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Princess Cadance has some problems in her sovereignty over the Crystal Empire. For one thing, she isn't even a crystal pony. Another thing is that the crystal ponies would much rather have the former King Sombra rule over them... despite previously reigning with an iron hoof and treating the populace like whipping mules. To prevent civil war, Cadance has a brilliant idea to ensure her bid for the throne while pleasing the people: have an election.

And it's any wonder ponies don't have democracy.


Collab with the undeniably blue and of a shifty variety Blueshift. Go on and check his stuff out!

Also, big thanks to my editors Aragon, Themaskedferret, and prereader Skeeter The Lurker.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 38 )
2D
2D #1 · Feb 17th, 2015 · · ·

I was going to make a pony pun about Kangaroo Court, but fuck it I'm too tired.

OH MY GOD. BOB, YOU DIDN'T.

Is it weird that Sombra has Keith David's voice in my head. I think it fits.

That went from funny, to insane, to insanely funny all in one go. :D

Supreme Bishop Archduke Prime President Manager

I wish I could be the Supreme Bishop Archduke Prime President Manager of FimFiction one day.

Goddammit.

Just...

Dammit, Bob.

Why.

Just...

Why.

That was oddly hilarious...even if no one was in character.

Heck, we’ve even had stray cabbage carts barrel right into the thing more times than we could count.

33.media.tumblr.com/4c983161009bf28d625c3a3f0452fce7/tumblr_mzo7iaQ3V61rcho6go2_500.gif

“Do you hear the ponies sing? Singing a song of angry mares…”
“No. No I don’t.” Cadance slowly shook her head.
Guarana faltered and stopped singing, looking around in confusion.
“We’re not gonna do the song,” a blue crystal pegasus whispered into her ear. “We thought it was embarrassing.”

Pffft, ha! As a musical fan, this made me giggle.

“We host the elections, the people vote, and I win through the horribly corrupted and blighted democratic process. It’s almost exactly like monarchy except more contrived.”

Your inability to give a buck about what people think is hilarious and I commend you for that.

“No, it isn’t. And I’m not a zombie, either.” Sombra rubbed a hoof against his face and smirked. “My skin is much too smooth and unrotten for that.”

Oh, yeah it is~ Wha? I mean, nothing!

“That’s the only way to keep them under control! You remember the riot early? They pulled that stunt all the time. Not just riots either. Sit ins, arson, petitions, and worst of all, bake sales! Every day it was something new!” Sombra groaned and pulled at his sideburns. “Treating them like slaves was the only way to keep the entire Empire from becoming an orgy of anarchy and overpriced sugary treats shoved down your throat!”

...Huh. That's the most simplified and most logical reason for Sombra being a tyrant. He didn't slip into the arts of dark magic and he wasn't power hungry, he was just keeping a tight ship so ponies would stop being crazy.

Cadance arched an eyebrow. “But why did you return and try to take over the Crystal Heart to plunge Equestria into darkness?”

Sombra snorted, which quickly turned to barely repressed laughter bubbling forth. “What type of moron told you that? If I plunged Equestria into darkness, everything would die. What do I look like, some type of idiot? I only wanted the Crystal Heart because I… needed to pay off some gambling debts.”

Oh my god.

Shrugging his shoulders, Sombra said, “When you’re trapped in an abyss for nearly a thousand years, you meet some interesting characters. Eldritch abominations, demons, spirits, used car salesmen, you know, the usual demonic creatures that never bask in the light. Also, they’re stingy about debts being paid back. And also when you count cards. So basically right now I’m in this campaign just so I can win and sneak treasury money out to save my neck. Maybe steal the Crystal Heart again.”

OH MY GOD.

“So yeah, no hard feelings about this, but I’m going to need to win so I won’t be losing my knees.” Sombra cringed. “Again. That explosion hurt. Like, a lot.”

It's official. Bob, I love you even more now. I didn't know how it was possible, but is.

So vote Sombra, and together we shall build an even more glorious empire on the backs of the oppressed!

