter was ready some time ago. I just needed to double check it to make final changes.

5671113
Fixed, thanks.

5671139

You shouldn't write revised. It makes it look amateurish. Just delete it and copy the work. Do you have proofreaders? Proofreaders help a lot!

To be honest. I uploaded this story long time ago, but people didn't like it to much because of it's structure. Basically, I jumped from FLuttershy's past to future events way to fast, and it confused many.

I shut down this story for revision and I expanded upon Fluttershy's past before uploading it again. This is why I wrote (revised).

I can delete it though, no problem.

I love the way this story is going!

Thanks. I hope that next chapters won't dissapoint you. Though it is sad that my top editor had to leave because of RL reasons, so while next chapter is nearly fully edited, the one after will have lovered quality, unless I will find a skilled proof-reader who is willing to look over it (not much luck with finding those, they are rare).

5670282 I personally haven't given a downvote in all my time on this site. If there's a story subject I dislike, I stay away from it. The few times I've broken that rule, have worked out in an upvote, surprisngly.

5671190

This explains why I recall the prologue so well

so far so good:twilightsmile:

5671190 May I be of assistance? I've done many before.

One more time, Fluttershy examined herself,

seeing as she doesn't receive that name until the end of the chapter, shouldn't that be "Flutterbat"?

Enjoying this story, and eager to see where it goes!

5671439
Thanks.

5671962 5672935
I hope that next chapters won't dissapoint.

5672391
I will PM you link to the goggle document.

5672446
Will try, but without my top editor, the quality may drop a bit.

5672887
Fixed, thanks for pointing it out.

5673006 Well I hope that you will find one soon.:pinkiehappy:

I just love it when an idea I have ends up being the same as an idea an actually good writer has. *had a similar idea a month ago*

[1/18/2015 1:07:30 PM] The Foreman: hey dude? what if the spell that made fluttershy a fruit vampony just changed her tastes? like shes half vampony of a squallered family that were gaurds of luna. Somepony spots a batpony walking away from fluttershy's cottage and questions fluttershy about it. wouldn't be said immediatly but it was fluttershy's father, coming to ask her something...
[1/18/2015 1:07:40 PM] Moon Skritch: So she was a Vampony to begin with
[1/18/2015 1:08:30 PM] The Foreman: and the spell changed her apitite and made her lose herself a bit
it could also contribute to why shes shy constantly...
[1/18/2015 1:09:35 PM] The Foreman: like she could be more outgoing after some "dinner"

5673006 Cool! Want to have a conversation on the side?

5673734
Why not. Do you have skype, or you want to do it by PM ?

5674303
I already PMed you, did you got the link and is it working?

5674656 I'm at school right now. Sorry! I'll try later though!

I find this to be an interesting premise. I shallwait and see how this turns out.

This is truely amazing. I love the concept. :yay:

5674970 you got that right
URK! *clutches chest falling to the ground* Cuteness factor overload! ALERT! ALERT!

It's been awhile so I'm fuzzy on what is new in this revision, but i like it so far. There's a lot of grammatical/sPelling errors still present, but i think I'll ignore them for now.

Most notably, and humorously, You call Dumb-Bell Dump-Bell several times in the narration and when the characters are speaking. He IS kind of a dump, but i don't think Fluttershy would call him that on purpose.

There's also a couple instances of misusing "to" or "too". "Too" is only used to express something to a great extent (as in "too much" or "too full of taco lumps") or to replace "also".

Umm. .. i think there was a bit more, but I'm on my phone, so i couldn't write them all down for you. It looks like you know what you're doing, but typos happen that an automated spellchecker won't catch. I'd suggest going over your writing one final time to try to catch those in the future.

Grammatical belly - aching aside, i look forward to more chapters. Will all of this be a prequel to the series, or will it eventually reach the return of moon butt and the events afterward?

5675434

I come from Poland, so I am afraid I won't be able to catch up mistakes that my editor missed, but if you are willing to assist, I can always offer you spot as editor for my story since my top editor left.

I plan this story to take place before Nightmare Moon's return, and base do people will like it or not, I may write sequel with events that are taking place during and after Summer Sun Celebration.

5676826 Hmmm....IF you decide to write the sequel. Will there be anything different compare to the show? Just curious.

5676859
This is alterantive universe. I change everything base on how Fluttershy being a pureblood and Vamponies living among ponies affect Equestria.

There will be some similarities, but a lot of changes.

5676950 Okay, then. Thanks for the respone...

First, and I can't wait for more flutterbat!

I love the concept of this thus far!

but every living creature or object can pass it. Think of it as an umbrella

People can walk through umbrellas?...Sweet (jk)
wanted to wait for more chapters but couldn't resist, Interesting concept like the story and you have a good grasp of the characters. Over all you have me hooked good sir (And i usually despise vampire stories so take that for what you will)

5678594 the ability "Umbrella Penetration" is a secret thestral technique passed down through the generations, I'd kindly ask you not to make light of this very serious and dangerous ability.

Nice chapter, can't wait to cry later.

Suddenly I have a feeling that Flutter's parents are going to die...and she will be forced to lead the entire Clan by herself without any real experience...

Login or register to comment