Acceptance
Trials of Blood and Kindness
-
Chapter 8
Acceptance
“Dinner Time,” Rainbowshine said cheerfully as she slid four plates from her wings onto the table. “Vegetable salad for everypony,” she added before looking around the dining room for any sight of dust.
The room itself was rather small, but still large enough for six ponies to eat together. Next to a sea-blue table were six small clouds that served as seats. The floor itself was made of cloudcrete, the white, dense clouds that were used for all buildings in Cloudsdale. While she could feel the softness of the floor, her hooves didn’t sink into it. Walls and thin pillars were made of the same material and had similar color, but unlike the floor, those had rainbow-like decorations carved in them. If there was an advantage to having a house made of clouds, it was how easily one could decorate everything in it. And even if the walls themselves were rather fragile, they were also very easy to repair. On the ceiling she could see one yellow chandelier with a few illuminating gems on it.
“How long has it been since I last cleaned that chandelier?” Rainbowshine murmured to herself, making a mental note to clean it later today.
“Salad again?” asked Rainbow Blaze as he entered the room and gave his wife a kiss on the cheek. A black hat decorated his rainbow-like mane. “You should add some variety to our diet, sweetheart.”
Rainbowshine smirked. “Variety? I see. I guess I can add some liquid rainbow to our drinks. As for the salad, lemon and pepper would give it an interesting taste.”
Rainbow Blaze chuckled. “It definitely would, but I’m not sure young pegasi would appreciate it.” Noticing that the young pegasus entered the room, he added, “Speaking about our daughter...”
“Hey mom, dad.”
“Good morning Dash, you’re just in time,” Rainbowshine said as she looked at the door. “Where is Fluttershy?”
Dash rubbed the floor with a hoof. “She didn’t want to come.”
“She didn’t, why?” Rainbowshine asked with worry. “Please don’t tell me that she is not hungry. Again...”
The young mare lowered her head and added, “Yea…”
Both parents looked at each other. Rainbowshine spoke, “Poor dear, she completely shut herself off ever since that day. It has been two and half a months already!”
“True, but it just got worse. She never refused to eat before, and it’s been a week already,” Rainbow Blaze added. He looked at his daughter and said, “We cannot let it continue any longer. Dash, can you please bring Fluttershy here for a serious discussion?”
“But dear, you’ll be late to your job.”
Blaze shook his head. “I am sure my boss can forgive me being late this once. Fluttershy’s well being is way more important.”
Rainbow Dash nodded and saluted. “On it, dad.” She turned around and walked towards the exit, when suddenly her legs trembled, nearly causing her to lose her balance. She quickly reasserted herself and left the room.
“Did you see that?” Rainbowshine asked. “I fear that she isn't telling us something. I never saw her so weak as she has been for the past month.”
Blaze put his foreleg around his wife’s neck and pulled her over to nuzzle her cheek. “We will get to the bottom of this today, I promise.”
***
“Fluttershy, you have to feed,” Rainbow Dash said as she pushed her friend, her head pressed against her flank. “It’s been two weeks since you stopped drinking my blood, and now you have given up on normal food as well?”
“I won’t…” Fluttershy responded weakly. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
Rainbow Dash steeled her muscles and sped up. “But I am better already. Nothing will happen if you take a sip or two.”
Fluttershy just shook her head and pressed her hooves against the cloudy floor, but while Dash felt somewhat tired from blood loss, she was completely exhausted. Unable to resist, she lowered her head and let her friend push her into the dining room.
The light from the window flashed brightly, making Fluttershy hide her face behind her mane. In her weakened stage even this little sunlight could prove very dangerous.
Dash let out a few quick breaths and said, “We’re here.”
Rainbowshine looked at they yellow filly. “Good morning, Fluttershy. How are you feeling today?”
“Morning…” the filly said before looking to the side while her forehoof poked the floor. “I’m fine.” After few seconds of silence, she asked quietly, “Can I… go back to my room?”
