Harry Gets No Luck
Everything about my head just felt ... wrong.
I checked my reflection in one of the many mirrors around Thomas’s apartment, and a stranger looked back out at me. A bald stranger.
I don’t care what Thomas said about how shaved heads were ‘in’ right now, I’m still convinced he just cut all my hair off to screw with me. I really should’ve known better than to let my brother cut my hair. It was just too perfect of an opportunity to mess with me. Sunset got a nice new haircut and some brown dye to help her blend in, but apparently there was no way Thomas could render me unrecognizable other than shaving every last bit of hair off my head.
“I miss my hair.”
“You’ve complained about that twenty times,” Sunset groused, rolling her eyes. “Get over it. Your hair’ll grow back. And honestly, it’s not like you were doing anything that great with it to begin with. It was just kinda ... there. Lying on top of your head. You barely even bothered to brush it.”
“And that’s how I like my hair,” I shot back. “Lying flat and completely unstyled on top of my head, keeping me from being bald.” I shivered as a gust of wind passed over my freshly shorn head. I wasn’t used to feeling air on my scalp, and I could only hope I would have a full head of hair again before I got too accustomed to it.
Sunset scoffed. “Fine, I get it. You miss your hair. Shall we go back to the apartment, gather it all up, and give it a proper burial? Or would you rather focus on dealing with the evil mind-controlling sirens running loose and the fact that we’re technically wanted fugitives now?”
“I miss my clothes too.” I picked at the button-down shirt I’d borrowed from Thomas. “My duster was cool, stylish—and most importantly, loaded down with enough enchantments that bullets bounced off of it.”
“Not to mention you traded out a ratty Spider-Man t-shirt and patched up jeans for fashionable khaki slacks and a silk shirt,” Sunset swooned melodramatically. “You poor, poor thing. I don’t know how you’ll survive being properly dressed for once. You might even start looking respectable.”
“Hey, I wore a tux once.” I paused, then amended. “Well, after about five minutes I was wearing the shredded remnants of a tux. Still, totally respectable. And at least I’m not wearing heels.”
Sunset grumbled, briefly wobbling on the high heels she’d been forced to replace her boots with. “I swear, if I ever find the person responsible for inventing these things...”
“You could’ve borrowed Justine’s sneakers instead,” I pointed out.
Sunset glowered down her nose at me. “Those shoes don’t go with this skirt.”
“And obviously the fashion police would arrest you right away if your skirt didn’t match your shoes.” I nodded sagely. “We’ve got enough troubles on our hands without adding them to the mix.”
My apprentice stuck her nose up in the air and sniffed haughtily. “You really don't have the slightest clue how women's clothing works, do you?”
That wasn’t entirely fair. I knew high heels were uncomfortable, and after a bit of fumbling around with my first girlfriend I’d figured out how to unhook that strap thingie that holds a bra on. Oh, and I knew that they looked good when they were dressed up nicely. So, about average for a normal human male. “Oh yes, I subscribe to all the girly magazines and just can't stop myself from picking up and reading all those gossip papers about how Oprah's doing on her weight this year.”
Sunset groaned melodramatically. “If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you actually are.”
I wasn’t going to let her out-snark me. “Your argument is based on the idea that you can put numbers on how funny something is. Everyone knows that you can't quantify good humor.”
She smirked and fired right back. “You’re right, it’s impossible to numerically calculate anything about good humor. Bad jokes, on the other hand—” The rest of whatever attempted smartassery she was about to deliver vanished as she wobbled precariously on her high heels. She quickly grabbed my arm for support until she’d steadied herself, glaring furiously down at her own feet. “Stupid shoes! I am so burning these once we're done!”
I didn’t even try to clamp down on my snorts of laughter. I suppose it was a bit unchivalrous of me, but I just couldn’t help it. “You know, I’m starting to think men have the right idea about how clothes work. What with you wearing those torture devices on your feet and being one gust of wind away from flashing your underwear at the whole world.”
“Now you know why I wear shorts underneath my skirts.” Sunset sighed and straightened the skirt she’d borrowed from Justine’s closet. “Or at least, that’s what I normally do. But in any case, what are we doing about those Sirens?”
I was all for changing the topic away from how much clothing was covering my apprentice’s naughty bits. “That is the question of the day and why we’re both dressed up so weirdly right now.” I frowned thoughtfully and rubbed my chin. “Considering they're surrounded by a bunch of vanilla mortals, most of whom have guns, I don't think we're going to be able to just go up and ring their doorbell. The place is probably gonna have more cops than a donut giveaway now that the video of us snagging Sonata is headline news. Even with our fancy new clothes and hair, I’d rather not risk too much close scrutiny.” I’m pretty sure the cops would be smart enough to expect that the kidnappers might change their appearance after their faces were plastered all over the news.
“I assume the brute force approach is out, then?” Sunset frowned. “It’d get really messy if all the cops got involved. I’m pretty sure hurting them would fall under that whole rule you’ve got against letting me do evil things. And when it comes to defense, I think I could block bullets, but I'd rather not test that out for the first time by having a bunch of people shooting at me.”
No kidding. Especially after what happened with my last apprentice. I’d put a lot of time and effort into teaching Molly how to put up a shield, and she’d still caught a bullet in the leg that left her limping for a couple years. That had always been my preferred way of doing things, but I did like to think I’d gotten a bit sneakier over the years. “So we need a better plan than charging in guns blazing. Shame we can't just dump them in another dimension like you ponies did however long ago. Though even if we could, throwing a bunch of villains on another dimension isn't exactly the most neighborly way to deal with a problem.”
Sunset nodded. “Yeah, it just makes them someone else's problem. I’m not okay with that.”
“Real class act, that Starswirl.” I had a feeling he’d get along real well with a lot of the old wizards I knew on the White Council. If nothing else, they’d be able to bond over comparing their beards. I think it must be a guild rule: if you’re a powerful old wizard and a jerk, you must have a massive beard. It would explain why the current Merlin of the council is sporting some truly impressive facial hair.
Sunset scoffed and waved her hand dismissively. “Yeah, I've always thought he was a bit of an ass. Great wizard who established a lot of the underlying principles of modern magic, but that doesn’t make him any less of a jerk.”
