• Member Since 1st May, 2012
  • offline last seen Sep 28th, 2017

primepersephony


Just a fanfiction writer and artist for my fic The Fallout Equestria: Equestrian Wetgrave

T

A flightless pegasus pony from stable 22 finds his way out into the Equestrian wasteland. Armed with only his wits, intelligence, and mechanical genius; he will have to fend for himself, and do his best to avoid drowning.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 23 )

Welcome to the FoE herd :twilightsmile:

Your writing style is very eloquent - an excellent first chapter!

557039 thank you so much :) I have a rather good storyline ahead so please check back whenever I get chapter 2 up and about, it should be a drowning experience, you'll see what I mean.

yay cant wait for the next chapter

That was really well done!
Not sure if you remember me, but in the compilation document we agreed to read eachother's fics.
This story is very well written, the characterisation is great and I will be awaiting chapter two.

The mechanics of the flying machine make enough sense for a cartoon, but if I was to have one little nit pick it would be the way you seem to use 'CO2' and 'Compressed air' interchangeably - they are different. CO2 canisters contain compressed carbon dioxide, compressed air is just compressed air, a mixture of nitrogen, oxygen, and trace gasses. One you can breath from, the other will kill within minutes of a 30% exposure.

598059

Oh hey dude! I do quite remember you, and I read your fic aswell, which was in fact amazing. And I'd be looking forward to dicussing with you what I liked and disliked about in in the compilation chat.

On the subject of co2 and compressed air, yes you're correct the problem I had was not fixing that inconsistency (being a paintball player I should know the difference well) . I plan to revise chapter 1 just before updating chapter 2. Infact I had an idea of how to reinforce chapter 2 with the corrections of chapter 1 (which would be minor but still.)

Anyway glad you enjoyed sifting through 16k words for something of a story. :)

603079
Send me a message next time you come online and we can chat (hopefully).

And this chapter has been edited for the sake of next chapter, thank you to my editors Calbeck357 and SargeCadet for their fantastic work on turning this entire fic around. I don't know where I'd be without them.

Buck yeah. Great job on this chapter. I enjoyed reading and editing it :pinkiehappy:

new chapter yay cant wait for the next :twilightsmile:

812093

I hope you enjoyed it, lemme know what your favorite part was :D

Hell freaking yes. I'm so glad that I finally got the time to read this. Great job!

Nice first chapter. I like your style, and I loved the flight test parts. Also, finally an Overmare with feelings!

Just check for some spelling/grammar mistakes, but overall, it was a nice read.

Nice chapter indeed, it was a good read. I'll keep an eye on you. :pinkiecrazy:

Well, I finally got the time to read this, so let's get down to business shall we?

As with all my reviews, it must be done with imperial authority.

ERRORS: or corrections. Also tips.

With what willpower I had; I managed to turn my wings and gain some control .

- I think you should just replace the semicolon with a comma.
*here's how to use semicolons properly, according to common knowledge. A semicolon is used to separate two ideas which can stand on their own, and is often used to separate 'sentences within sentences'.

"I could go there tomorrow, maybe; I have other things to do."

This was it I had done it.... I was finally flying.The feeling of reprocessed air moving through my mane while whipping around was exhilarating. Just ahead, I saw a wall grow alarmingly quickly. No problem, I gained more control of my movement and tried to spin my body so I could perform a U-turn.

It may just be me, but I think that you should separate this from the paragraph it's merged with. Also, you missed a space for 'the' after the first sentence. Also... whipping around what?

I was succeeding, I managed to pull a nice, smooth turn, even at that ridiculous speed, and my lack of experience. I felt like I was flying....well technically I was but still the feeling of success was amazing. I had finally flown and it might as well had been the greatest thing in the -
RRRIP... I heard the sound suddenly and loudly from my sides. I looked over and saw that the webbing I used to secure one of the compressed-air canisters with had nearly ripped off, and was threatening to come off completely.

- I highly suggest turning the 'rrrip' into another paragraph.