Rainbow Blaze shook his head and invited Fluttershy to sit with them with a gesture of his foreleg. “I am afraid I must refuse. There is something we would like to talk about with you.” He turned to his daughter. “And we have some questions for you too, Dash.”
Rainbow Dash nodded before sitting on a pillow next to her father. Fluttershy looked to the side for a moment before slowly approaching on her shaking legs. She sat next to Rainbowshine and looked down at her own forehooves.
“Now, since we are all here together,” Rainbowshine started with firm tone, “it is time to put our worries to rest.” She lowered her head to the filly’s level, who shrunk on her sitting spot. “Fluttershy, you have been with us for over two months.”
“Umm… I can leave if you want,” she said quietly. “I don’t want to be a bother...”
Rainbowshine shook her head. “Celestia help us, we would never do that. You are free to stay with us as long as you wish. It’s your health and eating habits we are worried about.”
Blaze nodded and added, “We aren't blind. While we cannot imagine the grief you are going through, something must have happened last week that made it even worse.” He looked between the poor filly and his daughter. “And you, Dash, your health and condition was also affected.”
“B-but,” Dash responded as she looked around in panic.
“No buts,” Shine interrupted. “I already made a reservation with the doctor for tomorrow for both of you. We will find the truth one way on another.”
“Doctor!?” Dash shouted as she jumped from her cussion. “Oh, nononono… we cannot see the doctor, we can’t!”
“Calm down, Dash,” Blaze interrupted, his voice sharp and firm. “We are worried about you both and we cannot stand by as your health gets worse with each day.”
Both her parents looked at Dash with firm stares as the filly searched desperately to say something. However, the moment a doctor got involved, her friend’s secret would come out into the light.
“Tell them,” Fluttershy whispered.
“Huh, what?” Dash asked as she looked at her friend, who was staring at her emotionlessly. “But if I do that…”
“It is fine, Dash. I don’t want to hide it any longer, they have the right to know.”
The filly looked at her friend as if she was crazy. “But Flutters, I can’t.”
“Please.”
“But what if my parents don’t like it? I don’t want anypony to hurt you anymore,” Dash responded, forgetting about her parents presence.
“Hurt her? Why in Equestria we would do that?” Blaze asked as he stood from his cushion to tower over his daughter. “Whatever this secret is, it hurts me deeply that you would think… think that I would raise a hoof against your friend.”
“Your dad is right. Have more faith in us,” Rainbowshine added.
Dash sighed, once again looking at her friend who nodded encouragingly. But what she saw in Fluttershy was was not the wish to stop hiding any secrets. No, what she saw in her was complete surrender. Not having much of a choice now, she spoke, “Mom, dad, what you are about to hear may be very difficult to believe. But I need you both to give Fluttershy a chance, and listen to the full story before judging her. Please.”
Both pegasi nodded, and Blaze spoke, “Whatever this secret is, you can trust us.”
“Okay, here it goes,” Dash started before pointing at her friend who lowered her head. “Fluttershy is a vampony… or thestral, or whatever they prefer to be called.”
The awkward silence overtook the room before Blaze broke it with frown. “If this was supposed to be funny, it wasn’t,” he said in an angered tone.
“Please be honest with us,” Rainbowshine added with a more passive tone. “We are really worried. It is not a time and place for jokes.”
“I am being serious. I warned you it would be difficult to believe.”
Before the parents could respond, Fluttershy raised her foreleg.
“Speak up, dear,” Rainbowshine said with an encouraging tone, but also a slightly sad smile. Even after all this time, Fluttershy still didn’t warm up to them.
“Your daughter is telling the truth. I am a thestral. Pureblood to be precise,” Fluttershy said before opening her mouth as two fangs shot from her teeth. Predicting the next question in advance, she continued, “Those are not fake, I assure you.” To dispel any doubt that may have been present in Dash's parents, she pushed her fangs into her own foreleg.