“Seems to be the way it goes with wizards,” I opined. “The more powerful they are, the more they become insufferable assholes.” I paused, then amended, “Well, except for me. I was an insufferable jerk back when I was still just a punk apprentice. I guess I’m special that way.”
“You’re certainly something,” Sunset muttered under her breath. I thought about calling her out on that, but I suppose I had left myself wide open to that snark. Thankfully, she spared my pride any more damage. “Anyway, I'm guessing storming one of their public events is also a no-go?”
I immediately shook my head. “Considering the potential collateral damage? No, we're going to put that idea on the shelf for now. Having a magic battle in front of a live audience is not a smart move.” I couldn’t help but think about the one time my brother had dragged me into a bunch of kids doing a live action roleplay of vampires.
Yes, that’s right, my vampire brother was roleplaying as a vampire. He has a weird sense of humor sometimes. It had been all fun and games until one of the players who’d been kicked out of the group decided to crash the party with her new buddies, a fresh batch of for-real vampires. I’d manage to contain the fallout before it got too bad, but we came way too close to a whole lot of innocent kids getting hurt.
Sunset frowned, tapping her chin thoughtfully. “So we can’t go after them where they live, or risk picking a fight out in public. That leaves us with ... luring them into a trap?”
I nodded, secretly pleased with her tactical reasoning. “Exactly. If we can’t go after them, we have to make them come to us. But you need a couple things for a good trap. First off, you need bait: right now the Sirens are being offered everything they want by a bunch of corporate executives who are tripping over each other to hand out big fat paychecks. Oh, and serve up the chance to perform in front of thousands like it's some giant banquet.” I grinned, and decided to toss a little test Sunset’s way. “Though we do have one thing the Sirens would want, don’t we?”
“Sonata,” Sunset instantly answered.
“On the nose, padawan.” I grinned and poked her little button nose just to make my point. “Given how the power of three normally works, and the fact those studio executives are going to want the full set of them for concerts, they can't perform without her. At least not as well as they normally would be able to. Thus, they need her.”
“Yeah, that’s what I figured.” Sunset frowned, kicking off her heels and going barefoot. “So how do we let them know that we have Sonata? Are we gonna phone in a ransom demand to lure them into our trap?”
I snorted at that. “Only if you want to bring every law enforcement agency down on our heads. The FBI takes hostage situations really seriously.” Considering my history, the last thing I needed to do was show up on the FBI’s radar again. “The only way to make it work is to keep it just between us and the Sirens.”
Sunset sighed and nodded. “Yeah, I'd rather not have a bunch of mortal cops jumping us. This is gonna be hard enough with just the evil mind-controlling musicians, not to mention it would make the disguises moot. But we still need to get in touch with the Sirens and let them know we have Sonata.”
“Yeah, not much of a trap if we can’t bait them in.” I rubbed my freshly shaved head as I thought it over. “Shame they haven't signed onto the Accords, because then I'd have a covert way to get in touch with them.”
Sunset sighed and massaged her forehead. “And the FIB or whoever is probably going to be tapping their phones and keeping an eye on them.”
“That’d be standard procedure,” I agreed. One advantage of spending so many years as a consultant for the Chicago PD was getting a passing familiarity with police procedure. “We did get caught kidnapping their buddy, after all.”
Sunset thought it over for a bit, then tossed out a new suggestion. “Maybe we could get in touch with them in a way that makes it clear we're clued in on the magical angle?” She drummed her fingers against the living room table. “I mean, if they know we’re magicals, they might be willing to ditch some of the mortals around them to keep it just between us.”
I nodded along. “True. They would probably be able to get rid of their followers if they really wanted to. Not to mention those in the magical community like to keep those who aren't keyed in on magic that way.”
Sunset grinned enthusiastically. “I mean, they could just enthrall the cops who listen in on the phone call to let them handle it all themselves.”
“Yeah, they could.” Of course, if they could enthrall the cops enough to make them leave, they might also be able to turn the cops into thugs. But if that happened, we still would be better off than if we tried to face them on their home turf. Sometimes you just have to grab every little advantage you can find and hope they all add up to enough to make a win.
“We will have to try and keep any messages about the spooky side of things subtle,” I reluctantly pointed out. “I don't want the Sirens to have to psychically lean on the cops too hard to make them stay. It would take a lot of mind mojo to make them not respond to a kidnapping case—enough that it could really hurt them.” I just hoped that the way Siren magic worked was more like cartoon-style harmless mind control than the way it worked in the real world; I’d rather have all the Sirens’ victims be fine once the spell was lifted than have them all be psychological wrecks who would need years of therapy to recover.
“Right. So we need something low-key and sneaky.” Sunset glanced over at me, then smirked. “I guess that means I'm the one who needs to come up with the plan, right?”
I rolled my eyes at that totally unjustified attack on my character. “I've learned how to be sneaky over the years. It took a lot of beatings and hard lessons for me to learn, but I did learn. It’s been years since I entered a building by blasting the door off its hinges.” Going through the wall’s a lot safer anyway. People boobytrap doors a lot more often than they do random sections of wall.
“Yeah, I’m sure you know all about being subtle and sneaky.” Sunset’s sarcasm was so thick I could’ve cut it with a knife. “So, fearless leader, what's the game plan? Maybe try and slip in a couple sneaky key words during the conversation?”
“It's one possibility,” I conceded. “But tricky to do without any definite frame of reference. It’s hard to spout out a bunch of meaningful code words when we’ve never even talked to them before. I mean, I could call them saying we're the Magical Singing Taco Delivery Service, but they might just think it was some sort of weird wrong number.”
I sighed as the inevitable unpleasant solution sank in. “Really, this would all be a lot smoother if we could get a third party to contact them for us.” I rubbed my newly-shaved scalp as I felt a nasty headache coming on. “As much as I’ll probably regret it, I might have to ask Thomas if he can arrange something. He and his sister have contacts in the upper echelons of society, including some parts of the entertainment industry.”
Sunset frowned skeptically. “Won't that mean you'll owe them a favor? That's usually bad news, isn't it?”
“Yeah, being in debt to the White Court vamps is not a situation I’d ever want to be in unless I had no other options.”