I wasn't aware Sombra was the pony version of Mitt Romney.

“Oh my Goddess, Cadance, you just can’t ask a crystal pony why their coat doesn’t sparkle,” Green Guarana whispered to her. “Jeez, Cadance, you’re so stupid.”

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40.media.tumblr.com/70e9a684cd2475a0a900e5ca72ae8010/tumblr_mjqassuMIQ1rj4ht7o4_250.png
Basically.

Also, this was fricking hilarious and I'm too scared to add more quotes for fear of upsetting the great sponge deity. As a gift, I give you this picture of Sombra.

41.media.tumblr.com/50544d64476c344fa17c62402bd2235f/tumblr_mk8qx7HYEI1rj4ht7o10_500.png
Do with it as you will.

Also, +A gif usage.

Collab with the undeniably blue and of a shifty variety Blueshift.

This explains everything.

Everything.

Well there you go. Exasperated Cadance is just as funny as Exasperated Celestia.

Good job, bobby!

Delightfully over the top.

"Actually, Luna and I just wanted to make the Crystal Ponies go away for a while. Sombra was just sort of collateral damage."

This why Cadance needs to introduce Vetinari style democracy to the Crystal Empire: One mare, one vote. She's the mare, so she gets the vote.

Humanized interpretation of this Monday:
preussenchronik.de/bilder/1221_Die_Revolution_1848_in_Berlin.jpeg
"Down with the Police State! End Military Rule! We shall be free, like our fathers were!"

Next Monday:
cutandparry.com/3772230121_0c739a5de6.jpg
"The Peasant Dogs need to learn their place! For Princess Candenza, rightful Empress!"

The Monday after that:
aljazeera.com/mritems/Images/2011/3/7/20113714026398876_20.jpg
"I, George Washingtalon shall lead this brave attack on tyranny in the name of liberty and democracy. We shall depose of the old Feudal Orders, and the tyrannical Princesses and instead, impose a new system based on the consent of the governed!.. They're gone? Oh thank God, can somebody save me?.. Please?.. Conner, it was Beneyolks idea to attack your village-oh god they spotted me, ah-"

I only wanted the Crystal Heart because I… needed to pay off some gambling debts.

I do love callbacks to other stories.

As for this one... This is going to seem like an odd simile, but this sort of story is like a Bob Dylan song. If you try to listen for the lyrics as you would most vocalists, you're not going to enjoy it. But if you treat the voice as one of many instruments, then it becomes much better. So it is here. Concern yourself with continuity, sanity, or the flammability of crystal buildings, and this story will have you as frustrated as Cadance. Better to sit back and let the insanity wash over you.

And that's my "RainbowBob Dylan" school of fanfic philosophy. Thanks for this. :twilightsmile:

Oh! So not only did you ask me to be a proof-reader and then go ahead without me, you blates ripped off a fic of my own!

I will see you at dawn sir. Flintlock pistols. No items. Three lives.

“Oh my Goddess, Cadance, you just can’t ask a crystal pony why their coat doesn’t sparkle,” Green Guarana whispered to her. “Jeez, Cadance, you’re so stupid.”

:rainbowlaugh: Dat reference though!

The story was great, the GIF at the end was adorable, and you get a fave! Faves to the fave god, RainbowBob! :moustache:

I think my eye is twitching about as much as Cadance's.

:applejackconfused:

I had something to comment here, but I have decided to retract it because from out of that comment I got the most awesome idea.

I just need to finish this romance, and then it's time for Silly Shorts! Wahaha!

“Sounds like another rebellion,” Cadance said. This was followed by an explosion that echoed throughout the city and caused some dust to fall from the ceiling with the resulting quake. She sighed.
“I freakin hate Mondays.”

Well Cadance, now you know how George, Louis and Nicholas II feel.

Later that day, in Ponyville...

:twilightsmile: "Alright, anyone want to bring anything forward to this meeting of Frien-"

:trollestia: *Teleports to the center of the room* "TWILIGHT! I NEED YOU AND THE OTHER ELEMENTS AT ONCE!"