Both pegasi started in awe as drops of blood fell onto the table. They took an instinctive step back the moment her feathery wings turned into bat-like ones. “T-that’s impossible,” Blaze said, blinking in dissbelief.
Dash looked between her friend and her parents nervously while the blood on the table levitated back into the thestral’s self inflicted wound.
Fluttershy licked the mark left by her fangs and displayed her foreleg. “I trust that this proof was good enough for you.” As she expected, the heartbeats of both pegasi increased. To make matters worse, she sensed that emotion familiar to all predators: Fear.
Rainbow Blaze grabbed his daughter into a protective embrace, holding her against his chest.
“Wait a moment,” Dash’s mom said as she raised her hoof and pointed accusingly. “Vamponies drink blood. Have you been drinking it from our daughter?”
“Y-yes,” Fluttershy forced a response, which caused Rainbowshine to spread her wings and shot her an aggressive glare.
“That would explain why our daughter has been out of shape lately,” Blaze added as he grabbed a fork with his wing and walked backward. He looked at his weapon with disappointment, wishing it was at least a kitchen knife.
“I’m sorry...“ the vampony responded with her ears flattened against her head.
Rainbow Dash struggled to free herself from hers dad’s grip. “You promised…” she wriggled, but failed to gain any freedom, “to give her a chance!”
“A chance? She was making a snack out of you. How could you keep a secret that your friend is a blood sucking mon–”
“Don’t you dare!” Dash shouted as she used her wing muscles alongside her legs, and bit her dad’s foreleg to free herself. She quickly took a protective stance, standing between her parents and her friend.
“D-dash…” Blaze said in confusion as he massaged his bite mark.
“I have been letting her drink my blood willingly ever since her parents were killed!” she said hastily before taking a few quick breaths. “I begged her to feed on me, but she stopped two weeks ago!” Dash pointed at Fluttershy, who hid herself behind her mane. “She is starving herself for my sake.”
Silence overtook the dining room after Dash’s speech as the adult pegasi just stared at both fillies, unsure what to do.
“Um,” Fluttershy murmured with a tired voice as she pointed towards the window. “I can leave... if this is what you want. I don’t want to cause trouble.”
“Yes, that would be most welcome,” Blaze answered firmly. His wings were spread and ready to be used.
“No!” Dash interrupted. “I won’t let you leave and starve under the sun.” She looked at her parents with pleading eyes. “I owe Fluttershy my life. If it wasn’t for her, I would be inside a coffin rather than eating with you.”
Both parents crashed to the floor with great force while Blaze dropped his fork.
“What are you talking about?” Rainbowshine asked, terrified. Her foreleg trembled as she pointed at her daughter. “You’re lying to protect her.”
Dash shook her head before approaching her parents with determined steps. The moment they stood up and looked down at her, she looked back straight into their eyes. Not breaking eye contact, she spoke, “I am telling the truth. During a race against two of my classmates, I crashed into the ground.“ She quickly pointed towards her friend, who didn’t budge from her spot this whole time. “She closed my wounds before… before.” Dash looked to the side as she resisted urge to hug her parents. The Memory of a sharp rock piercing her chest surfaced in her mind. She had to be strong, for Fluttershy.
"And how can I be sure you're telling the truth? Do you have a proof?" the worried mother asked, glancing between her daughter and their unwanted guest.
"Would I stick up for her if she didn't? She earned my loyalty and friendship and showed her secret to help me." She took a quick breath. "I don't know how to prove it, Mom, Dad, but I am telling the truth. Please, just believe me on this."
She pointed at the silent pony. "Just look at her. Does she look like a dangerous pony to you?"
Noticing distress overtaking her daughter, Rainbowshine wasted little time before gently pressing Dash against her chest, caressing the back of her head. With her eyes now focused on Fluttershy, she asked, “Is this true? Did you really save our daughter's life?”
“Y-yes,” Fluttershy squeaked a response while awaiting judgement. She did her best to not close her tired eyes.
Blaze looked between both fillies. The moment his wife released Dash from her hug, he said, “I’m all ears. Please start from the very beginning.” His wife nodded in agreement.
