• Published 16th Feb 2015
  • 3,276 Views, 91 Comments

I Don't Think I'm Supposed to be Here - Architect Ironturtle

What happens when the Merchant screws up a displacement?

  • ...

I Think You've Mistaken Me For Someone Else

"How much for the satchel?" I said as I held up a sturdily built brown leather bag with the DOTA crest on its buckle.

The man behind the counter started and looked up in surprise. He was completely nondescript in every way, to the point that he couldn't be described at all. Weird, but it didn't really catch my attention.

"I'm sorry, that's not for sale." He glanced past me, and I turned around to follow his gaze. It turns out he was looking at some girl dressed as Templar Assassin, complete with full body paint across her chest. I enjoyed the view for a few seconds, then shrugged and turned back around.

"It's got a $50 price tag." The salesman blanched, "And it matches my shirt."

"I'm saving it for someone else," He shot back as he tossed another glance at the cosplayer.

"Has he or she paid you yet?" I wheedled.

"Well, no, but-"

"Was it a commission or a request?"

"No, but-"

"Is he or she even aware that it exists at all?"


"Then first come, first served." I slipped out my wallet and slung the satchel over my shoulder, failing to notice the symbol start to glow.

"I'll take it."




Carl Roberts blinked and looked around in confusion. He'd gone from being in front of a stall in the middle of Dragon Con to standing on top of a very dead hydra in the middle of a dense forest and holding an enormous two handed sword. Then he glanced down at himself and started freaking out.

"Why the #### is my blood glowing!?"

He dropped the sword in shock and started patting himself all over.

"Ok, legs, legs are good. Still got arms, got a chest, no boobies, that's very good." He patted his head. His now very bald head, missing the gloriously curly locks that were his pride and joy as a man. He dropped to his knees in growing despair and shouted.



Princess Celestia was walking through the castle gardens, enjoying the view of the recently re-petrified Discord when she felt something crunch under one of her hooves. Upon closer inspection it appeared to be a shard of stone with glowing orange and green veins. A growing sense of dread settled in her stomach as she took off through the gardens. She only knew of one kind of rock that looked like that, and if it wasn't where it should be... She skidded to a stop in front of the entrance to a secluded corner of the hedge maze and stared in horror at an empty pedestal that was labeled only "Massacre."

Oh, buck, she thought as her eyes followed the shards to a hole in the castle wall. This is just what I needed...


"Ok, dude, keep it together," I said to myself as I rocked back and forth on my heels, "Panicking won't help you figure out what's going on. Don't freak out, don't freak out." I glanced down at the "shudder" hydra. "Ok, I'm FREAKING OUT!"

I jumped off the dead monster and ran towards the nearest with low hanging branches. Following the instincts of my long dead monkey ancestors I climbed for all I was worth, only calming down enough to stop moving once I was 50 feet off the ground.

"Ok, I'm good. I'm good." I shoved a puff of air out of my mouth as I scanned the surrounding trees for any sort of landmark that migh give me a clue as to here the hell I had ended up.

Now, how did I get here? The last thing I remember is trying to buy this satchel from that merchant, him trying to not sell it, and-that's it. Also, where did that sword go? I looked down at myself, taking a proper diagnosis this time instead of my earlier sloppy inspection. I was still me, more or less, except that my veins were glowing with random moving splotches of orange and green that seemed to follow my blood vessels. I was dressed a pair of jeans, converses, a DOTA 2 shirt, and the satchel that I was pretty sure was responsible for all this.


If it sent me here, and it appeared to be connected to DOTA, then maybe... On a hunch, I stuck my left hand into the bag and said "Butterfly." I felt something appear in my grasp, and pulled out a very familiar looking green blade. So this thing is how the heroes store their items. No wonder Viper can carry a full kit despite not having any clothes, arms, or legs.

"Ok," I asked the tree trunk, "what kind of a sorry excuse for a story did I stumble into?" Given that the tree didn't reply, probably not one of those tales that went "**** reality," and then did whatever the hell it wanted. Whether that was a good thing remained to be seen. I dropped back to the ground before heading to a nearby clearing. A few rabbits grazing on a stray tuft of grass bolted the moment they noticed me, along with a large cat that had been stalking them that disappeared before I got a good look. Where the hell am I? No, don't panic, worry about it later. First, testing.