“That bad?” Sunset asked, frowning. “I thought you get along pretty well with the White Court.”
“Oh yeah, Lara’s the head honcho, and she definitely likes me.” I paused a moment for effect, then added, “But the White Court are still predators at the end of the day. She doesn’t see any conflict between being personally fond of me and eating my soul the instant I become inconvenient to her plans. Or if she’s just hungry enough.” I shivered as I recalled the one time she’d tried making a meal out of me. “Owing the White Court is almost as bad as owing a favor to one of the Sidhe—and they're only second in that category because the Sidhe are better at blackmailing you into cutting more bargains with them just to get out of the first deal you gave them. If Lara gets my balls in a vice, she won’t hesitate to squeeze.”
“Thanks for that lovely mental image,” Sunset groused, her lips curling up in disgust. “Anyway, let's save that for our Plan B. Which would mean a lot more if we had a Plan A.”
“Can we even have a Plan B before there’s a Plan A?” I asked. “I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to work that way. Though I guess we technically do have something resembling a Plan A, even if it’s looking like a lot of stumbling around in the dark.”
“So pretty much your normal way of doing things?” Sunset snarked.
“It worked fine when I went up against you,” I shot right back. “And to be fair, most of the time I'm looking for someone or something, and they can be very hard to find.”
“Too bad you can’t stop the Sirens by just pulling a gun on them,” Sunset countered with a smirk. “But that means you're developing some variety in how you do things. Better late than never.” She paused for a moment, then surprised me by actually tossing out a helpful suggestion instead of more smartassery. “Maybe we could have Sonata make the ransom call? She'd know what to say.”
“She probably would,” I conceded. “But even if we can get her to stick to a safe script, we still have that same issue with the police. It would just be a different caller.”
“Good point.” Sunset conjured up a small fireball and began idly flicking it between her fingers. I thought about warning her to be careful, but my brother has enough cash that he can afford to replace one or two singed pieces of furniture. Besides, that bastard had just shaved me bald. He was lucky I wasn’t letting Sunset burn the place to the ground.
Apparently playing with fire helped her concentration, because a couple seconds later Sunset tossed another idea my way. “Maybe if we mention Equestria?”
I thought that over and found myself slowly nodding along. “Yeah, that’s actually a pretty good idea. That, and maybe tossing out a couple more words like Starswirl would definitely let them know we’re clued in, but should go right past any cops who might be listening in. Good thinking, padawan.” Sunset grinned proudly at the praise. Underneath the snarky, smartass attitude she did seem to like having my approval. “So now that we’ve baited the hook, we just have to pick where we're going to meet them. And by meet them, I mean ambush them.”
Thankfully, Sunset continued to be full of good ideas. “Any chance we could lure them out to that island of yours?”
“Maybe. It's not that hard to rent a boat to sail out there if you know the coordinates.” When it came to picking a place where I had the home field advantage, it would be pretty hard to beat Demonreach. I’d bound myself to the island’s genius loci, which gave me a ton of incredibly unfair advantages in any fight where I had my feet on Demonreach’s soil.
“The tricky part would be getting them all the way out to my creepy, isolated island without them realizing it might be a trap.” I grimaced as I thought it all over. “They’ll have to suspect that we’re luring them out into the middle of nowhere so we can jump them while they’re alone with no witnesses around. It won’t be much of an ambush if they know we’re planning on jumping them.”
“Yeah, they’ll probably suspect we’re after them as well,” Sunset conceded. “Especially if we name-drop Equestria and Starswirl the Bearded. That would be enough to give away that we know they’re after world domination too, but I don’t see how them knowing it’s a trap changes anything for us.”
I thought it over for a moment, then agreed. “Our bait’s too good for them to pass up. Between getting their bandmate back and finding out what we know about their ties to Equestria, we’ve got way too much leverage over them for the Sirens to risk letting us get away. Yeah, they’ll know it’s a trap, but they’ll have no choice but to spring it and hope they can out-sneaky us.”
“Out-sneaky?” Sunset asked with a skeptical frown. “I think you mean outwit. You know, since that’s actually a real word.”
“I meant what I said,” I grumbled. Stupid apprentices correcting my grammar. “I expect the songbirds are gonna be packing some kind of nasty surprise for us, but they’ll have a hard time catching me off-guard on Demonreach.” Having instant and complete knowledge of every single living being on the island would make setting up any kind of ambush just about impossible as long as I was paying attention. Granted, if I was in the middle of a knock-down drag-out fight with the Sirens, I might be just a little distracted.
“You do know that place like the back of your hand,” Sunset agreed. “And it’s a safe bet the Sirens have never been there before.” She frowned thoughtfully. “Too bad we don’t know anything about what magic they might have at their disposal besides the whole mind control singing thing.”
“Mind control singing’s not enough?” Even as I asked the question, I realized she was probably right. “Yeah, they’d have to have some kind of backup plan. From what you and Celestia said, they’ve been around for more than a thousand years. If all it took to render them completely powerless was a strong will or a set of earplugs, they wouldn’t have lasted that long.”
“So they’ve probably got a Plan B too,” Sunset concluded. “If they’re bringing mind-controlled minions and they’ve got combat magic, we’ll be in for a tough fight.”
“Yeah, we will.” I was tempted to call in some extra support, but I just didn’t feel comfortable taking that kind of chance. Any friends I turned to might have already been compromised by the Sirens, and even if they were clean I would be putting them at risk of getting mind-whammied by them. While I’m still not wild about the idea of ever putting my friends in danger, even with the world on the line, in this case there was also a more pragmatic angle to it. I wasn’t just protecting Murphy, I was protecting myself from getting shot in the back by Murphy. It just seemed a lot safer to keep as few pieces on the board as possible.
I groaned and rubbed my forehead. “I guess I could try talking them into surrendering peacefully, but I wouldn’t bet the family farm on that working.” Hell, I wouldn’t bet a penny on that working.
“Hey,” Sunset grinned over at me. “Relax. We handled Sonata. We can take the other two.”
“There’s a big difference between jumping someone in a dark alley and taking them on when they know a fight’s coming,” I cautioned. “You’re an ex-bully, you should know all about that. Since the Sirens seem to be some sort of practitioners, if narrowly focused ones from what we've seen, they'll be a lot more dangerous when they know trouble's coming.”