Dash sat next to Fluttershy and gave her the warmest smile she could muster before turning to her parents. “It all started at flying school...”
***
“...And after we barely escaped those hunters, I brought Fluttershy here.” Dash finished the story and took a cup of water between her hooves. After satisfying her dry mouth with the refreshing liquid, she offered Fluttershy a cup, who politely refused.
“That was… quite the story,” Blaze said as he turned to Fluttershy with concern. “Umm… Miss Fluttershy, are you really over eighty years old?” The filly nodded. “For such an old lady, forgive my choice of words, you look and act like a filly.”
Fluttershy blushed. “A-age spell.” She tapped her hooves together. “This spell is very powerful and lasts a very long time, but it’s not permanent. Without my parents…” she whimpered, “I cannot recharge it. I should regain full maturity in less than a year. On a side note, for pureblood standards, I am still very young.”
“I see… I’m sorry,” Blaze answered as he looked to the side with a sad smile. “It must have been heartbreaking to witness what you did.” The filly nodded weakly before giving a sound like a scolded puppy.
Blaze looked next at Dash and placed his forehoof on her shoulder, before saying, “And you, my dear daughter. I’m impressed by the bravery you displayed by protecting your friend… However, I'm really worried about what could’ve happened to you…” He nuzzled her head. “You witnessed something no pony your age should.”
Rainbowshine struggled to calm her nerves, closing her flapping wings after taking few slow breaths. “I still find it hard to believe. They didn’t kill a single hunter… If not for their mercy, they would…”
“They would, but this would go against who they were. They chose mercy over their own lives.” Fluttershy added weakly, causing Dash’s mother to look at the floor.
Rainbowshine shook her head and stood from her seat as she approached the bat-winged filly. She could see emptiness and depression in those predatory eyes directed towards her, but felt no fear looking at those fangs on the filly’s mouth. This filly saved Dash’s life and deserved the benefit of the doubt. With one gentle move, she embraced Fluttershy and pressed the filly against her chest. “Thank you… thank you so much,” Rainbowshine said as tears formed in her eyes. “This whole time I didn’t know that our daughter would be dead, if it wasn’t for you.”
Fluttershy was speechless as she felt that pleasant warmness. A warmness she missed so much. She closed her eyes and pressed against Rainbowshine’s fur.
Seconds passed as Dash’s mother kept Fluttershy in her embrace. She slowly released the filly, only to catch her before she could fall on the floor. “Is something wrong?” she asked, but the vampony just lied motionless in her hooves. Dash and Blaze approached and looked with worry while Rainbowshine lowered her head to filly’s chest level. She could feel her heartbeat was very slow, and her breathing weak. She quickly looked at her daughter and asked, “What is happening?”
Dash rubbed her chin nervously as she got deep in thought. Her attention focused on the windows in the dining room and the rays of the sun that went inside. Slowly understanding the issue, she looked at her mom and spread her forelegs in panic. “The sun! She’s been exposed to the sun for far too long...” She started hyperventilate. “She is starving! With so little blood left, the sun must be deadly for her!”
Rainbowshine spread her wings and flew towards a door leading inward, quickly flying into the darkest part of the house, the pantry. She carefully placed Fluttershy on an old blanket and stroked her cheek. “Hang in there, please.” She wiped the tears of joy she dropped earlier and continued, “You saved our daughter. I won’t let you die in our house.”
Blaze and Dash quickly joined, barely seeing anything in the darkness, just following Rainbowshine’s voice. Blaze asked, “How can we help her?”
Rainbow Dash answered, “She needs to drink blood, but she hasn’t taken a single dose in two weeks.”
“What about regular food and water?” Blaze asked with curiosity.
“It won’t do,” Dash answered. “From what Flutters told me, blood is thestrals main food. Even if they can eat salads, cakes, and other stuff, if they don’t drink blood regularly, everything else start to taste worse and worse. For the past three days she even refused to drink a single glass of water.”
