Chapter 2
MLP: FiM
Caught Between a Rock and a Pie
By: Calm Wind
Chapter 2:
(WARNING! FROM THIS POINT ON, THE STORY IS DELIBERATELY NONSENSICLE. YOU HAVE BEEN PINKED WARNED)
Pinkie rode on Braeburn's back all the way into town and to Sugar Cube Corner. Braeburn was less surprised that they ended up there, more surprised that Pinkie somehow managed to jump off his back and pull him out of the harness at the same time. The cart fell away from him and parallel parked itself between two of the tables out front as Pinkie dragged Braeburn into the bakery.
“So are ya gonna tell me why I’m here now or do I have t’just sit back and enjoy the show?” Braeburn asked with a chuckle, knowing he was in for some sort of silliness. Pinkie grabbed him by the vest and shook him.
“If only you knew! IF ONLY YOU KNEW!!!!!” she wailed while slowly sliding down and falling face first to the floor.
“I’d know if ya told me…” Braeburn scratched the back of his head as he tried to figure things out. Popped up from the floor and got in his face.
“We’ve lost a good soldier! Maud! TELL HIM!!!!!!” Pinkie yelled.
“Maud?” Braeburn blinked and glanced around. “WAH!” he yelped as there was suddenly a grey mare with a straight greyish-violet mane. She wore a bluish-grey frock and an incredibly blank expression on her face as she stood right next to him.
Braeburn put a hoof over his heart and took a few steps back, startled and confused as to how the mare had suddenly appeared beside him. She looked like she hadn’t moved for hours. How did he walk in and not notice her standing there like she was just a rock on the side of the road or something?
“Hi,” said the mare in a monotone voice, her body language and expression remaining incredibly stiff as Pinkie dragged herself along the floor, wailing and crying as she hoisted herself up and draped her body over the grey mare’s back.
“This is my sister MAUD!!!!!” Pinkie shouted dramatically.
“Er…” Braeburn glanced between the two. Pinkie Pie’s sister? They couldn’t look or be acting any more differently…
“I like rocks,” Maud added plainly.
“Right… howdy… I’m Braeburn…” Braeburn answered. “And I like… apples?” he decided to add since she so eagerly told him her singular interest. Braeburn glanced at Pinkie as she continued flail while balanced on her sister’s back.
“She just arrived to pay me a visit!” Pinkie cried “But… But…”
“Boulder fell off the train on the way here,” Maud cut in, again her tone note changing at all, nor showing any emotion. Pinkie fell off Maud’s back, slumped on the floor, and willingly bumped her head against the floor.
“OH, THE PONANITY!!!!!” Pinkie cried out. “He’s surely out there somewhere! He could be hurt! Oh, this is tragic! My sugar high brain can’t take it!” Pinkie’s arm extended, stretched all the way into the kitchen, and came back holding a tray full of cupcakes. Pinkie sat up and began stuffing her face with them as tears flowed from her eyes like waterfalls, but stopping at the edge of her face instead of falling to the floor.
“I’m sad,” Maud claimed despite not moving a single muscle in her face.
Braeburn tried breaking down what he knew so far.
This was Pinkie Pie’s sister. She was Pinkie’s polar opposite. She had just come into town… but on the way she lost who Braeburn assumed was her travel companion… a pony named Boulder.
“THIS IS NO TIME FOR TEARS MAUD!” Pinkie shot up and grabbed her sister’s face. “PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!!!!!!!!” she demanded as Maud blinked once.
“Do you think he’s alright?” Maud asked.
“YOU BET YOUR ROCK HARD PLOT HE IS!” Pinkie pounded her chest. “And we’re gonna find him! Dry those tears Maud! Braeburn is here to help us!”
“I am? WHOA!” Braeburn yelped as Pinkie grabbed his vest and dragged him back outside. Once out, she whistled and the cart unparked itself, and rolled up to them. Before Braeburn could blink, he was back in the harness. He turned around and saw Maud sitting in the cart and Pinkie dropped from above, landing beside her while clapping her hooves with excitement.
“Adventure time!” Pinkie yelled cheerfully. “We must save Boulder! We’re his only hope!” she proclaimed.
“Uh…” Braeburn’s ears flopped down. “Why exactly do I have t’come along?” an adventure wasn’t really the first thing on his ‘want to do’ list at the moment. Frankly he was too busy trying to figure himself out.
“WHY?!” Pinkie was suddenly in front of him.
“BECAUSE IT’S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE!” Pinkie yelled as Maud was suddenly standing beside her.