Sunset smirked and tapped her ears. “Yeah, but we'll know to bring earplugs to the fight.”
I chuckled. “That will help. And I’ll pack two extra rolls of duct tape.”
“But of course.” Sunset agreed.
“Right.” I got up from the couch and stretched. “So let’s tie a young woman up in some duct tape, take her to my haunted island, and use her as bait so that we can capture two more young women. Nothing creepy about that at all.”
“Don't forget the other young woman you've conned into being your accomplice in all these kidnappings.” Sunset paused, then giggled. “You know, I don't think this was what Celestia had in mind when she made me your apprentice.”
“I'm probably not doing the best job of being a good influence on you,” I admitted. “I suppose it was inevitable; first I was teaching ponies human curse words, and now I’m making you follow me into a life of crime. I needed a new hobby, so I guess corrupting the youth will do.”
Sunset got up as well, shrugging. “Don’t worry, I think I'm still less corrupt than I was when we first met. I mean, it’s been a while since I tried to conquer the world.”
“Good point.” I retrieved my staff. “You haven't tried to steal any magical artifacts while my back has been turned, have you?”
“Nope.”
I nodded, quite satisfied with her answer. “Then we're getting somewhere. As long as you haven't used taking Twilight's crown as a gateway drug to worse things like mass mind control or ritual sacrifices.” I sighed melodramatically. “You know how it goes: one day you’re stealing the prom queen’s crown, the next thing you know you’re breaking into an elementary school to steal some first-grader’s arts and crafts project because you’re jonesing for a fix.”
“Guess it’s a good thing you helped me beat all my bad habits, then.” Sunset paused, then grinned and opened the door for me. “So, onwards with the ransom demand for our kidnapping victim?”
I chuckled. “How else will I drag victims back to my evil island?”
Sunset pursed her lips in thought and tapped her chin. “Well, we could always get a windowless black van and offer them some candy...”
“One step at a time, padawan, one step at a time.”
“Why is it so hard to find a fricking payphone?!”
We’d spent nearly an hour driving around Chicago to try to find one, but thus far I’d had no luck at all. It was nuts.
“Do they even still have those?” Sunset asked, frowning. “There’s not much of a point to them now that everyone has a cell phone.”
“I don’t have a cell phone.” Have I mentioned how annoying it is that magic and technology don’t get along? “And even if I could use one, there’s probably some way to track those things. Same deal with a landline.” That was why I wasn’t just borrowing Thomas’s phone; you don’t use a friend’s phone to call in ransom demands. I owed my brother some payback for shearing off all my hair, but siccing the FBI on him was going overboard. Now, if he dyed my duster pink while it was in his care….
“You really need to find a way around those tech issues,” Sunset opined. “You’re already missing out on cell phones, the internet, social networking, all that good stuff. And it’s only going to get worse over time. Soon you’ll be reduced to living in a cave while the rest of the world is like something out of a science fiction movie—especially if what you told me about how long human wizards can live is true.”
That was actually a rather scary thought. Considering how crazy technology was, I was probably only a couple decades away from my techbane status turning me into a complete social pariah. The last couple times I’d gamed with the Alphas, there’d been some good-natured grumbling about how they couldn’t use digital character sheets or references, use their dice-rolling apps, or look up anything online because I was there.
Personally, I thought it was more fun to do our geeky gaming with a pencil, paper, and dice the way the ancient cavemen did in the early days of RPGs. Thog roll initiative to smack with club!
To be honest, one of the reasons I hadn’t been in any hurry to stop living on my creepy island in the middle of nowhere was because of all those technology issues. If I tried getting a new apartment I’d probably ruin my neighbor's cell phone, internet, computer, and everything else. In ten or twenty years it might be even worse. What if everyone wound up being so loaded down with new gizmos that I couldn’t walk down the street without shorting out thousands of dollars worth of electronics? And that didn’t even account for stuff like implants. I already worried about shorting out some old guy’s pacemaker just by sitting next to him on the bus; imagine what it would be like once everyone was a cyborg or something.
Hell’s bells, my grandfather could remember back when the U.S. had just been a bunch of British colonies, and the world hadn’t slowed down an iota since his time. How crazy would things be by the time I was an old man?
“Hey!” Sunset jabbed me in the shoulder, dragging me out of that reverie. “Let’s try a bus station or train station, maybe the airport. If any place is still gonna have payphones, it’d be a big travel hub like that.”
“Good thinking.” I hit the brakes and quickly reoriented myself within my mental image of Chicago to figure out where the closest place would be. “Let’s try Union Station. It’s not that far away, and I’m pretty sure I saw some phones there last time I visited.”
I was reasonably familiar with Union Station, thanks to my habit of taking old-fashioned trains over high-tech, fragile planes. I’ve always liked Union Station; it’s got a huge, classical grandeur to it that you just don’t find in modern architecture. I certainly liked it a lot better than all the newer buildings that felt the need to constantly shove how high-tech they were in your face by making everything out of glass and metal. Union Station was a grand old dame, and proud of it.
Pity the inside’s not as nice as the outside. Sure, there are still some places that have the good old style, but a lot of the interior’s been redone so it looks like an airport—all sleek, modern, efficient, and soulless.
Admittedly, they’d probably needed to do a lot of repair work after that one fight I’d had here about five years back. Gruffs, hobs, and angry wizards do tend to cause a lot of collateral damage when they throw down. Still, they’d left a few retro-ish things in place after the renovations—one of which was payphones..
I quickly located one that was reasonably far away from anyone who might inconveniently listen in on my conversation, then slipped in far too many coins for my liking. I could just be feeling nostalgic for the days when phones were only a quarter, but I think in this case I was just feeling cheap. Maybe I could try billing Celestia once this job was done?
I punched in the number I’d gotten from Sonata and waited. The phone rang nearly half a dozen times before it got picked up, which inclined me to be suspicious. Maybe it was paranoia, but that long of a delay could mean all the cops and FBI guys were busy getting all their phone tracing stuff ready to go.
“Yes? Who is it?” The voice on the other end was female and smooth, almost musical. Very fitting for a Siren, I supposed.