Rainbowshine’s expression saddened and her ears dropped as she rubbed filly’s belly. “This is not good. Her body must be refusing any sort of nutrition. Blood must play a very important role in her digestion system.”
“Then there’s only one option left,” Blaze said as he approached Fluttershy. His wife had the same idea.
“I may not know much about vampony physiology, but I hope that this works,” Rainbowshine said as she carefully placed Fluttershy’s unconscious head towards her neck, shivering at the thought of what she was about to do. She opened the filly’s mouth and pressed the fangs into her soft flesh. She grit her teeth to resist screaming in pain. “Now it is up to her instincts.”
Seconds passed as Fluttershy slowly opened her eyes, her nose capturing the sweet scent of blood. She pulled her fangs from whatever they were stuck in and gave a drowsy “Shmerrrr.” Her vision blurred as the room seemed to swir. The shape of a pony holding her slowly sharpened in her vision, as her attention focused on a bleeding neck. Her stomach growled and saliva started to fall from her mouth as her predatory instinct tried to take over. She was about to sink into the wound, but the memory of being hugged surfaced in her mind. With a shake of her head, she closed her mouth as her pupils shrunk, “No… what have I done!”
“It’s okay… please, drink…” Rainbowshine said as she struggled to resist the pain.
Fluttershy immediately licked the wound close and started to struggle to free herself, giving up quickly as she felt her strength leaving her. She relaxed her tired muscles and said, "W-why…? I don't want to."
“You would rather starve? Not on my watch,” Rainbowshine answered.
“Nor mine,” Blaze added, his neck in feeding range.
“B-but…” Fluttershy looked between Dash’s parents in shock, her eyes quickly adapting to the darkness of the basement. Once again her hunger caused her stomach to growl, this time even louder than before. “You won’t mind?”
“Of course not,” Blaze started and raised his muzzle proudly. ”You saved our daughter and lost your family. We have been taking care of you ever since. At this point, you’re a family member, and we don’t let our family starve.”
With a deep sigh, Fluttershy nodded in agreement. “T-thank you.” She looked at Rainbowshine and gave her serious look, “But next time, let me do the bite. Instead of putting my fangs into your veins weakly, you pushed them deeply into your neck. Please, don’t do that.”
“O-okay,” Dash’s mother responded. Somewhat surprised by the sudden change in attitude.
Fluttershy took a deep breath and gently pushed her fangs into the veins, an experience far less painful than the pegasus expected. As she took the first sip of blood, a huge satisfaction overtook her. She felt like a pony drinking fresh water after weeks spent in the desert. Blood never tasted so delicious, so filling. She sucked more and more as she closed her eyes, feeling better than ever. All the pain, starvation, the endless struggle to keep her instincts under control, all ended here and now. The drinking lasted nearly half a minute until she slowly pulled her fangs from her target's neck and licked it, only to lick her lips right after with a “mmm…” noise.
Fluttershy felt the new blood stream going through her veins, revitalizing her. Her satisfaction didn't last long, as she sensed the slowed heartbeat of the mare that held her. She looked at her with genuine concern and asked, "Are you feeling alright?"
“A little dizzy,” Rainbowshine responded as she released the filly and massaged her forehead. “The world is spinning a bit, but nothing serious.”
Fluttershy smiled warmly, but her happiness was interrupted by another growl of her stomach. She blushed before looking at Blaze with an awkward smile.
“Still hungry?” the pegasus asked as he lowered his neck.
“Y-yes… I restrained myself not to drink too much of your wife’s blood…” Understanding the gesture, she added, “I will gladly drink a little more… If that's okay with you.”
“Of course it is,” Blaze responded, somewhat glad to see a warm smile on the filly’s face. A smile he hadn’t seen for the past months.
“Thank you, thank you so much!” Fluttershy said, before pushing her fangs into the pegasus’s veins as tears of joy started to drop from her eyes. Her soul was still wounded after witnessing her parents’ death. But being so warmly accepted gave her a ray of hope for the future.
