Alicorns... Later
I sipped my lukewarm coffee and sighed as my phone rattled against my desk again. After the first few calls, I put it on silent, but that didn’t stop it from shaking across my workspace every couple of minutes.
My computer screen was full of calls I was expected to make at a hurried clip. Most days I simply hated my job. Today, I actually didn’t mind it. At least it kept me out of the potential pony war brewing around my house for a meager couple of hours.
My cell phone buzzed against my desk again.
I mumbled, “I never should have given him this number.”
One of my co-workers walked by and noticed my blinking cell.
He pointed at it. “You ever going to answer that?”
I propped my head up on my hand and glared at him.
Laughing, he leaned against my desk. “Trouble at home?”
“Something like that.”
“With the spouse?”
A terrible image crept into my brain and I was tempted to drill into my temple to pull it back out. “Not exactly. It’s something I can’t quite explain, and truthfully, doesn’t involve me.”
The phone rattled on.
My co-worker said, “Might not involve you, but it seems as if they think it does. I wouldn’t ignore it all day, Steve. At least see what they have to say.”
I stared at him, at once wanting him to vacate my work space. “Such wisdom. All from a person that works bottom rung at a call center.”
He stood up abruptly. “Hey, so do you, Steve.”
I picked up my blinking phone. “I haven’t forgotten, believe you me. I’ve only accepted my fate. Oddly enough, my time spent here is better than my time spent at home.”
He whistled. “You must live with a tyrant.”
I thumbed through my growing list of missed calls. “You have no idea.”
***
“Message one: Steve? Steve, are you hearing this? Is my voice being captured and sent to you correctly? If so, then why in Tartarus aren’t you picking up? If you hadn’t noticed, there are alicorns after me, you moronic fool! Why would you even go to work? Steve, I think—”
Bleep.
“Message erased.”
Gloomily, I looked at the remaining twenty-four voice messages and skipped to number twelve. Never before had I heard Sombra as anxious and afraid. I swear I only took the smallest amount of joy from listening.
“Message twelve: I’m going to start breaking things, Steve. Come home so we can think of some way of destroying them. Pick up, pick up, pick up. You don’t know what they could be doing. They could be outside right now, thinking of new ways of tearing me apart! You really want to clean up all the chunks? Is that what you want? Before I die, I’ll make sure to spray every last inch of your shoddy dwelling with every ounce of my—
“Message erased.”
I knew I shouldn’t have continued, but it was like the audio equivalent of potato chips.
“Message twenty-one: Steve, you’ve given me no choice. I’m using your laptop right now. Hear this? That’s my hooves on the little buttons with the little letters on them. Remember what I looked up before? I’m going to do it again, Steve. And then I’ll save it as your wallpaper. You told me it was illegal before, but now I don’t care. Come home and protect me from those villainous mares. Because I’m almost certain once my corpse has been properly desecrated and erased from existence, they’ll do the same to you. I wouldn’t put it—
“Message erased.”
I mentally told myself to buy a new laptop on the way home. I sighed when my phone rang again. Peering over my three cubicle walls for potential listeners, I finally answered.
“Hello, Sombra.”
“Don’t ‘Hello, Sombra’ me!”
“Then should I say ‘Bye, Sombra’ instead?”
Sombra lowered his voice. “Wait. Wait. I take it back, Steve. But, how, in all good conscience, could you leave me here on my own while you know ponies are hunting for me?”
I leaned back in my chair. “Because I need the money and this job gives me that money. And also because you’re not really at the top of my priorities list.”
He chuckled. “I beg to differ. I am at the top of every list.”
“Laziest ponies?”
“At least I’m good at something. So then what number am I on your list, Steve?”
I thought of a random one. “Forty-four.”
“Who else is on your list?”
I started listing. “Well, I’m number one. Then this job is number two. Number three would be the condo. The girl I bring over might be number four. The TV’s number five.”
“I get it!” he growled. “Who’s before me? Number forty-three?”