“Yes, this is Henry Drafton from Equestrian Delivery Services. Who am I speaking to?” Not my best alias, but it got the job done. And hopefully the name-drop would catch her attention while at least being in the same neighborhood as subtle.
There was a slight pause, then she answered. “You’re speaking to Adagio Dazzler. I assume you’ve heard of my band, the Dazzlings?”
“Can’t say I have, no.” When in doubt, it never hurts to poke the bad guys in the ego. Given that Adagio had named the band after herself, it was a pretty safe bet she had one. Besides, she was a cartoon villain. All cartoon villains have big egos. Adagio didn’t say anything, but I could just imagine her eyes narrowing and her grip on the phone tightening. I let her stew on that for a couple seconds, then got back down to business. “It seems that Starswirl the Bearded was supposed to deliver a package, but it's gone to the wrong address and needs to be returned to the sender.”
This time she was silent for a long, long time. Name-dropping Equestria could’ve just been brushed off as a coincidence, but Starswirl was a lot more specific. When she finally answered, she sounded a lot warier. “Exactly who is the sender this package would be returned to?”
“It’s listed on the form as a ... Princess Celestia.” I faked a chuckle. “Man, the names you guys come up with are something else.”
“Uh-huh,” she answered neutrally. “And what do you want?
I decided to move in for the kill, and discard what little subtlety I’d been using so far. “Well, we thought you might want to pick up some singing tacos you've misplaced. We can let you know where to come to get her—them.”
There was another long pause, and I heard some muffled conversation in the background. Hopefully that was Adagio talking to her bandmate and not to the cops. Finally, she answered. “And what do you want for them?”
Man, would it be awkward if she showed up expecting us to actually have tacos instead of Sonata. My face would be so red... “Tell you what, why don't you come pick them up, and we'll work out the details from there?”
“Works for me.” Adagio drummed her fingers on the phone’s receiver. “It better be a good deal. If I find out you’re wasting my time, I’m going to be very annoyed. And you wouldn’t like me when I’m in a bad mood.”
I couldn’t pass up a perfect opening like that. “Sweetie, I grew up reading Incredible Hulk comics, and you’re neither incredible nor hulking. I’ve seen your videos; you’re a toothpick. Seriously, I’d suggest eating less negative emotions and more cheeseburgers. That’s the only way you’ll ever bulk up those pipe cleaner arms.” I let her chew on that for a moment, then continued. “You wanna know what I’m offering? How about an all-expense paid vacation back to your homeland? I bet you miss it.”
“It has been a millennia plus since I’ve been in Equestria,” Adagio agreed. “Still, I’m settling in rather nicely here. I’d certainly be up for a homecoming tour to take care of some old unfinished business, but I was thinking of setting down permanent roots here.”
“Pity, I was hoping for more of a long-term relocation.” I tsked and shook my head. “Princess Celestia told me that she’s already set aside some lovely rooms just for you girls. Seriously, Equestrian dungeons are better than my house.”
Adagio chuckled and brushed my comment away. “Tempting, but I think I'd rather move into the royal accommodations. They're much nicer.”
“Princesses do have all the nice little perks, like the little bit of chocolate on your pillow before you go to bed at night.” I quickly scanned the area to make sure our conversation was still relatively private. “Of course, there is the slight problem that Celestia’s using the royal quarters for herself right now.” Well, herself, her sister, and however many other princesses they’d added by this point.
Adagio chuckled, low and throaty. “I’m not worried about that. I can be very convincing when I need to be.”
“So I've heard.” I decided to tweak her ego again and see what happened. “Though to be honest, I thought your song on YouTunes kinda sucked, and your video on iTube was really lame.”
Sunset groaned and whispered something to me. I quickly covered the receiver so Adagio wouldn’t hear my response. “Oh who cares? They’re pretty much the same thing anyway. Tube, tune, it’s only one letter’s difference.”
On the other end of the phone, Adagio sniffed haughtily. “If you don’t like our music, then that’s just proof that you don't have any taste. Or you’re jealous of our musical talents.”
“Oh please, if anything it’s you who would be jealous of me!” I could play a pretty mean guitar as long as there was an angel inside my head taking care of all the actual playing. “Just be glad I'm not challenging you to a sing-off. You’d go down hard.”
Adagio answered with a cold, mocking laugh. “I believe it. I can tell just by listening over the phone you'd make my ears bleed by singing.”
That was hardly fair. In all my years of singing in the shower, I’d only ever made Mouse’s ears bleed once, and he’s a dog with sensitive hearing. I tossed another verbal volley Adagio’s way. “While I strongly recommend earplugs to anyone who ever listens to your songs. Granted, that's mostly because of the mind control rather than how terrible your music is. Good thing I'm strong-willed enough to brush off a weak spell like that.”
“Oh, you haven't heard anything yet.” I could practically hear Adagio’s smirk over the phone. “We're just getting warmed up. I’ll admit, the performance loses something when you’re just watching a video. Seeing it live and in person will be—”
“Do you guys take requests for your live shows?” I cut in. “Do you do polka? 'Cause I know a guy who has a polka suit, and we could probably get him to help out. He’s really good; he even managed to stop a zombie T-Rex from going on a rampage with his polka powers. Bet your Siren magic can’t do that.” I grinned as a particularly wonderful idea sprang to mind. “Maybe we could have Pinkie Pie come over with her polka suit and make it a duet?”
Adagio scoffed. “Polka? Sorry, we only do cool types of music.”
Oh no she didn’t! There are a lot of things I can tolerate, but there are some lines you just don’t cross. Ever. I glared at the phone, my voice deadly serious. “Polka will never die, bitch.”
“I don’t think something can die if it was never really alive to begin with,” she shot back. “But in either case, polka’s not what I’m planning to kill. You, on the other hand ... well, you’re just a fragile little human.”
“A lot of folks have bet that. Most of them were wrong.” I threw a little extra menace into my tone. “I’d give you some references, but most of the people who tangled with me aren’t in any condition to answer questions.”
“Big man.” Her voice shifted, sharp and mocking. “It’s easy to talk, but I bet that’s all you’ve got. I think I’m going to enjoy turning you into another one of my thralls. You’ll be in charge of cleaning out that nasty gunk that builds up under my toenails. It certainly sounds like something that would suit your talents.”