Stats
Page generated in 0.032 seconds
Total duration
845 users online
225,249 hits today, 1,223,141 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
THE FEELS... SO MANY DAMN FEELS.
I have been thinking. If this proceeds similar to canon, the Twilight will play a large role in raising Spike. In a world where the more supernatural (for MLP) exist, it would seem that raising such a "dangerous" and "evil" creature like Spike into the pinnacle of a modern citizen would make Twilight more accepting of the unknown and more liberal in general. I would see her having an easy time accepting Fluttershy for who she is.
And with the other mane six, Pinkie wouldn't care, Applejack might be nervous but willing to accept, and I think Rarity would have the hardest time, but would come around. Looking forward to the meetings.
Miss
It´s "needs" and "hasn´t".
MY FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
OK, that is it!
their are not enough for me to normally do this but I can't take it anymore!
FAV!
So, how long until they die?
5915439 I have a policy, if I feel the story is going to be a good one, I fave right in the spot. Not waiting as you do. Most of the time I'm right
5904482 I joined this story at just the right time... 2 chapters in a row!
5914990
Actually I plan for the sequel to focus on Fluttershy's adventures in Ponyville before Nightmare Moon's return. There is still much ground to cover before Twilight will appear on the scene. As for Spike, considering that many see him as tamed dragon, they don't see him as evil or threat. Monster hunters don't bother with hunting them unless they appear to be a threat. Celestia ensured that dragons don't tresspass Equestria's teritory unless it is a migration, so the situation isn't as bad as you described.
5915025
Fixed, thanks.
5915439
You sounds as if you were hesistant form faving stories.
5915512
Aren't you too pesimistic? Fluttershy's parrents were hiding from hunters for four centuries and hoped that by living a quiet life in peace will not drag any attention to themselves. Hunters attack was bound to happen sooner or later. Dash's parrents have a normal life and Fluttershy didn't leave their house for months. I don't see why they would be targeted.
5915245
5914936
5915989
Huh. I would have thought in this universe that the Dragons would be a bigger problem. Some sort of raiding, marauding group that was thankfully extremely unorganized.
Also, more Fluttershy adventures! Yay!
5915989
Well, they're housing fluttershy. Also, we never see them in the show. I thought for sure that they have a case of tragic-backstory-itis.
Nice chapter, but there's a couple of things you may want to edit.
That should be "stared".
And that should be "in".
THIS WAS ADORABLE. I loved it so much. It was adorable because the parents actually accepted Flutters and I'm just wow. You're writing is fantastic.
Sorry for not helping.
reading this story is an euphoric experience.
5916643
Fixed, thanks.
5917439
It is ok. Soge is currently working on it.
5917306
Thanks, glad you liked it, though it raise a question. Would Dash's parrents accept Fluttershy if she didn't save Dash's life?
5917626
I take it is a good thing.
5920046 But I really couldn't find much. Guess I didn't try hard enough. Sorry.
5920046 Probably not. Fluttershy is very frightening after all.
5920046 aye, 'tis a most riveting story.
YO SUNSET SHMERRRR, OVER HERE
5920661 *looks at fluttershy in her pony disguise* AUIFJGKJADFHGIAUSJTGFKASJFAFGAKUYGFRAKJGSJAGDKJAHGSKJASGHK *faints*
Poor dear, she completely shut herself off ever since that day.
I may not know much about vampony physiology, but I hope that this works
5916519
Flutter's parents and extended family all died right in front of her. I think the "tragic-backstory-itis" quota has been filled.
5915989
It took a few hours for this comment to finally sink in. Yay sequel!
...and apparently you are saving Luna having vampony Royal Guards, and the fallout from Season 4's "Bats", until Book 3 at the earliest.
I'm dying on the inside because I'm unable to cry, yet feel the need for Flutterbat's sake. The poor thing...