I tapped my fingers against my desk. “The lamp. Good ol’ dependable lamp. Shines a light in my life like no one else.”
“I see.”
The other end of the call went silent.
Crash!
Sombra came back on the line. “I destroyed your lamp, Steve. Now that makes me forty-three. What’s forty-two?”
I sighed, wondering which store along the ride home sold both laptops and lamps.
I yawned into my hand. “When I get home, we’ll think of something. Right now, I’m supposed to be working, not talking to ponies.”
Sombra said earnestly, “We should leave, Steve. We should make a run for it. Someplace those annoying mares would never find me.”
“Since you used to live in an icy kingdom, I could always take you someplace cold again. How about Winnipeg? It’s winter all year round and considering no one wants to live there to begin with, I doubt those mares would come looking.”
Sombra paused. “I don’t like being cold.”
“You’re a real whiner, Sombra. And I’m not going to upend my life and move away just because of you. You’ve ruined half of my life so far, so I’ll be holding onto the second half as best I can.”
I could hear his hooves pacing against the hardwood in the living room.
“How would you like it, Steve, if you came home and I was nowhere to be found? It would tear you up inside, it would. Knowing full well that you could have helped an innocent pony in their time of need—”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Innocent?”
“You could never live with yourself if something happened to me. So come home right this minute and let’s destroy those mares once and for all!” He paused. “And bring chips. We’re out of chips.”
I ended the call and stared at my phone for a while. How tempting it would be to drop it in the trash and spend the next two weeks in some cheap motel. Then I could always come back to the condo and clean up whatever mess Sombra and his pony pals had left after everything had been said and done. The condo would become mine again and all this pony nonsense would be over with. They wouldn’t really hurt him again, would they? That adorable purple pony that had knocked on my door actually snuffing out another life? It seemed highly unlikely.
Then again, it was Sombra they were dealing with.
And I thought if anyone could bring murderous rage atop his head, it was Sombra.
***
I ate my lunch at my desk and studied the leather bound text I’d bought to send Sombra back through the toaster. Although I’d yet to make good on that front, I thought maybe there still might be a few nuggets of novelty to mine from the book.
In-between bites of tuna salad, I mumbled a few words.
“Klaatu… Bar… something or other…”
Near the back of the book had been the spell that opened the small portal to Sombra’s Equestria. At the front were a series of smaller spells that I had a miniscule hope of understanding. I could read the words by sounding them out long enough, but I really had little notion of what each one did. Tiny illustrations sat along the top and the sides of the incantations; more than likely a hint at what would happen if performed.
What child never dreamed of shooting fire from their hands?
I flipped another page, searching for such an illustration.
Bring-bring! Bring-bring!
Instantly, I sighed, fearing another call from Sombra. Then I realized it was my work phone ringing.
I picked up. “Hello, Steve speaking.”
“Hello, Steve. Glad we have a chance to talk again.”
That voice. Pleasant. Sweet. Horribly familiar.
I tried to remember her name. “Flashlight Snorkel?”
“Close. Twilight Sparkle. And you remember me, that’s great. I was hoping you’d feel more like yourself after sleeping. Is now a good time to talk?”
My mind raced. “Well, actually, no. I’m at work. And how did you get this number?”
“Simple,” she answered brightly. “We called up your place of work and asked for Steve. Once that first Steve ended up being another Steve, they sent the call here. You’re really not all that hard to find, you know.”
I had trouble putting coherent thoughts together. “Well, that alone is pretty creepy, but now’s not a great time to chat. Maybe later, all right? So—”
“We really should talk, Steve. I understand why you lied last night, but now you can be honest with me. We know Sombra’s been holding you hostage for the last several months, and we’re here to put a stop to it. You shouldn’t be afraid of us. We’re here to help you.”
I silently grunted my disapproval of being labeled as Sombra’s hostage. Since I knew he’d find such a thought hilarious, I vowed never to make mention of it.
