• Member Since 18th May, 2013
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

MrNelg


"You will be EXTERMINATED: With Lemons!"

T

Sweetie Belle is on vacation with her family in Fillydelphia, when she spies a lonely old shop window with a mysterious toy within its depths. A doll fashioned in her image. It's been a long time since some pony has dared open these doors, but determined to uncover its secrets, she braves the unknown to venture within...

Special thanks to Rogueunicorn, DudeGuyOne, Dihydrogen Oxide, Alcatraz, AClosetBrony, Discord Kantus and Gadgetphile for the job of Editing/Pre-Reading and general advice.

Now with 100% Less errors, courtesy of Nekonyancer. AND... A brand new scarier ending.

Review by PresentPerfect: Here
Available in Print: Here
Audio Drama by GutiuSerenade: Here
Dramatic Reading done by Plagen Shiki: Here

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 34 )

This sounds incredibly good~<3

And I was right! :3:3

Thank you for allowing me to pre-read and edit this, it was a privilege.

This is astoundingly great work, my friend. I enjoyed the word choice, the dark but inviting style of writing and the massive amount to detail that was put into this story.

Truly amazing, my friend.

Now that was dark, great detail and the story just drags you into a treasure trove of action. :twilightsmile:

this reminds me allot of a short animated movie called alma

5651599 What??? I just finished watching it and Oh my Gawd! Oh S###! I didn't even know this existed. I actually based the story the film 2009 Coraline film. Oh Damn, I hope I don't get any accusations of plagiarism. Anyway, thanks for pointing that out. Do you think I should at least make a statement that I genuinely had no idea this short film existed?

Excellent :) Thanks for giving me the opportunity to pre read for you. I did find one thing in your final draft though: "No; shut must focus on her task tonight." Is shut supposed to be she? Other than that, great work, its an awesome story and a blast to read :)

I don't have time to read it right now, but you may wanna check the description for errors. Just saying.

The pony actually makes it out alive?!

Well...
9 out of 10.

Sweetie Belle's gonna have nightmares for a few weeks. I can tell.

"Backing up, Sweetie hit the wall, and to her surprise, it gave way just a fraction. Her eyes widened with remembrance. Second Floor: A History of Workshops. She heaved hard and the doors were flung open. Spinning as she moved, Sweetie galloped up the stairs, rounded the bend, before scrambling up and bursting through another set of double doors."

/)_< upstairs sweetiebelle! That is the worst place to be in a haunted toy museum. Oh well, at least you found a window. Anyways, great story! :raritywink: I wasn't expecting her to live. :P

aCB

I think the best way to do this is to walk through the story, giving my thoughts and what I would change. Additionally, I'm typing in my phone, so I apologize in advance for any errors.

Note: Spoilers below!

This in medias res could be a good idea, but it would be better if it had more of a hook. The purpose of having the middle of the story start as a false beginning is to pique the audiences interest and get them to want to find out what's going on by reading the rest of the story. There's nothing wrong with it as it is; it just doesn't accomplish much.

I really don't like that there's no dialog in this part with Rarity. When there's only one character, it's fine, but when there's two, it makes it seem like a synopsis. Dialog is there to help the reader get to know the characters and their states of mind. It also helps the story flow. Besides that, this was a good scene to put here. Horror is all about ramping up suspense, and this is a good establishment scene, even if it doesn't say a lot about sweetie Belle's thoughts.

Speaking of which, why was she so interested in the doll that she snuck out? It would help to create a link there. And also maybe why a child isn't shitting herself at this obviously evil place. Then again, you did do pretty good at setting the atmosphere. A few more descriptions couldn't have hurt, but I feel the point was definitely conveyed.

The rest of the story went pretty well. From the point where creepy shit starts happening, the pacing and ramping up of tension is good. I was really interested to see if she would get out, and the climax of her jumping through the window ended the whole thing nicely.

This isn't a fault of your story, but I felt like a twist ending would have been neat. Like if SB went back to her hotel and passed out until noon the next day. She wakes up, Rarity was gone only to arrive back. Rarity would say she felt sorry for calling SB's interests old and dusty. However, she went back while she was asleep and bought her a present--a doll that looks strangely like Sweetie Belle! How quaint.

It was a decent story overall. The ending could have been more impactful with better control of tension, but it worked fine as it was. I would give it a 3.5-4 / 5.

5660189 Thanks for the very in depth feedback there AClosetBrony. I'm in the middle of reading your fic, “Don't go Down There,” and I can see what you mean by, 'Dialogue helps the reader understand the character's state of mind.' I felt no need, because it was a flashback of sorts, explaining to the reader why she was here. My reasoning were, just point out the basics and get on with the story. As for why Sweetie Belle would go back, well, she a kid; All kids love toys. Plus, she would want to know why there was a Doll of her, and I honestly thought that would be something that any of the CMC would do. The whole doll thing was a twist on the usual “Girls love Dolls” trope. The undertone of the whole story I was trying to create was, She went to the museum to play with the dolls, and the dolls end up playing with her.