I can't wait for when Luna returns, though. I'm guessing the sequel of your sequel will begin the main adventure shown in Friendship is Magic. When she learns about what happened to Fluttershy and her family, if Celestia doesn't do the actions herself, those monster hunters will regret ever touching a single bit.
This story's too good to give up on, but I think I'll go crazy before I finish it.
THE FEELS
Isn't it always spinning?
It wasn't really too much of an issue until this chapter but characters seem to flip from one emotional and ideological extreme to another at the drop of a hat. There is no real attempt at showing the internal doubts that most people have as a plain survival instinct. There are also occasions where the narrative jumps around, making it difficult to follow the actions of each character at times. Overall, the way things played out was OK, but the transitions between emotional states are really rough and there doesn't seem to be much shown thought before the parents change their world views. I also doubt that, dash vouching for her or not, they would quickly dismiss the notion that this vampire thing was hurting their baby. Again, the way you played it out was fine, but the details and nuances in the way their characters acted through the scene was really haphazard and felt like they had just been rushed through all the important emotions before hitting the grand "we accept you for who you are". Just take a little more time to work through emotions, address questions the characters would have, let them air their misgivings and fears a little more fluidly and talk and act like people would with each other.
Otherwise, you're doing OK.
6945079
I found a way to fix this part at least a little bit by adding this:
Dash shook her head before approaching her parents with determined steps. The moment they stood up and looked down at her, she looked back straight into their eyes. Not breaking eye contact, she spoke, “I am telling the truth. During a race against two of my classmates, I crashed into the ground.“ She quickly pointed towards her friend, who didn’t budge from her spot this whole time. “She closed my wounds before… before.” Dash looked to the side as she resisted urge to hug her parents. The Memory of a sharp rock piercing her chest surfaced in her mind. She had to be strong, for Fluttershy.
"And how can I be sure you're telling the truth? Do you have a proof?" the worried mother asked, glancing between her daughter and their unwanted guest.
"Would I stick up for her if she didn't? She earned my loyalty and friendship and showed her secret to help me." She took a quick breath. "I don't know how to prove it, Mom, Dad, but I am telling the truth. Please, just believe me on this."
She pointed at the silent pony. "Just look at her. Does she look like a dangerous pony to you?"
Noticing distress overtaking her daughter, Rainbowshine wasted little time before gently pressing Dash against her chest, caressing the back of her head. With her eyes now focused on Fluttershy, she asked, “Is this true? Did you really save our daughter's life?”
What do you think? Does it fix the issue at least a little bit?
You, my friend, have written a masterpiece, and while it certainly doesn't lack a good, original, plot, it defiantly shines in getting an emotional reaction from me. Awesome!
the part where dash's parent lets flutters drink their blood reminds me a lot about a scene in Second Princess of the Night.
Fluttershy seems so calm now. Isn't she still supposed to be devastate from the murder of her parents? I would imagine Flutterbat would be barely responsive and that Rainbow Dash has to take the initiative, give Flutterbat all the instructions. When people are grieving they tend to become somewhat numb and very submissive. In fact Flutterbat would completely object to telling Rainbow's parents and Rainbow has to pretty much do it against Flutterbat's will. That's usually how people who are grieving act.
The pace is still way too high. Give the characters some time to respond more to their emotions.
I would think Flutterbat would require a lot of support from Rainbow now. Things like forcing her to play with her to keep her spirits up, scolding for shutting herself off and even forcing her to eat. If it really comes down to it they could also confront her with what happened and get her to release her emotions.
Things tend to go from one emotion to the next completely. While emotions shift they don't go away, even when Flutterbat is explaining herself the depression should still be there.
The parents should still be very uncomfortable with having Flutterbat when they say they accept her. However they are committed to it and though they know it will take time getting used to they will do it.
She would still feel tremendous fear when she would look at Flutterbat's fangs. However since Flutterbat saved her daughter she would suppress that and accept her.
