• Member Since 7th Oct, 2014
  • offline last seen Dec 15th, 2015

Appl3dashie


Why are you reading this? Don't you have a story to read?

E

Just when Lyra's studies are going well BAM she's in a world full of weirdness.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 9 )

Now this is entertaining! Keep it up!

Interesting.

One does not usually see crossovers with Luis Carol's works...

aCB

The two biggest problems with this story are the pacing and lack of descriptions.

Everything is happening so fast it's hard to keep track of what's going on. First lyra is talking about the EQG mirror with bon bon and then two paragraphs later she's falling down the rabbit hole. There's no time for the reader to breath or digest what's happening. There's no grasp on characterization because we're given no time to get to know them.

Alice in Wonderland is a very strange story with very colorful characters and environments. However, you don't actually describe anything. There's no description of, say, the rabbit hole, so the reader has to guess as to what it looks like. This is pretty sloppy storytelling.

When you look to improve it, keep in mind to "show, don't tell" as well. The other two problems are overbearing, but this is another area where the story needs improvement.

Making liberal use of the 'Random' tag, I see...

...Yeah, I can't really say much against it at this point. Luis Carol's works tended to use it more than you did here anyway. Seriously, have you read Jabberwoky? Crazy stuff.

I hoped it was a Deadman's Wonderland crossover. It was still good, but y'know...:trixieshiftleft:

I think I would have hand waved the pocket bit rather then lamp shading it. The length of the chapter also has some room for improvement...

Keep going. I've seen a grand total of three 'Alice in wonderland' crossovers (including this one), and it would be a shame to see it drop to two.

5771416 Yeah... I kinda rushed the third.
5771361 I know. I'm planning to change the start of the first to a bit longer.

This has been an enjoyable read so far, and I look forward to seeing where it goes from here. Thus far, I think I've enjoyed Lyra's reaction to the caterpillar the most.

There are a lot of characters for Lyra to react to in Wonderland, and, I'll admit, this is the first MLP-Alice in Wonderland crossover story I've read.

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