Ok, I can summon a sword. What else can I do? I stuck my hand out in front of me and said, "Butterfly." Nothing happened. I then retrieved it from my satchel again. Conclusion: I can only retrieve items from my satchel, not just summon them out of thin air. I then called for a couple of other items of varying cost and importance. Each one I summoned for the first time came with a faint purchase sound effect, and when I traced the source I found a number written on the bag's inner lining. A slowly increasing number that went down whenever I summoned something new. That must be my gold stockpile, so how the hell did I end up with an eleven figure sum? I could buy the entire DOTA store thousands, if not millions of times over with that much money.

I did seem to have limits though. In particular, I couldn't hold more than six active items at a time, which was only mildly annoying given I could switch them out whenever I wanted. Just to check, I dumped a bunch of stuff on the ground, refilled my inventory, then tried picking it up again. I could hold or wear the extra gear, but it wouldn't go back in the bag without making room first. They were also surprisingly easy to break when I wasn't holding them, considering I snapped an Abyssal blade in half just by stepping on it. It wasn't even on purpose, I just walked over it while I was pacing.

On an idle thought I asked for an item that wasn't in the store, and almost fell over in surprise when I pulled it out. An Aegis of Immortality on call at any moment I could want it? Yikes. I quickly tried pulling other items that weren't part of the store's lineups, but that didn't have much luck. I could only call on items that existed within DOTA itself, ones that a hero could pick and use. Sticking my hand in and saying "Cheeseburger" only resulted in a lump of Roshan's cheese. I still ate it of course, but I would've maimed for a good burger at this point. Then I remembered the pile of corpses I'd woken up on. Whelp, there goes my appetite.

This rule did have one, or two rather, exceptions, and I was currently holding both of them. They were a Radiant crystal and Direstone lump both about the size of my thumb, a matched pair of rocks that didn't have any in game equivilant. I could feel their influence though, each one nudging my thoughts to more closely align with their goals. It was a good thing I was holding both at once, because they mostly canceled each other out. No magic rock was going to be stealing my brains, thank you very much! I quickly shoved them back into my satchel and held it closed until I couldn't feel them anymore. Good riddance.

With that out of the way, it was time for the fun part. Actually using all this stuff. I immediately ran into a problem: no targets. The clearing was totally deserted, almost like the wildlife was avoiding the place. Avoiding me. I wasn't that strong, was I? My memory shoved the image of a dead Hydra back in my face, and I felt sick all over again. I guess I was that strong then, but how? I only had access to a bunch of tools, not spells of my own.

Wait. Unless I did have spells. I shoved a hand out in front of me and pictured a fireball leaving my open palm. Nothing happened. Hmm. Normally I would have given up there, but the idea of turning into a wizard was too tempting. Instead, I pictured an AoE spell, and shouted, "Split!" as I mimicked the overhand throw Leshrac used to cast that ability. One second later a circle of stone spikes burst out of the ground in front of me, and I let out a whoop. Screw getting lost, this was the best day ever!

The clearing was a desolate wasteland by the time I was finished practicing. Given that I'd called down fire, ice, lighting, poison, shadow, pure energy, and tossed around more than a few earth, water, and air attacks I would have been surprised if anything was still standing. I appeared to have access to the entire DOTA hero lineup, provided I could remember what a given spell was called. If I didn't say it out loud or picture its name in my head I couldn't cast it. I could even turn into a given hero for a short period of time, but since I'd done that with Lina by mistake the first time I was wary of trying it again. Some portion of her original personality must have bled into mine when I transformed, as I almost set the entire forest ablaze.

I was also level capped, but that didn't make any sense. I only had one skill tree point to allocate, which implied that I'd already placed all the others. However, I didn't remember doing so, or any of the farming that-. My brain screeched to a halt. I must have forgotten whatever caused me to level up. Well, that was foreboding. I found the concept of memory alteration to be especially creepy, and even the mere thought that it had happened to me made me want to take a shower: in sulfuric acid. I just hoped my blackout wasn't particularly lengthy.

I shook my head to clear it. I couldn't exactly answer I wanted here, so I decided to do the only logical thing: follow the path of destruction. I backtracked to where I "woke up" and started retracing my steps. I appeared to have torn a new road through the forest, one that was littered with the remains of other dead creatures. Creatures that looked way too familiar. If I didn't know better, I could have sworn that this place looked like-

"Girls, there he is!"

"Get 'im!"