Also, as for why she wasn't shitting herself, well, the place still held the appearance of being in use, which is why I wrote her being cautious for a while, just in case. Heck, don't forget she was still looking for the owner. I was trying to create lots of quiet moments, to lure the reader in, before dumping the scares on them. The place felt lonely and abandoned, but she never really started to get any evil vibes from it until the dolls came to life. Then, like any sane pony, she realises it's time to leave.

Also, Damn it! I LOVE that twist ending. It would've been fantastic way to end it. In fact, I think I might go back and edit it to end like that, considering it's a little too close to the short film Alma for my liking. Thanks for the feedback. It was just what I wanted.

"You're awake? Oh thanks Celestia.”
Should be thank. Like the new ending, BTW.

aCB

5660280
When you explain it, I can understand your reasoning a little more. I think it would have been better to have all this in the story, but at least it makes sense.

Also, sweet new ending! I actually read it twice. Whoever thought of it was obviously very handsome and well-endowed. :trollestia:

gr8 job! The sweetie bell doll makes me think of coraline...:twilightoops:

That dolls gonna kill poor Sweetie in her sleep...And then it's gonna move onto the rest of the household...And then it's gonna move across the rest of Equestria, finding it's way into little fillies hearts and killing them...

What was the original ending anyway?

5730881 Sorry for the late reply, been busy. As for your question: Maybe...:pinkiecrazy: I wanted to have the ending rather ambiguous to add to the horror. I prefer to try and make the reader afraid when it comes to horror stories, as I've found that the majority of stories that have the ending flat out sad or grim tends to fall flat, because the ending IS the horror aspect of the story. And that's it. With this story, I wanted to create something that would not only scare the reader, but give them something that they could keep coming back to, time and time again. With sad endings, you only tend to read them once, and that's it.

Is Sweetie going to escape or dose a much more sinister fate await her? I want the reader to come up with their own ideas.

Now with 100% Less errors

Ehh. You may need to brush up on your math skills. If I'm not mistaken "100% less errors" means there shouldn't be anyone left.

5730881 Etiher that or absorb sweetie soul in her sleep and she be forever trapped in that doll. Esh now I got Chucky in my head.

Anyway this was a great story, spooky and i could jsut feel the atmpher as I read it. Greatly enjoyed it.

Heya! Great story, and wonderfully creepy! I put an audio play together for this fic just in time for the holidays. I know it's not a Christmas story by any means, but hey toys and dolls fit the motif rather nicely to me. :P It's complete with two lovely talented VAs, music and SFX, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did making it! ^_^

6752232 Oh my God... Wow! I am so going over to your channel to listen to this. Thanks again for doing this, and I'm glad you enjoyed it. Also, keep an eye on your own MLP figurines. Just because you want to play with them, dosen't mean that they won't want to play with you.:pinkiecrazy:

6753315 yeah, i've listened to the reading and i'll say exactly what i said there.

Holy crap, that was creepy as hell.

The ending is both terrifying when you think of it from the first perspective, but... i'm wondering if the doll honestly just wanted Sweetie Belle to own it. I mean, it never injured Sweetie, did it. She knocked it's head off, which would've given it reason to them open it's mouth to show teeth like the other puppets, but it didn't. it kept smiling. I think what's going on is one of two things.

1. the darker version, the dolls are a foreshadow, learning young ponies into the museum, then taking their souls.

2, the one i prefer to think of, the dolls were all designed at random and the spirits within them are waiting for a filly or colt that looks like them to get near the building. if they sense it, the magic of the place let's them be glimpsed by said filly or colt in the hopes it will bring the foal inside and into the workshop, where they'll be collected and cared for forever, which is why so many of the filly and colt dolls looked sad, because they still were waiting for their foal and why sweetie's doll was always smiling, because she'd found hers. As for the other dolls and toys.... i'd say they're spirits are either corrupted from being left alone in that building for so long, or they were just responding to the fact that Sweetie knocked one of the dolls over and they felt it meant danger, so were fighting back.

Of course, that's just a theory (A Pony Theory).


:facehoof: Yeah, i know. I'm never making that pun again


Edit: Yo, fellow Aussie.

7027426 Hey Autum Breeze.

Glad to see another Aussie here. As for your question, well, I wanted the ending to be ambiguous for a reason. Would Sweetie survive? Would she lose her soul? Or would your second theory come to pass? When writing horror, it's often best not to completely remove the curtain to show the full monster behind it, giving the audience only a glimpse. This fuels peoples imagination and heightens the experience, because mysteries lose all their appeal the instant you explain them. Your second theory is interesting, and I will tell you this...

The stilt like shadow that was the master of the museum actually had a name. When I was working on the story, I always refereed to it as, 'the Toy Maker.'

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

Not bad. Dolls are always creepy. :D

7391971 Thanks Mate. The idea for this story was a play on two factors. One, the 'Girls love Dolls trope,' and the FIM fandom with the whole Pony Toys looking like dolls. Just remember to keep an eye on your own MLP figurines.

One of two of the most common way to end a horror story. Ambiguity, not knowing if the character is gonna survive or not. *shivers* Moving dolls are creepy as f*ck. Well written cautionary tale. Thumbs up.

....where the hell is the Foundation when you need them?

8252872
They ran out of Class D personal.

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