I told the purple pony sternly, “You need to stop bothering me, whoever this is. You caught me in an awkward state last night and the fact that you’re continuing on with this pony-business is rather unsettling. It needs to stop. I am not harboring some pony King in my condo. That would go well against the condo board’s strict rules on sizeable pets.”
“You can drop the act, Steve. We know he’s in there.”
Some of her original elation dropped away.
She continued, “We tracked him down to your home, and if we wanted to, we could go in there at any time and go get him. But we don’t want to start a fight with Sombra. We have no idea what state he’s in or what he’ll do if cornered. It’s important we handle this carefully. It would be best for everyone if we kept the existence of Equestria well away from humankind. If we can, we need for him to come back with us peacefully. And we think that’s only possible with your help.”
I closed my eyes and rubbed at my forehead.
It was becoming clear they knew a lot more than I thought they might.
“Sombra doesn’t want to go back. He thinks you’ll blow him up again.” I paused. “Did you blow him up? I thought you guys were all peaceful and junk?”
Twilight sighed. “We had to, Steve. He was preparing to take back his Empire along with all his slaves. If it had been up to me, he would have wound up in Tartarus for his crimes. But, instead of wounding him like I thought it might, the Crystal Heart tore him apart and sent him here.”
Crystal Heart? I thought. “Didn’t have a less lethal setting on that Heart of yours?”
“It doesn’t work like that.”
“How many of you are there? And how did you even get here? I thought my make of toaster had been recalled due to numerous lawsuits.”
“Toaster? What?” She paused for a second. “None of that matters, Steve. All that matters is that you’re on board with this.”
“I…” My next thought seemed like an odd one, indeed. “Sombra’s not a bad guy, all right? From what I heard he did some bad things before, but if you’d look at him now, you wouldn’t be looking at the same pony. He’s lazy. He’s unmotivated. And the last time I tried to kick him out, he wouldn’t budge an inch. I don’t think he’s a threat to anyone anymore. Except my wallet, of course.”
I chuckled to myself. I had to add some levity to this insane situation I’d found myself in.
Twilight said, “I’m afraid what Sombra wants doesn’t matter. He needs to face the consequences of his actions.”
“He didn’t die good enough the first time for you lot?”
She exhaled sharply. “We went over this, Steve. That was a mistake. And no, he won’t be killed again or anything of the sort. We have a perfectly good reformation system in place in Equestria that should help him find the goodness deep inside of him. He will be befriended using various proven techniques. And if he can’t find that gooey center in himself in a timely manner once he’s back, then he just might not see much of the public. Or the sun.”
Sounds oddly similar to the situation he’s living in now, eating and sleeping on a couch.
I told her candidly, “You all sound like a cult.”
She brightened. “Since I don’t know what that term means exactly, I’ll take that as a compliment. We strive very hard to befriend those that need it. I wouldn’t be called the Princess of Friendship if I didn’t believe it.”
“That all makes me feel so much better. Thank you.”
I thought, Sombra was right. These ponies are insane.
“Do you all wear matching robes in this Friendship club?”
“No. But we could. Rarity would be on board, I’m sure.”
I chuckled again. “Would Sombra need to drink the Kool-Aid along with everyone else?”
“I can’t tell if you’re taking this as seriously as you should, Steve. It’s very important to us that this works.”
I stretched out in my chair, my original apprehension gone for the moment.
“The way you’re making this sound, it almost seems as if everything hinges on my approval. And if that’s the case, then it’s no deal. Sombra’s a lazy ass and I do hate him to a degree, but that doesn’t mean I’m about to fork him over to a bunch of ponies he’s deathly afraid of.”
“He’s actually scared of us?”
“He won’t admit it, but he is.”
She thought for a moment. “So does that mean you won’t be willing to help us?”
“Yes, it does. Go back to wherever you’re from and I’ll make sure Sombra stays out of sight from everyone else. When I get tired of him—I’d say give or take a week or two—I’ll send him back myself and you can do whatever you want to him. But until he gets that annoying, it’s no deal.”
Her voice brightened. “You really sure about that, Steve? I’d consider you a friend if you helped.”
