I sit in the cemetery next to my friends Prokun couldn't stop crying he really missed his sister now he has the whole weight of the world on his back he has to care for Snowshine, Shao, and Clarissa I hear him sing
"Guess it's true, I'm not good at a one-night stand..." He sang until he got to the chorus the we joined in
"Oh won't you stay with me? Cause you're all I need this ain't love, it's clear to see
But darling, stay with me..." We sang until seven and we all went to Prokun's house we skipped Homecoming supporting a friend is more important than a game or dance
"Prokun? Can you tell us more about your sister?" Snowdrop ask
"She was my long lost sister she was born two hours after my brother and she was taken away by my Aunt because she was jealous of my mom's success and three days after she was born she was kidnapped it took them fifteen years to find her when we found out about her she was coming to Ponyville to manage her client Sun Bolt as you know an athlete." Then I remembered that name
"Wait my Cousins name is Sun Bolt...oh...Celestia."
"Wait he's your cousin?!" Said Sweetie Belle surprised that Button even had cousins
"Yeah he wasn't the nicest person in the world he hated my Mom he thought she was stupid to marry a guy who makes and plays games."
"Yeah so Sonata was going to leave him as his manager and well as you can see he killed her. I have to leave school guys and sing professionally." He said
"What!? Why?!" We all asked of course we had to write it to Crimson
"I have to provide for my family now... We need the money..."
"No...Prokun we will help you we will try to help you all we can...we promise." I said I know he doesn't want it but he needs it he's our friend.
5674009 waiting for the artist to finish they are probably busy so I don't want to rush them
5685234 yep
Thanks for making clean versions for when you make some with bad language
Now, this concept is amazing. I love, love, LOVE what you are doing with the characters. However, there are several must-fixes that need to happen:
-Foreshadowing. Everything happened without warning, and we got NO buildup. I see the problem of: "where would I put said foreshadowing?" . Well, that's what a prologue is for.
- Steady pacing. No offence, but this thing was rushed to hell and back. Slow down, and tell us what is going on.
-Elaboration and detailing. You lack it. That is the reason people hate short chapters, because small either means short, or rushed, as said before.
Those are the 3 strikes that forces me to go no higher than a rather low 4/10. Then all the other ones that are good to have:
-Fluent dialogue
-Proper character characterization
-etc
For instance: oh! I forgot! Sweetie Belle can now pull a blinding roundhouse kick from her magical hat! HUZZAH! Did I mention that Babs somehow knew Button MAGICALLY, and decided, why not kiss him without any foreshadowing? YEAH! That too!
Those were specific characterization issues I found in chapter 4. There are a couple more, but you get the idea.
5687150 I have a question did you read the first story?
5687465 whelp, I'm a dumbass. Ok, that completely throws out foreshadowing, as I didn't do my research. But still, the other stuff is still there, and necessary. One strike non-existent.
5687548 I'm tired can we talk about this tomorrow please?
5687582 I'm on it.
5688713 okay