Something like: "The mare looked into the predatory eyes and every instinct in her body screamed "danger". One look at the bright white fangs in the yellow pony's mouth filled her with dread and made her want to grab her daughter and get as far away as possible from this monster. However looking at the broken filly in front of her she forced those instincts back. This wasn't some monster, this was a young filly who just had her parents murdered in front of her. This was a filly who needed a mother right now. As hard as it was she approached the filly lying in front of her and forced herself to embrace it."
However being adults Dash's parents wouldn't just accept Flutterbat. They would tolerate her and help her but would still be very fearful and awkward around her. They still have the instincts in them that is constantly screaming to kill her and to protect their daughter from her, instincts they constantly have to keep in check.
It seems a little unrealistic how they suddenly go from being terrified to completely loving. Something like that takes time.
Having Flutterbat drink from them would go against all their pony instincts so would be extremely hard. They would be willing to do it from Rainbow and for Flutterbat but it would still be a very terrifying experience for the adult ponies.
Also Flutterbat does seem far too calm and levelheaded for a pony who is coming to terms with the murder of her parents.
7023915
I don't think they would disbelief their child like that. They just would take a while to understand it. Make apparent their fear and hesitation towards a creature as fiercesome looking as Flutterbat.
8330686
That's true, but keep in mind that Fluttershy is very mature (more than 80 years old) and she doesn't care about what will happen to her at this point. She feels that she's on her last strength reserves and she just want to come honest and clean as long as she can. You can say it's kind of like death-man wish. She feels that there's not much life in her left and she refuses to drink Dash's blood, so she doesn't have much to lose.
That's a really good point. Sadly, I had a lot of ideas and stuff to write and not wanted to drag this story for too long, so I skipped some of it. I suppouse if it was Georg writting this story, he would abuse the heck out of emotional situations, this's his speciality after all.
To be fair, they learned that Flutterbat saved their daughter's life and that she's now dying because she refused to drink their daughter's blood. This kind of dedication and the fact that Flutterbat was dying on their very eyes is a very good way to get their trust.
8330719
This line is too good to pass, so I added it with a few small changes here and there, hope you won't mind:
You should consider becoming a proof-reader considering how critical eye and ability to write improved scenes on the spot.
I can't deny that I rushed this part a bit, but what's done is done. It's an old story that have 2 sequels and I don't feel like going back to rewritting it. Let's just say that Raibow Dash parrents love their daughter a lot, and since their daughter's life was saved, their gratefulness overhelms all their fears. Not to mention that Fluttershy and Dash were friends for years, and Flutterbat had tons of opportunities to hurt their daughter, yet she didn't.
I disagree with that. This may seem like it because Fluttershy is very mature and just trapped in a filly's body, but she's devastated to a point of starving herself and not carrying about her own well being. If she was levelheaded, she wouldn't just tell Dash's parrents about her true nature, she would fear their reaction and being kicked out or hurt, but she doesn't. She just want to come honest and accepted whatever will happen to her. Like I said before, to be it's not being calm and levelheaded, but more of a dead-man's wish. She feel as if her life have no direction and holds no value anymore, so she's just honest and doesn't care about the consequences.
8330885
Sorry, not feeling like rewritting this story any futher at this point, I'm too focused about my other project. Also, if you're interested about proof-reading for me, spot is open. I'm always need of proof-reading assistance and you seem quite good at it.
8331311
I totally understand wanting to get to the actual plot... and the story really is well paced, but there seriously could have been a whole story here with the relationships between characters. (Dealing with loss, slice of life stuff, and even other characters' perspectives.)
Not blaming you for not doing that (especially if you are less comfortable with that style of writing), but I guess I feel a bit starved for good Flutterbat content. (That isn't just used as a gimmick.)
Edit: I'd suggest changing picture hosting websites. The one you are using currently leaves a rather ugly watermark and ruins the effect that it would have otherwise.
If you don't want to worry about the picture link getting broken like might happen with imgur or something, I'd suggest using a free website creator (like Weebly or various others), and just make a random website as a picture dump. You control everything about the site, so the links never break.