Sunset Shimmer was redeemed, and together with her friends they summoned the power of the rainbow to defeat the sirens, friendships that if she were still a pony would last forever. But high school ends, people go to college….and one does not become a direct conduit for the magic of The Rainbow without being forever changed.
Now Sunset returns home and discovers she has changed far more than the world she once left behind has.
Page generated in 0.25 seconds
Total duration
1,003 users online
81,085 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Ok I'm interested
Yep. I absolutely love this concept!
That's an awesome concept, it just need longer chapters and then it would be perfect!
5665960
Each chapter will be as long as it needs to be to get across it's self contained purpose in the overarching story. Expect chapters 3&4 to be much longer than the prologue, 1&2.
Could use some capitalization tweets, but def looking good!
...I love the story idea. I love that this is another Sunset Shimmer story that doesn't suck (there's not enough of those). I like how you're actually taking the time to play the scenes out.
I also like how you're not over-extending the chapters. While many readers would see this as something to complain about, there's no need to get more out of a chapter than is necessary. In fact, that, more often than not, tends to ruin chapters than improve them. If you feel that that is sufficient for the chapter, than by all means, LEAVE IT. Granted, there are a few things that you could elaborate on; the departure of Sunset Shimmer from her amazing high school friends (I'd think that there'd be a lot more emotion involved in that) being an example, but at least you didn't just gloss over it.
Now for my...bluntness.
Your grammar hurts. I would love to see this fic become well-loved. Heck, it has the potential.
I'd like to be your editor. Just send me your chapters for pre-reading. I'll point out the spelling and grammar changes, make a few suggestions here and there, and also give you feedback from me.
Like I said, I don't think that there's enough good Sunset Shimmer fics, and I like this one. If you don't want to have me as an editor, that's fine. I am in college, and so time is a commodity for me. However, this is something that would at least make me feel productive on my free time, and would be something that I would enjoy.
In the end, your story, your call.
Other than that, please keep it up.
so many chekhovs guns in one chapter.
5666886
It also means i can give you them at a steadier pace than once every other week or something.
I definitely could have expanded upon it, and probably should have expanded that scene. But i left a lot of her dealing with their loss in the implications of the prologue. A lot of goodbyes got said off screen regarding the people who had already decided they were leaving, Sunset's decision to leave was sudden and abrupt to them, but Rainbow, Rarity and Fluttershy were already moving out of town.
I know!
I'm glad to have someone volunteer another editor. (I had someone help with Twilight's letters, they do a better Twilight than me and i needed Twilight perfect for that one.)
5667412
Every one will be fired don't worry.
very nice story idea, and i finally read it. This was the first time where i would have not mind it if she would be suddenly an Alicorn, but i think it is better, that she is just special in a different way.
I don´t have much ime right now, but i want to say that i really like you story and i agrre with (
) this too.
Surpass Celestia? Could it mean Queen? Wait, how do you surpass a God?
5669633
Wait a tic, i was gonna make one of my trademark well reasoned replies drawing off analyses of primary and secondary sources.
Then i remembered, i'm writing the damn fic.
Keep reading.
Okay, it has to be said: This story is not good.
It's nothing personal, really. The idea is interesting, the execution is somewhat flawless and the dialogues are good. That is pretty much it.
While the dialogue feels natural, the characters themselves don't. It feels like out-of-character-behaviour, but I can't put my finger on it.
The pacing is horrible. In the first chapters everything happens and now we have a whole chapter for something that seems like a single conversation. You could probably cramp all what has happened to this point in a single 2500 word chapter and if you fix the pacing we might encounter the 3500-words-limit and, if you excuse that run-on-sentence, it wouldn't feel different at all.
The idea itself is good and it is executed almost, not perfect but almost, flawlessly. (The difference between perfect and flawless, is for me that flawless things can still have faults that don't relate to themselves and thus can't be perfect.) BUT PLEASE ATLEAST TRY TO MAKE IT BELIEVABLE!
The best I could say is that I feel a certain distance to the events in your story that I can't quite ignore. I'm never really 'in' the story (suspension of disbelief and all.)
Your grammar is okay, a few spelling errors on the way, but nothing serious. I'm not a grammar obsessive and I will and have ignored a lot of faults in other and your story, but I have my breaking point. Good thing is you stayed under it. Barely.
You should focus on longer chapters and try to fix your character behaviour and my major complaints are gone. Otherwise: Great story. I will continue following and reading it.
Twilight 'I have a giant sparkly crystal in the middle of town' Sparkle thinks the hair was gaudy? Wow.
Welcome to the Under 301+ Club. How tough are you?
5669633 Jesus.
Notice an auto correct error. Rarities instead of Rarity's
Don't like what you did with Human Twilight
5671671
What we know about her
1) She's human(humans aren't ponies)
2) She's all the worst aspects of twilight (Twilight who causally uses mind rape spells, and who experiments on her friends), with none of the influences that made twilight a good pony.
3) She's proudly wears a shadowbolts insignia in the merch and will be the villain along with them in the next equestria girls movie
But the important thing is her role in the narrative, it gives me a wedge in the Twilight/Sunset Relationship. A bad experience that certain aspects of Twilight's personality can remind Sunset of, some underlying tension to exploit.