So far, I hadn’t come into contact with a single pony that wasn’t a manipulative bastard.
“I’m sure.”
“Then maybe we better speak in person again. Perhaps my friends might help change your mind.”
I pressed the phone against my ear until the plastic bent. “What does that mean? I thought you didn’t want to be seen while you were here.”
She giggled. “Don’t worry. We won’t. There are ways around that. Hold tight, Steve. I’ll see you in a few minutes and we’ll talk again.”
The line disconnected and I slowly set the phone down, wondering if I’d just made a very large mistake.
***
I looked at my screen and the hundreds of calls I was expected to make. I still had close to two hours left in my shift, and the odds of my boss not having a fit if I left early were about as slim as Sombra’s chances of still fitting in his old armor.
I grimaced. I shouldn’t be kicking a pony when he’s down, even if he deserves it and more.
“They can’t come in here,” I mumbled to myself, grabbing at my mouse. “They’d be caught and some zoo officials would be called. They wouldn’t dare…”
I dragged my cursor across the screen and found it frozen in place. I tried again, leading to the same result. I unplugged it and tried plugging it back in, before attempting to type on the keyboard. Not a single result.
“Damn it.”
I left my cubicle and went to the floor’s IT guy in the corner, finally noticing the odd amount of silence that should never exist at the hub of a major call center.
I stopped behind his chair. “You got a minute? My computer’s shut me out or something.”
The IT guy stared at his screen and didn’t bother to turn. Or move at all.
“Hello?”
When he didn’t respond, I spun his chair around to face me. I almost wish I hadn’t.
The IT guy’s jaw was stuck in the middle of a word, his headset strung around an ear. His pointer finger was directed towards the ceiling, as if his latest statement held major significance.
I waved my hand in front of his eyes. “Are you all right?”
He didn’t blink or waver from his seat.
I turned to face the rest of the floor. The sight was more horrible than anything I could imagine.
Every single one of my co-workers had been frozen in place.
“You okay?”
“Why won’t you move?”
“I’m planning on eating your lunch and spitting in your coffee. So say something right now.”
From one cubicle to the next I went, poking and prodding and talking in their ears. My floor had to have close to forty workers on any average day, and now not a single one of them was moving a muscle or even realizing they’d be stuck where they sat.
I thought it might be high time I left work for the day.
“Oh, crap, crap, crap…”
I ran back to my cubicle and picked up my bag, along with the spell book. For a moment I contemplated packing up the rest of my unfinished lunch, but forgot about it entirely when I heard the elevator doors open at the other end of the room.
“Steeeeeeevvvveee! Where are you?”
Through the stock-still work room, I heard at least a half-dozen ponies exit the elevator and step onto the carpeted floor. The one that yelled out to me sounded in near ecstasy, as if the task of hunting humans was the greatest delight of all. Or maybe due to the madness evident in her voice, everything was to her.
“We’re gonna find you!”
I hurriedly grabbed the rest of my things and bent near the floor. Hugging the cubicle walls tight, I ran a few workstations away and ducked down. Already, I could hear them approaching.
I heard Twilight, clearly their leader. “Pinkie Pie, saying things like that aren’t helping. From what I’ve read, humans can be very fearful creatures, and we should treat him with kindness and respect. I’m sure he’ll do what is right once we explain everything to him and show him there’s nothing to worry about.”
“I think a party would set him at ease.”
“No parties, Pinkie.”
“Aww. But I’ve never had a human party before.”
“I’m sure it’s very similar to a pony party.”
I heard them come to a stop by my chair and I stuck my head out to see. Twilight had half her body in my cubicle while the other six mares stood next to her. Five of them, including the pink one I was sure they called Pinkie, were the same height and proportion as Twilight. The one in the back—the one that was scaring me the most at the time—was far larger and darker than the rest. Like Twilight, she had wings and a horn. Unlike Twilight, her coat was dark blue and her mane swayed in an unseen wave. Her demeanor also didn’t match a single one of her friends, nearly scowling as she looked over my little work space.