“Take this…” Maud suggested while reaching forward and fastening a pebble glued to a baby pin to Braeburn’s vest.
One thing was clear about Maud. She was the opposite of Pinkie in every way… but she seemed able to disappear and reappear randomly just like Pinkie. By the time Braeburn finished looking at the new ‘pebble badge’ that was on his vest Pinkie and Maud were already in the cart, and a pair of reins had appeared on the harness, attached to Braeburn.
“ONWARD! TO VICTORY!” Pinkie yelled while shaking the reins.
“Let’s rock,” Maud added.
Realizing he had no say and definitely no way out of this, Braeburn gave in and started walking slowly.
“WHOA! We’ve got a wild one here! Whoa! WHOOOOOAAA!!!!” Pinkie yanked on the rein, tugging at Braeburn.
“This cart rocks too much,” Maud complained monotonously.
“I AGREE!” Pinkie yelled. “Time for plan B!” she proclaimed, giving the reins an incredibly hard yank.
“YIKES!” Braeburn yelped as he suddenly lifted off the ground, detached from the harness and flew backwards, landing face first in a pile of hay that wasn’t in the cart when they left Sweet Apple Acres. Braeburn flailed about in the hay, sticking his head out of the top and spitting a mouthful of hay.
“It’s a good thing I always keep my PARTY JETS on hoof!” Pinkie exclaimed as Braeburn looked towards her. Pinkie reached behind herself and pulled out two enormous cylinders that looked like double sided party cannons. She fastened them to both sides of the cart.
“Yay, dangerous custom attachments,” Maud ‘cheered’ as Braeburn pulled himself from the hay.
“Pinkie,” Braeburn sighed. As much as he appreciated Pinkie getting him involved with her fun, he wasn’t in the mood. She wouldn’t like it, but he just wanted to go back to the farm and relax.
“LIKE HELL YOU’RE GONNA RELAX!” Pinkie yelled in his face.
“Wait, WHAT?!” Braeburn didn’t even SAY it. Did she read his thoughts!? THAT wasn’t creepy or anything.
Pinkie turned around and stomped her hoof on the floor of the cart. A wooden post popped up at the front of the cart. Pinkie reached into the pile of hay behind them and pulled out a large wooden steering wheel akin to those found on a ship. She smashed it against the post and gave it a spin. The cart started spinning uncontrollably.
“WHOA!” Braeburn yelled as he grabbed the side of the cart and held on tight. Pinkie grabbed the wheel and stopped it from spinning, causing the cart to stop spinning as well. Pinkie’s mane had puffed up some more as her eyes spun and Maud sat completely still only with her mane over her eyes.
“YEEEEAH!” Pinkie cheered. “The marvels of modern engineering! Alright let’s get this puppy moving!” she yelled while pulling a long string that was attached to the two ‘party jets.’ They fired in the wrong direction, sending the cart backwards and smashing into the side of Sugar Cube Corner.
Braeburn, Pinkie, and Maud all flew backwards into the pile of hay. They all popped their head out, Braeburn glaring at Pinkie as they did.
“Oops! I think I put them on backwards… hee hee!” Pinkie giggled as Braeburn sighed. He was definitely not getting out of this.
“We’re off to a rocky start,” Maud commented. Pinkie pointed at her and gave her the stink eye.
“GIRL! CALM YOUR ROCKS!” she demanded as she reached out and smacked both party jets so they turned around. “And HERE! WE! GO!!!!!” she yelled as she reached for the string.
“Celestia, gimme strength…” Braeburn rolled his eyes as her grabbed the side of the cart.
The party jets fired, this time behind them, sending the carts from zero to sixty in sugar faster than a fat free cupcake.
“IF SUCH A THING EXISTS!” yelled Pinkie as the cart cleared the edge of town in seconds, Braeburn hung on for dear life, and Maud remained sitting perfectly still in the center of the cart.
“Wheeeeeeeee…”
“Darn! Where was he hiding! I swear these cops get craftier every year!” Pinkie whined as they suddenly came to a stop after traveling for only about a minute down the road from Ponyville.
Once Braeburn was done pulling half of his mane out of his mouth, he looked behind the pile of hay to see a police Pegasus slowly walking towards them wearing a hat that was blinking blue and red lights.
“Gosh darn it Pinkie Pie, now you’re getting’ us in trouble?” Pinkie Pie had led him on trails of random and silly events in the past, but this was already turning out to be by far the weirdest… and to top it off, it was getting them in trouble?
“Shhhhh chill out guys, I got this!” Pinkie blinked and looked at Maud. “SERIOUSLY MAUD! SETTLE DOWN!”