“Bring it on, songbird. I eat monsters like you for breakfast, and right now I’m very hungry.” Before she could toss out any more threats, I decided to cut the potential pissing contest short. “Also, my dick’s bigger than yours. Because you’re a girl. Well, unless you Sirens are packing some extra equipment under the hood. Not that there'd be anything wrong with it if you were. Considering the crazy stuff I deal with on a daily basis, that wouldn't even register as significant.”
I could hear the plastic case of Adagio’s phone creaking in protest as her grip tightened. I’ve always had a talent for pissing off the bad guys. The mocking tone had vanished from her voice, replaced with barely controlled anger. “Where's the meet?” I gave her Demonreach’s map coordinates. “Are you stupid or something? That's in the middle of the lake!”
“There's an island there,” I assured her. “It doesn’t show up on a lot of maps, but trust me, it's there. That’s where Sirenbowl is going down.”
“There better be an island there,” she growled ominously. “Because if you think you can get away with making a fool out of me, you’ll spend the rest of your life learning how very wrong you are.”
I rolled my eyes at the villain bluster. It’s nothing I hadn’t heard dozens of times before. “Yeah, sure, I called you guys and risked exposing myself just so I could send you all off on a wild goose chase. You want your buddy back and to eliminate a potential threat, I wanna take you guys down before you cause any damage. Might as well fight it out now and save ourselves the trouble of playing cat and mouse for weeks.”
“Fine,” she answered shortly. “When do you want to meet?”
“I’d rather not wait until tomorrow for high noon to come around again, so how about we make it midnight? Nice and dramatic that way.”
“Works for me,” the Siren growled. “Enjoy your last hours of freedom.”
“Back at you.” I paused, trying to come up with a really nice, snappy one-liner to finish the conversation with.
Adagio didn’t give me enough time. “Get ready for a performance you'll never forget.”
I couldn’t let her be the one to deliver the final one-liner, so I quickly shot out the best thing I could come up with on short notice. “I will. And then I'll boo you off the stage. With my boot. Which I'll be kicking your ass with.”
I mentally groaned at my own incompetence, then slammed the phone back into the cradle before Adagio could start laughing at me. My snappy one-liner powers always fail me at the worst possible time.
Sunset, who’d mostly been dutifully quiet while I was on the phone, couldn’t resist the golden smartassery opportunity I’d handed her. “Next time, think of your witty comeback beforehand. That way, you’ll have it ready for the end of the conversation.”
“Bite me, padawan.”
After a couple final bits of last-minute preparation, Sunset and I headed out to Demonreach. I was a bit surprised by how much I didn’t like that I was going it alone for this fight. I’d always told myself I was a big tough loner, but this was the first time in a while that I’d really gone into a fight with a heavy hitter without a lot of my friends backing me up. Sure, I had Sunset helping out, but the closest I’d come to fighting alongside her was when I’d fired a gun in her general direction.
Sure, there’d been practicing since then, what with her being my apprentice and all. But that was still—well, practice. There’s a big difference between doing some exercises together and going into a knock-down drag-out life-or-death fight with her as my only backup. Still, beggars can’t be choosers. She was the only heavy hitter I knew who I was completely—well, ninety-nine percent sure wasn’t under Siren control.
That’s the nasty thing about fighting mindbenders: it really fuels the old paranoia. And this is coming from a guy who regularly checks to make sure that are no invisible demons trying to eat his face.
That’s why I wanted to make sure I had an ace in the hole for this fight, something Sunset didn’t know about. If the Songbirds got to her, she couldn’t give away information she didn’t have. I sent her off to go do a quick check around the island to make sure there were no nasty unexpected surprises, but I was mainly just keeping her busy while I did my thing. “Alfred? Hey Alfred, I need to talk to you!”
In the time it took for me to blink, the entity appeared. A twelve foot tall, vaguely humanoid thing wrapped in a black cloak, with unnaturally bright green eyes. It was the island’s genius loci, literally the spirit of the place.
A long time ago, the original Merlin had decided to build a giant prison for every single nasty thing he could find. Since I’m just a lucky guy, I’d stumbled onto the island and somehow wound up becoming latest warden of the prison. Naturally, a prison that holds everything from skinwalkers to a couple fallen gods needs some seriously powerful mojo to keep all the inmates contained. That’s where Alfred came in; he was basically the intelligence coordinating all of the island’s magical defenses.
Plus he was kinda like my butler. Thus, Alfred. I’m clever like that.
Most importantly for my purposes, he didn’t watch any videos on iTube, and he could pack one hell of a punch. I’d seen him face off against two Sidhe queens and more than a dozen of their retainers, plus an army of attacking Outsiders and their cultists. That had been enough to overpower him, but it had been a pretty close fight. I was willing to bet the Sirens weren’t in that weight class. If they were that badass, I don’t think a gut punch and duct tape would’ve been enough to contain Sonata.
I got straight to business; Alfred’s not one for small talk. “We’re going to have guests in a couple hours. A pair of Equestrian Sirens. Sunset and I should be able to handle them on our own, but I’d like to have you on standby in case things go wrong.” I thought it over for a minute, then added, “Once we’ve got them subdued, lock them up somewhere. As long as I’m running this magical super-prison, I might as well use it.”
Alfred was silent for a long time. He’s not much of a talker. Though I think part of that is because he could give Luna’s Traditional Royal Canterlot Voice a run for its money. “EQUESTRIAN SIRENS? HOW DO THEY DIFFER FROM GREEK SIRENS?”
One thing I’ll say about talking to Alfred, it really cleans all the wax out of my ears. “Well, from what I can tell they still do the whole mind-control singing thing. They’re a bit more like White Court Vamps in that they feed off emotion. Their magic basically turns everyone who hears their songs into an asshole, and that makes them stronger.”
Alfred mulled that over for a bit, staring at me with mildly disturbing intensity. I jumped a little when he finally spoke. “THEIR MAGIC IS SIMILAR TO THAT OF YOUR NEW APPRENTICE?”
“Um, yeah.” I shrugged. “I mean, it’s still Equestrian magic, not Earth magic.”