My heart stopped. I was at the mercy of a mechanism I designed. I had absolutely no way of predicting what would it do next now that an error had occured. I was sure my time in this stable was over and I wished I never had wings to begin with, nor the dreams of accomplishing flight.

- I suggest you turn that into 'what IT would do next...'. Also, 'occurred' has two r's.

My name is Champagne, or Champ for short. Ironic because I wasn't really much of a champion, which the nickname implied I might be. I was just a silly pony who has dreams beyond the limits of his body and intellect, well... for now at least. I mean, look at what just happened there. What was I even thinking, strapping two tanks of compressed air to myself? And to make it worse I still think it’s a good Idea.

- This paragraph right here shows that you and I share a common thing in writing: we both make our narrators acknowledge the fact that they are narrating, and therefore allow them to add their own thoughts into the narrative. That aside, you should take away one of the spaces after this paragraph.

I’m not insane although, even if I’m sure my methods, and apparel seem absolutely irresistible to laugh at however.

- Wrong placement of commas, I think. Try 'I'm not insane, even if I'm sure my methods and apparel seem absolutely...'

Now, regarding commas and and quotations...
"I said so," she said. ---> notice the comma BEFORE the sentence ends, and the lower-case property of the 'she'.
She said, "I said so." ---> Capital 'she', and the comma comes BEFORE the sentence.

‘’So I heard that you’ll be off to see the Overmare in a little bit,’’Wax was a grey stallion with equally grey hair. ‘’That is once we’ve isolated and fixed this damned click.’’ He seemed annoyed, then again so was I at this persistent, head hurting click.

-Might I suggest moving character description to the paragraph when he first comes out? It's kind of out of place here.

** As a general note, I think you should look over the entire chapter to spot some little errors here and there. While I can understand the story well, it's immersion-breaking to see these little punctuation/grammatical errors pop up everywhere. It's still better than my own first chapter when it first started out, though; I had to edit it FIVE times to make it the quality it is now. Still, with some editing, this could become so much better.

My general impression of the chapter is good, though I've only read around 1/3rd of it so far. I sympathize with Champ, especially because of your writing style which makes him knowingly narrate it. The other characters so far are fine too, though I'd add a little more drama and length to some convo's. I'll get back on this later, as I have a few other things to read. In the meantime, have an approving Commodus:

BOOKMARK: ‘’So I heard that you’ll be off to see the Overmare in a little bit,’’Wax was a grey stallion with equally grey hair. ‘’That is once we’ve isolated and fixed this damned click.’’ He seemed annoyed, then again so was I at this persistent, head hurting click.

Review #1, part 2 go!

When I finally reached the Overmare’s quarters I was greeted by Cherry Tart at the secretary's desk in the lobby. She was acting as the Overmare’s secretary/assistant for the day. ‘’Go on in, the Overmare is waiting for you already.‘’ With a little hesitation, I moved towards the door and only stopped for it to open with a hiss and thud.
______________________________________________________________________

- I suggest you try to create a more... satisfying scene separation. It would also be nice if you expounded on Champ's cutiemark story a bit more. As of now, it seems rather empty.

I knew her far too well to believe that. I might not be very quick at getting to know ponies, but when I did; I knew them well. ‘’Oh, I would have liked to see you,’’ I said,lying of course, and I was sure she knew from the small smirk she always unknowingly let slip without her knowledge. It wasn’t that I didn’t like the Overmare, but she and I had butted heads a few times before and it’s always affected our encounters.

- Again, watch for the proper usage of semicolons.

*You seem to capitalize the letter ' I ' often, even if it's not necessary. Like in your 'It's'. You also miss out on a lot of spaces, especially right after a sentence.

Thinking positive always got me in the mood for getting things done, especially when trying to solve a persistent problem. I was tired as hell from all the work, making absolutely positively sure seven times over that everything worked, and I didn’t know if I had enough of my remaining faculties to figure out a solution to my flight problem. Even if I had, there’s no telling If I could get even make the modifications with the time I had. Sometimes I wish I didn’t say the things I did

- 'There's no telling if I could get even...' That doesn't sound right...