“Okay.”
“Pinkie, we can’t mess with a cop, that’s—” Braeburn was cut off as Pinkie stuffed a hoof in his mouth.
“Oh you BET I can! Just leave it to me! The Pink won’t let this ship sink!” she reached into the pile of hay and pulled out three bundles of clothes. “Everypony hold still!” Pinkie yelled as she went to Braeburn first.
“Yikes!” Braeburn yelped as Pinkie hit him over the head with the clothes. When he opened his eyes he looked down to see he was wearing a long brown robe and a fake white beard. He looked up to see Pinkie and Maud wearing something entirely different. Maud also had a fake beard, only it was much bushier and black. She was wearing what looked like an old grey military uniform with gold buttons from over a century ago. Pinkie was wearing an outfit that looked to be from a similar era, only it was blue instead of grey. She wore a big, brown fake moustache and a wide brimmed hat.
Before Braeburn could ask what the hell was going on, the cop was floating beside the cart, staring at all of them with an extremely confused look on his face. The blue Pegasus shrugged and shook his head before looking at Pinkie, seeing as how she was at the front by the steering wheel.
“Do you have any idea how fast you were going? This is a public road,” he stated strictly… even though there were no other carts on the road… extending for miles.
Braeburn thought about trying to explain to the cop it was useless to question Pinkie, but he never got the chance.
“Oh! Silly you! We’re filming a movie here!” Pinkie nodded.
“Filming?” the cop asked, looking completely unconvinced.
“You betcha!” Pinkie smiled wide, turning the fake moustache upward. The cop looked around.
“Without cameras or a crew?” he asked.
“They're hidden! This scene has to be as realistic as possible!” Pinkie kept up the nonsense.
“Right… might I ask what film?” the cop asked, not fooled in the slightest.
“Oh, you haven’t heard?” Pinkie gasped. “It’s the blockbuster of the century! Bizarre Wars: A New Dope! Featuring the amazing story of how two rival generals from the Equestrian Civil War Era are so awesome that it teleports them to a galaxy far, far away! If you haven’t noticed, I’m playing the role of Legstrong Custard!” she said proudly while striking a glorious pose.
“And I’m…” Maud spoke up. “Playing Rockwall Johnson,” she explained as if she knew exactly what Pinkie Pie was playing at.
Braeburn flinched as the cop looked at him. Pinkie was beside Braeburn instantly.
“And HE…” Pinkie pie grabbed Braeburn around the neck. “Is playing the role of the old Jepie warrior they meet! Obi-wan Kanblowme!”
“Alright, I’ve heard enough,” the cop rolled his eyes. “I swear I always get the weirdos…”
“NOW!” Pinkie pie suddenly yelled. Maud suddenly tossed two big rocks the size of basketballs towards the cop. They were connected with a chain that draped over the cops back, the rocks dragging him roughly the ground.
“Enjoy your rocks,” said Maud as Pinkie pulled the strings, firing the party jets. They shot down the road at high speeds, leaving the cop in the dust.
“Looks like them Pie sisters are at it again!” Pinkie yelled as she and Maud bumped hooves. “By the way, kids… if you ever get pulled over, don’t do what we just did!”
“Granny’s gonna kill me if she finds out ‘bout this…” Braeburn sighed as he held on to the cart.
---To Be Continued---
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The funniest bits are Maud's 'emotional' quips, even more than poor Braeburn's reactions
omg this is hilarious with plenty of WTF moments
Two mouths maybe?
IT’S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE!” Pinkie yelled as Maud was suddenly standing beside her.
“Take this…”
is dat an intentional reference or did it just happen?
Rock puns are started to become funny.
is it supposed to be like that?
She was wearing this perhaps?gamnesia.com/images/uploads/Stone_Mask.jpg And speaking of it, I definitely caught that reference!
5663086 I seriously doubt she's talking about that.
OMG LEGENDS OF ZELDA REFERENCE! (i'm such a geek)
ERMERGERD!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DO U MAKE THE GEEK REFERENCES!
Obi-wan Kanblowme.... I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life
Pinkie you amaze me. No wonder you completely "guessed" what happen room Twighlight on the other side of the mirror.
Great job, Pinkie! You did something very incredibly stupid!
I am loving the interplay between Pinkie and Maud
Also - Obi-Wan Kanblowme, I sense that Pinkie does not like Obi-wan...or really likes him. Whichever...
I'm just gonna back away from this slowly. Hitting the skip button on it.
I don't know how Breaburn has kept his cool during all of this!
LOL Just LOL