“PROBLEMATIC,” Alfred announced. “YOU SHOULD NOT BRING OUTSIDERS LIKE THEM TO THIS PLACE. THEIR MAGIC DOES NOT FOLLOW OUR RULES.”
Alfred sounded ... annoyed. That couldn’t be a good sign. “Well I couldn’t fight them in the middle of the city. They can turn everyone who hears them into thralls. I’d be swarmed by a bunch of mind-controlled people, and I wouldn’t have many ways of stopping them without someone getting hurt.”
“EQUESTRIAN MAGIC IS DANGEROUS,” Alfred growled. “UNPREDICTABLE. INSUFFICIENT DATA. THE EQUESTRIAN SIRENS SHOULD NOT BE HERE. NOR SHOULD YOUR NEW APPRENTICE.”
“Whoa, chill out, Alfred.” It had been a while since I’d seen him get this agitated. “What’s the big deal, anyway? I mean, yeah, Equestrian Magic doesn’t mess with technology and can do a few things earth magic can’t, but it’s still magic, right? You can handle them.”
“INSUFFICIENT DATA,” Alfred answered.
“You ... can’t handle them?”
“INSUFFICIENT DATA.”
Super, his record had started skipping. I sighed and tried a new line of inquiry. “Okay, so you don’t know exactly how their magic works, and that makes you wary. I get that. Gimme a worst-case scenario. I mean, it’s not like they could mind control you.”
Alfred glowered at me, then answered, “INSUFFICIENT DATA.”
That caught my attention. “Wait, you’re saying they might be able to take control of you? Turn you against me, tell you to let loose all big nasty monsters you’re holding ... everything? Then use more of their magic to take control of all the prisoners?”
“IT IS POSSIBLE.”
“Oh.” My knees started shaking. I might’ve just given the Sirens the ultimate army of evil minions. “Oh crap.”
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The confrontation between Dresden and Adagio was hilarious. Also, Equestrian magic is broken as hell.
Somebody didn't think this all the way through, huh?
Harry may start to believe a nuclear option might be needed...considering just how bad this could all turn out. Then again dropping a nuke might not do much of anything...Oh well time to move to another rea-...oh wait that isn't enough to get away for long either.
Harry you idiot...
*Edited name goof once pointed out, thank you Dragonlover553*
6112195 It might be broken as hell. in the words of an expert:
INSUFFICIENT DATA.
This is the time to reveal you bought Alfred some industrial earmuffs and a 20mm sniper rifle.
Yes, I'm aware those calibers are for shooting tanks. Might as well obliterate them just in case.
I think I have Joss Whedon-based PTSD, because that line halfway gave me a flashback.
Weird that Demonreach doesn't know how to handle foreign magic - I would expect fallen gods, rakasha, jotun, tengu, fairies, Hastur, and other baddies to live by a wide range of rules. Just another sign that the universe wants to toy with Dresden.
6112673 heee...big badaboom!
6112736
There should be a picture of Demonreach holding a tank turret like a pistol.
For when he really can't be bothered to deal with things the normal way.
6112713
Well, there is a reason that Butcher once mentioned on the forums that a hypothetical Dresden Files movie would probably do pretty well if it was a Wheedon production with Nathan Fillion playing Harry.
Merlin was Starswirl, wasn't he? Or at least familiar with him.
Nice speculation on the consequences of Harry's tech bane effect increasing over time.
Would have fit better if Demonreach's last line had been "POTENTIALLY." Both because it is more laconic and because it's what he's said in similar contexts in canon.
6112943
...yeah, yeah I can kinda see that happening. Although Butcher's dialogue is still better than Whedon's.
6112713
6112943
Forget Whedon, try Jim Butcher himself. Admittedly, there may be some inspiration involved....
6113626
Well, they do say plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery.
man, that is definitely one of the reasons why I dislike Equestrian Magic, it's so 'up to the writer' that most of it is impossible to really quantify. Mostly because the show was intended for children and they didn't have to worry about 'magic A is Magic A'
Also isn't Adagio's last name Dazzle, not Dazzler?
Its a good thing Harry isnt in the UK. Here, the calling phone tells teh called phone what its number is,m before it even starts to ring. Then you have every man and his dog has the number look up database which tells you where that number is, and then you have major rail stations have armed police roaming them depeinding on situation. Fastest tme from dialing in and getting looks your way? About ten seconds? If they were on the ball.
I wonder if its possible to jam or corrupt the sound coming frm the Sirens voices. Put up a collection of Australian aboriginie bull roarers, or wine glss organ, or reed flutes? All low tech and capable of heavy audio distortion?
Lets give the Sirens to the monsters. Would be hilarious if it turned out that t at least one prisoner, the sirens mind control was the mating call.
I don't Understand: half of the conversation between Harry and Adaggio is more or less subtle, and after that they speak openly about their nature.
was there any hint muggle authorities weren't earsdropping the phone ?
And I was really enjoying this...
I know you probably didn't mean to be offensive, but could you possibly remove this line and replace it with something else? There are plenty of women "packing extra equipment" out there, and implying that mind control is necessary to find them attractive is... Genuinely upsetting.
Love the chapter aside from that, though. Had me laughing out loud all over the place.
6113866
That's how it's listed in the movie credits, at least. Dunno if they changed it since or something though....
Another enjoyable chapter Great job.
6115273
Ack. Certainly didn't intend anything offensive (beyond Harry being usual smartass/jerk self). I'll give that line a quick tweak.
6112860 yes!
6115710
then again, I wonder if anyone has even drawn demonreach before.
Couldntfind one for Rashid, either, and had to rely on descriptions.
6115730 i was thinking the same thing...why are there no pictures of alfred?
6115546 Mm, yeah I agree. Granted Harry narrates a similar line in canon, but really not necessary and makes Harry look a bad person
6116349
Yeah, Harry's not the kind of guy who would think of all the potentially unpleasant implications of any given piece of smartassery. Heck, half the time he's being a smartass he knows it's making him enemies and needlessly pissing people off, but he just can't help himself.
