• Published 24th Feb 2015
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The Conversion Bureau: Worlds Where It Wouldn’t Work - Sora2455



Worlds where The Conversion Bureau would fall flat on its face.

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World One - Kanto

Author's Note:

There are two versions of TCB Celestia, and both make no sense. One has Celestia converts humans because she genuinely thinks that's the best option, and one because she hates humans.

My brain cannot reconcile either one to the Big Good of the 9 year old girls show, so this story will feature Xlestia, Celestia's evil counterpart.

Really, the conversion started just as it would in any other setting. Equestria popped up in the middle of an ocean and set up the horribly unfriendly Barrier to give the locals the ‘die’ to go with ‘convert or’. The world’s weather currents were messed up, machine-made objects began to degrade within the barrier, and anyone walking on two legs began to die. Then things started getting weird.

The humans had happily swallowed the lies she spun about the Barrier being ‘totally out of her control’ and ‘an unexpected consequence of their appearance’. Then they had given friendly smiles and told her that was alright, they could fix this as long as they all worked together. Explicitly including her in ‘they’.

They were all so friendly about it that she double-checked – yes, this was the race that continually enslaved the native creatures and made them fight each other.

Well, she’d taken the opportunity and offered up the idea of conversion. They had tilted their heads, and told her quite seriously that that could be plan B. Plan A was the power of friendship.

Xlestia double-checked that the Elements of Harmony were still where she had left them. Yep, still in the vaults. Oh, they meant the mundane power of friendship. Well, they could try. But unless they had far more power than she thought, that was going nowhere. Better to play the long game and let them come to her on their own.


That strategy lasted two weeks until she started hearing that the crazy weather patterns outside Equestria had started to die down.
She had immediately gone to meet the human leadership (such as it was; it was actually remarkably decentralized) and asked them how they’d done it. She struggled to mask her fury as amazement.

The group of humans positively beamed at her. “Ah, it wasn’t easy, let me tell you that! We’ve never had to manufacture TM’s in such numbers before, and giving them to trainers free of charge! Well, that went down with the corporations like a lead balloon. Still, we’ve now got the weather being what it should, at last!”

Of course. The human’s pets could do weather magic like a Pegasus could. Confound it. She’d just have to ramp it up beyond what they could cope with.


The next day, Xlestia found her grip on the weather shatter altogether. Standing on her balcony, horn aglow, she stood in amazement as the weather not only freed itself from her control, but righted itself all the way back to normal. What did this crazy world have that could shatter her magical grip?!

She heard a teleport from behind her, and whirled around to face… actually she had no idea what it was. It looked like a bipedal cat with an organic tube running from the back of its skull to the top of its spine.

It didn’t say anything, but Xlestia still somehow got the message. [Don’t try this again. Rayquaza can do much worse than undo your work.] The creature left the way it came, teleporting out.

Horse apples. She had counterparts in this world. Well… they hadn’t undone her Barrier, right? She could keep at that for now… but how about she show the humans what good conversion would do for them?


The first human to be converted was done so essentially by slipping the serum in her drink. The unicorn selling the drinks reacted in actual horror – she was ignorant of the plan – and frantically started telling the humans that the pony magic in the drink must have overloaded her magic-free human body and transformed her. The new-foal – as she called them – was brought before her immediately to see if she could revert the young girl.

Hiding a smirk, Xlestia made her horn glow, pretending to magically scan the girl. Dramatically, she gasped. “Oh no, my poor little pony! The magic has integrated itself into your very being – I fear nopony can cure you!”

Xlestia’s fake comfort speech was interrupted by a strange, enormous bug-creature flying though the open doorway. The new-foal gasped in recognition, before grabbing the thing in an awkward hug. “Butterfree?! What are you doing here? Mom’s going to be frantic without you!”

“Free!” The strange creature sang, handing the new-foal a package. Xlestia leaned over to read over the new-foal’s shoulder.

Uno, we think we’ve figured out how to revert you! In this package is a mini warp pad that will bring you straight to Bill’s place. We’ll be waiting for you!

Blinking in surprise, Xlestia was too slow to stop Uno from opening her package and engulfing herself in light. Stupid! She cursed herself as she traced the destination and followed with her own teleport.

Xlestia reappeared inside a small house packed to the rafters with strange machines. The new-foal was being hugged by a human woman (probably her mother) while a man stood adjusting a capsule off to one side.