If Twilight Sparkle was a special edition pony, this one must have been limited edition.
The pony wearing the cowboy hat said, “He’s not here, Twilight. I reckon we scared him off with that spell of yours.”
Twilight came back out into the hall. “You’re probably right, but we couldn’t take the risk of being spotted. I only got off the phone with him a few minutes ago, so he couldn’t have gotten far. Fan out and we’ll see if we can find him before he leaves.”
A pegasus of yellow and pink brought her hoof to her mouth and squealed. “I can’t wait to meet a real human. I’ve never had the chance to spend time with one before. I hope he likes belly rubs and stories and playing games and herbal tea.”
Twilight said, “That’s not what we’re here for, Fluttershy. This is a diplomatic mission we’re on. And the sooner it’s over, the better.”
I shrank behind the cubicle walls again, unsure if I should be more afraid of the tall blue one or the pegasus that might try to spoonfeed me baby food. Slowly, I was starting to understand Sombra’s trepidation in returning home, especially considering these mares were the official sworn protectors of justice and peace.
As I walked in the direction of the stairwell by the corner of the room, I heard the seven of them break off and head in separate directions. One of them must have been jumping as they went, emitting a spring-like sound effect I was in no hurry to investigate.
Three minutes later, I’d made it to the stairs unscathed. I had a quick peek around a cubicle I was near and found a trail of chocolate bits along the floor, leading to a cardboard box propped up on a stick. Even from that distance I could see the pink and yellow pony’s curved mane tucked behind a wall, along with the rope tied around the stick.
It was weird, being thought of as an animal, considering it was a pack of ponies thinking of me in such a fashion. Viewing the trail of chocolate again, I thought she’d have better luck tempting me with dollar bills. I might have even risked it.
I went to the exit doors again and pressed my hand against the release. Slipping my pack over my shoulder, I shoved through, grimacing as the alarm went off overhead.
I’d completely forgotten this door was for emergencies only.
Sweat on my brow, I turned and found the pink Pie mare at the end of the room, her already large eyes much bigger than before. Even her hair looked bigger somehow.
“Found you!” she shouted.
It seemed she had.
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Except stopping time would mean that they couldn't breathe because the air wouldn't be moving...
Oh nice! I can't wait to see where this goes.
Gotta say, I'm loving Sombra in this.
Curious if what he was looking up is what I'm thinking it is. Hopefully not.
abandon ship, every man for himself!!!!
i.imgur.com/x9YcyRA.gif
I'm reading this chapter and I'm imagining something like this. Or at least this being set to that scene's music.
5706611
MST3K Mantra is in full effect, I believe.
5706611
cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/59966975.jpg
This is simply hilarious! I love how you've depicted Sombra, menacing but adorable.
Bastard means illegitimate child, so technically you've met only one so far if Sombra is a bastard child.
5706674
I know what happened! Sombra discovered pot... and all his ambitions went down the drain!
Sombra, "Nah man, revenge is, like, totally uncool, dude. Ya gotta just mellow and stuff..."
His smoke form, rather than being composed of dark magic, now contains high levels of THC.
Considering he's possessing your toaster, obviously not.
Seriously, dude, you have Pony Hitler in your house and you want to have pity on him? Stupid can only go so far!
To be fair, this would have worked flawlessly with Scooby and Shaggy, or Chris from "Dan Vs", among other cartoon characters.
Wow... dude, every criminal on the planet should go to this guy's house with a sob story! He'll buy anything!
My take on the end of the last chapter:
25.media.tumblr.com/e1f9c7c150754fc8a6f152d7b7797389/tumblr_ml5j5xk8jx1rmlh6ro1_r2_500.gif
5706970 Fairly certain he used the non-literal definition of "bastard". It's a good story, no need to nitpick.
5706611 I think they may have just stun-locked everyone on the floor. But still creepy. I was getting a Left4Dead vibe going. Really liking the story!