I've been thinking about it a little, but I think I'v reached a conclusion: the Sirens would not be able to control Alfred. Their magic is meant to instil negative emotions in others, then harvest the power generated by the negative actions it causes them to preform. Thing is, Alfred isn't really free to act as he pleases. No so long as he is A) a spirit and B) bound by sanctum invocatus. He'd simply not be able to act accordingly to those emotions, and that's assuming that they manage to instil them in him. And even if they did manage to control him into releasing the prisoners, the prisoners would obliterate the Sirens for daring to imagine they could control them. The dark gods and ancient demons locked down there are on a whole different level. Besides, they almost definitely channel negative emotions into their magics too, just like Harry. If anything, it'd just make them more capable and willing to destroy the Sirens.
6112719 Demonreach is prepared for foreign magic... the way the military is prepared for foreign military technology. They can handle human weaponry: guns, grenades, missiles, planes, helicopters, bombs, etc. They haven't, however, been trained to fight aliens with phazers and flying saucers. While those technologies might not be meant for Earth's environment(g-force, atmospheric levels, pollution, our specific background radiation, and Sun), we really don't know what to expect, even if they don't either.
6116379
Yeah, but regardless of what Butcher wrote this is your story, so thank you for changing it. Last thing someone with as much of a compulsive need to protect anyone he sees as weaker than himself as Harry would want to do is insult women who take as much abuse as transsexual women.
You know, know that Equestrian Magic is basically spilling into Earth, Harry should probably ask Celestia to teach Alfred a bit about it.
6112622 ... he's Harry, not Henry.... And if I remember correctly, there is a nuclear option: destroy half of North America.
I'm gonna have to agree with Sunset, someone should really get around to figuring out how to sealing off the Techbane field... which Harry has already done before. Seriously, is it so hard to enchant a bracelet of something to suppress the field of its wearer? We know evocation has achieved a Supression Spell for the energy, so why hasn't anyone mixed in thaumaturgy? It wouldn't even be that hard. Sure, it wouldn't stop tech from frying around a fire fight, and would probably break when you cast a spell wearing it, but you&d get the use things like, credit cards! And.... cell phones!! So long as you didn't actively use magic around them.
6116478 I didn't forget, that's why I said "as well as." For many centuries it was just the horn material, back when credulous kings were buying up narwhal horns that they thought would protect them from poison. But in the mid to late 20th century, the explosion of modern fantasy literature included references to winged unicorns, calling them alicorns (the original source is unclear). By the time even G1 of My Little Pony came around, alicorn was widely used in popular culture to refer to winged unicorns (for a given value of widely, considering how often winged unicorns were discussed).
Good to see Harry's starting to think about how technology will increasingly affect him. Of course, Harry's techbane has always been worse than anyone else in the Dresdenverse by a significant margin, so maybe this will just be his problem, and he'll have to move to Equestria eventually or something. On the other hand, the Internet of Things means more and more delicate sensors are going to be in basically every man-made object within a decade or two, constantly connected to the internet and reporting really basic information, but I suspect weaker and weaker techbane fields are going to start shorting these sensors out more and more.
6115546
Thanks! Keep up the good writing!
Harry Dresden, to my knowledge, has never been accused of thinking through his plans. I'm looking forward to whatever is going to happen here.
6112719
We have zero indication that Demonreach contains any Outsiders in its cells. While the various supernatural beings in the Dresdenverse have an extremely wide range of both powers and power levels, anything that doesn't come from beyond the Outer Gate operates on the same magical laws (not to be confused with the White Council's Laws of Magic).
In this series, Equestria (as well as all other fictional worlds) is located beyond the Outer Gate. Ergo, Sunset Shimmer and the Dazzlings are all Outsiders (and Harry could in theory be executed for just knowing that fact). Ergo, Alfred doesn't know how their magic will interact with his, because their magic is too alien to him.
6114103
Uhh, CLID operates all over the world. Different countries sometimes use different protocols making international CLID spotty, but domestic calls are easy.
That said, someone in the UK can disable sending CLID over BT by dialing 141. (Most US telecoms can to the same thing with *67 or 1167. The Japanese can do it with 184, etc.) Well, I say "disable" but the truth is that those codes tell the calling phone to simply transmit with the "presentation withheld" flag set, and the receiving phone throws up a message like "PRIVATE" or "WITHHELD" instead of the number. None of that stops, say, the police from tracing the call regardless. Even an unlisted number (US)/ex-directory number (UK) which is going to be blocked automatically doesn't stop law enforcement from getting the information they need with the correct equipment.
6115738
img13.deviantart.net/351d/i/2012/345/3/8/demonreach_by_shredguts-d5nr3en.jpg
6119051 he's missing a top hat and a monocle.
Confused. During the taunting, Harry and Adagio go from code talk to openly talking with no impetus for the change. When did the cops stop listening?
6116492
Well, part of the issue is that the suppression spell didn't really work all that well. Harry had to focus incredibly hard to keep it going, and all it did was contain the field, not stop it. And the pressure kept growing , especially as he grew more agitated due to various things going on around him. And when it did break, if I remember correctly, it did cause a lot of damage to the studio he was in.
6121933 yes, because it was evocation, not thaumaturgy. It required the conscious will of a wizard to continue to spell. And I'm sure, if you spend a few minutes thinking about it, there'd be some way to get rid of the pressure. And it was only building up so quickly because he was so mad. Regular discharging? Some kind of magic-storage device? He found a way to make his wards save up his power for latter, why wouldn't that be doable in a more portable fashion? Hell, not only would he be able to use modern tech, the talisman could make him even stronger if he made it right.
<gets to the end>
Ohh...... FUCKING WHOOPS.
Lesse.... way to weasel out of it...... uhhhmm.... have Sunset take over somehow? Might that "lock it in?"
Harry's bigger problem with the pay phone is that many of the few remaining ones are digital, computerized, contain WiFi hotspots, or otherwise are stuffed with technology he'll screw up just as much as any smartphone.
6191914 What, copyright law? No. That's what keeps people from making money off of the creativity of others. All of these characters and worlds were thought up and created by other people. Chengar is just playing with them.
Either way, that post was made almost two months ago. Not sure why you're replying to it.
Uh ooh.
Just order him to NOT listen to the Sirens.
Ok Abathur, calm you magical toots.
For some reason... all I can think of when Alfred speaks is Abathur.