...Oh no, why me? Stupid fanfiction crossovers.


"You summoned us, Princess?"

Twilight's words broke Celestia out of her reminiscing, and rather forcefully returned her to the present. She blinked down at her little ponies before putting on benevolent smile #5, the one the says "You just interrupted me, but I don't blame you for it," an expression distinct from #6, which said, "You just interrupted me and now you're going to regret it."

"Yes, Twilight. I called you all here to tell you about a new threat that just returned."

"Seriously!?" explained Rainbow Dash, "We just finished fighting Discord!"

"And I am eternally grateful for it," Celestia replied, "But I must ask for your help one last time before you can rest. This foe is both more and less dangerous than Discord ever could be."

"What do you mean?" asked Twilight.

"Where Discord is clever and erratic, Massacre is raw power. It tries to kill everything in sight, pony or otherwise, doesn't speak, doesn't stop, and gets stronger with every fallen victim. It can't be reasoned with, and acts almost completely mindless. While it's extremely dangerous to any unprepared creature it might come across, it took the elements at point blank range and didn't even try to stop or avoid them. It should be pretty easy for you to hit it with them again once you find it."

"An' just how are we supposed to do that?" asked Applejack.

Celestia gestured towards a nearby window. When the mane six looked out through it, they saw a decent sized hole carved into the nearby forest. "I doubt it will be that difficult," she said, carefully not allowing her smile to turn into a smirk.

"Psh, this'll be easy!" Rainbow Dash boasted, her wings flaring as she hovered just above her friends, "Don't worry Princess, we'll stop it!"

"Got that right," drawled Applejack.

"I concur," Rarity chimed in.

"Yeah," whispered Fluttershy.

"Okie-dokie-lokie. When we get back I'll throw a 'we-beat-two-villains-in-a-row' party!" exclaimed Pinkie Pie.

"That settles it, then," said Twilight. "But Princess, how will we recognize this "Massacre?"

"It's tall, bipedal, hairless, tailless, skinny, and glows green and orange." Celestia said as she switched to #2, the knowing smile, "You will know it when you see it."

"Ok, then. Thanks Princess," Twilight said with a forced smile, "Come on, everypony, let's nail this thing so we can go home."

back to the present

I'm in MLP? Seriously? I couldn't decide whether I should squee, cry, or #### my pants. Fortunately, the mane six made that decision for me.


Oh, #### they've got the elements. HowdoIstopthem, howdoIstopthem, there'sgottobesomethingIcandotostopthem-oh,right.

"Global Silence!


Celestia was in the middle of her second anti-stress cup of tea of the day when all of a sudden, her ears and magic stopped working. The cup fell from her levitated grasp and shattered on the ground, not producing a single sound.


Braeburn was harvesting apples when the silence hit him, causing him to sprain a leg against the tree he was picking before all the strength drained out of him and he went sprawling on the earth.


Cloudsdale, what Cloudsdale? The entire city broke up when the silence went through and sent the pegasi within plummeting towards the unforgiving forest below.


Manehattan was a disaster area. Every pegasi had fallen out of the sky, every unicorn dropped where they stood, holding their horns in pain, and every earth pony had lost their strength. The city authorities still don't have a damage estimate.

Everfree Forest

The Mane Six collapsed, the Elements of Harmony dead where they hung.

That'll teach them to use channeled spells on me. Now, if their policy towards humans is blast first and ask questions never, then I better take one of those elements until I figure out why. I walked over to Twilight, figuring that since her element was the focus, it would be the best choice. That is, right up until I touched it, recoiled in horror, spun around to run away, changed my mind, spun back and grabbed it anyway, then Skeleton Walked the #### out of there.

Oh ####, oh ####, oh ####!The crown I was holding, the Element of Magic, was made of pure, Radiant. Crystal.

Author's Note:

Update: 8/13/2017 I'm rewriting this story. I can do better than this, and I'm going to prove it. I'm not scrapping it entirely though, because I'd forgotten that it wasn't actually that bad to begin with. I just need to flesh it out more and curb my more annoying impulses. Besides, it shattered my writer's block once before, I'm hoping it can do it again.

For this chapter, I've broken down him figuring out his powers into a much lengthier and more thought out section. I will also be adding more personality and character development as the story progresses, since the initial version was quite flat.

If you doubt the "not good" factor of Radiant crystal, go read this comic. It should get the point across.