Now that all my negative thoughts about very potentially not being able to accomplish such a task are out of the way, let's just say, there’s nothing more that I want to do after a long day of work then, start playing with my workbench in my very own home. Even if I didn’t accomplish a damn thing I’d have hopefully cleared my mind from the words of both violet mares I’d spoken to today.

- I think that this, together with any other paragraph that has a similar error, should be made into a past tense paragraph.

I flicked on the light switch in the room with the use of my now extended my wings. The lights slowly came on with a tiny flicker and finally I could see all that resided in my quarters.

- My wings?

The whole experiment something simple enough it could be done within a half a hour.

- Should there be a 'was' before that 'something.'

me why water would expand while frozen

- I'm pretty sure that water condenses when frozen.

What I wanted, at its core was a complete understanding of the workings of our world.

- Do I sense a physicist pony? :3 Please say yes!

They often complaining to the Overmare about me. In fact at one point I nearly got myself banned from the facilities due to my constant pestering of the chief maintenance pony. It’s not my fault I didn't know how to weld first hoof.

- They often COMPLAINED.

Loud cheering came across my ears all of a sudden, I could hear the cheering of the stable ponies below me, all of them yelling and hollering, for...me. The one pony in the entire stable that was a joke through and through and more of an annoyance. Now I had become...I guess, in their eyes a hero. It was like the rise of the underdog in one of the single non-educational books I read. Coincidentally that book gave me these ideas of not accepting defeat in the first place, and to continue to try and try till either I could try no longer or I finally succeeded.

- Once more, I find that our writing style for our character's narrations are similar!

BOOKMARK: Loud cheering came across my ears all of a sudden, I could hear the cheering of the stable ponies below me, all of them yelling and hollering, for...me. The one pony in the entire stable that was a joke through and through and more of an annoyance. Now I had become...I guess, in their eyes a hero. It was like the rise of the underdog in one of the single non-educational books I read. Coincidentally that book gave me these ideas of not accepting defeat in the first place, and to continue to try and try till either I could try no longer or I finally succeeded.

Now, despite the increase and abundance of small errors and misspells, not to mention wrong usage of commas and semicolons, I still approve of this!

This is a bit of... Okay, so this review post was going to be longer than Celestia's horn (in 12pt font too), so I put it on a gdoc instead. I'll admit, I'm harsh. Most of this is negative, and it can be easy to lose track of the positive, so I'll post it here :D

You have great descriptions.
Some of your ideas are simply amazing, namely: how a pegasus would act in a stable, the underwater stable, use of water as a method of tension, and a very clear goal of returning to the stable (and method of doing so).
Please don't let my criticism stop you; instead, let it push you on to great achievements.

Good Luck,
Fillyosopher

CHAPTER 1 AND 2 REVIEW

Very well done. Are you planning to continue with this?

1866267

Quite sir, I'm going through processes to make the writing much better then it currently is. So the first two chapters will be fixed up and chapter three released at the same time, along with a cover I'm working on. ;D

1924805

That sounds excellent. I look forward to seeing the changes, in addition to new material!

To what extent are you attempting to change this? Is it merely cosmetic or superficial changes, or are you planning on a couple re-writes?

1927094

For now we're working mostly on fixing the shoddy writing, help with the pacing, flow of the story and as well as adding some things in to better the actual storytelling (foreshadowing especially) . Also since I've published chapter two, I've done a ton of reorganizing of the plot, so when it comes to writing the next chapters it will be much more planned and thought out. That's also not to say that I haven't been writing this entire time.

I have chapter 3-7 worked on to some extent (actual writing done) I'm just waiting for the new editors to catch up at this time. There's also a whole bunch of FOE art I have saved up so if your following the foe group you'll have a chance to see some of that too.

I can't promise that it'll be soon though as we just started and there's a ton of work to do. But I imagine once we get passed a couple hurdles and into working on chapter 2-3 were going to be picking up quite a bit of pace as my writing skill is also getting better and inherently less flawed.

And trust me for what I have planned in the future it'll all be worth the wait. :D

I still haven't started due to the lack of updates is this still going to go on if so I'll start but if not I don't want to start something that isn't going to be finished.:pinkiehappy:

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