5707099 I love nitpicking!
I have a strategy for nitpicking!
5707202 You know, you remind me of my brother. I hated my brother. More specifically, his ability to complain about the smallest details that he didn't like. His attitude while doing so didn't help, either. Good thing he wouldn't be caught dead on this site.
Well...crap.
5706611
that means they wouldn't die either, since they are stuck.
5707211 ...
Aww...
I'm a real nice guy you know! With a slightly traumatic childhood!
Here's my thing!
I LOVE THIS F****** STORY! I LOVE IT! AND THAT IS WHY I MUST NITPICK IT! BECAUSE I LOVE IT!
MWAHAHAHAHA!
MY POLICY FOR ALL STORIES IS TO:
READ IT!
NITPICK IT!
POST IT!
WAIT!
HAVE SOMEONE(PONY) LIKE YOU COME AND NITPICK IT!
AND THEN REESTABLISH THE FACT THAT I F****** LOVE THE STORY!
And maybe make some friends along the way!
And yes, I'm extending a flag of truce.
5707459 A truce, huh? The last time someone offered a truce, I ended up taking an arrow to the shoulder...but sure, why not?
5707469 ... At this point of time, GOP(Not the Republican term) ceased to stop caring and told the person he was conversing with to hurry up and jump into one of his discussion topics.
Also...
LOVING THIS STORY BY THE WAY!
With hoof? really?
She was pinkie pie, She did everything.
5707125
Ummmm.... So time freeze does not apply to alarms? I don't mean to nitpick but this seems like a fairly important detail.
Damn you and your hax time magic... One woudl think that this kind of magic would require a lot of power or concentration... But they, without trouble, kept it up for 5 minutes and it seems even longer?
It feels as if their powers are not lowered at all by being on Earth, so shouldn't Sombra have his crystal making, providing profit for Steve?
Time stopping abilities should be measured in seconds, not minutes, and should be restricted to Jotaro Kujo and DIO.
Damn these ponies and them timestopping Za Warudo...
5707459 Oh, the subtle art of nitpicking. I hope it never goes away. And I hope everyone will enjoy the following eight-thousand word chapter that goes into elaborate detail about the spell Twilight used on the co-workers. It will consist of the word MAGIC x 8000.
5707125 Thank you! I'm glad it was creepy enough.
5707108 Since you're the fifth or so person to tell me how much they hate cat-eating Sombra, I'm forced to assume most people on the internet like cats. And no, I don't own any pets. I'm a miserable curmudgeon.
5707085 I think I saw a meme like that, with Pinkie Pie photoshopped in. Thanks for reading!
5706944 Thank you for saying so! Sombra can be cute, as long as you treat him like a talking dog.
5706797 That's for me to know and for you to guess. It's exactly what you think it is.
5709896 I'LL NITPICK IT! JUST FOR YOU!
5707469
funny, my knee hasn't been working properly.
5711479 Well, that's just one of the risks of working for the IRS...
5711649
fricken arseholes and thier arrows...
<snerk>
Let's be honest, the most likely reaction to getting surprised like that at the end is to swing out and run in the opposite direction
More soon please!
Hah, irrational fear of irrational beings. At least, irrational compared to humans.
This will be fun
Make sure Sombra
That scene at the end totally reminded me of the beginning of the matrix, where Neo is told off by his boss at work. Where he is moving cubicle to cubicle after getting the phone call from Morpheus.
I got ya mate.
They should've used the vents. It worked for the Alien.
Scary pony comin' this way...
Time to run the buck away!
6587228 hmmm pink pony that is scary and found you near a exit door.. RUN BITCH RUUUN!
Steve's thoughts at the end of the chapter read as follow: Damn, Fuck, shit and I'm doomed.
I really dig the interactions between Steve and the ponies.
I adore Sombra and Steve's interactions. Scratch that- I adore Steve in general.
6714477 my thoughts exactly lol
Ok... if i didnt know mlp i would think this some kind of Fantasy horror story!
Damn! Well done!
Run Steve! Run!