:twilightoops: "What? What is going on?"

:trollestia: "Cadance held elections, and horrific ideas have spread across Equestria like wildfire! Freedom to select rulers, freedom of the press, even giving Earth Ponies basic pony rights! Don't you love your daily stonings Applebucker?"

:ajbemused: "Of course your highass..."

:raritydespair: "There is a democratic revolution?"

:trollestia: "No, it's much worse than that! It's a mass unviolent protest! Arresting, stoning, even covering the protesters in acid haven't made them stop! I need you to send them into the sun!"

:moustache: *Walks through the door* "Hello, as the elected representative of the 'Coalition for Basic Decency' requests you kindly sit down with us and consider reforming Equestria into a constitutional monarchy."

:trollestia: "NEVER!" *Smashes Spike with Twilight's throne*

You two working together is amazing.

Simply amazing.

~Skeeter The Lurker

Oh how hilarious.

This was hilarious!:rainbowlaugh:

5634836
You'd have to get rid of this knightyatorshipping, first.

5635770

I have suddenly got an image in my head of this Cadance becoming so freaking tired of all the anarchy and revolutions that she decides to become Pony Vetinari.

5676443
"After the Crystal Empire, Shiny, a hoofful of flying melons present a very minor problem indeed."

The only disappointment was not seeing any appearance of the booing lady from The Princess Bride. I thought it would be that first lady at the castle gates, but then it went all Le Mis instead.

The Crystal Empire has issues.

5833981
Nothing a healthy dose of Vader can't fix.

Right now the people still hate you because they think you’re a puppet to Equestria’s imperialistic tendencies.

Meh, even the youngest audience who watch MLP know Cadence is little more than a figurehead for Celestia and the Crystal "Empire" is a puppet state. They're on to you.

Under his wife’s scrutinizing gaze, Shining added, “Also because it was fun.”

Look out boys, we got a bro here!

Shining shrugged once more. “I’m more of a puppet, figurehead sorta leader than an actual bona fide ‘Head Unicorn in Charge’ type. I do what the military says and smile and act pretty.”

Says the Head of the Military. Smart move, bro. You'll make a Sith yet!

Shining shrugged. “Well, it is a Monday, after all.”

Mondays man! They are a wreck!

“That’s the only way to keep them under control! You remember the riot early? They pulled that stunt all the time. Not just riots either. Sit ins, arson, petitions, and worst of all, bake sales! Every day it was something new!” Sombra groaned and pulled at his sideburns. “Treating them like slaves was the only way to keep the entire Empire from becoming an orgy of anarchy and overpriced sugary treats shoved down your throat!”

Somehow this makes a ton of sense, King Sombra seems like the type of leader that would wear a "I'm getting too old for this" shirt when he goes to work.

Dental metaphors aside, Cadance arrived at her podium against a crowd of jeers, insults, and derogatory remarks about the weight of her mother. But she didn’t mind them, instead smiling when she spotted the podium next to hers was empty. With enough confidence in each of her steps that she was practically drowning in it, she arrived at her podium and promptly cleared her voice to speak into the microphone.

Yo momma so fat...

Shrugging his shoulders, Sombra said, “When you’re trapped in an abyss for nearly a thousand years, you meet some interesting characters. Eldritch abominations, demons, spirits, used car salesmen, you know, the usual demonic creatures that never bask in the light. Also, they’re stingy about debts being paid back. And also when you count cards. So basically right now I’m in this campaign just so I can win and sneak treasury money out to save my neck. Maybe steal the Crystal Heart again.”

Used car salesman: *slap top of this fanfic* This bad boy can fit so much fucking awesomeness in it

“For shame this !” Cadance yelled, right before she started beating Sombra’s face in with Green Guarana’s head. “And that!” It was basically like hitting an apple with a hammer. “Once more!” Over and over again. “Again!” In the face. “And right here!” And said apple cried like a little filly while the hammer shouted about manifestos and the voice of the people.

*ussr anthem starts playing in my head*

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