What is this – ahem.” Xlestia interrupted her angry roar with a cough, and resumed her facade. “What is this I hear I about being able to cure Uno?”

The man got up and brushed his knees. “Oh, I’m glad you asked! I’m Bill, I run the Storage System. See, there was this one time I accidentally turned myself into a Pokémon, and if a kid hadn’t come by my house, I would’ve been stuck that way! But then I heard about this, and I thought ‘why don’t I try and fix this with the same method’?”

He went on to explain that his device would ‘separate out the pony magic’ from Uno, and turn her back to a human shape. Xlestia listened carefully for any indication it might actually work, then gave a nod of approval. When this failed, no one would try again to –

Great balls of fire.

The capsule had opened up before Xlestia's unbelieving eye's, revealing a healthy human girl where a pony used to be.

Xlestia closed her eyes and counted to ten. Then she opened her eyes, horn blazing with power, and began to set everything ablaze.


It was a week since Xlestia had abandoned all attempts at subtlety. She was pouring all the power she had into the Barrier now, expanding it far faster than it ever had before. ‘Convert or die’ was no longer implied, it was implicit.

Whatever had stopped her weather manipulation had failed to reappear again, so Xlestia was sure that this time, nothing would stop her.

The humans would join her pony ranks or they would die as they ran out of land to retreat to.

This time, nothing could go wrong…

“Um… princess?”

Xlestia closed her eyes, broke the connection to the Barrier, and counted backwards from one hundred.

“Yes, my little pony?” She asked in the sweetest voice she could manage.

Token Minion shuffled her feet. “Um, you know those magic pet things the humans have?”

“Yes?” Xlestia tried to see where this was going.

“Well, they’re all gathered around the outside of the barrier.” Token squeaked. All four of her knees had locked together, fearful of an angry response.

“How many?”

“Well… I think… all of them, princess.”


While ‘all of them’ might have been an exaggeration, it was true that a near-solid ring of creatures surrounded the Barrier – and that was just at ground level. Xlestia could see flying creatures dotted around the upper half of the Barrier and could feel digging creatures prodding at it from beneath. What were they up to?

[Pokémon are close to nature. This field of yours is so unnatural, we could not help ourselves but come.] Xlestia swivelled around in mid-air to find the feline creature that had contacted her before.

“And do what? Stare at it?! That Barrier represents their freedom from human oppression! Do you not see how they have mistreated you and your kind?! They trap you in tiny cages and force you to fight!” Xlestia was confused and angry, not a good combination for rational thinking, but this logic she had come up with when she first arrived.

[Pokéballs do not force their inhabitants to obey. Any Pokémon truly unhappy with their trainer will simply exit the ball and walk away. Really, the humans only use the things so that we Pokémon do not have to walk everywhere. You say they make us fight? We do that on our own… originally, humans oversaw the fights purely to make sure nobody died.] The creature too, ‘sounded’ like he was repeating logic he had decided on long ago.

[You do not truly understand, do you? It confused me too, when I was but a new born… humans are not our captors. They are not the inferior race.] Confusingly, the creature ‘sounded’ almost sad. [For a monarch who preaches about love and tolerance, you can’t grasp the fact that humans are our friends.]

Xlestia felt something in the air. It was the charge of emotion… it felt like a wilder version of the Elements, if such a thing were possible.
Which it wasn’t. Of course not. Not between two groups with such a huge power disparity.

Instinctively, she looked more closely at the crowd of monsters. Her wings froze in mid-flap.

Spaced throughout the crowd were humans. The humans weren’t doing much, but if there was a hungry walker, a tired flyer, a desperate parent, they were there feeding, catching, reuniting. She could feel the harmony, the love that could only occur between the deepest of friends as the humans cared for the Pokémon standing before the barrier.

[If you truly want what’s best for us, this barrier must fall.] Mewtwo telepathically projected all the sincerity he was able.

Her shock had rendered Xlestia silent.

[Very well then. Feel now the strength of our bonds!]

As some unspoken signal, all the Pokémon started to attack the barrier. Fire, Lightning, Kinetic Force, and every other conceivable energy collided with the magical wall of doom. It was the collective power of Pokemon, but it wouldn't have made a dent without the supporting energy of humanity. The synergy of friendship shook the skies and the earth.

And then, with an ear splitting roar, the Barrier shattered.

World One - Gotta befriend 'em all!