I used to wonder what editing could be, until you all shared it's magic with me ahhhhh.
Interesting story. I really like the time dilation aspect, it explains so much about the movies. I've also been wondering what the heck Sunset is after that finale in Rainbow Rocks, and it looks like this story will explore that.
See I told you that you could write a good fic. You've pinned the time difference very well, it's like something out of Doctor Who and it does a nice job wrapping up the time lapse between the comics and the movies well done.
The interactions with the characters also seem very spot on and realistic. I'm interested to see where this is going to go.
Also from your previous chapter
Basically EG 2's subtle reference to Scott Pilgrim VS The World
5667412 It's referred to as Chekhov's Arsenal at this point.
Interesting story. I kinda feel embarrassed that I had the gall to argue with a great author like you. At least compared to my fics. Keep writing. I'd like to see more. There's some grammatical errors but nothing too distracting.
5681409
I'm listening to my editor now!
Also ARGUE WITH ME! MORE COMMENTS, I FEED UPON THEM!
Ahem MOAR please!!!!!
5683660
I'm like starcatcher, granting your pony wishes.
Was that last bit the Crystal Heart rays from the Crystal Empire?
The sentences were a bit sloppy at times; but you have caught my interest.
Gah, Sloppiness intensifies. Look for an editor.
5684435
I got one starting chapter 2 :D
5684152 yay!
Somehow her unique state makes me, to want that Sunset start a romance with either Rarity or Rainbow Dash, because looks so different.
I am curious about the adventure part, i can´t image if there is an enemy or a great disaster.
It looks a little bit like Twilight have a little problem with the fact, that her mentally shrine of Celestia, is beginning to crumble.
I don´t really hope for the romance, but if you should do it, i hope you pace it more or less slow.
5685366
Sunset will get to interact with all of twilight's friends/her friends alternates as the story progresses. But i need to find natural points like i did for pinkie pie.
Indeed she does.
One of the keys to good writing is knowing that your work will take on a life of it's own, whether or not there will be romance or not, it is isn't one of my prescribed plot beats i have planned out, if it happens it's because of the details. But i'm not going to shy away from it if it feels like a natural extension of those details.
5685591 i think i understand, and i am happy with the reply, i just let you suprise me
There's something important about this chapter i'm surprised no one has picked up on, or at least commented on.
5684217 I don't think so. The Crystal Empire does not do its aurora thing constantly, plus it is not on the edge of Ponyville. I think this might be Sunset's power leaking out.
5669633 I don't like the fact that you refer to them as "Gods". Not because I'm religious, but because it has very, very negative connotations. At least for me! HAHAHAHAHA! But seriously, god is supposed to be perfect. Therefore everything he makes should be perfect.
Yet nothing in this world is perfect.
Damn it. Theological debates again.
IT!
NEEDS!
MORE!
5690094
Most societies throughout the world have not had a conception of gods as perfect beings. Simply ones far beyond mortals.
Consider for instance buddhism and taoism as historically practiced. Both accept Chinese mythology with it's various gods and goddesses, and yet explicitly conceptualize perfected beings as very different from a god.
DAMN YOU! I NEED MORE!
5693717
Jeeze dude, you just got more. Why don't you discuss the more.
Think about my poor editor!
we are worried about you Discord, that means everyone that is weaker than you have to catch that evil being, not you the more or less strongest of us all.
Even if she is worried, he is that powerfull , that they have to use his Powers, i mean if there is something that could be even stronger than him, then they have to use everything that is nearly as strong as the new treat, that means Discord as well.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqK4At8X6f0
5693849
Living embodiment of The Rainbow/Harmony, A rainbow gate tearing itself open just cause.
Discord is by his nature uniquely unsuited for dealing with a potential rainbow powered threat.
Get me started on how the the games don't get the symbolism of the Arcana and the fool's journey right, I dare you.
5693757 IF HE NEEDS HELP THEN I'LL SLAP HIM AND THEN HELP HIM!
I'll be glad to help if you need help.
All of these are being named after things which so happens to be tarot cards in Binding of Isaac. Wheel of Fortune allows the player to gamble until the slot machine breaks, The Fool teleports the player back to the beginning room of the current floor, and The World, well, let's you see the entire map of the floor. I think I am thinking too far, but, you know, I can't help but make that connection.
MOAR!!
You have my attention. I await further answers, particularly about Starcatcher.
5694415
It's like i'm explicitly referencing the tarot and the fool's journey for chapter names or something.
5695026 I just realized how fitting your profile pic is for this story.
5693899
. I could not do anything against it, i heard it the moment i saw what you had written there
do you mean because he is/ was evil?, or are you talking about something like, how Rainbow Energy would bring order into Chaos or something like that?
I am not that good in analyzing everything, but i can´t simply beliefe he could not do anything.
It may be because of other Games or things i had seen here and there, but i don´t believe, that he would be simply useless, i don´t sasy that he would ebe able to solve ev erything for himsel, but i think he could help, in one way or another.